Symptoms

Fatigue, weight gain, hair loss. Although these are mild, I notice them, and when a friend said she has the same symptoms, and thinks her thyroid is out of whack, I'm encouraged again to never underestimate the power of energy shifts and integrations. Are these more energy symptoms? You tell me. I wonder sometimes - is just EVERYTHING an energy symptom? Crabbiness, restlessness, joint aches, stomach cramps, headaches, blurry vision? At what time do you think, "should I go get this checked?" Usually about the time that the symptom STOPS. It's a crap shoot - really, it is. And this is not for sissies. It requires a HUGE amount of blind trust and faith in things unseen, just like the Bible verse: "Faith is the evidence of things unseen." Yes, yes, it is.

So I'm just sitting there yesterday, minding my own business, and whoa - hard cramp in my lower right abdomen. It hurt! My mind races - slight weight gain, abdominal cramping - Kim had that around Christmas, and they found a huge benign tumor. Puh-lease, Susie - CALM DOWN! How long have you been going through these changes? 3 years? Isn't it about time that you relaxed? Well, sometimes I can, and sometimes it's hard. But maybe THIS time it really IS something wrong. Best friend Maggie laughs at me (in a loving way) when I call her and say, "So, tell me I don't have ovarian cancer." Or whatever ailment, take your pick -it changes daily or weekly. I wonder what this worrying does to the energy of my body, if we can affect our health by our thoughts, so I counter these worries with loving, affirmative messages to my body, like "Yes, you're a GOOD body, you're so healthy and strong, just look at you!" sort of like you'd talk to a good dog, or 5 year old. Sigh.

What's left, then, at the end of the day when you're alone with your thoughts and your body? Usually I go over my options, and they run like this: if I DO want to get checked out, I have to make an appointment, and it's going to take time and cost money. If they recommend drugs or surgery, I'm not going to do those, anyway, so why go in the first place? Just to get a "diagnosis" of what they say is "wrong?" Trust that whatever is happening, it is a temporary, but necessary part of whatever transformation piece is happening right now? Wait and see - if it doesn't get better, then look at it again? That worked for the flu that I got a month ago. Man, I felt like crap, but only really badly for 2 days, and even then I could still get around. It worried Mom, got her angry, even, but I told her I wouldn't get the tamiflu anyway - it caused seizures in Japanese children. I'm quite certain she tsked at me, but that's her right - she's my mom. But I DID tell her that I'm not stupid about my health. I love myself, my body and my life, and if I really get worried, I'll certainly go get checked out. So I gave it until the next morning, and lo and behold (whatever that means), I felt a lot better. See? Just give it a day or two and most likely you'll be just fine.

So, there are the symptoms. I wonder sometimes if we should even think about our bodies and our health in terms of symptoms. Does it really serve any purpose? It's sort of like saying, "Well, now the bedroom is dusty" when the workmen destroy the bathroom wall. Well, le duh! So maybe bodily observations aren't that helpful, and only serve to scare us or make us hyper-sensitive to the process. Maybe for the next week I'll look at everything on a continuum - I'm in this part of the process, so now I'm feeling this, then tomorrow I'll be in another place, so I'll be feeling THIS. Something like that. How am I feeling RIGHT NOW? That's always a great question to ask. Thich Naht Hanh recommends that question - "in this present moment, is everything okay?" The answer will almost always be yes, so then you're okay. The sun is shining beautifully, and I'm about to go change into my workout clothes, turn on my iPod and go for a long walk. Then grocery shopping (I didn't have the ingredients for the chicken pad thai last night so we made homemade pizza with red peppers, mozzarella cheese and lamb), but I'll make it tonight, I promise. After that? Who knows? Bill and I finished all 6 of the Star Wars movies for one of our summer goals, and I finished reading "Pride and Prejudice" and am halfway through the Colin Firth movie (Colin Firth - dreamy). It feels good to have goals, and to cross them off when you reach them, but always remembering to leave enough room open to possibilities and greater outcomes than you can imagine. I think that's important.

So while I'm considering my political future, I'm also being soft and open to other possibilities that may come up, because in the end, I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know. And that's okay.