Mom countdown - Day 26

This was the big "pop" day, and I felt the dreams last night as they bled into each other. I slept deeply, only waking once at 3:30 to Bill's continued sneezing. I got him some kleenex and stumbled into another dream. The only one I really remember is seeing what looked like a large diary of Mom's. I could see photo after photo of her. Alone, with friends, with Dad, with us. I've had dreams like that before, of me looking at a book with family photos - I'm sure it's symbolic. But this time I saw her handwriting as well, and I could FEEL her energy emanating out of the words and photos.

"Oh Mom," I moaned, and started crying. I could feel the pain emanate out from the center of my heart, then through me and back again. I couldn't stop crying, nor could I stop looking at the pictures or handwriting. Is this preparation? Is this search and destroy grief energy? Will this make the blow easier when I get THE call? I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know. All I know is that it FELT real; I could feel it throughout my whole body - body, mind and spirit. This energy of love and anticipated loss, but it was okay. I woke up, sad, but felt okay. It's all okay, you know? It all just changes. Everything changes, everything. I'm not the same person I was even yesterday - I've said some things, thought some things, done some things, made some choices, didn't do other things. Does it matter? I think the only thing that really matters is that we're here NOW, and that we have open hearts, and willing hands that can hold and hug and help. I am here today, and Mom is here today, and Bill and Steve and Kari and Erik and Jordan are here today. And all of my friends are here today, YOU are all here today, and that makes today a very good day.