just wondering

Mom has a fever today - up to 101 in her ear, which is 103 in her mouth, I think. She couldn't talk, and just lay there. I got scared, and it took two hours to get her some Tylenol. I'm just wondering what all of this is for - what are we doing? How is she living? She can't see, hear, speak, eat, move - she just lays there. Or is it "lies there?" One is active, that you DO, and another thing is for inanimate objects that you DO TO them. So I guess it doesn't really matter which verb I use, does it? They are doing some work to find out what caused her fever, possibly an infection due to her aspirating her food and drink into her lungs, and I ask again, what are we doing? I rinse the white washcloth in cool water and lay it back on her head, and tell her how brave she is, how she's my hero, and she snorts at me, and I tell her I'm serious, and once again, the tears come to my eyes. I'm pretty good about it, usually, really I am, until I go out into the hall while they do a chest x-ray, and I'm all alone with her, wondering if I'm taking good enough care of her, wondering what she wants when her hand starts patting the bedsheet, looking for something. "Do you want a kleenex? Your sucky thing?" She only always shrugs - what can she say? She slaps her hand gently on the side of the bed and sighs a little. She's frustrated, I know, and I want to help her, but the best I can do is just keep telling her, "I'm here, Mom, I'm here."

I bought a notebook and am doing some writing. That seems to help. A lot. I'm a writer, so writing is what I can do, to capture all of these myriad thoughts onto the page so they can be a little ordered. To keep some kind of a record of these times, of these hours and days. For what? I have no idea. For me, I guess. People tell me how sad it must be, and I think, it's not sad if you remain in the present moment, realizing that this is Mom RIGHT NOW, not her yesterday, or last year, or 10 years ago, or 30 years ago, RIGHT NOW, and this is her, and that is that. I sigh as I type, I don't know why, but I'm feeling tired, so I think I'll go rest for a while. Dad's up at the hospital now. It's almost 8PM - I'm ready for bed...