Mom countdown - Day 23

I feel very calm this morning, having slept pretty well. What's interesting, however, is that whenever I DO wake up in the middle of the night, it takes me just a moment to realize I'm awake, then I can feel my mind engaging, searching every recess to see what's going on. It's asking, "Is everything okay? Has anyone died? Is anyone sick? Is anyone hurt?" and for those moments I feel something like small panic, hoping my mind doesn't find anything to be worried about. I can feel my heart start to thud a little bit, but I just take deep breaths and expand myself until my sweet little brain's done with its morning chore. So I wonder what will happen when someone HAS died? What will my brain do with that information then? I may want to make a proactive plan, like having a script written out for my spirit to follow. It might go something like this: "Yes, brain - we know someone's died. We know it was expected, and we also know that she is in a very great place. Would you like to connect with her right now?" Then Spirit can take Brain to that expanded field where we're all connected, and my Brain will be able to BE in that place with the energy of my mom, and it will calm my Brain to know that this is not the end. Maybe if my Spirit takes my Brain by the hand, lovingly, and says "we" a lot, so Brain doesn't feel so separated and alone. Brain shouldn't - it's been going through deeksha for the past year, and it's a new Brain - the new Brain 2000, if you will. Wireless mouse, expanded memory, unlimited internet time, unlimited program capabilities, tutorials, 24 hour tech support. What more could I ask for? Nothing else.

This moment is perfect, it is complete and whole, as I sit here in my soft white pajamas, listening to the Timmy Turner movie on Nickelodeon, waiting to take my shower so we can pack up the Rialta and head to Itasca. The rain has cleared, but I DID love the soft thunder roll as I opened my eyes this morning. It made me hug Steve closer and kiss his shoulder.

I found the pictures we're going to use on the back of Mom's memorial service. The first is a baby picture of her - she's got a wide grin and her eyes are bright. The next is of her around age 5 - she's in a brown winter coat outside, her head cocked slightly to the right, the same brightness in her eyes. The next is my favorite - it's soft, her hair curly all around her. She's looking off to her right with a Mona Lisa smile. I think it's her high school graduation picture. The last is more recent and shows her with a wide brim hat on, her face obscured mostly in shadow, but with that same mischevious smile on her face that says "Life's a hoot, isn't it?" I want them to put the youngest one up at the top of the page, then swirl them downward to the bottom. I put them in order and filed them with the rest of the funeral home papers - the obituary, the memorial service, the urn and flower catalogs, and the price list. Now I only need to find the main picture for the front of the bulletin. I haven't found the perfect one yet. Tomorrow I'm going to write what I'm going to say at her funeral. She likes seeing everything beforehand, so I'll e-mail it to her. It's okay, today it's all okay, and feeling that way makes my heart beat slower.