love

I baked a quadruple batch of heart-shaped Valentine's cookies, part for Bill's class, part for the banquet for Celebration of Women and Their Music. I didn't have time to frost them, and Steve (bless his heart) bought store frosting and frosted them, and put the pink sprinkles on. Bill said, "The kids won't like them - they only like her homemade frosting," and though that probably isn't true, I understand. I wanted to be with my husband and youngest son today. I wanted to cook our traditional chicken and rice dinner, with the cut out heart-shaped red bell peppers. I wanted to bake an organic chocolate cake in little heart shaped pans. I wanted to be with them. But this morning I saw my dad's red eyes, and got a stomach ache. What do you do when you are torn directly in two between two worlds? This world of my mom and dad, 190 miles west of my home, and this world of my home and husband and child? Routine and comfort vs. the hospital and insulin shots and low hemoglobin and "what do we do now?" I don't know. I just felt the two worlds in each of my hands, as if I had a scale, and I looked at them, no, I FELT them, and I knew what I had to do.

So I stay in Bismarck one more night. I will stay at the hospital because Mom's getting a strong iron injection and Dad's worried she might get a reaction. I know Mom's scared. Dad's tired. He slept 11 hours last night, and 4 this afternoon. I'm so glad I can be here for them. It feels sometimes like the whole world is crumbling around me. I see friends in crisis left and right, and yet I am so happy. I continue to feel happy and calm and blissful, and I can't tell you why. The night before I left I was cuddling Bill, and lying on my left side. I had the urge to turn to my right, and as I did, I saw that the time was 11:11, so I chose to walk through that gateway to a higher place of understanding. I said, "I walk through, and I will stay there," and although I have a headache and my body is stiff from sitting in the hospital so long, my insides are full, and everything is all right. I can just FEEL it.

They plan on letting her go home tomorrow, and my sister's flying up from Colorado to be with them until Wednesday. After that, I don't know - Steve's on the road for his campaigning, so it's a little tricky with Bill, but Melissa is a godsend, picking him up from school and hanging (thanks eternally, Missy Pooh). Life is very real right now, and I'm so glad I'm as prepared as I am for all that's unfolding. A few years ago I don't think I'd be feeling the same way that I do right now. And I'm grateful. Again, I'm eternally grateful.