I cooked for 5 hours this morning, up at 6AM. I want to bring a basket full of goodies to Mom and Dad, so I cooked rhubarb bread and rhubard crunch, potato salad, vegetable soup, and spaghetti sauce. I kind of hate to admit it, but I really love doing the housewife thing of cooking and even laundry. I stop at cleaning bathrooms - I don't like being a housewife in THAT way. It's been raining for so long the ground squishes when I walk on it. My left ear is really buzzing, and that means the air pressure's changing again. I got to read more "Oneness" this afternoon, and she's talking about not keying into your "symptoms" as meaning there's something wrong with you, but that something's right - that you're cleansing your cells and they're releasing all of the lower vibrations. It feels very good that she's affirming all I've been saying for the last few years. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about what I'm experiencing and finding out, because most of what I talked about 5 years ago people are talking about now. Well, at least in the Fargo area. I'm not sure about the rest of the world - they've probably been talking about it for the last 1000 years. I'm not complaining - I love Fargo, I really do - there's so many beautiful things about this city, but sometimes I feel so alone out here. I journal and e-mail friends, but I feel these things, and the knowingness formulates in my brain, and then what do I do with it all? Help my clients and students, and that's about it. It's hard to implement past the basic work of restructuring my own life, but maybe that's all I'm supposed to be doing right now.
I've been watching my ego, and wow, is THAT a lightshow. Only one niece and nephew came to Erik and Jordan's graduation last year, yet this year when I went to my nephew's graduation party, two other sisters and their whole families were there; they'd driven in from out of town. When I saw my second sister's family walk in, my heart started constricting and I wanted to just go home. "Why didn't anyone come to MY children's parties? Don't they love us? Why don't I ever get included?" But I've gone to ALL of their children's parties, but then I decided to change the feeling, and was glad I had the chance to get to see them all and talk to them a little. So maybe those old family feelings of not being loved and accepted and supported are healing a little, or maybe it's just me seeing it all from a higher perspective. I get my feelings hurt pretty easily, and maybe others don't see that. Or maybe I've snubbed all of them before and just haven't realized I've done it, but of course I see it when THEY don't come to MY events. I don't know I don't know I just don't know. So I think about what that means to just breathe in all of my feelings without judgment, to just feel them so they can be released so they won't keep being issues, like erasing those elevator buttons so nobody can push them anymore. As long as they're there, people will have the opportunity to push them. But I don't need to go to those floors anymore - I don't need to go to those places - there's nothing there for me. So I can just have my button on my penthouse suite, and if anyone gets onto my "elevator" they may still look for those familiar buttons to push, but they won't be there anymore. Will I ever be able to erase those feelings of not being seen and loved by my family of origin? Maybe, maybe not, but I know I'll have continued ample opportunity for the healing. In the meantime, I surround myself with my fabulous, loving, supportive friends - Melissa, Maggie, Chanda, Monika, Donna, Chitra, Julia and Marie, to name just a few. They see me, they accept me, and they all love me just because I'm me, and that's enough for a rainy day and Saturday.
Bill and I head to Bismarck tomorrow to wish Dad a happy 84th birthday. I gave him a WestPoint sweatshirt to bring memories of his alma mater. I'm bringing a chunk of rhubard bread and rhubard crunch, too, just because I want to, and because they don't get to eat too many homecooked things anymore. I'm making Moroccan Chicken Stew with Butternut Squash and Quinoa for his birthday dinner - I hope they like it. It's from Dr. Gott's "No Flour No Sugar Diet" book. They've got fabulous recipes - you don't even miss the flour or sugar. Here's to good health - physical, mental and spiritual. And here's to hoping the frost doesn't actually make it here to nip our sweet little green plants on their noses.
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