outraged, incensed, furious

For any of you that may be under the mistaken notion that I don't get mad, or get riled up about things, check out the latest recommendation on flu vaccinations. Now they are recommending them for children ages 6 months through 18 years old. Even though this past season's shots were almost 100% ineffective against the strains. People get sick FROM the shots, most of them contain mercury, and sure as h*** nobody is going to tell ME what I have to do in regards to my son's health. I was so riled up this morning when I read the report that I started pacing around the house. Steve was upset, too, but was more amazed at my vehement response to the recommendation.

So I sit quietly and see what this means for me, because it's only when we have a strong reaction to something that there's something juicy in there for us. So I sit - what kind of people push their beliefs and opinions on everyone else, scaring them, threatening them, lying to them? Narrow-minded people, weak people (the panel is probably getting pushed from the pharmaceutical companies to produce more drugs to sell). Am I ever narrow-minded and weak? Heck yeah - I'm being narrow-minded right NOW against those people that came out with the recommendations. Weak - that goes without saying, and I'm not ashamed of that. What else? I used to be one of those weak, sheep-like people that just blindly listened (and believed) what doctors and the drug people were telling me. "If you have high blood pressure, take this pill. If you have high cholesterol, take this pill. If you have diabetes, take this pill. If you have insomnia, take this pill." If you have liver problems, it's probably BECAUSE you took those pills.

WAKE UP, I want to scream to everyone - eat healthy, get exercise, de-stress (okay, so I'm stressing about this, which isn't so good), drink lots of water, be happy, do what you want to do, hug a puppy, be moderate, take vitamins. Try everything ELSE other than pills, because once you start that slippery slope, you end up taking 200 pills a week, and sick sick sick.

Flu shots? Prove to me that they work. Prove to me that they don't contain mercury. Prove to me that injecting me with the very poison we're trying to prevent is a smart idea. Where's the proof? The very people they're targeting (children and elderly) are the very ones that are the MOST susceptible to the side effects of the flu (okay, I'm probably not quoting that correctly, but I know that people get very sick from the flu shots - my parents included). I have only gotten it one year, about 7 years ago, and it didn't help one bit. Besides, none of us have gotten sick in over 3 years - why get scared? If you've got a good immune system, you're good to go. But what about those who work with lots of people, or daycares? I don't know what to tell you about those situations, but my instincts still tell me that if you're healthy, you don't get sick.

What do you think? Please let me know - comment here, and let's start a discussion going. Okay, I'm a little calmer now, and about to head out to Bismarck, driving crosswise to the snowfall, but at least Steve's tandeming with me so I won't feel so all alone. Or narrow-minded or weak. Anyway, it's interesting to feel those strong emotions and trace them to Source to see what they're about. It appears I'll have to do a little more work, because it still riles me. It's just not fair (is life supposed to be fair? I certainly keep praying it will be).

Day Three - easy walk 30 minutes

I haven't figured out which one is slower - the easy walk or the stroll. Any thoughts? It doesn't really matter, as I strapped on the ol' iPod and hit the Y again. The track is much smaller than at Concordia, but I can go there right after I drop Bill off at school, so I can get a jump on my day. I slept in until 5AM (what in the world is going on?), so am a tad tired right now, at 3:33PM. But the good news is that I've logged in 7968 steps so far - not too shabby, as my dad would say. I walked to three rounds of "Talk Dirty to Me," and even sang the words, until the two guys at the weight machines looked at me just a little too intensely ("lock the cellar door, and baby - talk dirty to me" - ah, does it get any better than that? I think not...)

I put the German Short Ribs in the crockpot, then mixed up the triple batch of meatballs and tomato sauce. The double batch of piquant meatloaf is ready to go, but I don't have any sage, or disposable foil containers to put it all in, so I've got to wait until Steve gets home from coffee with the boys. That's okay. I'm wondering if I'm on stress overload, hence the insomnia, or whether it's just an energy thing - probably a little of both. The sun is shining beautifully, and I'm feeling fit as a fiddle (however fit fiddles may be). I leave for Bismarck tomorrow to be with Mom and Dad (hence the mega-cooking), but I'll actually crockpot some Boston Brown Bread when I'm there because Mom said she used to eat it as a child. I think anything I can do to make them happy is well worth it. I already made and froze Grandma Ekberg's gingersnap cookies, and Granny Meyer's oatmeal cookies, so I think it's mega-cooler time, don't you?

How am I feeling today? Crabby. I can't get my lists to work on AOL, and I find myself swearing, using words I don't normally use (well, sometimes I do, but not with much frequency). It's just that when I'm doing things to help everyone else, I'd like to see my time as worthwhile, not thrown out the window in the form of deleted lists - that's just too much. I haven't touched my nutrition textbooks in weeks, much less start on an incredible idea for a young adult book series. Let me just say this much: it involves a little boy finding a golden orb in a field, and when he holds it in his hand, he's transported to this other place that looks much like his current world, but a more "real" place. His "friend" he meets tells him that Earth's in dire danger, and needs help. Fiction? I think not. But that's for another day - first we take care of parents and husbands and children. And we breathe. We remember to breathe.

Day Two - Stroll 30 minutes

Right - NOT. I strapped on my iPod and headed to the YMCA track - 13 laps equal one mile. I didn't wear my pedometer but walked for 45 minutes, or through all 14 of my songs on my playlist. "Venus" is first, then "I'm Too Sexy," and my opinion is that if you can't walk to THOSE songs, well, you maybe just shouldn't be walking. It felt good - my tight chest loosened up. I'm tired of having it freeze up right before I head out to Bismarck. I'm not even very interested in WHY it happens, just interested in NOT having it happen. I'm probably still remembering the trauma of last summer with Mom and almost losing her, but I won't let my fears rule my life - I just won't. So I step out boldly, in SPITE of my fears.

I woke up at 4AM last night, in a panic. Then some creepy thoughts starting, well, creeping in. Awful images and icky scenarios. "Isn't that interesting?" I told myself, "That I'm having these thoughts? They don't even feel like thoughts I'D be thinking. I don't think I'll think those anymore," and eventually got up, typed my High Plains Reader column for the week (which you can now see at www.hpr1.com), watched the end of "To Kill a Mockingbird" (I have a crush big-time on Gregory Peck circa 1960 or so...), unloaded the dishwasher, made Bill's lunch, then kept reading "Three Cups of Tea." Greg Mortenson is going to be at Concordia College a week from Friday for their Peace Forum, so I'm buying tickets for all of us to go hear him. I hope I get to meet him - I'm going to ask if he'd like some of my children's books to ship to any of his schools overseas. Who knows? We can only offer.

It feels good to move my body, good to feel the air in and out of my lungs - I walked a whole song doing breath of fire - breathing in and out as fast as I could through my nose (try it, but keep some tissues nearby - that's a whole lot of snot going on - sorry - visual). Then just took a lap of deep breaths. I know some people think it's boring to go 52 times around a track, but for me it's almost a meditation in and of itself. So I'll go again tomorrow, because I can go early, and hopefully I can sleep tonight - I'm admittedly a touch crabby, but will manage to stay awake long enough to get through "The Biggest Loser" tonight.

Day One - Rest

Okay, well, THAT'S not gonna happen on my watch, but that's what my training schedule says for Day One of training for the half-marathon. I'll have to figure out how to move the days over one or something. So my body was humming this morning, ready to move, so I strapped on my iPod and headed over to Concordia for my morning walk around the track, only there were no cars in the parking lot, and no one in the hallway, and the doors were closed. Sigh. I wanted to move, so I turned around and headed toward the auditorium. Maybe I could walk those hallways. I walked closer and heard music. I walked up the stairs, and saw them - The Concordia Women's Basketball team practicing. I got tears in my eyes - my girls, my team. I walked down the steps and watched them for a couple of minutes. A woman came over to me. "You're Susie Ekberg," she said excitedly. "Yup - and you're Jessica, the coach," I countered.

"We're heading for playoffs tomorrow, and I was just thinking I'd love to have some inspiration for my girls, and there you magically stand," she said.

Well, not so magic, I'm thinking, believing, as I do, that there ARE no coincidences. She asked me to go speak to the girls. I was nervous, but said sure.

When I walked out on the floor, Jessica introduced me, and I was surprised to see them all clapping and cheering - me? An old lady? Wow - that was sweet of them. I told them how important basketball has been in my life, and how the lessons far exceed just the basketball - the most important one perhaps is how to focus on what you REALLY want, and then just totally go for it, with your whole heart and mind and body. Then you are unstoppable. I also told them my biggest secret of basketball, and that is this: when you block a shot, you point your finger at your opponent and yell, "Nosliw." The girls looked confused. So I explained: "Nosliw" is "Wilson" imprinted backwards on their forehead after you block the ball in their face. They started laughing. I wished them luck for their playoff game, then walked away, a little bounce in my step.

I walked outside, back at home, getting in 7000 steps before I go work at the book fair at the school, but this morning? Ah, this morning made my whole week, and it's just begun. What magic - what inspiration - what energy I feel right now. The world is a very very good place, indeed. Not bad for a day of rest.

magic and my man

Here is my sweet man, on his way out to Rugby, the geographical center of North America, I think. Well, I know he's heading to Rugby. He's already traveled all around the state, and his voice is getting stronger. He's already working for North Dakota, dedicated to his work. It's amazing to watch him, or rather, to FEEL his energy. And we're only about halfway through it - what a ride. Who would've thunk I'd love politics so much? What I mean to say is that Steve has always loved politics, but for me, it's sort of like, "Can we REALLY make a difference?" and the resounding answer is YES yes and more yes. So we keep going.

Bill and I drove down the street to Sunday school, and every tree was frosted white. Set against the true blue sky, I couldn't breathe. I said, "If you're not from around here, you just can't appreciate this beauty. You'd never even see it." Bill said, "Yeah, if you aren't from the prairie..." the line from a book he's got, and it's true. While every region has its beauty, this is the land I love - the cold, the wind, the huge skies that stretch forever, the frosted trees and tan grasses in the ditches, the long straight roads that are mainly deserted, the dilapidated barns, the cows. I keep thinking I'd like to leave someday, but I never do - this is my home. And it's magic. I wanted to take a picture of the trees, but we were running late. I doubted they would stay for the hour. Bill thought they would, but when we left the church, we saw thick flakes of white gently dropping off the trees and onto our windshield. Was the magic gone? A few trees clung stubbornly to their frosty beauty, but by the time we pulled up in front of the house, the trees had returned to their bare brown. So I apologize that I can't share the beauty with you, but I can tell you about it, and hope you got to see it, too.

off the track...

They drew me a picture of two parallel lines coming up from the bottom of the page. Then there was a little break, then the lines continued on the other side, but they were not going the same way - they were slightly to the left, and veering off to the left.

"When you make the leap," they told me, "you need to get on track again, but most people's problems is that they think they should be getting back on the SAME track as before, but that track is no longer there. They need to find a NEW track to travel, otherwise, they're moving off-track, and then they crash."

I told them that I had understood the need to leap over to the other side, but not that the tracks had changed, so I thanked them for the valuable information. They told me to pass the word on, so I am. Then I woke up.

Bill had an 8AM basketball game this morning, and it was hard to open my eyes much before 7:30. Even now, as I type, at 10:46, I feel my eyelids heavy, and I want to curl up again. What is it with these nights of deep sleeping, and deep dreaming? There is not much difference between waking and sleeping these days, for me, at least.

I am in an auditorium full to the ceiling with people. "They" are talking to them, have them all brainwashed. The woman next to me whispers, "They're going after the government next - it won't be long." She said she was a lone wolf before she came to the auditorium. I asked her how all of this sits with her, and she replied, "Well, it's inevitable."

But I didn't think it was inevitable, so I got up to leave. I was surprised that the doors were unlocked, but as I walked out into the night, I heard the distant barking of dogs, coming to get me. "God," I whispered, "I am not going to be like that - please protect me so I can continue to be free-thinking and independent." Then I became invisible and could fly, so I escaped from "them." I ended up being housed by a family of the New, they called themselves (as opposed to the Old) - I could tell it was going to be a dangerous existence, but I also knew that I would never go back to the Old. Never. Then I woke up.

What dreams may come? When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, must give us pause. So I'm pausing today to remember and honor my dreams. And probably to nap.

There's a Buddha in our house

He sits quietly on the red chair, his giant paws folded neatly in front of him. His breath comes in deep purrs that fill his body and the room. I look over at him and he closes his eyes gently and slowly at me and opens them again, acknowledging my adoration. "Buddha" means the awakened one, and that is him. In a world of waking beings, he is already there, fully awake, waiting patiently for us with open paws. He is Jack, and he is our little (or not so little) Buddha Being.

unbelievably beautiful...

"Live. Take risks. That is really what life is about. We must pursue our own happiness. Nobody has ever lived our lives; there are no guidelines. Trust your instincts. accept nothing but the best. But then also look for it carefully. Don't allow it to slip between your fingers. Sometimes, good things come to us in such a quiet fashion. And nothing comes complete. It is what we make of whatever we encounter that determines the outcome. What we choose to see, what we choose to save. And what we choose to remember. Never forget that all the love in your life is there, inside you, always. It can never be taken from you." - Linda Olsson, from "Astrid and Veronika"

It was a full day, or strategerizing (how do you even spell that made-up word? Who knows? Make it up) with K. for Steve's campaign - he's really going to do this thing, I can just FEEL it. And life is flowing, no worries, no fears - all beauty and fullness of being. Isn't that a book? If not, it should be, and maybe I should write it. I have assembled 150 friends from all over the state to be in our "club" (if you want to be in the club, just let me know), and that feels REALLY great - it feels cozy, and loving, and energizing. I love being Steve's campaign manager, not only because I love Steve and believe in what he's going to do for North Dakota, but because I get to organize, and create, and DO. When you believe in something, everything is easier, and clearer, and life is more fun.

So I'm reading, and cooking, and seeing clients, and writing (not enough, but next week...), and enjoying my life, exactly as it is. What a miracle this whole thing is. If you would've asked me even 6 months ago if I would be feeling this today, I would have laughed - of course not - I'm kind of neurotic and obsessive and a worrier, and I can't just let things GO, but that's not who I am today. Well, it's still a PART of me, I'm sure, but it's not the main part anymore. And I like being here - I feel stronger and clearer, and I think I need to feel that way to handle all that's coming up for me. I think that's true for everyone, as change looms huge and unavoidable on the horizon, even if it means we all will be recycling or growing our own vegetables or supporting local businesses or driving hybrids. Forward movement is good, and that forward movement leads us ultimately within. That's where I'm staying, anyway. Firmly within my core, within my own life, within my Being. And what a lovely view...

today I am thinking about...

Indian chicken with lemon slices and fried onions, from www.gardenersgastronomy.blogspot.com, who said it was basically from a Madhur Jaffrey cookbook that the cook has (I want to give credit where credit is due - I'd hate to be accused of plagiarizing). I made it last night for Billy and I, seeing as how Steve was in Beulah eloquently speaking to a group of 70 delegates. I served it with lentils, brown rice, and steamed spinach. It maybe shouldn't have made me as happy as it did, but I can't stop thinking about it. How much fun it was to make it (it only took an hour), how good it smelled, and how good it tasted in my mouth. I don't know if it's me, or if it WAS just the food, but it was a, well, heavenly experience. I want to share it with you, my dear friends:

Indian Chicken with lemon slices and fried onions

Serves 4-6

6-8 chicken pieces
3 medium-size onions
1 inch cube of ginger, peeled and sliced
4 cloves garlic, chopped (or more if you love it like I do)
8 T. olive oil
1 T. ground coriander
1 t. ground cumin
1/2 t. turmeric (good for your memory)
1 T tomato paste
1/2 t. salt (or none if you like)
1/4 t. cinnamon
1/4 t. ground cloves (ahhhhh....)
1/2 t. cayenne pepper
1 whole lemon
freshly ground pepper
2 T yogurt

Peel the onions. Chop two of them into fourths and put them into a food processor. Cut the third one in half lengthwise, then slice it into thin half-rounds and set aside.

Add 6 T. of water, the ginger and the garlic to the onions in the food processor and blend at high speed until you have a smooth paste.

Heat 6 T. of the oil in a pot on medium high. When hot, put in the onions and fry them until they are darkish brown and crisp (not burned). Remove and put in a bowl.

Remove skin from all chicken pieces. Divide legs into drumstick and thigh (if not separated already), and quarter the breasts (if you wish). In the same oil, brown the chicken pieces on all sides until golden brown. Remove them to a bowl.

Add the remaining 2 T. of oil to the pot. Pour in the past from the blender (keep your face averted). Stirring, fry on medium high heat until paste turns a nice golden brown. Put in the coriander, cumin, and turmeric and fry a little more. Add yogurt, a teaspoon at a time, then the tomato paste, stirring all the wile. Finally, add salt, cinnamon, cloves, cayenne pepper, and a pint of water (2 cups). Bring to a boil, cover, lower heat, and simmer gently for 10 minutes.

Cut the lemon into 4 or 5 slices, discarding the end pieces, and remove the seeds. Add lemon slices (it's pretty strong lemony if you add ALL of the slices, so if you're not totally keen on lemon, you might want to add less than the whole), along with the chicken pieces, fried onions, and freshly ground pepper to the sauce; stir, and bring to a boil.

Cover, lower heat, and simmer gently for 20 to 25 minutes or until chicken is tender, turning them every now and then. If the chicken sticks to the bottom of the pot (mine didn't), add a little more water. You will get a very thick sauce.

I served this alongside the brown rice, lentils and steamed spinach, pouring some sauce over the rice. It's incredible - just smelling it will make you happy. I promise.

finding my voice

I'm feeling inspired today by so many things. One of the things I've been keenly aware of lately is the FEELING I get when someone touches my soul, when they inspire me (breathe Spirit into me). Last Saturday's concert at the Fargo Theatre did that to me. We got to sit in the front row and watch these amazing women sing their souls out. I took deep breaths, closed my eyes, and just soaked it all up. Art does that to me. I'm thinking of my beautiful office with Karman's paintings, and Paul Allen's, and Patty Kirk's, and Tara's, and more. It fills me up to look at them, especially Paul's, who's is directly in front of me when I sit in my chair. I don't necessarily "look" at it, but just sit with it and let it work its magic.

That's how I feel when I'm with my friends, too. Maggie, Melissa, oh, you know them all, and they are all lovely. I'm so blessed, like I'm overflowing with good fortune to have you all in my life - how do I get so lucky? When I think of them, or talk to them, or laugh with them, I feel like I'm buoyed up, like I'm floating even higher in my life. The sun is brighter, the air is purer, my head is clearer.

Bill's home from school today, so I'm catching up with Steve's campaign stuff (see the link to "vote" for him online), and just relaxing. I'm not feeling so tired today. Mom's scheduled to go home today (I know, it was supposed to be yesterday, but...). She'd lost 15 pounds of fluid - too much - so they had to hook her up to an IV to replace some of it. Ironic, don't you think? I'm going to be cooking for them all week, then freezing everything and sending it up so Dad will have good, healthy, no-salt food for the next few weeks. I love to cook, I love helping them. I think that's the main reason I'm here this time around - to help in any way I can. It may sound funny to say, but I'm crazy about people - I just love everyone. I love being with people (extreme extravert, I'm thinking), but that's been on my mind a lot, too. I don't know what it means, I'm just thinking about my love for people.

A friend and client told me something the other day that made my whole year. She said that she recommends everyone to me because I've been doing this for so long - I STAY, and I don't have any other agenda other than to help people. Sometimes I think I'm not PUSHING enough - I'm not sending out 10 e-mails to people every week, I'm not setting up a ton of classes or traveling all over the region - I'm not pushing myself for money or clients. But I'm doing it the best way that I know how to do it, and to hear her tell me those things makes me feel comforted - feedback isn't mandatory, but it sure is nice sometimes. Thank you, Karen, for your kind words to me last Friday - they meant the world to me. This world is an unbelievable place of growth and opportunities, and today I'm steeped in those kinds of feelings.

it's been one week...

well, actually one and a HALF weeks since I've had a good night's sleep. Let me clarify: for me, a good night's sleep is at least 10 hours, so in actuality, this averaging 8 hours doesn't sound too bad, but for me, it's sleep deprivation. I even have dark circles under my eyes, and I don't DO dark circles. Symbolism abounds right now. Last night was my first possible night of good sleep. Bill woke up barking at 2AM - croup. One long hot shower, and a few deep breaths out in the cold night air, sleeping until 7:30 when the barking started again. I only know I'm tired when I get crabby. Steve walked toward me, and I quickly said, "You'd better give me a WIDE berth right now." He smartly did. He later came back quietly with his arms out, and I was able to walk into them and hold him tightly. He left for Minot. I was too tired to walk this morning, so decided to run some of Steve's errands instead. I only had 40 minutes, so I drove, um, too fast, and got a speeding ticket. As I sat there waiting for the policeman to walk up to my car, I thought, "I wonder what the symbolism is here?" Um, slow down??? Could be... On one of my errands I ran into the woman I had to call today - that saved me a phone call. Synchronicity.

I had so much fun on Saturday night at the Celebration of Women and Their Arts. Deb gave Maggie and me backstage passes (so we could party like rock stars), and we got to talk with everyone before the show and at "half time" (intermission to theatre people). I saw Laurie and Barbara and Lora and Max and Linda and Gwen. But perhaps the oddest thing of all was Kristin Kitco. Her voice and songwriting skills are amazing (check out her "I'm Not Wal-Mart" song). After the show I was talking with her, and she said, "Are you the one with "Pink Stars and Angel Wings" and all that?" I answered yes. She said, "I was the voice of Kari on the taped version of the book." WHAT? That was in 1992. She's from Chicago. What ARE the odds? Too great to calculate, I'm thinking. Yet there she was, and there I was, 16 years later, in Fargo, North Dakota. So there you go - synchronicities.

Mom's getting out of the hospital today. She's lost a total of 11 pounds of fluid (yay), and her hemoglobin is back up into the 10's. I think she will be with us for a little while longer, and for that I'm always eternally grateful. In fact, even though I feel exhausted today, I'm totally happy. There are no worries - I feel like I'm on a raft, drifting down a river. The current is swift, but not so swift that I'm scared I'll overturn. Just swift enough to get me where I want to go. "Row row row your raft, gently down the stream. Merrily merrily merrily merrily - life is but a dream." But what a dream we're waking up from. It's far more beautiful than the dream that was my life before. Because it's REAL. And why haven't I been sleeping? I don't know, but I sure hope I can sleep tonight... stay tuned.

perspective

They put the bathrobe on Mom, put the pink and blue strap around her waist, position her walker, and she walks, hunched over, carefully shuffling her feet, slowly. She goes further every day. She blows into a machine to keep her lungs clear. She needs help getting her legs into bed. So I notice these things in my own body. I take deep conscious breaths, aware of the air filling and expanding my lungs easily and fully. I roll over onto my side in bed, then back again, then stretch languidly, like a cat. I notice my long, energetic steps, I bounce on my toes, I bend over and stretch. I am fully in my strong, healthy body, and I am aware of it, I notice it, I am grateful for my body. I don't take it for granted, because I look at my beautiful strong mother, and I remember her when I was growing up, and although this is her same body, it does not contain all of her anymore - it is tired, worn out, struggling to keep going, and I know it will not be long - it just can't do it anymore.

So the stark comparison sits on my chest today, and keeps drawing my attention to it - it will not be ignored. "I am here," it whispers. "Appreciate your life," it insists. And I listen, oh, do I listen, because I am living it with my mom - my strong, brave, beautiful, amazing mother who's struggling for every breath right now. The most amazing thing to me is that she keeps her sense of humor, suggesting that the blood doctor donate his kidney to her, because that's the only other alternative to the synthetic hormone they're injecting her with. His eyes got wide, I burst out laughing, then he got the joke, too. Maybe you're not supposed to joke about body organs, but I thought it was hip hop hilarious.

So I'm learning from her - it's not about learning how to die, it's about learning how to be in my body now, how to be fully present and aware and awake, and that is perhaps the most spiritual lesson of them all for me in this. That, and realizing how precious and tenuous life is. When I remember that, then I can be there for her - I can stroke her soft gray hair and run my fingers lightly over her forehead. I hear her murmur "mmmm" and I know it brings her comfort. That's the least I can do.

love

I baked a quadruple batch of heart-shaped Valentine's cookies, part for Bill's class, part for the banquet for Celebration of Women and Their Music. I didn't have time to frost them, and Steve (bless his heart) bought store frosting and frosted them, and put the pink sprinkles on. Bill said, "The kids won't like them - they only like her homemade frosting," and though that probably isn't true, I understand. I wanted to be with my husband and youngest son today. I wanted to cook our traditional chicken and rice dinner, with the cut out heart-shaped red bell peppers. I wanted to bake an organic chocolate cake in little heart shaped pans. I wanted to be with them. But this morning I saw my dad's red eyes, and got a stomach ache. What do you do when you are torn directly in two between two worlds? This world of my mom and dad, 190 miles west of my home, and this world of my home and husband and child? Routine and comfort vs. the hospital and insulin shots and low hemoglobin and "what do we do now?" I don't know. I just felt the two worlds in each of my hands, as if I had a scale, and I looked at them, no, I FELT them, and I knew what I had to do.

So I stay in Bismarck one more night. I will stay at the hospital because Mom's getting a strong iron injection and Dad's worried she might get a reaction. I know Mom's scared. Dad's tired. He slept 11 hours last night, and 4 this afternoon. I'm so glad I can be here for them. It feels sometimes like the whole world is crumbling around me. I see friends in crisis left and right, and yet I am so happy. I continue to feel happy and calm and blissful, and I can't tell you why. The night before I left I was cuddling Bill, and lying on my left side. I had the urge to turn to my right, and as I did, I saw that the time was 11:11, so I chose to walk through that gateway to a higher place of understanding. I said, "I walk through, and I will stay there," and although I have a headache and my body is stiff from sitting in the hospital so long, my insides are full, and everything is all right. I can just FEEL it.

They plan on letting her go home tomorrow, and my sister's flying up from Colorado to be with them until Wednesday. After that, I don't know - Steve's on the road for his campaigning, so it's a little tricky with Bill, but Melissa is a godsend, picking him up from school and hanging (thanks eternally, Missy Pooh). Life is very real right now, and I'm so glad I'm as prepared as I am for all that's unfolding. A few years ago I don't think I'd be feeling the same way that I do right now. And I'm grateful. Again, I'm eternally grateful.

mom

Dad called, and Mom's in the hospital with fluid around her heart. She's having trouble breathing and has chest pains. I'm leaving for Bismarck. Steve's traveling for his campaign, but we're gathering support to help with Bill. Thank you to everyone who's coming to bat right now. We are eternally grateful for your love and support. Steve held me tightly before he left tonight, but I told him it's all right. And I smiled. It really is all right.

movement

I had a hard time waking up this morning. Part of it was that we'd stayed up until after midnight all weekend to spend time with Kari and Brian, but this was a to-the-bone tired that it is usually an energetic thing. So I honored it by going to bed at 9, dragging out of bed at 7:30 - not a math major, but that's 10 1/2 hours of sleep, and I could crawl back again. What's shifting? Part of it is our imbedded ideas of how we think our lives should look. I know I have specific ideas about what should go on in my life, and with the people I'm with. I've probably backed them into a corner, and see them in certain ways. Kari is the _____ one, Erik is the _____ one, Steve is always ________, and on. So I'm rolling my shoulders (they are stiff as well) and thinking about how I see all of the people who are in my life. Have I narrowed my vision of who they are and who they could be? Am I giving them the benefit of the doubt? Am I encouraging them to grow and change? Heck, and I doing that for myself? I don't know the answers to any of these questions today, but it's a perfect morning to ponder all of this, before I strap on my sneakers and start my half-marathon training. I'm even keeping a training log (how cool is that? As cool as North Dakota weather).

Steve is traveling all week, speaking at the local conventions around the state. His speech is killer, and I can feel his energy - it will be great when he's PSC. North Dakota is getting a great guy, and I should know. I can't wait for this weekend, and the Celebration of Women and Their Music. Mags is spending the weekend, and we're going to the show on Saturday. Deb does such a great job - it's the 11th year - hard to believe that Kari and I went the second year, and she was just a little girl (um, math time again - 11 years old). Time is just so... fleeting. What a day what a week what a life.

through the fire and the flame

I'm listening to it right now. I should be in bed, it's 10:35PM, one hour past my bedtime, and I'm tired. But Kari and Brian are here, and they have to leave early tomorrow morning, about the same time Bill and I leave for Sunday School. I'm filled to the brim today - we went to the Kiwanis Pancake Feed, and watched them break the Guinness World Record for the most pancakes served (30,724). They served us four pancakes, two sausages, orange juice (or milk), and all the seconds (and thirds and fourths) we wanted. It was a party, for sure - tv cameras everywhere - MSU Dragons dressed up to volunteer, crooning behind Elizabeth playing live piano music. I ate two pancakes and three sausages, no juice. Then I made egg rolls and fried rice and sweet and sour sauce for dinner, and we quoted "Waiting for Guffman" all during dinner, laughing at our cleverness. I made a Take 2 Video run and rented it, and we watched it, crowded around my Apple because the monitor is so big. That movie only gets better with time - "CORKY." Ah - soothes my heart. I tucked Bill in bed and headed back to Kari's room, where we sit now. I don't want to go to bed. When I wake up tomorrow, she'll be gone.

These times are so precious. She's gone, you know, even though she's HERE right now - I realize she will never LIVE here again in the house - she's grown up, and it felt like a punch to my stomach the first time I realized it. I'm a little used to it, but it's still just so natural for her to be here - it feels like HOME when she's here... then she drives away in her little white Bravada, honking as she rounds the corner, and I stand in the door, watching until I can't see her anymore. But that's sort of what all of life is like - precious little diamonds of coming together, followed by stretches of different combinations - sometimes alone, sometimes with Bill, then Bill and Steve, then Steve alone, then Erik, then my friends, then I'm alone again. It's all right - it's perfect - it's the colors and textures of the tapestry - ever-changing and interesting. But sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could just hold it ALL in my arms and squeeze and keep everybody here with me always. Not possible, I know, improbable, impossible, but still, I think that sometimes, and if I close my eyes and concentrate hard enough, I can FEEL everyone here with me, and that's just perfect.

Do. Be. Do. Be. Do.

It is just that kind of day, when I need to type and write, so I will.

Dear Ones – what a place you find yourselves these days. First you are at the mountaintop, then you are cascading down on the waterfall, then you are swimming, fuzzy, under the water, then you are flying. Is it all so confusing? Or is it exciting? We suggest that it is probably all of the above, as this is the current “trend.” Changing things up – getting used to the possibilities. It is not just the case of “intending the future for your life,” for how in the world could you possibly KNOW all that is possible for your life? You might ask to be moved out of a box you live in, into a small house, when the Future held a beautiful mansion for you? Why in the world would you want to limit yourself? Better yet, we say, to go to your Center, and breathe from that place, opening yourself up to all that is Good in your life, and all that is to come. From that Center. THAT is where your future lies. Not in some book or workshop or presenter or class or theory. That may be all right for some people, but not for you! For you know the Secret – and nobody else knows your Secret, for everyone has their own Secret way to their dreams. What is my dream is certainly not your dream, nor would I have it be. How dull and boring would that be if everyone were President of the United States? Whom then would we all lead? Better to be President of YOUR united STATE.

Dreams are becoming reality, and “reality” is becoming but a dream. So then, what is real? What you decide is real for you. The shadow across your window is either a monster or a tree branch – YOU decide for you, then act accordingly. If you make it a monster, then you will act afraid. If you make it a tree branch, you will admire its stark beauty. IT IS UP TO YOU. Now is the time to bring your “dreams” into your “real” life, for we tell you that dreams are no longer those fantasies relegated to your unfulfilled reality – they are your heart’s longing for total expression and fulfillment. Take a moment to ask yourself what you are dreaming of – it can be anything. Now just SIT in the space of that dream – pull the dream into your consciousness. That’s it. You are only knitting together the seen and unseen, the heretofore impossible with the possible, the unconscious with the conscious. You are a knitter of dreams, taking the potential of the yarn and using your physical energies of the needles to create something of beauty – a unique work of art. Your Spirit is the Pattern, and we tell you, Master Knitter, that you are indeed a Master of Creation, for you are constantly creating your Life every moment, are you not? Look not to the specifics, because they have not been written, nor do they “matter” in this realm of creativity. Look to YOUR life, to YOUR unique energies to provide the map you need to move forward into your life. There is no one out there who can TELL you what you need to do – they may make helpful suggestions, they may walk hand in hand with you and be your support and inspiration, but this is YOUR life, your walk, your journey, your future. Bring it TO you by dwelling in your Home fully – that is all you need do at this time. And enjoy the ride. That will continue for some time as energies even out. That is almost assuredly a fact. How long will you continue to grow and change? How long will the sun continue to shine? How long will the Universe be? How eternal is your Soul? Be well, be strong, be true, be love, be you. Just be.

inspiration

Inspiration means to breathe spirit into, and I am totally immersed in inspiration this morning. I have been moved to tears so many times in these past few days it is not even funny (not that I'd think that WOULD be funny). What has inspired me? The first thing that has inspired me is a guitarist that goes under the name of the John Butler Trio. Here's the link to the song that has inspired me - it's called "Ocean." What moves me so much about John's playing is that I can feel pure Spirit coming from him, and it's the most beautiful thing when that happens - see if you can feel it, too. It's like being Home. And his face - oh, that beautiful face... My sweet son Erik found this for me - thanks, honey, for this - I love you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VAkOhXIsI0

Barack Obama has inspired me, several times over. For goodness sakes, it's not even about politics anymore for me - it's about saving this country, saving the planet, saving everyone. How can we save anything if we're divided and angry and violent? Thanks to Karsmy for sending the link to this next video that moves me to tears every single time I've watched it (and I've watched it SEVERAL times, along with making all of my children and husband watch it, as well). Again, it's the passion and love that emanates from Barack - he's honorable, he cares, he wants so desperately to make a difference, and he wants to unite us all. Again, I don't give a darn if you're Republican or Democrat - I'm not going to vote for the lesser of two evils if there's an amazing candidate out there. I'm going to vote with my heart. "We are one people. We are one nation." Here are the lyrics, followed by the link:

Lyrics:
It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHEO_fG3mm4

Another thing that has inspired me lately is the energy behind the elections. People are becoming interested again - there's PASSION and FIRE. It MATTERS. Even Erik is talking about. He used to think it was a big joke, I think, but I don't think he thinks that anymore. Kari got to stand 20 feet from Hillary when she came to Augsburg to speak - she was so moved. Hillary is a brilliant woman, I agree. And I'm inspired by John McCain having the passion to go for it, at age 71 - heck, WE get tired by 9:30PM, and we're WAY younger than 71. Mitt Romney inspires me with his diligence and persistence.

My sweet husband inspires me. He is running for Public Service Commissioner, and is traveling the state, making phone calls, sending e-mails, having me do work (hah). He is passionate about the office, and is passionate about wind energy, especially (me, too - you'll get two for the price of one on that one when he gets elected, you can bet on it). He's passionate about being a servant of the people. He has integrity. That is my word of the hour - integrity. It comes from the root word which means "whole," and that's what it means, I think. Being a whole person, and operating out of that wholeness, so that our words match our deeds and our thoughts. Our Spirit works WITH our Mind to create an integrated life and vision. My husband has integrity. That inspires me.

So that's it for today - I'm off to help the kids put on their ice skates for gym class, then off to walk at Concordia, then off to run errands. I've been using my early morning minutes to pray, and I love it. I pray for my whole family, one by one, holding them gently in my hands, wishing them the best for their lives. Then I pray for all of my friends, then neighbors, teachers, public officials. I keep expanding my list until I am holding the whole world gently in the palms of my hands. It is precious, and we are so tiny. But we are precious, too. And that is what I love. And that is what inspires me.

i'm right and you're wrong...

"Well, most folks seem to think they're right and you're wrong..."

"They're certainly entitled to think that, and they're entitled to full respect or their opinions," said Atticus, "but before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience."

That's from "To Kill a Mockingbird," a book I just finished. Surprising, given the fact that I'm an English major and never read it. But it came highly recommended by a respected source (thanks, Mary). That seems to be up a lot right now - opinions, and how to express them respectfully. I got an e-mail from a reader of my column, and she had some pretty strong things to challenge me on. We're currently in an ongoing dialogue about this whole process, and it's fascinating to me. She said that every column felt like it came from a place of love, but this one didn't. She felt that I was attacking her husband, so upon further thought, I suggested that maybe it was because she thought I was attacking her husband that she felt this current column wasn't coming from love. We are all definitely affected by our perspectives and personal issues. They are the lens through which we view the world. If we've been hurt by a dog, then we may see all dogs as vicious, even if they're wagging their tails.

I feel so fabulously great this morning - I walked 6000 steps over at the Arena, then bought my usual decaf skinny latte, and added my own sucanat to keep the chemical content down (it still has the decaf chemicals, but that's better than a racing heart and shaking hands). The sun is shining warmly (even though it's below zero), and again, I'm totally inexplicably happy AND energetic (which I am not always). I washed my book (yes, stuck it in the laundry basket and dumped the whole thing into the washer), so I won't be reading "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy anymore. Bummer - maybe the library has it. It's simply beautiful so far - I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't read - it's my passion. Along with cooking - my root vegetable soup awaits, so I go. Life is deeper, more real, and increasingly more fabulous each day, no matter what actually HAPPENS - it simply is the best thing going for me right now - my life.

a new vision

I don't know how to explain it, but I'm feeling so alive these days. I'm curious about it, so I'm examining it a little. Here's what I think: Jean Eilerman and Christeen McLain were my first mentors, back in the late 1980's. They were the main spiritual leaders here in the area (in my opinion), then Jean moved to California, and Christeen became a little more quiet in her work, then eventually moved to Arizona. Christeen told me she got tired (now I understand what she was talking about). I was passionate about spreading the spiritual word and being a beacon, so I continued with the work of bringing alternatives to the area, since well, the late 80's. I trained over 250 Reiki students, helped 25 people become Reiki Masters, taught countless classes, workshops, gave countless speeches, held gatherings and healing circles, and on. It was great - I loved it.

What I noticed, starting about 3 years ago, was this - many of those who had been clients, or students, or workshop attendees, were now starting to branch out on their own, whether it be practicing Reiki, teaching it, or teaching other classes that they were passionate about. It was somehow "safe" and more acceptable to have different opinions. I really noticed a swelling in the spiritual community, and I was proud. Proud of my dedication to STAYING with the vision, and really proud of all of us who had the enthusiasm to start out on different courses. But I will be honest right now - sometimes I felt like a mother who had done all of the work of those early years, then watched her children fly the nest, never to look back. Now, that's the GOOD part.

The not-so-good part came when I felt that people wanted to shine so badly that they forget everybody and everything else that had helped them along the way, and somehow made it seem like they'd been doing their work forever. I would hear rumors that I had quit doing my work (never), or that someone else had stolen my ideas (whatever). I even had people request that I stop doing my work so THEY could do THEIR work (seriously). It probably shouldn't matter - a good mother's only job is to raise her children to become beautiful adults. So MY problem was that I saw myself as other people's mother. Did they ASK me to take that on? No. Did they like all of the warm fuzzies and hot chocolate and hugs? Probably. Who wouldn't? Is that my M.O.? Most certainly - I live to serve, I live to nurture and support and help. It's what I DO, and I can't imagine doing anything else. But I can do that through my weekly newspaper column, and this blog, and my work with people, and my books and CDs. And by just being me.

So the tricky part was then this: when I started to feel resentful (for whatever reasons), that was my clue that I needed to do something different. So I took off my "mommy" hat and said, "it's time for everyone to fly. I'm done taking care of it all." And how is it now? To me, it feels like there's a strange disconnect in the area - little pockets of people doing all sorts of little things, mostly the fad of the moment, but that's okay. It doesn't feel like there's just one person or group of people that has taken over the leadership role. And that's good. It's too much for one person. People are branching out, experimenting, finding their ways, which is what I think we all need to do, anyway. Eventually we seem to settle down into ourselves, and stop looking so fervently on the outside for answers or meaning - it ends up being inside of us all along. And I'm not taking the responsibility of thinking it's up to ME to help everyone. Sheesh - get down off the cross. Seriously. Another issue of mine. So how do I feel now that I've retired my position of "Mommy to the world?"

Incredibly fabulous. Free. Light. Energetic. I've spoken of my feelings of happiness that are pervasive, no matter my outside circumstances. But it's something more than that. I feel like I've been reborn into another life - one that allows me to be fully the spiritual being I am AND a full part of the greater community. When I look back, I was spending all of my time cultivating the spiritual community that I didn't have time for anything else. I was gone most nights and weekends, and even when I was home I was planning or working on something coming up.

Now I'm active at Bill's school and active in my church again. I'm volunteering at Hospice again, and have time for friends. I don't feel isolated or cut off - I feel more ME than ever before. Interesting to note, my work has quadrupled since resigning as Mommy. I don't feel the need to tell everyone about my work or worry about it at all - everything just flows. And it feels good. Like I've woken up from a dream and I like how my "real" life feels. It was a long journey, and continues to be a journey, but what I want to say is this: I'm so grateful for all of my experiences in these past 15 years - I wouldn't trade any of them for anything, but it's really nice to be where I am now - loved and appreciated and supported by the WHOLE community, a part of, which is what I've wanted all along. It IS possible to be spiritual AND to just BE here. I'm living proof. And I think it was wrong of me to feel like I HAD to be mommy - if I believe that everyone needs to find their own way, and nobody knows more than anyone else, then thinking I was mommy was a bit hypocritical. I wasn't living what I preached, and that's a big no-no in my world.

And my tribe? A most sincere thank you to YOU, my dear friends - if it weren't for you, this whole thing probably wouldn't be half as much fun. You know who you are. Love and hugs and snugs... me.

Mom's necklaces

There are several stereotypes floating around out there about older people. I never really noticed until Dad pointed it out to me. "It makes me d**n angry the way they're always making older people out to be stupid, doddering idiots, shuffling around yelling, "What?" So I started noticing things. They say older people smell funny, they say older people like hard candies, they say their houses smell icky, they can't walk, or see, or hear, or, apparently, think. Yuck - he's right - it sucks. I look at my parents and I see them wearing clean clothes. They eat incredibly well - lots of fresh fruit and homecooked meals. They take regular showers. And they remember things better than I do. They haven't lost ANYTHING.

I helped Mom go through her jewelry one visit, and we were trying to pare down her immense necklace collection. She told me the stories one by one of her necklaces. Some I remembered, some I didn't. I DO remember her Tut necklace, with the gold flared wings - you know the symbol, don't you? She wore that one all the time. Went through this whole period when she really liked anything to do with Egypt. She still have the 3 foot tall gold statue of a young Egyptian female god (I can't remember which one). One of my first thoughts is, "Jewelry has to be the last thing on her mind," as she struggles with breathing and eating and swallowing and keeping her heart beating. But no, she surprises me again. Every time I come home she's wearing a different necklace - last time it was the cross that Dad gave her for Christmas ("now I can wear it all the time and not worrying about the sides poking into me"). She even changes her rings out (except for her wedding ring, which they had to cut off her swollen finger). I've got to be honest - I'm amazed by my mother. I get myopic in my life right now, and I'm in the peak of health. How she still manages to floss and brush her teeth every night AND find new jewelry to wear AND new combinations of clothes to wear ("this cardigan looks so CUTE with this shirt - it's perfect, don't you think?" Yes Mom, I DO think it's cute). Seriously, she is my inspiration for how I want to live my life, not only when I'm older, but NOW. Dad, too. He's the epitomy of unconditional love in action - when Mom needs something, he doesn't sigh and make exaggerated motions of getting up (like I do). He just goes to her.

So I'm thinking about Mom's necklaces this morning, and feeling all soft in my insides. They've found a lot of fluid in Mom's lungs and legs, and she didn't have much breath to talk yesterday, but wanted to hear all about Steve's PSC campaign. Again, not self-centered, but interested in the rest of the world. Inspirational. I push those death thoughts away, but the tears are spilling out of my eyes again, but it's not a bad thing. Really, it's not. It's just that I love my mom and dad so much it makes my chest all tight a lot of the time. Time is just so flipping erratic - I don't get it - why can't we all just be here all the time - immortal - eternal? Oh wait - we ARE - it's just this whole physical plane thing that messes the linear up with the circular. I keep forgetting. But still... every time I get to say, "Hi, Mommy" I'm grateful. And every time she says, "This is your mommy," I'm happy. That's what I remember.

I don't know what to say...

I want to be honest, totally honest, to write what I'm feeling, yet I resist. Why? Because maybe I think I'm supposed to be "up" all of the time, the eternal cheerleader, the optimist, the one who always supports everything, who believes in more than the eye can see. And I AM those things, but I am also honest (writing practice training - thanks, Nat), and today I am feeling discouraged. Why? Because lately, in these past few days, it feels like I have these visions that I am helping others with, and they don't seem as excited or enthusiastic as I am, and I think, "But these are YOUR dreams, not even MINE, and I feel like I care MORE about them." Now you may just tell me that I should step back and let these people do their own things, but I love all of these people - I love them dearly, and I want to help them, but now I'm thinking that I don't know HOW to help any of them. What I think is helpful, they may think is controlling or overbearing (yes, I've heard it before, unbelievable though it may seem), and I think that may be at the heart of all of this crap - learning new ways to be here, learning new ways to be of help without taking over or thinking it has to be done MY way, because, well, my way is the best. I don't really believe that (I don't think), but maybe I do.

I told Steve that during my basketball years, I was so focused on my playing that the coaches didn't even bother to tell me what was going on anywhere else on the floor. I didn't care. When I saw the ball, I put it in the basket, or batted it away from my opponent. I never saw anyone else around me, and I could mow over 4 opponents on my way to the basket. One coach simply told me, "Don't think." Focus. That's what I do. You could call it obsessiveness, but when I go for something, I throw my whole psyche into it, 24/7 - how can I do it, what else can I do, what's something new I can do, who can I get to help... and on. So I approach Steve's campaign the same way, and Dad's book, and Jordan's life, and Erik's life, and Kari's life, and Bill's life. You get the picture. But now I don't have any time left over to throw myself into MY life. And that's okay - for now, because I believe in Steve, and I believe in this book project for Dad. I WANT to do this, but I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I'm wondering what's going on right now, and I see this is something I'll have to sit with, to ask "up" about, so I will. Hang on: ring ring ring (I'm "calling" my intuition)

Hello, it's us. We can see that you are feeling the current turmoil that is swirling all around you and inside of you, and we wish to point out that it is no different than the current turmoil that the entire world is experiencing right now - wanting to make changes into the new, but coming smack up against the obstacles placed in front of you from the "old." The "old" ways will not work anymore, not in any area of your life, so that can be your new landmark - if you are doing something you've always done, do something else, because the old won't work. It's gone, it's done. (so what about me wanting to help others?) Ask yourself if you are genuinely doing this for THEM, or if there is any part that is doing this for YOU, such as, you want to help your husband because if he's happy it will make YOUR life better, or if you help your dad it will make YOU feel better that he's happy. These are very old patterns for you, dear one, and ones that perhaps push you into directions that you would rather not go into, or at least to the EXTENT that you are wandering in these directions. Maybe not so FAST or so DEEP, is the answer. Maybe pull back on ALL fronts for a while and sit with what YOU really want to do to bring passion and excitement into YOUR life statement. What IS your life statement? Think on that for a while, and breathe, just breathe. It's all here for you, and now is the time to achieve your heart's longing... if only you KNOW what that longing is. We love you, we support you, we respect and cherish you always. Have a great day - us.

So that feels more clear, and I'll go now and sit with myself. Life is not for sissies, just like aging is not for sissies. You have to be present, you have to SHOW UP, and sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and say, "I'm done being a cheerleader - I'm going off somewhere else now for a while - catch you later," then I remember my sweet, patient husband, who never turns me away, who is always there with a smile and a hug, always willing to kiss me, even if he's tired, always there for me, so first I'll re-read I Corinthians (our favorite couple's verse about love - tough stuff), THEN I'll sit with this all - phew - change is pretty challenging, but I'm up for the challenge - after all, I'm a 3-time All-American (hah).