intricacies of family

My niece is getting married today... over in Hawaii... it was supposed to be a secret... but the rest of us found out. The rest of my family is upset - why wouldn't our sister tell us? Why the big secret? Why why why? I told my mom very calmly, "I don't care." She couldn't understand me - everyone ELSE was upset - why not me? I told her "because if they don't want us in their lives, that's their decision. It's no reflection on any of us, because we're all fabulous people."

I feel sorry for my sister and her family, and I know that's not quite the emotion I should probably have, but at least it's not pity - well, on second thought, I DO feel pity, also. And if I'm totally honest, I don't totally NOT care, because I'm writing about it here. So what DO I feel? I feel very badly for Mom and Dad - they keep feeling like my sister has rejected them, and doesn't care or love them. I can understand how they can feel that way, but I can't make up for her lack of attention and affection. I can only love and adore my parents as much as I am able, and I do that. When I tune in to my sister and her family, I see pain, and a feeling of being misunderstood, and I feel compassion for them. They might not feel accepted by us, and here we sit making assumptions about THEM. So I call her on her birthday, send her packages and letters and gifts throughout the year, send her love and best wishes. I hope my niece has a beautiful life, no matter where she is (I have no idea where she's living, or what she's doing - I haven't seen her in a few years). I hope my other niece and nephew are doing well, as well. I love my family. We're crazy sometimes. Let's be honest - aren't ALL families somewhat crazy? They don't make movies about this sort of stuff just for fun.

So what can we DO with this family stuff when it happens, and we just can't get away from it? With friends or neighbors or acquaintances we can say, "Well, forget THIS - I'm out of here," but with family, well, they're family forever. What I choose to do is look at the whole picture. Families are in a big soup pot, and we're going to bump up against that rutabaga sometime in our lives, so I will make it my mission to love, accept and embrace that rutabaga - I will see all of its good qualities, and accept it just for being itself. My sister is my sister - we share the same DNA, the same family history (somewhat - there's quite an age difference), we look alike (sort of). So I love her. But she is different. She's made different choices in her life - where she attends church, who she married, how she raised her kids, how she continues to "raise" her adult kids, where she lives, how she spends her money, how she treats others. That's the same for everyone in the world - we're all different. So I choose who to have in my life - I choose my inner circle (family members aren't necessarily in that intimate inner circle), my middle circle and my outer circle. My sister is admittedly relegated to my outer circle, but that's okay. I don't feel guilty, and I don't feel anger. But I admit I DO feel sadness as I remember my childhood and how their nickname for me was "sweet sister Sus," or SSS. I feel sadness as I remember going out with a camera full of black and white film, shooting trees down at Sibley Park, I feel sadness as I remember hanging out with her while she was pregnant with her oldest, eating salty, crispy fries at Scotty's Drive-In. I feel sadness as I remember babysitting for her eldest with the white, curly hair - I loved that child so much. So much time together, and now... nothing. But that's okay - life is life, and things change - you can't hold on to everything. So I wish my niece well, I wish my sister well, and my brother-in-law - may you all be free from pain, may you find peace in your lives and be happy. I love you all.