night school and waking up

I was taking a class last night while dreaming. I notice when I sleep soundly (no waking up 100 times a night, which I've been doing lately), I only need 8 hours of sleep. Otherwise, I can sleep for 10 and still feel groggy. So, this last intense energy shift seems to have lifted as of this morning. A woman with dark hair led the class, and had made a stone labryinth-type thing she was showing us how to access for our health. While I don't remember the details on a conscious level, I'm sure it was some kind of training that will stay with me for the future.

I've also been noticing my thoughts lately, and tuning in to how my body feels when my mind is thinking different thoughts. When I feel resentful, my body feels dark and tight. When I feel gratitude, I feel sunny and wide open. When I feel anger, I feel "red." When I feel love, I feel "golden." It's an interesting exercise, and one you might want to try. There's no judgment, just observation, and that seems to be my greatest teacher. There's someone I know (a friend, even) that I'm feeling some resentment toward because I've helped them immensely in their work, and they have not even said thank you (well, they probably HAVE said thank you, but it doesn't feel like it), nor helped me in any way (but I don't know that for sure - maybe they HAVE and I just don't know). I even get the feeling that they have tried to undermine my work in different ways. Now, I'm not thinking this is about that person - I'm convinced it's all inside of me, so I'm even beginning to enjoy the exercise that goes with waking up to myself. When I feel any anger toward this person, I ask myself, "Have I ever acted the way I think they're acting?" Yes. "What facts do I have to make me feel this way?" Usually scant facts - mostly just feelings. "Is there something I can do for myself to feel better about myself?" Yes - call Melissa, my soul sister, or Mags, one of my truest friends, or journal, or go for a walk, or cook something. Taking responsibility for my own feelings is the key to lovingly and gently moving through all of this lower energy muck (anger, resentment, fear), and this person really IS a friend - not close, but still a good person. We're ALL good people - so what part of MY vision is cloudy or fractured and how can I heal my vision? That's what I'm thinking about today, a drizzly cloud day.

Erik, Bill and I leave for Minneapolis to spend time with Kari, and see the holistic dentist and good dermatologist. We're going to the Picasso exhibit and the Pompei exhibit - I can hardly wait. I haven't seen Kari since the end of August. I was holding Bill the other night, happy just to be with him, and he looked up at me and said, "Is it hard to let your kids go?"

"Yes," I told him, "Yes, it is - because I love you guys so much, but it's important for you to fly when it's time."

"But at least we've still got 10 more years," he said, relieved.

"Yes, yes, we do," I answered, just as relieved.

I miss my daughter Kari, I do. It's a visceral feeling right square in the center of my stomach, originating in my heart. But when you love someone, you're always connected, no matter where you are. That I know for sure. Here's to family, here's to love, here's to continued self-awareness and gentleness. Here's to eternal gratitude for being incarnate, and for all of our endless blessings. There's so much to be thankful for, and I want to keep remembering that.