Mom countdown - Day 19

Today was a tough day. I felt really great all visit, organizing jewelry, recipes and cookbooks, and photographs. We read some recipes and I got the ingredients to make salmon loaf for Mom and Dad. We found the picture of Mom putting on baby David's clown makeup, complete with rainbow wig. But then I knew I had to go to the funeral home. I called to make the appointment and cried right away. I was embarrassed because I hadn't cried the whole visit. The funeral home is beautiful, overlooking the Missouri River with a lot of windows. I took notes - what kind of flowers do we want, what cemetery will she be buried at, what urn, what poem for the back of the memorial service bulletin, what picture for the front, how many death certificates we'll need to send out. I tried to keep a clear head, but I started fading in and out, dizzy. Sometimes I'd just start crying, and Lois, the funeral director, would politely look away until I stopped. "It's just so hard," I said, "but we really want to get this stuff taken care of as much as possible." She said we had a lot done already, then made xeroxes of the urns I liked, as well as some flower arrangements and I left.

I was fine for a while, then I got indigestion. Then I couldn't eat. Then I got really dizzy. I didn't figure it out until I told Steve and asked him if he thought I was all right. He said that of course I felt that way - I'd just gone to the funeral parlor. I didn't think my body would react that strongly, but it did. Mom and Dad asked where I'd been, and I tried to keep it light, only it didn't work too well, but we did find a poem that she liked - it starts out "Do not stand at my grave and weep - I am not there, I do not sleep." It's a beautiful poem - all about how Mom will be in the winds that blow, and in the sparkles on the snow. But it's hard. I want her to live forever, I love her that much, but I know that's not the way it will end up. None of us get out of here alive. But still, she's my mom, and I'm trying hard not to be selfish, but man, it's hard. That's all - it's just hard.