a new vision

I don't know how to explain it, but I'm feeling so alive these days. I'm curious about it, so I'm examining it a little. Here's what I think: Jean Eilerman and Christeen McLain were my first mentors, back in the late 1980's. They were the main spiritual leaders here in the area (in my opinion), then Jean moved to California, and Christeen became a little more quiet in her work, then eventually moved to Arizona. Christeen told me she got tired (now I understand what she was talking about). I was passionate about spreading the spiritual word and being a beacon, so I continued with the work of bringing alternatives to the area, since well, the late 80's. I trained over 250 Reiki students, helped 25 people become Reiki Masters, taught countless classes, workshops, gave countless speeches, held gatherings and healing circles, and on. It was great - I loved it.

What I noticed, starting about 3 years ago, was this - many of those who had been clients, or students, or workshop attendees, were now starting to branch out on their own, whether it be practicing Reiki, teaching it, or teaching other classes that they were passionate about. It was somehow "safe" and more acceptable to have different opinions. I really noticed a swelling in the spiritual community, and I was proud. Proud of my dedication to STAYING with the vision, and really proud of all of us who had the enthusiasm to start out on different courses. But I will be honest right now - sometimes I felt like a mother who had done all of the work of those early years, then watched her children fly the nest, never to look back. Now, that's the GOOD part.

The not-so-good part came when I felt that people wanted to shine so badly that they forget everybody and everything else that had helped them along the way, and somehow made it seem like they'd been doing their work forever. I would hear rumors that I had quit doing my work (never), or that someone else had stolen my ideas (whatever). I even had people request that I stop doing my work so THEY could do THEIR work (seriously). It probably shouldn't matter - a good mother's only job is to raise her children to become beautiful adults. So MY problem was that I saw myself as other people's mother. Did they ASK me to take that on? No. Did they like all of the warm fuzzies and hot chocolate and hugs? Probably. Who wouldn't? Is that my M.O.? Most certainly - I live to serve, I live to nurture and support and help. It's what I DO, and I can't imagine doing anything else. But I can do that through my weekly newspaper column, and this blog, and my work with people, and my books and CDs. And by just being me.

So the tricky part was then this: when I started to feel resentful (for whatever reasons), that was my clue that I needed to do something different. So I took off my "mommy" hat and said, "it's time for everyone to fly. I'm done taking care of it all." And how is it now? To me, it feels like there's a strange disconnect in the area - little pockets of people doing all sorts of little things, mostly the fad of the moment, but that's okay. It doesn't feel like there's just one person or group of people that has taken over the leadership role. And that's good. It's too much for one person. People are branching out, experimenting, finding their ways, which is what I think we all need to do, anyway. Eventually we seem to settle down into ourselves, and stop looking so fervently on the outside for answers or meaning - it ends up being inside of us all along. And I'm not taking the responsibility of thinking it's up to ME to help everyone. Sheesh - get down off the cross. Seriously. Another issue of mine. So how do I feel now that I've retired my position of "Mommy to the world?"

Incredibly fabulous. Free. Light. Energetic. I've spoken of my feelings of happiness that are pervasive, no matter my outside circumstances. But it's something more than that. I feel like I've been reborn into another life - one that allows me to be fully the spiritual being I am AND a full part of the greater community. When I look back, I was spending all of my time cultivating the spiritual community that I didn't have time for anything else. I was gone most nights and weekends, and even when I was home I was planning or working on something coming up.

Now I'm active at Bill's school and active in my church again. I'm volunteering at Hospice again, and have time for friends. I don't feel isolated or cut off - I feel more ME than ever before. Interesting to note, my work has quadrupled since resigning as Mommy. I don't feel the need to tell everyone about my work or worry about it at all - everything just flows. And it feels good. Like I've woken up from a dream and I like how my "real" life feels. It was a long journey, and continues to be a journey, but what I want to say is this: I'm so grateful for all of my experiences in these past 15 years - I wouldn't trade any of them for anything, but it's really nice to be where I am now - loved and appreciated and supported by the WHOLE community, a part of, which is what I've wanted all along. It IS possible to be spiritual AND to just BE here. I'm living proof. And I think it was wrong of me to feel like I HAD to be mommy - if I believe that everyone needs to find their own way, and nobody knows more than anyone else, then thinking I was mommy was a bit hypocritical. I wasn't living what I preached, and that's a big no-no in my world.

And my tribe? A most sincere thank you to YOU, my dear friends - if it weren't for you, this whole thing probably wouldn't be half as much fun. You know who you are. Love and hugs and snugs... me.