I don't wanna miss a thing

Apparently my website blog is inaccessible, so I'm writing in here again after a year and a half. That's okay, because I was redoing my whole website, anyway.

I realize I've become increasingly afraid for the past five years. Event after event would render me further paralyzed. First afraid for my children, then afraid of disease, superbugs, hospitals, prostates, aches and pains, jabs under my fingers, airplanes, germs, until I'm just afraid all the time. So it was no surprise that when we went to Disneyworld, I found myself game to go on all the rides with Bill, but also accepting that I shut my eyes tight at every turn. It's like that childhood "If I hide under the covers nothing bad can get me." It worked - I have effectively symbolically been hiding under my covers for a long, long time.

Standing in line at the Aerosmith rollercoaster ride at Hollywood Studios, the man in front of us heard me said I'm going to close my eyes for the whole ride. "But then you miss life!" he says enthusiastically. I lamely explain life's difficulties for the past five years (just saying it's been rough), but he's not having any of it. "Don't close your eyes!" he says as we sit down and get strapped into the car-looking car. Yes, my eyes are closed, as I hear the narrator say, "Hang on - 3-2-1..." and the car takes off at about 50 mph into the darkness. Yes, I keep my eyes closed for about 5 seconds, but then I hear the man's voice saying, "...but then you miss life!" so I open my eyes, and feel a surge of ... trust flow through my body from the top down. I get tears in my eyes, and I feel strangely protected and safe, careening 100 mph through the dark, twisting and going upside down. It's all out of my control, but I trust that it's going to be okay.

I scream at Bill, "Bill! I've got my eyes open!" I don't think he cares - why should he? He's got his eyes wide open all the time. We get to the end of the ride and I look for our pictures. WHAT? My eyes are shut! "I thought you said you opened your eyes!" the man who'd sat in front of us said. "But I DID! Honest!" I protest. Then I look more closely. They must've taken the shot right at the beginning when I DID have my eyes closed. Bill and the man's daughter have scared looks on their faces, but mine? I have a serene smile on my face, like I'm very very happy and calm. So I guess it's a start - maybe I need to gradually open my eyes to my life a little at a time, but hey - as long as I'm happy, I'll take that for now. After all, I don't wanna miss a thing...