what day is it?

I thought I'd posted for today already. I couldn't sleep last night, my head full to bursting with the excess thoughts that crowd in and race. I'm used to that energy, that anxiety energy that seems to multiply with the stress. I practice my deep breathing but it doesn't help, so I take one of my new "Calms" homeopathic pills that I got at Earth Pantry, and pick up my book, "Water for Elephants." I brought along 5 books to read, and I'm halfway through this second one, reading while sitting with Mom. I heard Dad at 4AM, so got up to see how he was doing. He said he couldn't sleep, and as I leaned against the wall hearing him talk about what he thought had happened to cause the fluid in Mom's lungs I could feel my heart rate start to pick up, so I took deep breaths, and told Dad I had to go back to bed. He did, too. By the time I awoke at 8AM, he was STILL asleep. I cooked him breakfast, then we both went to the hospital to wait for Mom's procedure to get her stomach feeding tube put in. She was worried about it, so we said we'd both be there with her.

We sat until noon, when they finally came and took her, then waited until 2PM when they finally started the procedure. Dad left to go home to nap at 3 and I stayed until 6, so I could make the chicken stir fry with brown rice that I had promised Dad. I won't lie to you - I'm tired, I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed out, my body is approaching maximum overdrive, and there's no rest in sight. Nancy's waiting for test results down in Colorado, Peggy's in London, Mary's in Greece, and Judy's at her house. I don't know what to do. I miss Steve and Billy so badly. I call three times a day to keep up with their schedules - how was climbing camp, how was fishing, how was dinner, do you miss me? Maggie called today to check in - god bless my friends. I didn't get outside once today, but wanted to walk and do tai chi, but ended up just holding Mom's hand and rubbing her sore back. I want to be here, I do, but I'm tired, and I don't know how Dad is able to keep up this pace. He wants to be at the hospital as much as possible to keep up on everything that's happening, but I just want to be here, cooking. I want Steve and BIll to drive up here so I can be with them, so I can pretend I have a normal life, and this is normal summer, and we're doing summer things. But instead I'm missing family vacations and memories, and I'm totally and perfectly split in two - wanting to be here, and yet wanting to be home. But I stay, because this time is precious, and invaluable, and will never be again. I know that. I wonder if my sister feels the same way? Perhaps not, but then, I shouldn't be thinking about why anybody else is doing or not doing things, should I? No - I should just concentrate on my life, and on helping Mom and Dad, because that is the most important thing in the world right now, in my world of prioritizing. I will never regret these times, or any of my decisions. I'm just glad I can help. It's the least I can do, after all they've done for me.