My New Year's Revolutions...

I call them "revolutions" because I think they are life-altering and life-changing - little revolutions.

1. I will actually WATCH all of the DVDs I own (not counting Bill's Disney ones - I've already seen all of those a thousand times).
2. I will clean out the utility room in the basement (actually, I've already got a good start).
3. I will get my books out of the storage unit (and save $50 a month).
4. I will wear every piece of my clothing, or give it someone who will (yes, yes, I WILL do this).
5. I will cook at least one new dinner a week (and maybe even some stuff Bill and Steve might like).
6. I will finish Dad's book, "Dress Gray" by June 1st (not counting printing time).
7. I will organize my recipes on Mac Gourmet (and maybe make that cookbook I've been talking about for the last 10 years).
8. I will write 5 letters a week (no, e-mail doesn't count).
9. I will get over my irrational fear of health clubs, and thereby start GOING to the Y again.
10. I will learn to belay (wall climbing is a fabulously fun sport, and it would be bonding for Bill and me).
11. I will go to Mount Rushmore, and Denali National Park in Alaska (we've already got these trips planned, so maybe I'm cheating).
12. I will ride a horse again (after Vinny died, I've been too sad to think about riding again).
13. I will love my "defects" - my moustache (I think it's a sign of beauty in some cultures), the loose skin under my arms (it could be worse - I just don't know how), the cellulite on the backs of my legs (hey, I've had that, except for that brief ultra-skinny phase in the early 1980's), the mole on the crook of my right arm (why single that one out? I've got millions), the one hair on my right eyebrow that sticks straight up making me look like Mr. Spock (yes, you can even see it in my baby pictures), my toenails that curl up and cut me (none of my sisters wanted to sleep with me when we were growing up), and anything else I might come up with...

I know I say "I will" as if it's something in the future, so it won't get done, but I'll do all of this, I promise, and if I don't, there's always next year ...

the true meaning of Christmas

6AM - I've been asleep for less than 6 hours, Bill's awake.

"I want to see what Santa brought," he said. "I can't sleep anymore."

"That's okay, sweetie - we can go downstairs."

I drank my usual cup of Peace Decaff Coffee and curled up on the comfy couch in the front room. There, lined up neatly on the mantel, were the 6 Christmas stockings. The kids's 4 were all filled - Steve's and mine were empty. There were two little packages wrapped in foreign Christmas paper, addressed to Bill. He quickly ripped them open - two video games he'd wanted. He started playing. Two hours later everyone else came downstairs and ate the warm gooey rolls I'd made (after dragging my butt off the comfy couch), and we sat around our kitchen table eating and laughing. Our "big" dinner was actually just a normal turkey dinner, nothing extra, but yummy. We met Peggy and her family and went to "Walk Hard." Bill didn't go (if you've seen the movie, it's hilarious, but totally inappropriate for kids). Then Steve, Bill and I went over to Peggy's house (Kari and Erik had to go to their dad's), and Pegs and I made chili and salad while everyone else chatted at the table. Jeremiah was home from Chicago, Josh home from Tacoma, and Rachel here because she goes to a local college. I love my sister and her family, and that is what I want to say about Christmas. It wasn't about the presents (I went overboard this year, totally - had to BORROW money from Steve to go to the movies), or the garbage bag of wrapping paper, or the sweets (yes, I DID eat some fudge, and let me just say ... yum).

Christmas for me this year was hearing Peggy play flute at the Plains, then learning that her friend, the bass player, died suddenly that Friday from heart problems. It was crying for Dave and his family. It was hearing Josh Groban singing a Christmas carol with interjected messages from military folk to their families, and crying my eyes out for a long time. It was watching "The Best First Wedding Dance Ever" at Peggy's house, and talking about Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. It was seeing a picture of Cuddles on their mantle, and feeling my heart become full (they'd just put Cuddles down a few days before). It was feeling sad that nobody would be with Mom and Dad for Christmas, but knowing we'd be with them in a few days. It was feeling, maybe for the first time, that while most of us are frantically sending out Christmas cards, baking, attending parties, drinking, buying presents, and singing Christmas carols, there's a whole other population standing on the other side of that glass, like the little match girl, staring at the festivities, freezing in the cold. There are those people with no family, or grown children, or divorced, or people who've had loved ones die over the holidays, so holidays have now become a time of remembered grief. There are those people who have little or no extra money, or little or no friends, or who are recovering alcoholics (or active alcoholics) who are reminded daily of the lure of alcohol through increased advertising and party reminders. There are the Buddhists and the Atheists and the Agnostics, and the Muslims and the Native Americans, and the whole rest of the world's population who don't "do" this time of year like some of us do.

I'm thinking of all of those people these days, and I'm feeling my arms opening wider to include that reality, that perspective. I'd be lying if I didn't say I love the baking and the presents and the festivities and the traditions. I love lighting all the candles in the house and decorating our sweet little 20 year old plastic tree. I love reading people's Christmas letters, seeing their pictures, hearing about their lives in the past year. But I don't think necessarily all of this is limited to a one-shot deal in the year. I think the "feeling" of Christmas should be spread out another 363 1/2 days and should be spread out to 100% of the world's people. It's not just Christmas - it's whatever traditions we make - no matter where we are, or what religion or non-religion we are. I just don't care - I love it all. Happy Holy Days - all 365 of them...

frog baby

I was led into the front room where the baby lay. He was about 6 months old, lying on his stomach, and couldn't stop jerking. They called him the frog baby. They told me he did that all the time (jerked), couldn't talk, and asked me to heal him. I asked for a recliner, then gently lifted the baby up to my chest and leaned all the way back in the chair. I could feel him jerking all around, but held his neck and put his cheek against mine and started doing the healing. I whispered into his ear, "Now feel the energy as it enters through the top of your head." When I said that, I felt my own body jerking with the energy - this happens quite frequently. Both my clients and myself feel the jolt of energy and it causes one (or both) of us to jump. I completed the healing, working the energy through his whole body, and by the time I was done, he sat up and whispered something to me. I can't remember now what he said, but it was cool. I said back to him, "Why did they say you can't talk? You CAN."

"Because they didn't want to take the time to listen to me," he replied.

I held this dear child to my chest and felt our energies melding - it was like he was me and I was him. Jung would say that that's how it all works. I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to keep holding him forever - he is so wise and ancient and dear and misunderstood. I was excited that I'd helped him heal from whatever it was that was causing him to have seizures and not be able to sit up. And now he was whole, and fabulous, and I could come visit him and hold him, but he said no - I could never see him again.

I cried and cried and cried. It was strange - it was that heart-aching kind of cry, but it was like I was crying about not getting to be with a part of myself that I've just discovered and love dearly. I tried it just once, walking back into the room.

"You," he said, pointing to me, "Go."

I don't know why I thought he'd changed his mind and would let me stay. I don't know why it was so important for me to get to see him again, but it was very important. But he said no - go, so I left.

I woke up and had tears in my eyes, feeling like I'd lost something important. Steve held me while I cried for this little frog baby that I'd healed - then lost.

oh my gosh

I'm still thinking about the party (and recuperating). I can't believe how tired I felt yesterday, but a good tired, if that makes sense. My poor client (well, I guess she's not so poor - we had a fabulous session), but I kept clearing my throat. The first song I sang at the party was "Baby Got Back." Sharla mentioned something about something, and this morning I open my e-mails to find the link she was talking about, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Best wedding first dance ever

Oh, if you want a big smile on your face, watch this video - it's hip hop hilarious (as my kids would say).

I'm feeling so "full" today, and I'm not worried about anything (I come from a long prestigious line of worriers - I change that to "warriors"), and a strange thing happened yesterday that I can't stop thinking about (I think a lot). My sweet stepson was supposed to fly out to CA for his annual "5 days with his mom" and when I reminded him last week about it, he said he couldn't fly out today because he had finals. I encouraged him to talk with his professor to get the finals changed, then let it drop. When I tuned in about the whole situation, I heard that everything would be all right - he wouldn't go early in the morning, but would catch a later plane. I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah, like THAT could ever happen. If he didn't change flights right away, they would be all booked up, and he'll never get there." Well, I heard Steve talking, er, loudly, to Jordan last night about the trip, then angry because Jordan didn't change his schedule, and told Steve he wasn't flying out in the morning. The phone rang again, I picked it up. It was Jordan.

"Here's your dad," I said.

"No, I want to talk to you," he said.

So I asked him if he remembered us talking last week about this (vaguely, he admitted), then I asked him if his mom had gotten trip insurance. He said she'd told him she supposed he wasn't coming to CA then. I was ready to call her (and believe me when I tell you that act ranks right up there with getting a root canal without novacaine), but at that moment his mom was on the other line, so I hung up. I tuned in AGAIN and asked if everything was going to be all right. I heard that it was just fine - he was going to get a later flight out that day (again, impossible, I'm thinking - it's the holidays, flights are all booked). But I did something that is still relatively foreign to me - I STOPPED WORRYING about the outcome, and watched curiously.

The phone rang again. Jordan.

"You'll never BELIEVE what just happened," he said. "Mom cancelled my early morning flight, and the airlines automatically booked me on a 5:35PM flight."

I started smiling. A miracle? Maybe a small one in this world greatly in need of huge ones, but I'm calling it. Perhaps a bigger miracle is the fact that I didn't emotionally take on the burden of Jordan and his trip ("If you knew about this last week, why didn't you tell me?" Steve asked. Oh, don't even GO there, sweetie), but asked "up" and got my assurances. I wonder - is it possible to do this for ALL of the things that happen in my life? Go to that higher place of understanding and get the broader picture so I don't muddle through so much down here? I know the answer is a huge YES, and I know I'm IN that place of expanded awareness all of the time (we ALL are, I think), but sometimes I forget. But a HUGE thank you to my "help" for this important lesson today. Things are not always as they appear on the surface; in fact, things are RARELY as they appear on the surface, kind of like that whole iceberg concept. So here's to looking below the surface, or rising above it all for the spiritual birds-eye view. It feels so much better, this 100% place - I'm staying here.

the party

Sonia and Audra "strike a pose"


Silly bunnies


Brenda - your hand massages ARE divine


"Since you've been gone..." Okay, so we DON'T know the words


You go, girl


Melissa and I hamming it up... (would you doubt it?)

Highlights of last night:

Learning the Electric Shuffle (I know, I know, I SHOULD know it, being a child of the 60's, and all, but hey, we totally KICKED on the Hustle...
Andrea's roast beef on crostini
Sharla's shoes from Amsterdam
Brenda's hand massages (ahhhhh....)
the girls singing "Since You've Been Gone"
"c'mon girls - rollin' on the river" (doop doo doo doo...)
sweating to the oldies (I could've danced all night)

Oh, man, I'm tired. I can't talk (I know what you're thinking - stop), and I even have a client this afternoon. I teased and said I'm going to just tell her, 'You know all the answers already. You can go," but I suppose that won't cut it. At least I'll have this morning to recuperate. Oh wait - no, I can't - I have to clean the house because Kim's coming to clean. You know how that goes. So I'll leave - 50 fabulous goddesses, tons of food, wine, singing, dancing and laughing - a perfect evening. Thanks, you guys - you're the best.

time

I'm almost done transcribing Dad's letters - there were over 250 in all. And even though I type fast, it still took a long time. Now we start the big work of putting everything together into one fabulous book of memoirs. I'm so excited to do this for Dad (and Mom), but even more than that, I think it's fascinating to read what his world was like back in the mid 1940's. One thing that struck me today as I was typing was a book he'd been reading, in which the author was talking about his fears for "today's youth." Here's an excerpt from that letter:

"I think you would be surprised at the general attitude of many cadets about such a subject as morals, for example. Some author I read a short time ago felt the whole nation of youth especially was heading toward their new (so-called) idea of doing whatever gives you pleasure – satisfies your thirsts, etc. I never have objected to smoking, drinking, and even to a lot worse things that others did. But when a large number of men of a high class institution (!) behave as these men on my table do with no second thought whatever – kind of makes me wonder what is happening in the world. I’d like to see these same men 20 years from now. Maybe that would show the answer."

So, 20 years from then would be 1964, when I was 4. These young cadets would now maybe be parents with children, and does that change everything? How have we, as a whole society, changed since 1944? It seems sometimes that we always have the same questions and concerns. I know I'm worried about kids today - who are their mentors, what are their values, what are their passions? I see no mentors, or maybe Jackass, or somebody like that, I see values sort of like "well, everybody's doing it, and things are different than when you were growing up, Mom - you don't understand - the pressures are MUCH greater than when you were young. Their passions? Sometimes I see just wanting to have fun, watching tv, playing video games (yes, I do those three things, as well, but not as my MAIN passions), drinking, smoking, sex, and drugs (and some pretty heavy drugs, if what I'm hearing is true), so you ask me if I think we're in trouble, and maybe some other day I would be prone to say yes, but today, right now, I think this is true:

I think we're in a new place, and I think part of the reason that kids are in "trouble" today is that they've been waiting for us adults to catch up, to take charge of our lives and of the earth, do what we say we're going to do, and be leaders. I think we're doing that, and I think that transition has made it easier for our kids to grow up into themselves, as well - the enlightenment process is retroactive. As I heal, I heal my ancestors and my children, and my children's children - all the way back on the family tree and forward. So the kids are MORE than okay - they're just where they need to be. They're learning their lessons (albeit some of them are learning the REALLY hard way - that's okay, too - I'm a hard learner as well), and hopefully learning from them, they're figuring out HOW they want to be, along with WHO they want to be, in this world. And I think the world will go on, but in a new, more gentle way.

I think these same kids that we're worried about today will be the visionary leaders of tomorrow. They are the ones who demand to know WHY, who hold us accountable for our actions, who won't back down, so now the momentum is moving us onward and upward, and it's all right, and it's about time.

Right now it's time to get dressed for the Goddess Party - I'll post pictures tomorrow, I promise. There will be singing, eating, laughing, hand massages, and special bracelets for some pretty special women. Here's to friends, here's to connections, and here's to love, in its myriad of forms.

lots of stuff...

It's official. I've pulled my Christmas Baking muscles - seriously. It started slowly, ya know, like warm-ups, with the peanut butter cookies and gingersnaps, but we kicked it into high gear on Friday with the quadruple batch of Christmas cookies (they couldn't even fit into my biggest Tupperware bowl, so I had to go the final few feet to the summit with my bare hands), followed by the puppy chow (shaken vigorously in the closed Tupperware (same bowl as used in above Christmas cookies) to thoroughly coat with healthy powdered sugar), topped off with fudge (stir constantly till it boils (on low - that takes a long time)) and a double batch of brownies.

"What are you baking all of this stuff for?" Kari asked.

"Uhm," answers Mom (me), "I don't really know - I just love to bake at Christmas."

So here I sit on this snowy Sunday morning, my back tight across the shoulders, my 'popeye' muscles on both of my forearms tired, like I've just nailed the hour long Body Pump class at the Y

Am I proud? You bet. Would I do it again? Probably not without warming up better. Is it important to have goals? Yes. Does Christmas baking count as a goal, really? Yes, really, in MY world.

I finished "The Subtle Knife" around midnight last night. It's the second book ini the Philip Pullman trilogy, of which "Golden Compass" is the first book. I found myself dog earing the pages that I found particularly brilliant and true. Here are some excerpts:

p. 25 - this is when Lyra meets Will, who's a human like us. He is surprised to see her daemon, her guardian animal, and she's answering him back:

"You HAVE a daemon," she said decisively. "Inside you."

He didn't know what to say.

"You have," she went on. "You wouldn't be human else. You'd be ... half dead."


p. 271 - this is Ruta, a witch, speaking of why she wants to help Lord Asriel defeat the Authority:

"And he invited us to join him, sister. To join his army against the Authority. He showed me that to rebel was right and just, when you considered what the agents of the Authority did in His name ... And I thought of the Bolvangar children, and the other terrible mutilations I have seen in our own southlands; and he told me of many more hideous cruelties dealt out in the Authority's name - of how they capture witches, in some worlds, and burn them alive, sisters. Yes, witches like ourselves..."

Yes, woven in between the lines of the story are a great Truth, but I acknowledge that it's a Truth I believe, and I can speak for no one else. All I can do is encourage every single person to decide for THEMSELVES what they believe to be true, and not to take anyone else's word for it. Yes, we listen to those we respect, but ultimately, we're responsible for our own choices. We can't hide behind the Church, or our jobs, or our politics, or even our families. We each have a voice, we each have an opinion, and we each have our experiences about what this life is all about. For me, it's about enlightenment, about realization, about knowing, and above all else - it's about love. In the end, that's the only thing that's real. For me.

So I'll finish off the trilogy with "The Amber Spyglass," finish my baking (with cinnamon glass candy and Snicker Doodles), get ready for our neighborhood kid's Christmas party at our house at 5, get ready for the huge Goddess Christmas bash that's on Tuesday, then wind down helping the kids at Bill's school celebrate their Christmas party. Kari's coming home on Friday, and I'm looking forward to hunkering down (whatever that means) for the holidays - with fires, and popcorn, and Christmas lights and sleigh rides, with Mastermind and chess, Scrabble and chicken or pig. Ahhhhhh... I can almost feel my muscles becoming less sore as I take a lot of deep breaths and just enjoy.

I got it all backwards

I haven't been able to get my brain around this whole abundance/greed/manifestation thing, but I think I figured it out yesterday - I've been doing the whole backwards. Okay, imagine that you are building a house. Your contractor has the timeline figured out to make things flow as smoothly as possible. The electrician gets there first, then the plumber, then they put in the walls and floors, and on. But what if the wall guy is like, "Well, I'm coming early, because I want to be done faster," so he puts up the walls BEFORE the electricians get there to do their jobs. NOW they've got to rip into the walls, and it's going to take longer, and cost more money, and make a big mess. All because the wall guy didn't want to go along with the rest of the plans, and didn't want to wait. He just didn't have the bigger picture... sort of like us humans. So we're down here going, "I want this NOW, and this, and this, and this..." and we either don't know (or don't care) that there may be ANOTHER timeline out there that has our broader picture in mind, one that sees the wisdom behind delays or disappointments. If that's the case, now we're working AGAINST our Higher Good, causing delays and messes.

So ... what happens if we FIRST put ourselves in alignment with our Higher Good, like having a meeting with all of the people who are working on the house, so we can plan and coordinate. No one is independent or outside of the project. Now things will flow smoothly, so take a few minutes, close your eyes and take a few deep breath, and INTEND to put yourself firmly on the path to your Highest Good. We don't know exactly what that LOOKS like; we're just intending to be in harmony with the greater picture so we don't work at odds with anything. Now that we're integrated and on the same page, intend away, knowing that you are now working WITH your Highest Good, and not potentially even AGAINST your HG. And I always start my intentions with, "If this is within my Highest Good, I intend this for my life." We can't see everything from down here, so we can't just SAY what WILL happen, because God forbid, then we're like little brats screaming for a bag of candy and to stay up until midnight. If we get our way, we'll become little greedy monsters thinking we run the world. No, our parents (or our Higher Selves, etc.) are there to help us grow up, and sometimes that involves being denied some things, not getting our way, having to do things we'd rather not do (like brush our teeth or take a bath), but that are necessary for the broader picture.

So I'm excited today, finally feeling some of those puzzle pieces falling into place for me. It's not a question of abundance or greed, of being more powerful because you can MAKE things happen, but a matter of placing yourself in alignment with your spiritual path FIRST, and then proceeding from there, in harmony, and in sync. It's what I figured out, anyway - I know we've all got different angles, and that's what's so cool about this place. But at least for me, I'm feeling more mastery over this whole concept, and it makes total sense to me now.

the newest message

It was a magical night, last Tuesday, when we all gathered up at my offices. I do it the first Tuesday of every month, these live messages. I record them onto a CD so I can transcribe them. Well, Diane did the transcribing, and it's ready. I won't print it all here (it's really long) but I'll post the whole thing on my website at www.susanekberg.com as soon as my webmaster can get it up. But here are some pretty powerful, beautiful parts that I really love. I hope you will, too.


This part talks about setting our course to our desired destination, and how that looks:

"The preset course to this land of gold, this land of plenty, this paradise, this heaven, is nothing less and nothing more than a return to your self, your true self, to your core, and to your soul. It has been your home before you came to this earthly plain. it is your hoe when you close your eyes to the rest of the world, and the rest of the wanderings and doings, happenings, excitements and distractions. When you close your eyes as you are doing at this time, feel that land. See it with your 'spirit eyes' right now as it glow golden before you. Feel the wind in your face as your rudder carries your ship beautifully ad swiftly to your goal. Do not ever be deceived, dear ones, by the substitutions and the detours that occur in your lives. Do not lament and say, 'I am off course," for that is an impossibility.

Your course is set within you, within your heart and within your life and you travel that course perfectly and beautifully every moment of every day. You are in communion with us and we are whispering in your ears every moment of the way, "You can do it. We are here. We will never let your ship crash into the rocks. We will never set you adrift." If you feel yourself twirling in an eddy or whirlpool, know that there is a reason for this, a reason for the delay and we will set your ship straight and we will repair what has been broken and we will mend your sails and we will hearten you if you are disheartened. We will breathe fresh life into your lungs and into your life."

If you're wondering if we'll achieve our goals, and how we're going to do it, this excerpt addresses those points:

"We tell you without any doubt, that you will return Home. You will achieve your destination. You are always regaining a part of your soul in every conscious word that you say in love, in every gentle act of compassion and understanding, even if it is said with force. If it is done with love, dear ones,we tell you, you have just regained a part of your kingdom, a part of your soul, a part of your home.Do not ever, ever seek to underestimate this incredible gift and this incredible miracle that is unfolding in your life every moment of every day."


So far as thinking about why in the heck we agreed to come to Earth at this time, this talks about it:

"You entered into this sacred pact and this sacred contract with all the multitudes of heaven cheering you on. As you breathed deep, walked away from all that was calm, and all that was love and all that was good, you set your voyage to this place; to this dear, dear, dense, lost place in order to bring light and in order to help and in order to serve. And we tell you that all of the heavens are humbly kneeling before you in sheer gratitude and amazement for all you have undertaken and for all that you currently are walking through, for it is the walk of the warrior.

It is the walk of the brave soldier who is honor-bound and duty-bound to serve and protect. You are not only walking for yourselves; you are walking for all of those who in fear have not started the journey yet. You are walking for those who are afraid. You say you are afraid and we say 'ah, no dear ones. If you were not brave you would not be able to walk. You would not be where you are right at this moment. Even though you are afraid, even though you DO have fear, also feel your courage.' "

This last beautiful part speaks of how we might be here now, and what may help:

"Love each other; be gentle and understanding and compassionate with each other. We are all striving to do the best that we an in every circumstance; forgive us if we fall short; forgive yourselves when you fall short. Say 'I may choose something different next time; i hope that I may. I'm sorry if I hurt you I'm doing the best that I can.' Be grateful for all that you have that is good in your life; be grateful for all that comes into your life for not one speck, not one circumstance comes into your life save that for our highest good.

Know this to be true, even if in your own limited consciousness, you cannot see the greater reasons for our situations, we tell you that everythig that happens is happening for a reason. Rest in that knowledge and rest in the understanding that you are never alone. Feel us with you now. Feel us holding your hand as you walk out the door. Feel us sitting beside you as you drive home; feel us lying beside you when you put yor head down on the pillow tonight. Hear us whispering in your ear: 'You are not alone; you are never alone. And oh, by the way, have I told you today how much you are loved? Know this to be true; feel this to be true.' And be well, dear ones; oh, be well."


I love my Work; I truly do.

abundance or greed?

I sit here among my beautiful things, amazed at the abundance in my life. Not only do I have material things that I love, but I have an amazing family that I love. I have the love of my parents, some pretty unbelievably fabulous best friends (Missy, Mags, Vicks, Julia, Chitra, Donna, Marie - you know who you are), some great neighbors, a warm, spacious house, work that never ceases to amaze me, and just, well, everything. Everything that I think of just fills me to my gills (wherever those may be located), but the question I ponder this morning is this: if we are supposed to "think and grow rich," what does that mean, exactly? I think the definition of rich is lots of money, but according to my fab dictionary, rich also means "having high value or quality, meaningful, significant, lush." So those are also desirable, right? I don't want any more financial abundance - everything is perfect right now. I want a lake home, but I'll get it if I really want it. Is it right to just want want want material things? Where's the love, where's the dedication to the rest of the human race, where's the simplicity? I "want" Steve to be happpy, I "want" my kids and friends and other family to all be happy, I "want" hurting people to find comfort, I "want" a book contract, and to be able to travel nationwide on a book tour, but when I look at my motives, they're mostly ego-free (except probably for that national book tour which would be a kick in the pants AND help a lot of people). I don't want to win the lottery, I don't want a diamond necklace, I don't want an expensive car, or a bigger house. Maybe it's because I'm fortunate enough to BE financially abundant already. If I wasn't, it might be different, and I acknowledge that possibility.

So when I think of how I'm feeling on my insides, it's already a vast vast landscape, so it doesn't resonate with me to try to "bring" stuff into my life in the way other people seem to be talking about. Maybe I don't understand their concepts, or haven't really heard them. I really don't know what all mindsets are out there - there are probably thousands of books that talk about finding abundance, and I'm thinking these people find abundance through their book sales? Maybe people need to start on the physical to feel that if they can get what they want down here they will feel comfort and support, then move toward feeling that feeling of abundance on the spiritual plane? As above, so below? Holographic? I don't know, but there's a whole lot of excitement out there about "getting it all," and I want to understand what that means to others, I really do, but I just don't seem to be getting it - I DO place intentions, I DO watch my thoughts to stay in the light, I DO work at being conscious every moment of the day, I DO meditate and pray, I DO do my good work that helps others AND myself. It's just different languages, maybe, but still part of the Whole.

Maybe it's okay not to get what other people are doing - maybe it's enough just to keep doing what I'm doing - it works for me. Only I can decide what's abundance or greedy... for me... not for anyone else. And I figured something out - I AM greedy - it's just about different things. I intended for Bill to win the trout tournament, and he did. I intended great things for Steve, and he got them. I'm intending a golden life for me and it's unfolding. Maybe others would say that I'M the greedy one, because all they want it for their husband to be healed of his cancer.

So who determines what's abundance and what's greed? I can't be judgmental, so I've changed my mind. It's all the same, just different - so go ahead and go for it, guys - intend a yacht, a handsome husband that calls you his Queen, a fulfilling job. I think everyone deserves whatever is in their Highest good, and that's a LOT, from where I'm sitting - more than we can ever imagine. And I'm sorry that I don't quite understand it all - it's all good. If I believe that all paths lead Home, then we're all ultimately saying the same thing, just differently. So I continue to think about abundance and greed, and what exactly it all means. I sit in the center of my life and continue to be amazed, and for me, that's my definition of abundance. What's your definition?

Golden Compass - Part 2 and odd occurrences

I finished the book. I won't tell you anything about the content (I shouldn't have told you that other stuff, in case you're going to read it or see the movie), but suffice it so say I've now got my own professional opinion, and it is this: I would NOT let younger children (under the age of about 12) read it, as the content is kind of gruesome (violence to children, or threatened violence), BUT the premise is positively breathtaking, and I can't wait to get started on the second book. I think Pullman is right on with his symbolisms and statements about organized religion and how that plays in our lives. Again, this is all just my personal opinion, which is all anyone has anyway, right?

Odd occurrences? Uff da, and I'm not even Norwegian (I'm Swedish, to be exact). First, Tuesday night while were getting to do the message, we heard a noise in my front office. I went out to check, and saw that one of my lights had exploded. Yes, we all thought it odd (that's never happened before). Wednesday morning I was in my office typing on my computer, and one of my overhead lights ... yeah, that's right - exploded. That afternoon, my watch stopped working. No worries, I thought, it needs a new battery. Except ... the next day it was working perfectly again. That night I woke up at 2:30 to the strains of single notes being played on a guitar. Had Erik come home? Was he playing? I listened for a while - it went on for about an hour. I asked Erik the next day, just to be sure. Of course he hadn't come back home last night. Hmmmmm. Even for ME that's all a pretty strange 48 hour's worth of oddness. What does it mean? I don't know, but it felt like some energy shifting around inside of me, and that affected the lights, my watch, and maybe increased my awareness so I could hear the celestial guitar playing? Oh, and not to mention all the street lights that popped off AND on during those two days. Well, only 3, I think, but still...

Another TWO odd things happened yesterday. A client actually seemed to SEE what I was seeing while I was doing his reading. I was having trouble describing a certain thing, and he piped up with an answer. I asked him to describe what that thing looked like, and it was what I had seen, but didn't know what it was. Then I saw something else, and was just opening my mouth to tell him about it, and all I said was, "Have you ever..." and he named just what I was about to say. Eerie - I'm used to being able to see into OTHER people's minds, but not used to it being a two-way communication. Later last night I was playing a game with Bill that I've played with all my kids - I write words on their backs, one letter at a time, and they try to guess what I'm saying. I usually write something like, "I love you, Bill" and he gets it right after the "I love" usually, so I tried to shake it up by writing "hi." I made the straight line down, and Bill piped up "Hi?" Seriously... I couldn't believe it. What's going on here?

So I don't know, I just don't know, but it's cool, it is, as if I'm connected to every single thing in the Universe, not just people, or even animals, but lightbulbs and watches. It makes me feel comforted and included, it makes me feel connected, and not lonely. We're all in this together, and I'm seeing more and more how it all works. I know I should just KNOW it by now, understanding that I'm in that place of unity, but it takes a while to get used to the newness, like Neo waking up from his lifelong coma to see that the whole rest of his life had been a dream. That's what I feel like - waking up from a long, LONG dream, and even though it's still a bit eerie sometimes when stuff happens that we can't really explain, overall, it's just really really cool (kind of like the weather outside).

Golden Compass - Part One

Okay, so I'm halfway through the book. I admit, it's not the kind of book that I'd want my 8 year old to read - children getting kidnapped, and a decapitated head, to name just a few choice tidbits. But I'm 47, I can handle it, so I forge ahead. It wasn't until my little bout of insomnia last night that I got to the point in the book that made me cry. Up until now I can't see what all the fuss is about. In the book all of the humans have daemons, or guardian animals, that protect them, support them, encourage them, stay with them until they die. Not a new idea. But the Magisterium is taking children and doing something with them, but we don't find out what they're doing until the beginning of Part 2.

There's talk of a child that's not quite dead and not quite alive, in a village up North, where Lyara is headed with the gyptians to rescue the children. Lyara is guided by the golden compass, which tells her correct answers when she relaxes and focuses on her questions (just like our inner knowing? In the book children have it, adults do not - hmmm). She knows she has to go get the little boy. There she finds out what the Church is going to the children - they are ripping the daemons and the children apart so the children are now alone. That, in and of itself, was enough to make me start crying, because the daemon represents to me our guardian angels, our Higher Selves and guides; all of our connections to our whole selves, our Souls, so to rip that away from the children? It's too horrifying for words. But then we see that the little boy is desperately grasping a smelly old fish, clinging to it, pretending it's his daemon, and the tears started again. Look at all the kids and their stuffed animals, their blankies, their security blankets. Doesn't that kind of feel like the same thing?

So I'll keep reading to the end of this book before the movie comes out, then keep reading the next two, because I want to form my own opinion. It isn't enough just to take someone else's word for it when they send me an e-mail and say, "This is an evil book. This man is bad. And we need to stop him." Maybe. Maybe not. I'll decide for myself what I think, thank you. And I think it's IMPERATIVE that we all continue to do the same in our lives. NO MORE just taking someone else's word for something, just because they tell us we're like them, and if we don't side with them we're the enemy. I just don't buy it anymore. So far I think Philip Pullman is a literary genius, and I'd love to get his e-mail address so I can send him some fan mail. In lieu of that, I'll just post a message to him:

Dear Philip,

Thank you for having the vision and creativity and passion to write your books. I think you are brave, and enlightened, and oh, so smart. I love the way I can FEEL my Truth when I read your words. I can see my Truth behind the story, and it gives me hope for a conscious human race. Thank you for your books, thank you for your words, and thank you for writing your Truth. I do not think you are an atheist, or even an agnostic, but if you call yourselves any of those things, that's fine, too. I think you are a deeply spiritual man, rooted in the Source, with no time for the divisive and controlling ways of established organizations that seek to squish our spirits. Thank you.


My live channeling went swimmingly last night. Great people showed up even if the weather was daunting. I was surprised at the turn-out, but pleased, as always. I spoke of our courage at leaving our safe Homes, and traveling to Earth, and what a great sacrifice it is, and how all of the heavens acknowledge our bravery. I spoke of being in our ship, traveling to our Home, and the necessity of using our compass on our steering wheel to help guide us, along with our True North Star as being our constant, while the swirling constellations all around shift and change. The constellations are our life's situations and people, and as we sail on, everything keeps shifting and changing. But we WILL find our way Home, because Home is inside us, and we need to treat this self-discovery like our primary job right now. It is not self-centered, but essentially Self centered, which is a whole different ball game. Diane's thankfully going to transcribe the whole message, so I'll post it on my website at www.susanekberg.com as soon as she's done. I love doing this live once a month, on that first Tuesday - it's something you can count on, and that seems to be a rare commodity these days. Loving life, and everything in it ...

lions and tigers and atheists ... oh my

I first heard of the Golden Compass controversy over a month ago. A mother came up to me at the book fair at school and asked if I'd seen the e-mail going around that says Philip Pullman is an evil man who's using his books to get people to hate God. AND he's an atheist. "That's interesting," I said, "because if you're an atheist you don't believe in God, so why would you try to get people to hate something you don't even believe exists?" Well, the mother hadn't thought about that. Then another mother asked me about it at Boy Scouts the other night. I said I hadn't read the books, but that my brother-in-law (who's a Lutheran pastor) had recommended them to me. THEN I got an e-mail from a friend who'd also received this mysterious e-mail (I hadn't seen the e-mail yet), and she was wondering what my take on it was. I told her that sometimes it seems like people act out of fear when they don't have all the information, and I was withholding my judgment until I'd read the books (I started last night and am 1/4 way through the first one - it's fabulous so far...). She agreed, and said that she worries about censorship (I do, too).

Then I got an e-mail from our head Boy Scout leader WITH the link to snopes that talked about the infamous Pullman and his nefarious books, and about him killing God. I e-mailed the Boy Scout leader back and suggested that maybe what Pullman was killing was our limited human creation of a God that has had immeasurable horrible things done in that God's name for centuries. He said he would check out the Time article. I was totally psyched to actually get the link, so I checked it out. It didn't make much sense to me, like I wasn't getting the whole story. Then this week's issue of Time magazine came, and there, on page 86, was an article about Pullman. It says, and I quote

"In Pullman's world, the church has evolved into a sinister totalitarian bureaucracy called the Magisterium that perpetrates massive cruelties in the name of good... WE're used to fantasy literature either warily skirting religion... we're not used to fantasy taking on religion foursquare. But to be fair, it's not religion that Pullman has a problem with, exactly, or religious believers; it's what happens when religion mixes with politics. "religion is at its best when it is furthest from political power" he says. "The power to send armies to war, to rule every aspect of our lives, to tell us what to wear, what to think, what to read - when religion gets hold of tat, watch out! Because trouble will ensue." Pullman has even received warm praise from members of the clergy, including the Archbishop of Canterbury, for his exploration of spiritual issues... "I'm not arguing a case. I'm not preaching a sermon. I'm not giving a lecture. I'm telling a story. Any position I take is that of a storyteller who says, Once upon a time, this happened."

What are we so scared of? That someone is strong enough to actually be able to strong arm us into believing something evil or bad? That somebody is that powerful that they can somehow trick us into becoming bad people? That our children will be lured away and brainwashed somehow? God forbid that some institution or authority figure should try to tell us what to do - sheesh, give me a break. So... here's my truth for the day. I cannot understand what "Christians" are so afraid of. I have many Christian friends who are absolutely fabulous - they're loving and kind and gentle and respectful of other's beliefs. Then there are the not-so-Christian Christians who are hateful and hurtful, unkind and disrespectful of anyone else's beliefs but their own - and they'll tell you just exactly how wrong you are and how positively right they are, and they won't listen to a word you're saying about your beliefs - disrespectful. Then there are my utterly fabulous agnostic or atheist friends - some of the best people in my life. They are good, kind, loving, loyal, respectful - my best friends. Then there are my Buddhist friends, and my New Age friends, and my Wiccan friends, and my Native American friends, and my ... oh my. Does it really matter, people? Seriously --- where's the love? I concentrate on my feelings toward others. How am I judgmental (I'm judgmental towards judgmental people, and I hate hateful people - makes sense, doesn't it?), how am I limiting someone else's beliefs, how am I being kind and respectful in my life, how could I be kinder and more respectful?

I'm not perfect - FAR from it, but I realize I'm not perfect, nor are my opinions necessarily the best ones around... for anyone else. They're good for me, and I DO happen to think that love is the best option across the board - one of those universal truths, I believe, but beyond that - why can't we just give that fear factor a rest, sit back, pour a good cup of peppermint tea, and read a good Philip Pullman book like good little bibliophiles? C'mon, it's not so bad ... there you go ... ahhhhhhhhhhh.

peace and light

It was a magical weekend. Steve, Erik, Bill and I packed up the Hybrid and headed southeast to Minneapolis. Even with the killer storm on the way, no WAY would we miss Kari's last Christmas Vespers. It was clear all day Friday and Saturday morning, but the snow started around 10AM. Thank goodness we made it to our hair appointments, but as we got coiffed we watched the snow falling heavier and wetter, the cars slipping everywhere. We were going to take a taxi, but they were unreliable time-wise, so I drove to Central Lutheran Church in downtown Minneapolis. What a beautiful church it was - high high high ceilings, the chandeliers decorated with elaborate wreaths and balls, candles in deep blue and purple and red votives were lit all around.

The orchestra started up and the main choir came walking in through the back of the church. I saw Kari with her fabulous new haircut and color, and I started crying. It's a big joke in my family, how much and easily I cry - during movies, when I say good-bye, when I'm moved. But I don't care - I love feeling so full in my heart that I'm easily moved to tears. Tonight was no exception. The choir sang "Dona Nobis Pacem" by Ralph Vaughan Williams. Here are the lyrics:

Nation shall not life up a sword against nation,
neither shall they learn way any more.
And none shall make them afraid,
neither shall the sword go through their land.
Mercy and truth are met together,
righteousness and peace have kissed each other.
Truth shall spring out of the earth;
and righteousness shall look down from heaven.
Open to me the gates of righteousness, I will go into them.
Let all the nations be assembled; and let them hear,
and let them hear, and say, it is the truth.
And it shall come, that I will gather all nations and tongues.
And they shall come and see my glory.
And I will set a sign among them,
and they shall declare my glory among the nations.
For as the new heavens and the new earth,
which I will make, shall remain before me,
so shall your seed and your name remain forever.
Glory to God in the higher, and on earth peace, goodwill toward all.
Dona Nobis Pacem.


And yes, that made me cry. A lot. That was about peace, and I sat there full-hearted once more, wondering why we can't have peace in the world, why we fight all the time, and you can tell me about religions and politics and boundaries, and I don't care. Just because we're different means we have to fight each other. And I wonder what I can personally do about it all, then I realize I can use some of my morning meditation time to just meditate peace, not meditate FOR peace, but meditate the feeling, so maybe others can just FEEL what that perfect feeling of peaceful bliss is like. That's something I can DO, so I will.

The other symbol was light, and some wonderful quotes were used, among them being:

From within or from behind, a light shines through us upon all things and makes us aware that we are nothing, but the light is all. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your light, O God, fills our whole being and is the light unto our path." - Matthew 6:22 - Psalm 119:105

I believe in the truth of all of those words, and I wonder if I have the words to speak my own truth. Sometimes I worry what others may think about me, if I'm strange, or bad, then I think, "How in the world can I be strange or bad if I'm just being myself?" then that makes me feel a little bolder to speak my truth - I think it's CRUCIAL that we each speak what we know, so I take a deep breath and vow to speak more of my total truth, no matter what. What is my truth today? That I think it's imperative that we all wake up, each of us, to what our hearts and souls are telling us. That we connect with that perfect, unblemished part of ourselves and LISTEN to what it's telling us. I think its message is one of love, and trust, forgiveness and patience. Of respect and service to ourselves and others. But most of all, I think our heart's message to us is simply this: "love."