It appears as if we've turned some kind of corner as of yesterday afternoon. For myself, I was feeling more energy, less dizzy and nauseous, more centered and focused. The times with my clients was absolutely unbelievable - it felt like I was actually just transported to another reality and was able to speak and be in that space. I know that I actually AM always in that space, but sometimes I forget in the racing around in this dimension. I felt as if I'd just sickled a whole field full of weeds and now was looking at the cleared field. Interesting is the fact that my forearms are sore this morning, as if I actually HAD been hacking away at weeds.
What's cleared? Probably another layer of those densities in our cells and bodies. I know I must've had a TON of density - just the sheer fact that I'm over 55 pounds lighter, and you KNOW it can't all be water weight... but more than that, it feels airier inside of my body, when I "look" inside and just sit with how it feels to be in my body, I feel decluttered, as if there aren't a million cars and bikes and horns honking and people running - it's more of an active pastoral scene (I would never think that anything about me would be totally still for too long), with horses and geese and a swift-flowing river, a beautiful stand of ancient trees, but that one giant tree standing all by itself in the field. That's my Happy Place, as I call it - that's where I "go" whenever I have a minute to relax, and I know it's the Sacred Spot I've been seeing and building for the past 20 years or so since I first started on this crazy path to enlightenment. It's really the only real place anyway, and it's deep inside of me, or is it "above" me in that expanded place? No, I think it's deep inside of us, and the world is outside of us, and we stand in the middle as the stillpoint, the mid-point between heaven and earth. And as I take more and more time to return to my Home, I feel that solidness, that sturdy footing that's so necessary as parts of our Earthly realities seem to be crumbling more every day. Where can we turn? What can we do? We have ourselves, our Souls, and we have everyone who loves us so dearly that it would be impossible for them to ever leave us. I'm talking about those here on Earth and those beyond. All of our best friends.
And when I feel this breakthrough time, I can't stop taking deep breaths, I can't stop smiling, I can't stop shaking my head in amazement, and I can't stop feeling grateful that I get to be here through all of this - it's amazing, it's a miracle, it's nothing short of life-changing and transformational - can you feel it today? The sun is shining (where I am), and I'm about to strap on my gray and pink tennies and go for a loooooooooong walk - I think it's called for. No more resting for me, and "Scrubs" can wait (just a little bit).
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
the dawning
I've had the distinct privilege of getting to watch the sun rise for at least 5 of the past 7 days. Probably only because it's around 7:30, and that's the time we need to be up, anyway, but it started when we were in Minneapolis and stayed in a room surrounded by windows. We'd left the curtains open, and I couldn't sleep. Notice the deep blue of the night sky. Now it becomes lighter and lighter blue, and you can begin to see details on the buildings and trees and cars, not just dark outlines. Even before you see the first glimpse of gold sun, almost the entire sky is a medium blue color. Then you see the light gold sky in the east, and amazing shades of pink off the clouds if there are any, then the whole sky becomes a light blue before pop - the liquid gold shimmer of the round sun peeks over the horizon. I had this thought: we don't even NEED the sun to be shining in the sky to give us light - it's doing that long before it appears.
And that's just like our current process of enlightenment, or bringing light to. Before the light, we were in total darkness, living our lives by feel, bumping into things, knowing something was out there, but not being able to see it or really know it. We had to make assumptions and guesses about everything - I think that's a tree, I think that's a house, I think that's a person. But then the process started of being reacquainted with our whole Souls, our Suns, and we were starting the process of turning around toward the Sun, because the Sun doesn't move around us, as it looks, but WE move around the Sun (once every 365 1/4 days) and also we twirl around and around (one full revolution a day). So we begin to feel the morning coming, the Sun coming, and we start to be able to SEE again, and it's exciting, because we can know things more fully - oh, it IS a building, but more specifically, it's a LIBRARY. We become empowered with knowledge, with knowing, and it feels great. So we wonder - when will it be totally daylight? It seems to take forever, and it just keeps getting lighter and lighter. Is this day? Now is this? Nope - still dawning? Gees, this is taking a long time - this is good enough vision for me, but no - it just keeps getting lighter and lighter as we keep shifting our perceptions and perspectives TOWARD the Sun, our Soul, returning to our Connection and our Source. It isn't a short process, the dawning of our Soul takes a really long time, but it keeps getting easier every minute, doesn't it? If we keep seeing more, we don't need to be impatient for the WHOLE Sun to be up - we can take this time to get to know our new world, to get acquainted with the parts of ourselves that were in the dark before, but now are exposed to light. We can explore and examine all the parts of ourselves that were hidden to us. There's plenty to do before the full Dawning, which IS coming.
When I look at where I'm at in the process, I can see my Sun already popped up, but still low on the horizon. When is it all finished? I have no idea - maybe when it's right overhead. Probably not totally in this lifetime, but maybe yes - I have no idea. I don't think anyone really knows the answers to those questions, but again I don't think it really matters WHEN - it just matters that it IS dawning, and that's making all the difference to us. And watching the dawning IS magnificent. It's beautiful and whole and bright. Just like our Souls.
And that's just like our current process of enlightenment, or bringing light to. Before the light, we were in total darkness, living our lives by feel, bumping into things, knowing something was out there, but not being able to see it or really know it. We had to make assumptions and guesses about everything - I think that's a tree, I think that's a house, I think that's a person. But then the process started of being reacquainted with our whole Souls, our Suns, and we were starting the process of turning around toward the Sun, because the Sun doesn't move around us, as it looks, but WE move around the Sun (once every 365 1/4 days) and also we twirl around and around (one full revolution a day). So we begin to feel the morning coming, the Sun coming, and we start to be able to SEE again, and it's exciting, because we can know things more fully - oh, it IS a building, but more specifically, it's a LIBRARY. We become empowered with knowledge, with knowing, and it feels great. So we wonder - when will it be totally daylight? It seems to take forever, and it just keeps getting lighter and lighter. Is this day? Now is this? Nope - still dawning? Gees, this is taking a long time - this is good enough vision for me, but no - it just keeps getting lighter and lighter as we keep shifting our perceptions and perspectives TOWARD the Sun, our Soul, returning to our Connection and our Source. It isn't a short process, the dawning of our Soul takes a really long time, but it keeps getting easier every minute, doesn't it? If we keep seeing more, we don't need to be impatient for the WHOLE Sun to be up - we can take this time to get to know our new world, to get acquainted with the parts of ourselves that were in the dark before, but now are exposed to light. We can explore and examine all the parts of ourselves that were hidden to us. There's plenty to do before the full Dawning, which IS coming.
When I look at where I'm at in the process, I can see my Sun already popped up, but still low on the horizon. When is it all finished? I have no idea - maybe when it's right overhead. Probably not totally in this lifetime, but maybe yes - I have no idea. I don't think anyone really knows the answers to those questions, but again I don't think it really matters WHEN - it just matters that it IS dawning, and that's making all the difference to us. And watching the dawning IS magnificent. It's beautiful and whole and bright. Just like our Souls.
Monday, October 29, 2007
nightmare on Park Drive
... will these nightmares never cease? I don't "do" nightmares, but they seem to be "doing" me, if you know what I mean. And now not only is my stomach really queasy all through the night, but last night my whole torso was queasy (I don't even think that's physically possible). Mags thinks I don't have enough stomach acid, but I think it goes beyond that, because just suffice it to say there are some other bodily functions overworking, as well. I respect you too much to go into details. So... what IS going on? It appears to be another big detox. How can that be possible? Aren't we all detoxed enough? Aren't we done with this? My answer is "I don't think we'll EVER be done - it just keeps going deeper and deeper."
Say you want to totally declutter and clean up your whole house. You go through the first time, room by room and get the big stuff cleaned up and cleared out. That is BIG movement and you can feel it, and you feel really great by the time you're done. But now you go back into the front room and start going through the drawers. That's another layer, more subtle and smaller, but still a part of the whole process. You now do that with the rest of the house, and there are a lot more of those smaller areas that need cleaning than the whole big things in the rooms themselves. Now you open one of the boxes in one of the drawers, and start to go through THAT stuff - more little stuff, and more stuff overall than the first or second round of stuff you've already gone through. Do you see? It may not be affecting you as intensely, but there's always more work, somewhere in your body - old stuff that needs to be brought to your attention, then action you need to take with it. Do you want to keep it or get rid of it? Will you use it now that you know you have it and want to keep it? There's so much to do, and apparently this last pass (that we're still in the middle of, by the way), is also related to the whole fall detox thing you read about, so that makes it more obvious.
So ... I continue to eat really lightly, paying attention to upping my fresh veggies (don't you hate it when people say "veggies," like they're best friends with the vegetables so they're giving them nicknames?) and drinking more water with lemon in it. I'm lightening up on the complex carbs and protein, and just listening to what my body wants. It usually wants more stretching and exercise. Today I'm resting all day after my workshop at Park Rapids (which was FABULOUS, by the way - so much discovering and sharing - I love my work), trying to get my new computer up and running (I don't have Word installed on it, so I'm flying by the seat of my pants writing this week's column). I'm excited to start my live channelings up at my office on the first Tuesdays of the month - that will be a great way to connect and get the word out. Such an exciting time of change and self-discovery. If I'd thought I'd be where I am 30 years ago (or 20 or even 10), I never would've believed it - it's a miracle, unbelievable, and yet ... it's my life, and I'm loving it all.
Say you want to totally declutter and clean up your whole house. You go through the first time, room by room and get the big stuff cleaned up and cleared out. That is BIG movement and you can feel it, and you feel really great by the time you're done. But now you go back into the front room and start going through the drawers. That's another layer, more subtle and smaller, but still a part of the whole process. You now do that with the rest of the house, and there are a lot more of those smaller areas that need cleaning than the whole big things in the rooms themselves. Now you open one of the boxes in one of the drawers, and start to go through THAT stuff - more little stuff, and more stuff overall than the first or second round of stuff you've already gone through. Do you see? It may not be affecting you as intensely, but there's always more work, somewhere in your body - old stuff that needs to be brought to your attention, then action you need to take with it. Do you want to keep it or get rid of it? Will you use it now that you know you have it and want to keep it? There's so much to do, and apparently this last pass (that we're still in the middle of, by the way), is also related to the whole fall detox thing you read about, so that makes it more obvious.
So ... I continue to eat really lightly, paying attention to upping my fresh veggies (don't you hate it when people say "veggies," like they're best friends with the vegetables so they're giving them nicknames?) and drinking more water with lemon in it. I'm lightening up on the complex carbs and protein, and just listening to what my body wants. It usually wants more stretching and exercise. Today I'm resting all day after my workshop at Park Rapids (which was FABULOUS, by the way - so much discovering and sharing - I love my work), trying to get my new computer up and running (I don't have Word installed on it, so I'm flying by the seat of my pants writing this week's column). I'm excited to start my live channelings up at my office on the first Tuesdays of the month - that will be a great way to connect and get the word out. Such an exciting time of change and self-discovery. If I'd thought I'd be where I am 30 years ago (or 20 or even 10), I never would've believed it - it's a miracle, unbelievable, and yet ... it's my life, and I'm loving it all.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
the future of humankind... (and the past)
Last night Steve asked me what my workshop in Park Rapids was going to be about. I told him I was going to start off talking about how humans have evolved into a denser and denser state of being by genetically attaching disease and "defects" from lifetime to lifetime onto our DNA and genetic markers. We were supposed to be able to clear any "defects" every generation, but the opposite happened: because the human body is so dense, it became the equivalent of walking in mud - with every step more mud attaches to your foot until you're totally mired in mud and can't move. That WAS the state we were in, until this current process of extensive detoxification process that's totally remaking our bodies on a cellular level. Steve asked if I'd seen a recent Nova episode. I patiently explained that if it's not on Nickelodeon or Food Network, then no, I hadn't seen it. He said that the latest science points to that exact fact - they injected 6 generations of rats with a liver disease. By the 7th generation, the rat was simply born with liver disease - it had been "added" to its genetic markers through repeat exposure.
Wow - I think it's fascinating, since I have little (okay, NO) scientific experience, and only get my information from my higher awarenesses, and I learn new things every day. Another fascinating thing I read in Bill's science book is that the Earth is the densest planet in our solar system (did we ever doubt that?) and also, that the center of Earth is actually one giant crystal, found by looking at the changing seismic waves in the core. A crystal acts as a transmitter and bumps up the energy of anything it comes in contact with, so when we tune in to the center of the Earth, we're actually bumping up our physical energy AND adding energy back into the Earth. I've been thinking about that lately - how we in our higher frequency bodies can help the Earth as she makes her own shifts into the higher frequency realms, so I'm spending time each day consciously sending energy down into the center of the Earth, that beautiful single crystal, and imagine that it glows just a little brighter each time. I ask for Earth to take whatever she needs for her healing and support, and make sure to thank her for all that she gives us, well, life itself, for our physical bodies are just Earth, after all. Ah, now I have an urge to go hug a tree...
Wow - I think it's fascinating, since I have little (okay, NO) scientific experience, and only get my information from my higher awarenesses, and I learn new things every day. Another fascinating thing I read in Bill's science book is that the Earth is the densest planet in our solar system (did we ever doubt that?) and also, that the center of Earth is actually one giant crystal, found by looking at the changing seismic waves in the core. A crystal acts as a transmitter and bumps up the energy of anything it comes in contact with, so when we tune in to the center of the Earth, we're actually bumping up our physical energy AND adding energy back into the Earth. I've been thinking about that lately - how we in our higher frequency bodies can help the Earth as she makes her own shifts into the higher frequency realms, so I'm spending time each day consciously sending energy down into the center of the Earth, that beautiful single crystal, and imagine that it glows just a little brighter each time. I ask for Earth to take whatever she needs for her healing and support, and make sure to thank her for all that she gives us, well, life itself, for our physical bodies are just Earth, after all. Ah, now I have an urge to go hug a tree...
Saturday, October 27, 2007
"...aneesh"
It started when Bill was 2. He and I were sleeping, and Steve heard us talking. What were we saying? Steve couldn't tell, because both Bill and I were chanting in some language he'd never heard before. And the strange thing, he said, was that we were speaking it together, in sync, at the same time. There is a portal in our brains (probably several portals) that opens wider when we are asleep, and that left side of our brains that is rational and conscious calms down a little bit. It's a time of letting the other parts of our brain have a louder voice. So I'm not ever surprised at what happens when we sleep. What's "real" and what's "fake?" I don't really see much of a difference between any energy impulses my brain works with anymore - it's all real, whatever your definition of "real" is. Sometimes it will take me a day or two before I realize that something I was remembering was actually a dream - it seemed that "real" to me. And heaven knows when I do my work I'm accessing different parts of my brain than are commonly used - otherwise it would be impossible to see, hear, feel, smell and know the things in other people's lives and experiences that I'm able to tap into. There's a lot of stuff out there that isn't just staring right in our faces, of THAT I'm 100% certain.
So I was putting Bill to bed the other night, and he'd fallen into that soft place where his mind calms down and he can just be for some hours. I stayed for a while, just loving to hear his soft breathing. I was studying about enzymes (fascinating stuff), when I heard him take a deeper breath, then heard the word, very softly, "aneesh." I concentrated to hear exactly what he was saying, because I'd heard some words I'd never heard before this, and am by nature a curious person. So "aneesh" was the word, and that's only how it sounds, not how it's spelled. What does it mean? What language is it? What is my sweet 8 year old doing when he's in that dream state? Is he off somewhere else doing some work? Is he accessing an ancient life? Is he having a conversation with someone that doesn't quite speak English? I don't know, but I know that when I tuned into his energy when he was speaking, it was larger than an 8 year old's energy - it felt expanded, old, and very wise.
So I continue to be curious about this whole mystical experience, and love the adventure. Every minute something new to discover, every moment another opportunity for fresh eyes and beginner's mind. So ... "aneesh" to you all, and grateful blessings for this one beautiful life.
So I was putting Bill to bed the other night, and he'd fallen into that soft place where his mind calms down and he can just be for some hours. I stayed for a while, just loving to hear his soft breathing. I was studying about enzymes (fascinating stuff), when I heard him take a deeper breath, then heard the word, very softly, "aneesh." I concentrated to hear exactly what he was saying, because I'd heard some words I'd never heard before this, and am by nature a curious person. So "aneesh" was the word, and that's only how it sounds, not how it's spelled. What does it mean? What language is it? What is my sweet 8 year old doing when he's in that dream state? Is he off somewhere else doing some work? Is he accessing an ancient life? Is he having a conversation with someone that doesn't quite speak English? I don't know, but I know that when I tuned into his energy when he was speaking, it was larger than an 8 year old's energy - it felt expanded, old, and very wise.
So I continue to be curious about this whole mystical experience, and love the adventure. Every minute something new to discover, every moment another opportunity for fresh eyes and beginner's mind. So ... "aneesh" to you all, and grateful blessings for this one beautiful life.
Friday, October 26, 2007
Brian's Awesome Colbert Graph
Uber-creative Brian assembled this graph showing the number of people joining the Facebook group from beginning to the 1,000,000 mark- very impressive.
1,000,000 for Colbert
Unbelievable. I'm watching "The Colbert Report" with Kari and Brian last night, and Kari checks her computer and sees that the students who started the "1,000,000 for Colbert" campaign number now around 987,000. They started on Oct. 17th, only 8 days ago, and almost 1,000,000 have signed their support for Stephen Colbert for President.
He's odd, he's brilliant, he's funny, but is he REALLY serious about running for President? He put in his bid in South Carolina last week, I think. I wonder what's real and what's satire, then I say to Kari and Brian, "It's perfect. It's all an illusion, anyway, this whole thing, it's like a talk show, and whether Colbert's "real" or not, does that matter?" Then I wonder, is ANYONE real, and what does "real" mean, anyway? I think it's really interesting, and it would be neat to see if so many students watching and loving Colbert would then be prompted to become active voters, to CARE enough about their world to become involved with politics. I've heard some young peope say that politics are a joke, and it doesn't matter, so why bother about anything? And I feel sad that they're so cynical and jaded. I've been accused of being too optimistic and rosy, but I think you HAVE to believe in the impossible, you HAVE to believe in the kindness of people. Colbert interviewed Congressman Kucinich, and it turns out that he keeps a copy of this quote in his pocket: "Only he who attempts the absurb is capable of achieving the impossible."
So Stephen Colbert is accomplishing the impossible, I live my life every day daring to live believing that we are all the same, we are all connected, and that anything IS possible, not only on the earth, but everywhere we may find ourselves. There is SO much more than just our eyes see, or our ears hear, and when I keep my life slow enough so that I can remember to breathe, I know this to unequivocally true. Plus, I probably WOULD vote for Colbert if he keeps going with this thing. And I love my WRISTSTRONG bracelet ...
He's odd, he's brilliant, he's funny, but is he REALLY serious about running for President? He put in his bid in South Carolina last week, I think. I wonder what's real and what's satire, then I say to Kari and Brian, "It's perfect. It's all an illusion, anyway, this whole thing, it's like a talk show, and whether Colbert's "real" or not, does that matter?" Then I wonder, is ANYONE real, and what does "real" mean, anyway? I think it's really interesting, and it would be neat to see if so many students watching and loving Colbert would then be prompted to become active voters, to CARE enough about their world to become involved with politics. I've heard some young peope say that politics are a joke, and it doesn't matter, so why bother about anything? And I feel sad that they're so cynical and jaded. I've been accused of being too optimistic and rosy, but I think you HAVE to believe in the impossible, you HAVE to believe in the kindness of people. Colbert interviewed Congressman Kucinich, and it turns out that he keeps a copy of this quote in his pocket: "Only he who attempts the absurb is capable of achieving the impossible."
So Stephen Colbert is accomplishing the impossible, I live my life every day daring to live believing that we are all the same, we are all connected, and that anything IS possible, not only on the earth, but everywhere we may find ourselves. There is SO much more than just our eyes see, or our ears hear, and when I keep my life slow enough so that I can remember to breathe, I know this to unequivocally true. Plus, I probably WOULD vote for Colbert if he keeps going with this thing. And I love my WRISTSTRONG bracelet ...
Thursday, October 25, 2007
intricacies of family
My niece is getting married today... over in Hawaii... it was supposed to be a secret... but the rest of us found out. The rest of my family is upset - why wouldn't our sister tell us? Why the big secret? Why why why? I told my mom very calmly, "I don't care." She couldn't understand me - everyone ELSE was upset - why not me? I told her "because if they don't want us in their lives, that's their decision. It's no reflection on any of us, because we're all fabulous people."
I feel sorry for my sister and her family, and I know that's not quite the emotion I should probably have, but at least it's not pity - well, on second thought, I DO feel pity, also. And if I'm totally honest, I don't totally NOT care, because I'm writing about it here. So what DO I feel? I feel very badly for Mom and Dad - they keep feeling like my sister has rejected them, and doesn't care or love them. I can understand how they can feel that way, but I can't make up for her lack of attention and affection. I can only love and adore my parents as much as I am able, and I do that. When I tune in to my sister and her family, I see pain, and a feeling of being misunderstood, and I feel compassion for them. They might not feel accepted by us, and here we sit making assumptions about THEM. So I call her on her birthday, send her packages and letters and gifts throughout the year, send her love and best wishes. I hope my niece has a beautiful life, no matter where she is (I have no idea where she's living, or what she's doing - I haven't seen her in a few years). I hope my other niece and nephew are doing well, as well. I love my family. We're crazy sometimes. Let's be honest - aren't ALL families somewhat crazy? They don't make movies about this sort of stuff just for fun.
So what can we DO with this family stuff when it happens, and we just can't get away from it? With friends or neighbors or acquaintances we can say, "Well, forget THIS - I'm out of here," but with family, well, they're family forever. What I choose to do is look at the whole picture. Families are in a big soup pot, and we're going to bump up against that rutabaga sometime in our lives, so I will make it my mission to love, accept and embrace that rutabaga - I will see all of its good qualities, and accept it just for being itself. My sister is my sister - we share the same DNA, the same family history (somewhat - there's quite an age difference), we look alike (sort of). So I love her. But she is different. She's made different choices in her life - where she attends church, who she married, how she raised her kids, how she continues to "raise" her adult kids, where she lives, how she spends her money, how she treats others. That's the same for everyone in the world - we're all different. So I choose who to have in my life - I choose my inner circle (family members aren't necessarily in that intimate inner circle), my middle circle and my outer circle. My sister is admittedly relegated to my outer circle, but that's okay. I don't feel guilty, and I don't feel anger. But I admit I DO feel sadness as I remember my childhood and how their nickname for me was "sweet sister Sus," or SSS. I feel sadness as I remember going out with a camera full of black and white film, shooting trees down at Sibley Park, I feel sadness as I remember hanging out with her while she was pregnant with her oldest, eating salty, crispy fries at Scotty's Drive-In. I feel sadness as I remember babysitting for her eldest with the white, curly hair - I loved that child so much. So much time together, and now... nothing. But that's okay - life is life, and things change - you can't hold on to everything. So I wish my niece well, I wish my sister well, and my brother-in-law - may you all be free from pain, may you find peace in your lives and be happy. I love you all.
I feel sorry for my sister and her family, and I know that's not quite the emotion I should probably have, but at least it's not pity - well, on second thought, I DO feel pity, also. And if I'm totally honest, I don't totally NOT care, because I'm writing about it here. So what DO I feel? I feel very badly for Mom and Dad - they keep feeling like my sister has rejected them, and doesn't care or love them. I can understand how they can feel that way, but I can't make up for her lack of attention and affection. I can only love and adore my parents as much as I am able, and I do that. When I tune in to my sister and her family, I see pain, and a feeling of being misunderstood, and I feel compassion for them. They might not feel accepted by us, and here we sit making assumptions about THEM. So I call her on her birthday, send her packages and letters and gifts throughout the year, send her love and best wishes. I hope my niece has a beautiful life, no matter where she is (I have no idea where she's living, or what she's doing - I haven't seen her in a few years). I hope my other niece and nephew are doing well, as well. I love my family. We're crazy sometimes. Let's be honest - aren't ALL families somewhat crazy? They don't make movies about this sort of stuff just for fun.
So what can we DO with this family stuff when it happens, and we just can't get away from it? With friends or neighbors or acquaintances we can say, "Well, forget THIS - I'm out of here," but with family, well, they're family forever. What I choose to do is look at the whole picture. Families are in a big soup pot, and we're going to bump up against that rutabaga sometime in our lives, so I will make it my mission to love, accept and embrace that rutabaga - I will see all of its good qualities, and accept it just for being itself. My sister is my sister - we share the same DNA, the same family history (somewhat - there's quite an age difference), we look alike (sort of). So I love her. But she is different. She's made different choices in her life - where she attends church, who she married, how she raised her kids, how she continues to "raise" her adult kids, where she lives, how she spends her money, how she treats others. That's the same for everyone in the world - we're all different. So I choose who to have in my life - I choose my inner circle (family members aren't necessarily in that intimate inner circle), my middle circle and my outer circle. My sister is admittedly relegated to my outer circle, but that's okay. I don't feel guilty, and I don't feel anger. But I admit I DO feel sadness as I remember my childhood and how their nickname for me was "sweet sister Sus," or SSS. I feel sadness as I remember going out with a camera full of black and white film, shooting trees down at Sibley Park, I feel sadness as I remember hanging out with her while she was pregnant with her oldest, eating salty, crispy fries at Scotty's Drive-In. I feel sadness as I remember babysitting for her eldest with the white, curly hair - I loved that child so much. So much time together, and now... nothing. But that's okay - life is life, and things change - you can't hold on to everything. So I wish my niece well, I wish my sister well, and my brother-in-law - may you all be free from pain, may you find peace in your lives and be happy. I love you all.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Almighty? All righty...
We spent the last 4 days in Minneapolis, and I can sum the whole trip up in three words - in room movies - we saw 5 of them, among them "Evan Almighty." I'd seen the previews, but wasn't that impressed. I really like Steve Carvell and the way he says "SHEEEEEEEEP" when he sees them in the back seat of his car, but I didn't know about the rest of it. Now I know I'll never forget Genesis 3:16 (look it up), and I must say, I got goosebumps for most of the movie. At one point I was saying very loudly, "I LOVE THIS MOVIE" to Bill, who looked up casually from his GameBoy and said, "Nice, Mom." What moved me? The thought that we may say we want to make a difference in this world, then when we're called to actually DO something, we say, "Ah, well, that wasn't EXACTLY what I was thinking - could you make me win the lottery, and I'll give some money away to people who need it?", but God/aka Morgan Freeman (I love that man) doesn't relent, but he DOES have humor (which I think god/the Universe/whatever you call that greater force out there) and is kind and patient. As God says, "I have all the time in the world."
It's a movie about faith, especially. God says the story of Noah and the ark is about family sticking together, but I had the feeling it was more about acting on your inner instincts - I'm not talking about the "God made me do this" kind of mentality that can get really destructive, but the genuinely inwardly found small still voice that is our connection to the Divine, the voice that encourages, doesn't waver or give up on us, always loves us, wants to help us. When we call on that connection, then take the time to LISTEN to what the other part is saying, we get some valuable insight. What if Evan didn't build the boat, didn't believe in the Sept. 22, midday prediction from God? What if Noah didn't? What if the Noah's ark story isn't "real" (there are legends of a flood in many traditions, one of them being the Native Americans) but a metaphor. What, then, might the metaphor be for? If I think about it, for me it might be something about being true to ourselves and doing what we know to be right for ourselves, then doing it, no matter what. It might look weird or strange to others, or might not make sense, but if we could look at that expanded picture, we'd see that we need to make a change in direction right NOW because the bridge is out a few miles up the road.
So, check out "Evan Almighty" if you haven't already seen it. I was pleasantly surprised, and even found myself dancing energetically at the end, fired up for the rest of the day. What am I willing to do to make a difference in the world? Do my work for free? Run for School Board? Volunteer at Hospice again? Open an organic bake shop? I don't know - I don't know what's around the corner, but it's okay - I'm peaceful just to be sitting here this morning, looking at the beautiful sun shining outside, and extremely grateful to be alive and well.
It's a movie about faith, especially. God says the story of Noah and the ark is about family sticking together, but I had the feeling it was more about acting on your inner instincts - I'm not talking about the "God made me do this" kind of mentality that can get really destructive, but the genuinely inwardly found small still voice that is our connection to the Divine, the voice that encourages, doesn't waver or give up on us, always loves us, wants to help us. When we call on that connection, then take the time to LISTEN to what the other part is saying, we get some valuable insight. What if Evan didn't build the boat, didn't believe in the Sept. 22, midday prediction from God? What if Noah didn't? What if the Noah's ark story isn't "real" (there are legends of a flood in many traditions, one of them being the Native Americans) but a metaphor. What, then, might the metaphor be for? If I think about it, for me it might be something about being true to ourselves and doing what we know to be right for ourselves, then doing it, no matter what. It might look weird or strange to others, or might not make sense, but if we could look at that expanded picture, we'd see that we need to make a change in direction right NOW because the bridge is out a few miles up the road.
So, check out "Evan Almighty" if you haven't already seen it. I was pleasantly surprised, and even found myself dancing energetically at the end, fired up for the rest of the day. What am I willing to do to make a difference in the world? Do my work for free? Run for School Board? Volunteer at Hospice again? Open an organic bake shop? I don't know - I don't know what's around the corner, but it's okay - I'm peaceful just to be sitting here this morning, looking at the beautiful sun shining outside, and extremely grateful to be alive and well.
Friday, October 19, 2007
What's so holy about Halloween?
Okay, maybe if we didn't watch Nickelodeon so much we wouldn't see the advertisements for "13 Days of Horror" that's coming up, or another channel's "Best Horror Movies" with clips from "Halloween" and "Hellraiser." I'm tired of putting my hand over Bill's eyes, and I wonder what's so different about this year than any of the other years for me. I walk into KMart and see the ghoul with his bloody head in his hand, moaning, and I get slightly sick to my stomach. What IS the fascinatioin with horror, fright, gore, screams? Don't we have enough of that in the REAL world? Isn't there some other way to celebrate this sacred time of year, the time of changes, autumn solstices, becoming more introspective? I don't know if Day of the Dead or All Saint's Day would be "better," but I'm intrigued with the HONORING of our dead, rather than a groutesque glorification of the natural process of dying.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I hope Bill doesn't want to watch horror movies when he's older. I know Kari has watched a few, and Jordan and Erik both told me they saw "Hostel" and even THEY got too freaked out at one point in the movie and had to turn it off. I admit, I watched horror movies when I was younger, but when I watched "The Island" and had a nightmare, then came into Mom and Dad's room (I was 19), they didn't have much pity for me, and that was pretty much the end of scary movies for me. But I admit, I like the Blade movies (there's something about vampires...), but I can't tell you the difference in my mind, other than I've heard it said that your brain can't tell what's REAL and what's NOT. So if I tell you to picture a yellow rose, your brain impulse would look the same as if you were looking at a REAL rose. So what we see on TV or in the movies is real to us whether it really IS real or not.
I know I can't fight City Hall (or KMart), so I'm giving Tochi sunflower seeds out for Halloween, continue researching Day of the Dead festivities, continue celebrating the autumn solstice, and continue holding a sacred space for love and gentleness and light. I wonder what it would take to change it all around, then I know that it can only change inside myself, so that is where I look (again) today - peace and love for myself, for my loved ones, for my dear friends, for my acquaintances, for those who hurt me, for all world leaders, for those who are hurting or scared or hungry, and peace and love for those who are in pain and hurt others. I want to be as holy (whole) and healed (whole) as possible, and if that is where I keep my concentration, that is what I'll keep creating, and when it's beautiful on the inside, it's beautiful on the outside, as well.
I would be lying if I didn't say that I hope Bill doesn't want to watch horror movies when he's older. I know Kari has watched a few, and Jordan and Erik both told me they saw "Hostel" and even THEY got too freaked out at one point in the movie and had to turn it off. I admit, I watched horror movies when I was younger, but when I watched "The Island" and had a nightmare, then came into Mom and Dad's room (I was 19), they didn't have much pity for me, and that was pretty much the end of scary movies for me. But I admit, I like the Blade movies (there's something about vampires...), but I can't tell you the difference in my mind, other than I've heard it said that your brain can't tell what's REAL and what's NOT. So if I tell you to picture a yellow rose, your brain impulse would look the same as if you were looking at a REAL rose. So what we see on TV or in the movies is real to us whether it really IS real or not.
I know I can't fight City Hall (or KMart), so I'm giving Tochi sunflower seeds out for Halloween, continue researching Day of the Dead festivities, continue celebrating the autumn solstice, and continue holding a sacred space for love and gentleness and light. I wonder what it would take to change it all around, then I know that it can only change inside myself, so that is where I look (again) today - peace and love for myself, for my loved ones, for my dear friends, for my acquaintances, for those who hurt me, for all world leaders, for those who are hurting or scared or hungry, and peace and love for those who are in pain and hurt others. I want to be as holy (whole) and healed (whole) as possible, and if that is where I keep my concentration, that is what I'll keep creating, and when it's beautiful on the inside, it's beautiful on the outside, as well.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
night school and waking up
I was taking a class last night while dreaming. I notice when I sleep soundly (no waking up 100 times a night, which I've been doing lately), I only need 8 hours of sleep. Otherwise, I can sleep for 10 and still feel groggy. So, this last intense energy shift seems to have lifted as of this morning. A woman with dark hair led the class, and had made a stone labryinth-type thing she was showing us how to access for our health. While I don't remember the details on a conscious level, I'm sure it was some kind of training that will stay with me for the future.
I've also been noticing my thoughts lately, and tuning in to how my body feels when my mind is thinking different thoughts. When I feel resentful, my body feels dark and tight. When I feel gratitude, I feel sunny and wide open. When I feel anger, I feel "red." When I feel love, I feel "golden." It's an interesting exercise, and one you might want to try. There's no judgment, just observation, and that seems to be my greatest teacher. There's someone I know (a friend, even) that I'm feeling some resentment toward because I've helped them immensely in their work, and they have not even said thank you (well, they probably HAVE said thank you, but it doesn't feel like it), nor helped me in any way (but I don't know that for sure - maybe they HAVE and I just don't know). I even get the feeling that they have tried to undermine my work in different ways. Now, I'm not thinking this is about that person - I'm convinced it's all inside of me, so I'm even beginning to enjoy the exercise that goes with waking up to myself. When I feel any anger toward this person, I ask myself, "Have I ever acted the way I think they're acting?" Yes. "What facts do I have to make me feel this way?" Usually scant facts - mostly just feelings. "Is there something I can do for myself to feel better about myself?" Yes - call Melissa, my soul sister, or Mags, one of my truest friends, or journal, or go for a walk, or cook something. Taking responsibility for my own feelings is the key to lovingly and gently moving through all of this lower energy muck (anger, resentment, fear), and this person really IS a friend - not close, but still a good person. We're ALL good people - so what part of MY vision is cloudy or fractured and how can I heal my vision? That's what I'm thinking about today, a drizzly cloud day.
Erik, Bill and I leave for Minneapolis to spend time with Kari, and see the holistic dentist and good dermatologist. We're going to the Picasso exhibit and the Pompei exhibit - I can hardly wait. I haven't seen Kari since the end of August. I was holding Bill the other night, happy just to be with him, and he looked up at me and said, "Is it hard to let your kids go?"
"Yes," I told him, "Yes, it is - because I love you guys so much, but it's important for you to fly when it's time."
"But at least we've still got 10 more years," he said, relieved.
"Yes, yes, we do," I answered, just as relieved.
I miss my daughter Kari, I do. It's a visceral feeling right square in the center of my stomach, originating in my heart. But when you love someone, you're always connected, no matter where you are. That I know for sure. Here's to family, here's to love, here's to continued self-awareness and gentleness. Here's to eternal gratitude for being incarnate, and for all of our endless blessings. There's so much to be thankful for, and I want to keep remembering that.
I've also been noticing my thoughts lately, and tuning in to how my body feels when my mind is thinking different thoughts. When I feel resentful, my body feels dark and tight. When I feel gratitude, I feel sunny and wide open. When I feel anger, I feel "red." When I feel love, I feel "golden." It's an interesting exercise, and one you might want to try. There's no judgment, just observation, and that seems to be my greatest teacher. There's someone I know (a friend, even) that I'm feeling some resentment toward because I've helped them immensely in their work, and they have not even said thank you (well, they probably HAVE said thank you, but it doesn't feel like it), nor helped me in any way (but I don't know that for sure - maybe they HAVE and I just don't know). I even get the feeling that they have tried to undermine my work in different ways. Now, I'm not thinking this is about that person - I'm convinced it's all inside of me, so I'm even beginning to enjoy the exercise that goes with waking up to myself. When I feel any anger toward this person, I ask myself, "Have I ever acted the way I think they're acting?" Yes. "What facts do I have to make me feel this way?" Usually scant facts - mostly just feelings. "Is there something I can do for myself to feel better about myself?" Yes - call Melissa, my soul sister, or Mags, one of my truest friends, or journal, or go for a walk, or cook something. Taking responsibility for my own feelings is the key to lovingly and gently moving through all of this lower energy muck (anger, resentment, fear), and this person really IS a friend - not close, but still a good person. We're ALL good people - so what part of MY vision is cloudy or fractured and how can I heal my vision? That's what I'm thinking about today, a drizzly cloud day.
Erik, Bill and I leave for Minneapolis to spend time with Kari, and see the holistic dentist and good dermatologist. We're going to the Picasso exhibit and the Pompei exhibit - I can hardly wait. I haven't seen Kari since the end of August. I was holding Bill the other night, happy just to be with him, and he looked up at me and said, "Is it hard to let your kids go?"
"Yes," I told him, "Yes, it is - because I love you guys so much, but it's important for you to fly when it's time."
"But at least we've still got 10 more years," he said, relieved.
"Yes, yes, we do," I answered, just as relieved.
I miss my daughter Kari, I do. It's a visceral feeling right square in the center of my stomach, originating in my heart. But when you love someone, you're always connected, no matter where you are. That I know for sure. Here's to family, here's to love, here's to continued self-awareness and gentleness. Here's to eternal gratitude for being incarnate, and for all of our endless blessings. There's so much to be thankful for, and I want to keep remembering that.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
what is this fresh horror?
So ... we're all blissful, right? Enter two nights ago (or was it just last night? I forget) - frustration, impatience, anger, insomnia (bigtime - like we've all ingested 2 pots of coffee), did I mention impatience? Everyone I've spoken with is experiencing the same thing. We're all set to go, have been doing this energy work for over a year, and it's time already - let's get this party started. Let's go go go, but nooooooooooo (as Steve Martin would say) - here we sit... and sit and sit. So - what do we do until something moves off the starting point? I've been doing DDR every morning, working up a huge sweat to 45 minutes to an hour of heart-pumping smooth dance moves. I've been doing my heart meditation (start with both hands on your heart to feel the energy there - get the communicaiton started, then move one hand up to your forehead to get your heart and head communicating. When you feel the connection move your heart hand down to your stomach to get your head talking some sense into your poor fear-based tummy, then when you feel the connection there, move both of your hands back to your heart and just sit for a while taking deep breaths. I also am staying present, remaining in a state of gratitude and abundance, writing in my gratitude journal every night, and re-reading the whole thing every morning. I'm calling friends, making lunch dates, making bulgar burgers and zesty tomato soup with lime (cooking seems to calm me down and ground me beautifully).
What are YOU doing? Are you feeling this current restlessness? If not, kudos to you - let me know what you're doing in your life. It's also a time of purging - big-time, and frustration over an overabundance of "things" that feel like they're weighing us down, and that's exactly what's happening, I think - physical "things" are too dense, they're of the lower energy that may no longer be a part of our new lives, so we're having to reassess everything in our lives, and again, that's no small task. But it's all well worth it, and from where I'm sitting, mandatory - no shirking out of anything, no going back to sleep. We may not be moving forward as fast as we would like, but I still maintain (through gritted teeth) that we're still exactly where we need to be at this moment - there are no mistakes. Really, I DO believe that with my whole heart.
What are YOU doing? Are you feeling this current restlessness? If not, kudos to you - let me know what you're doing in your life. It's also a time of purging - big-time, and frustration over an overabundance of "things" that feel like they're weighing us down, and that's exactly what's happening, I think - physical "things" are too dense, they're of the lower energy that may no longer be a part of our new lives, so we're having to reassess everything in our lives, and again, that's no small task. But it's all well worth it, and from where I'm sitting, mandatory - no shirking out of anything, no going back to sleep. We may not be moving forward as fast as we would like, but I still maintain (through gritted teeth) that we're still exactly where we need to be at this moment - there are no mistakes. Really, I DO believe that with my whole heart.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Mercury is in retrograde (and in our lightbulbs)
I talked with my dear friend, Kristin, from CA, and told her my computer woes. She said it's because Mercury is in retrograde (I'm still not sure what this means, but maybe something like bell bottoms are back in style? Retro?), and that messes with our electronics. Then I read an article in Steve's "Men's Health" - yes, I read it for the articles... and it said that if you drop a flourescent compact bulb (the kind that's good for the environment) it releases mercury vapor. I was shocked that I'd never heard of that before, so looked at our GE lightbulb casing, and sure enough it said "Contains mercury." I called their 800 number, and there was even a number to press to hear recorded information about the mercury. You can also go on their website at www.gelighting.com and get more information. I thought it was good information to pass on - just be careful not to break the bulbs - handle them by their base, and don't try to force them on or off. I haven't read of how to dispose of them, but I'm assuming because they're hazardous materials there may be special instructions. I'm still surprised that I hadn't heard of this before, but maybe we're all just waking up to various degrees about many things in our world.
How is everyone else feeling? Sort of like recuperating from a long, drawn-out illness - tired, drained, still a little shell-shocked. I still feel really blissful (most of the time), but last night I got a blast of real frustration that made everything around me intolerable for about an hour. My poor family - even their breathing bothered me, until I told Steve "I just couldn't take it anymore - I need a break" then I realized I'd had the whole day to do my work and be quiet, so it was something more than that, but I can't put my finger on it. I'm assuming this is all part of the ups and downs associated with integrating into this new place, accepting what IS instead of always looking around at what could be "better" or more or faster. So I slow down today, dance to DDR for an hour, drink a lot of water, and am now heading off to see my clients for the day. It IS all good - I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact, even if I have to keep saying it over and over and over and over...
How is everyone else feeling? Sort of like recuperating from a long, drawn-out illness - tired, drained, still a little shell-shocked. I still feel really blissful (most of the time), but last night I got a blast of real frustration that made everything around me intolerable for about an hour. My poor family - even their breathing bothered me, until I told Steve "I just couldn't take it anymore - I need a break" then I realized I'd had the whole day to do my work and be quiet, so it was something more than that, but I can't put my finger on it. I'm assuming this is all part of the ups and downs associated with integrating into this new place, accepting what IS instead of always looking around at what could be "better" or more or faster. So I slow down today, dance to DDR for an hour, drink a lot of water, and am now heading off to see my clients for the day. It IS all good - I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact, even if I have to keep saying it over and over and over and over...
Monday, October 15, 2007
bubble bubble toil and (no) trouble ...
There's still a feeling of restlessness in the air, like we can hear the music, even feel the bass booming, but there's no party to be seen. Everyone feels it. The extreme fatigue has lifted (thank goodness), sleep is better, moods are overall higher, and yet... I centered myself, took a deep breath, and asked for some illumination, and what I got was that we're like the outer crust on the Earth, our physical lives make up that percentage of what makes us US. I think it's a REALLY small percentage - like .01% of the whole Earth's matter (if anyone knows for sure, please let me know). So we experience things only when they're on that surface, and that's how we've been living our lives (and previous lives) for millions of years. Rely on what's in front of you, what you can experience with your physical 5 senses, only now it's all changed. If you stop for a moment, maybe you can feel it bubbling up from your core, from the center of the "Earth." The changes start at the center, then expand and expand until finally (FINALLY) they reach the outer crust, but that's not until the very last minute, kind of like the designing shows (not that I watch THAT many, mind you) where they work for 1000 people hours to re-do the house, and it looks like chaos until the last 15 minutes when they race around hanging pictures, lighting candles, draping afghans, and rolling out the rugs.
So, that's apparently where we are with all of our momentous changes - they're just starting to "hang the pictures and light the candles" in our physical lives - we're just beginning to see and feel consciously how it's all coming together, but still feeling that "we want to be DONE with all of this" kind of feeling (I know I am). The answer? One thing I saw was to concentrate on exactly what's in front of you every moment - dive into the moment, gobble it up, be there fully, enjoy it. If we don't know yet what's going on, then nothing we think about or plan for is going to make any difference (or sense). We're free to do whatever we want to do, but if you're feeling frustrated, maybe it's time to try something different. The phrase "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results" keeps popping up in my head, so I think that's also the order of the day. If you usuallly run for your pot of coffee first thing in the morning to get you going, maybe you could try a brisk walk and a glass of purified water. If you worry about every little thing in the future, maybe you can be preemptive and say to yourself one day "for this WHOLE day, I choose not to worry about anything. I'll act as if everything is in perfect order" and see what happens.
This is a shifting time, an integrating time, a coming-together time, and I have no idea what's on the other side after this step, but I trust that it's absolutely glorious and wonderful, because I already feel that most of the time right now. It's just this restless feeling that's getting annoying. What's next? What's next? What am I going to be when I grow up? I have no idea, but it's making for an exciting story, and I can't wait to see how it's going to unfold.
So, that's apparently where we are with all of our momentous changes - they're just starting to "hang the pictures and light the candles" in our physical lives - we're just beginning to see and feel consciously how it's all coming together, but still feeling that "we want to be DONE with all of this" kind of feeling (I know I am). The answer? One thing I saw was to concentrate on exactly what's in front of you every moment - dive into the moment, gobble it up, be there fully, enjoy it. If we don't know yet what's going on, then nothing we think about or plan for is going to make any difference (or sense). We're free to do whatever we want to do, but if you're feeling frustrated, maybe it's time to try something different. The phrase "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results" keeps popping up in my head, so I think that's also the order of the day. If you usuallly run for your pot of coffee first thing in the morning to get you going, maybe you could try a brisk walk and a glass of purified water. If you worry about every little thing in the future, maybe you can be preemptive and say to yourself one day "for this WHOLE day, I choose not to worry about anything. I'll act as if everything is in perfect order" and see what happens.
This is a shifting time, an integrating time, a coming-together time, and I have no idea what's on the other side after this step, but I trust that it's absolutely glorious and wonderful, because I already feel that most of the time right now. It's just this restless feeling that's getting annoying. What's next? What's next? What am I going to be when I grow up? I have no idea, but it's making for an exciting story, and I can't wait to see how it's going to unfold.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
know your numbers
First of all, what are the odds that BOTH of my computers die at the same time? In my world, that is a clear sign that I need to step away from the internet for a little breather. So ... after a LONG hiatus, I have one of my computers up and limping until I can get a new one.
Exactly a year ago I had my annual physical and the results weren't that bad. But I was worried about my blood sugar (103), and wondering about my HDL (43) and my LDL (130) and triglycerides (75). We're supposed to "know our numbers," which are blood pressure, blood glucose, HDL, LDL, total cholesterol, triglycerides, and hey, let's toss in CRP just for fun. So I spent the last year concentrating on good nutrition (some say I am a tad obsessed, but hey, it's all for the health of me and my family), exercise, de-stressing, and overall lightening up and having a grand time. I would say I've accomplished all of the above - I live a clean life, I've cut back on my workaholic tendencies to working manageable hours and still getting to be at home most nights and weekends (and I'm making MORE money than at this time last year - go figure). So when I "got my numbers," Trish, my smart naturopath was mildly flabbergasted, I think. My HDL went up 15 points, my LDL went down 20 points, my triglycerides went down 13 points, total cholesterol went down 17 points, my blood sugar went down 6 points, and my CRP numbers didn't even register. Why do I care? Because it was ALL done with nutrition, my friends, no prescription drugs, no operations, just a tad of supplements (I won't bore with you a list, but it's the typical Omega 3, calcium stuff), and moderate living all around. I'm happy, deeply happy, satisfied, calm, peaceful, and almost always blissfully happy, no matter what's going on in the rest of the world.
I'm watching my mom die from complications due to heart problems and diabetes, and I am convinced that good nutrition and a healthier lifestyle could have saved my mom a whole lot of heartache (for us, her family, also). So I care - yes, I care a lot, and I'm asked if I will lighten up now that I got "good numbers" and I think, "Heck no - I'm only getting started," because you see, when I get passionate about something, I don't ever quit - I enter fully into it, embrace it, OWN it, and this new world of nutrition and natural health has lit a roaring fire inside of me that will never be quenched. I am well into my studies in holistic nutrition, and anxious to put it all into practice. I'm bringing in food and letting the kids in Bill's class cook a whole fabulous organic meal so they can see what all the fuss is about. I'm speaking about the importance of loving your body and treating it as you would your best Beloved in all of my classes and workshops now. And I'm talking to people - if you thought I was chatty before, well, now I can't seem to shut up. It's new, I know, but it's more than that. I think it's not only important for all of us to talk about this, but I think it's essential to our survival. If we don't know, we get sick and hurt a lot. And I don't think that's what we're supposed to be doing here this time around. I think we're here to feel fabulous, energetic, bouncy, and happy. I can't stop dancing (literally - you should see me), and I am happy. I'm happy I know my numbers, and I'm happy my numbers are "textbook healthy." I'm happy my husband and children are getting healthier along with me, and I'm happy that I'm so excited about it all. And that's all I'm going to say about that ...
Exactly a year ago I had my annual physical and the results weren't that bad. But I was worried about my blood sugar (103), and wondering about my HDL (43) and my LDL (130) and triglycerides (75). We're supposed to "know our numbers," which are blood pressure, blood glucose, HDL, LDL, total cholesterol, triglycerides, and hey, let's toss in CRP just for fun. So I spent the last year concentrating on good nutrition (some say I am a tad obsessed, but hey, it's all for the health of me and my family), exercise, de-stressing, and overall lightening up and having a grand time. I would say I've accomplished all of the above - I live a clean life, I've cut back on my workaholic tendencies to working manageable hours and still getting to be at home most nights and weekends (and I'm making MORE money than at this time last year - go figure). So when I "got my numbers," Trish, my smart naturopath was mildly flabbergasted, I think. My HDL went up 15 points, my LDL went down 20 points, my triglycerides went down 13 points, total cholesterol went down 17 points, my blood sugar went down 6 points, and my CRP numbers didn't even register. Why do I care? Because it was ALL done with nutrition, my friends, no prescription drugs, no operations, just a tad of supplements (I won't bore with you a list, but it's the typical Omega 3, calcium stuff), and moderate living all around. I'm happy, deeply happy, satisfied, calm, peaceful, and almost always blissfully happy, no matter what's going on in the rest of the world.
I'm watching my mom die from complications due to heart problems and diabetes, and I am convinced that good nutrition and a healthier lifestyle could have saved my mom a whole lot of heartache (for us, her family, also). So I care - yes, I care a lot, and I'm asked if I will lighten up now that I got "good numbers" and I think, "Heck no - I'm only getting started," because you see, when I get passionate about something, I don't ever quit - I enter fully into it, embrace it, OWN it, and this new world of nutrition and natural health has lit a roaring fire inside of me that will never be quenched. I am well into my studies in holistic nutrition, and anxious to put it all into practice. I'm bringing in food and letting the kids in Bill's class cook a whole fabulous organic meal so they can see what all the fuss is about. I'm speaking about the importance of loving your body and treating it as you would your best Beloved in all of my classes and workshops now. And I'm talking to people - if you thought I was chatty before, well, now I can't seem to shut up. It's new, I know, but it's more than that. I think it's not only important for all of us to talk about this, but I think it's essential to our survival. If we don't know, we get sick and hurt a lot. And I don't think that's what we're supposed to be doing here this time around. I think we're here to feel fabulous, energetic, bouncy, and happy. I can't stop dancing (literally - you should see me), and I am happy. I'm happy I know my numbers, and I'm happy my numbers are "textbook healthy." I'm happy my husband and children are getting healthier along with me, and I'm happy that I'm so excited about it all. And that's all I'm going to say about that ...
Friday, October 5, 2007
Billy Joes
It was a great birthday. Bill turned 8 and woke up to smiley faces all over the lawn, thanks to Jodie and Eli and their business "On the Lawn." I made a quadruple batch of Sloppy Joe's for everyone for dinner, extra so Erik could take some home to his townhouse, and we all munched down. We re-named the Sloppy Joe's "Billy Joe's" in honor of Bill's birthday. I share the recipe with you this beautiful day. Enjoy.
Billy Joes
2 small onions
2 tablespoons chopped banana peppers
6 cloves garlic
4 tablespoons olive oil
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon dry yellow mustard
2 1/2 pounds ground beef
1 cup ketchup
3 cups tomato puree
2 tablepoons cider vinegar
Sea salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
8 whole wheat hamburger buns
In a food processor, combine the onions, peppers and garlic. Pulse until very finely minced. You may need to scrape down the sides of the bowl several times. Set aside.
Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onion mixture and saute for about 4 minutes. Add the paprika, cumin, chili powder and mustard powder. Stir well and saute another couple minutes, or until the onions are very soft.
Add the beef and saute, breaking up the clumps with a spoon, until the meat is just browned, about 5 minutes. Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, whisk together the ketchup, tomato puree and vinegar. Add this to the meat, bring to a simmer, then lower heat to medium and cook, uncovered, 10 minutes, or until slightly thickened. Season with salt and pepper. Arrange sloppily over buns, grab a fork and spoon, and dig in. This is so unbelievably tasty, and easy, and relatively healthy for you, and freezes REALLY well (just ask my Mum and Dad).
Billy Joes
2 small onions
2 tablespoons chopped banana peppers
6 cloves garlic
4 tablespoons olive oil
2 teaspoons paprika
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon chili powder
1 teaspoon dry yellow mustard
2 1/2 pounds ground beef
1 cup ketchup
3 cups tomato puree
2 tablepoons cider vinegar
Sea salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
8 whole wheat hamburger buns
In a food processor, combine the onions, peppers and garlic. Pulse until very finely minced. You may need to scrape down the sides of the bowl several times. Set aside.
Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onion mixture and saute for about 4 minutes. Add the paprika, cumin, chili powder and mustard powder. Stir well and saute another couple minutes, or until the onions are very soft.
Add the beef and saute, breaking up the clumps with a spoon, until the meat is just browned, about 5 minutes. Meanwhile, in a medium bowl, whisk together the ketchup, tomato puree and vinegar. Add this to the meat, bring to a simmer, then lower heat to medium and cook, uncovered, 10 minutes, or until slightly thickened. Season with salt and pepper. Arrange sloppily over buns, grab a fork and spoon, and dig in. This is so unbelievably tasty, and easy, and relatively healthy for you, and freezes REALLY well (just ask my Mum and Dad).
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Randy Pauscher
I saw part of a videotaped interview with him, a professor at a small college. He's got three beautiful young children, a beautiful young wife, and pancreatic cancer. They tell him he has just a few months to live. Yet there he stands on the stage, then jumps down and does push-ups to show the audience that he's as healthy as they are, then talks about what it's like to be dying, to know he's only got a few months to live. He stays pretty upbeat until he says that he'd like to be around to see how his kids turn out. Then he gets quiet and his eyes tear up. I was crying FOR him, when he wasn't even crying. I think that would be the toughest part - leaving my kids. Yes, I know we never really LEAVE, just transform, and I know that we're always together with everyone, especially those we love, but I wouldn't be able to BE BE with them, you know?
I would miss the physical things, the really small things, like putting on my favorite pair of jeans, or drinking some really good water, or seeing the beautiful gold trees with the dusk sun shining on them. I have slowed down my life lately, am taking the time to really BE here fully, to take care of what is important to me, to spend the time doing what makes my life meaningful to me, and it feels really good. It feels DEEP, and believe me, I haven't always lived a DEEP life - it's been wide and shallow, sweeping as broadly as possible so I don't miss anything, but I have missed big chunks of my life - I can't even remember some times, like when Bill was a toddler - a blur.
So now I remember cuddling him at night, reading Harry Potter. I remember cuddling up to Steve's warm back, wrapping my arm tightly around him. I remember hearing Mom's voice when I call her every day - I stop whatever I'm doing and focus on her voice, listen to her closely, slowly. I remember hugging Erik and feeling his broad shoulders, looking squarely into his eyes to see those eyes that look so eerily like my own. I remember watching "Sex and the City" with Kari, even when I'm tired, especially when I'm tired. I remember burying my face into my cat's furry stomach and hearing his loud purring - I think that is pretty close to heaven. I remember all of these things, and I've heard the phrase "God is in the details," but I have amended it to be "life is in the little things," because the big things in life are few and far between, but it's what happens in the rest of your hours that shapes the whole of your life. It's the routine things that you remember, the first batch of split pea soup in the fall, having the neighborhood kids over for the annual Christmas party, strapping on your iPod and walking, always walking, just because you love to feel the air going in and out of your lungs. Just because you can. Because you're alive.
I would miss the physical things, the really small things, like putting on my favorite pair of jeans, or drinking some really good water, or seeing the beautiful gold trees with the dusk sun shining on them. I have slowed down my life lately, am taking the time to really BE here fully, to take care of what is important to me, to spend the time doing what makes my life meaningful to me, and it feels really good. It feels DEEP, and believe me, I haven't always lived a DEEP life - it's been wide and shallow, sweeping as broadly as possible so I don't miss anything, but I have missed big chunks of my life - I can't even remember some times, like when Bill was a toddler - a blur.
So now I remember cuddling him at night, reading Harry Potter. I remember cuddling up to Steve's warm back, wrapping my arm tightly around him. I remember hearing Mom's voice when I call her every day - I stop whatever I'm doing and focus on her voice, listen to her closely, slowly. I remember hugging Erik and feeling his broad shoulders, looking squarely into his eyes to see those eyes that look so eerily like my own. I remember watching "Sex and the City" with Kari, even when I'm tired, especially when I'm tired. I remember burying my face into my cat's furry stomach and hearing his loud purring - I think that is pretty close to heaven. I remember all of these things, and I've heard the phrase "God is in the details," but I have amended it to be "life is in the little things," because the big things in life are few and far between, but it's what happens in the rest of your hours that shapes the whole of your life. It's the routine things that you remember, the first batch of split pea soup in the fall, having the neighborhood kids over for the annual Christmas party, strapping on your iPod and walking, always walking, just because you love to feel the air going in and out of your lungs. Just because you can. Because you're alive.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
cold
I just love this week, the last few days before the next big energy shove into the higher vibrations. It hit me yesterday at exactly 11AM. I had just finished my final project for my nutrition course, and I was instantly bored, restless, fidgety. Nothing helped, so I paced, visited Erik at Best Buy, got some pictures of Grandma E. enlarged, wrote in my journal. I feel like a car in "park" but with my foot on the gas, revving, with nowhere to go. I arranged my work so I could free up big chunks to write, see friends, read, but something was different yesterday, that big chunk of time was not necessarily a helpful thing, and I recognize that feeling. It's the beginning of the race, at the starting line, jumping up and down, the horse right before the race, knowing something big is coming, and wanting it just to get started, already, the moments before the national basketball finals, when you'd rather be anywhere but just here, at the beginning, waiting for it to start. That's how I feel.
Along with that comes these incredible "cold" symptoms that a lot of people have and no one can shake. The sniffy nose/sneezing/tightness in your chest/runny eyes/clearing your throat kind of stuff. I never get sick. Let me say that again - I just never get sick, yet here I sit, sniffing. I've been sniffing for the past month. Bill, who also never gets sick, has been sniffing and sneezing for over 3 months. Steve teases me because whenever something happens in my body, because the first thing I say is, "It's the energy." But I think it's true. For everything we've been feeling these past 5 years, but more the past year and a half, has there ever been anything majorly wrong with us? Nope. Sure, maybe some small stuff here and there, but not enough to warrant our huge array of "symptoms," so I remember that when I feel a funny pulling on my chest, like something's being pulled OUT of it, or when I get that crawling feeling on my scalp, or my temple's get tight. I can be heard muttering "energy energy" under my breath as I walk around the house, my New Age mantra.
We need networking, we need to talk to others about what we're feeling, what we're scared of, of what's going on. There's no map for this territory we're in, nobody's gone before, no textbooks or workshops or experts this time around. It's up to us. Walking home from the clinic this morning, where I had blood drawn for my annual physical, I had this thought that we need to be BOLD when it comes to our health and our bodies. We also need to be BRAVE, because we're up against some mighty big forces that work against us sometimes. "Take a pill, take a shot, have an operation, insurance will pay for it." I calculated how much I'm costing the insurance company these days, and it's not a heck of a lot, considering we pay in almost $500 a month ($6000 a year for all 6 of us). It pays for my visits to the chiropractor, and for these tests I take each year to stay healthy, so that's around $700 a year, I think. No pills, no ER, no walk-in, no operations. Maybe I should talk to them about paying for my new walking shoes, or my visits to the naturopath, or for my organic food I buy that's keeping me so healthy, and saving them thousands of dollars?
Bill came home with pinkeye, and I almost went to the walk-in clinic. On a fluke, I typed in "natural cure for pinkeye" and googled it. Colloidal silver has been used forever, and it just takes a few drops to have it clear up in a few hours, so I'm off to Swanson's after my visit to Trish, my naturopath, to pick some up. Another dollar saved the insurance company. You're welcome, Blue Cross. I think it's changing, albeit slowly, but I have hope, I have faith - in myself, in others, in the System, in the process. And besides, the leaves are still bright gold along 13th Avenue and 30 Street, so life really IS good.
Along with that comes these incredible "cold" symptoms that a lot of people have and no one can shake. The sniffy nose/sneezing/tightness in your chest/runny eyes/clearing your throat kind of stuff. I never get sick. Let me say that again - I just never get sick, yet here I sit, sniffing. I've been sniffing for the past month. Bill, who also never gets sick, has been sniffing and sneezing for over 3 months. Steve teases me because whenever something happens in my body, because the first thing I say is, "It's the energy." But I think it's true. For everything we've been feeling these past 5 years, but more the past year and a half, has there ever been anything majorly wrong with us? Nope. Sure, maybe some small stuff here and there, but not enough to warrant our huge array of "symptoms," so I remember that when I feel a funny pulling on my chest, like something's being pulled OUT of it, or when I get that crawling feeling on my scalp, or my temple's get tight. I can be heard muttering "energy energy" under my breath as I walk around the house, my New Age mantra.
We need networking, we need to talk to others about what we're feeling, what we're scared of, of what's going on. There's no map for this territory we're in, nobody's gone before, no textbooks or workshops or experts this time around. It's up to us. Walking home from the clinic this morning, where I had blood drawn for my annual physical, I had this thought that we need to be BOLD when it comes to our health and our bodies. We also need to be BRAVE, because we're up against some mighty big forces that work against us sometimes. "Take a pill, take a shot, have an operation, insurance will pay for it." I calculated how much I'm costing the insurance company these days, and it's not a heck of a lot, considering we pay in almost $500 a month ($6000 a year for all 6 of us). It pays for my visits to the chiropractor, and for these tests I take each year to stay healthy, so that's around $700 a year, I think. No pills, no ER, no walk-in, no operations. Maybe I should talk to them about paying for my new walking shoes, or my visits to the naturopath, or for my organic food I buy that's keeping me so healthy, and saving them thousands of dollars?
Bill came home with pinkeye, and I almost went to the walk-in clinic. On a fluke, I typed in "natural cure for pinkeye" and googled it. Colloidal silver has been used forever, and it just takes a few drops to have it clear up in a few hours, so I'm off to Swanson's after my visit to Trish, my naturopath, to pick some up. Another dollar saved the insurance company. You're welcome, Blue Cross. I think it's changing, albeit slowly, but I have hope, I have faith - in myself, in others, in the System, in the process. And besides, the leaves are still bright gold along 13th Avenue and 30 Street, so life really IS good.
Monday, October 1, 2007
lover
We met last week for lunch, holding hands and laughing softly. I love him so much - he's my best friend, and we don't get too much time together. I saw a friend - she came over, and I introduced HER to HIM, but not the other way around. Standing at the register, she came back over and said to him, "YOU know who I am, but who are you?" I gestured my hand toward him and said, "He's my ..."
He interrupted and said loudly, "I'm her lover."
Andrea behind the counter guffawed loudly and walked away, a huge smile on her face.
My friend looked confused. "Are you serious?" she asked us.
If you know Steve and I together, you'll know that we're sort of like a comedy routine, the two of us, back and forth, not missing a beat. It's hysterical, at least to us, but you have to understand our VERY dry sense of humor, or you'll think we're serious. Seriously. Like my friend.
We set her straight, and she laughed while she walked out the door, shaking her head. I told Melissa the story (I tell Melissa everything), and she laughed. "Well, you DO have a lover. Steve." Right.
What IS it about communication? In my work, I HAVE to be absolutely impeccable with my Word, because I am looking into people's souls, and have to convey clarity with what I'm seeing. I need to be clear. Maybe that's why I joke so much in my "other" life - to counterbalance the absolute seriousness of my work (well, we laugh a lot in my work, too, but it's different, more focused). I also love to joke because life can be very difficult and hard and sad. Again the point/counterpoint - the yin/yan of it all. The balance. And Lord knows I love my balance - it keeps me on my feet and not curled up in bed. It keeps me walking every morning when I'd rather be watching "Scrubs," my hands curled around my hot mug of Peace Coffee decaf. It keeps me smiling and laughing THROUGH it all, not because of, or in spite of, WITH.
It ALL walks hand in hand down my path - my mom's dying, I love my husband, I wish I lived in Bismarck to be closer to my parents, I love my red fireplace. No difference - all different colors, textures, and brushstrokes on my canvas. No single color here for me - no, it's a riot of rainbow colors and wild movements, on a calm sky blue bed, rolling rolling.
He interrupted and said loudly, "I'm her lover."
Andrea behind the counter guffawed loudly and walked away, a huge smile on her face.
My friend looked confused. "Are you serious?" she asked us.
If you know Steve and I together, you'll know that we're sort of like a comedy routine, the two of us, back and forth, not missing a beat. It's hysterical, at least to us, but you have to understand our VERY dry sense of humor, or you'll think we're serious. Seriously. Like my friend.
We set her straight, and she laughed while she walked out the door, shaking her head. I told Melissa the story (I tell Melissa everything), and she laughed. "Well, you DO have a lover. Steve." Right.
What IS it about communication? In my work, I HAVE to be absolutely impeccable with my Word, because I am looking into people's souls, and have to convey clarity with what I'm seeing. I need to be clear. Maybe that's why I joke so much in my "other" life - to counterbalance the absolute seriousness of my work (well, we laugh a lot in my work, too, but it's different, more focused). I also love to joke because life can be very difficult and hard and sad. Again the point/counterpoint - the yin/yan of it all. The balance. And Lord knows I love my balance - it keeps me on my feet and not curled up in bed. It keeps me walking every morning when I'd rather be watching "Scrubs," my hands curled around my hot mug of Peace Coffee decaf. It keeps me smiling and laughing THROUGH it all, not because of, or in spite of, WITH.
It ALL walks hand in hand down my path - my mom's dying, I love my husband, I wish I lived in Bismarck to be closer to my parents, I love my red fireplace. No difference - all different colors, textures, and brushstrokes on my canvas. No single color here for me - no, it's a riot of rainbow colors and wild movements, on a calm sky blue bed, rolling rolling.
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