New Beginnings

Mom's voice sounded SO enthusiastic on the phone last night. The reason? She had exciting news - she went clothes shopping yesterday. I listened to her story, and was surprised to find myself crying very hard. She finally stopped and asked why I was crying. "Because I NEVER thought you'd be out shopping for new clothes," I answered. For the last 5 weeks I've been walking that fine line between remaining aware of Mom's impending death and looking to the future with her in it. I've been keeping track of the days, as if it meant something to have a count. But I've realized something - I'm not going to keep track of the days anymore - I'm going to rejoice that she's alive, and be grateful, and well, if Death comes and kicks my ass, well, then so be it. I choose to just be with my mom now; to care that she found a patchwork cardigan that's going to be her favorite (in a fabulously SMALL size!), to be amazed that she could go inside the restaurant to eat, that although she wishes she has more stamina, she sounds unbelievably chipper and energetic. I believe, I really do, and I don't quite know what that means, but I turned a corner somewhere around last night, and it's called surrender and trust. I have faith that everything is unfolding in perfect order. I don't know how Mom can still be alive, but I can tell you that she is my greatest inspiration in my life at this moment. She is a living, breathing miracle, and if you don't believe in miracles, just ask me about my mom.

I pondered my new outlook as I took my 5 mile walk this morning. I breathed in the warm moist air and felt the hot 90 degree sun on my shoulders, I smiled a lot, mostly because I was doing the shimmy to "Shake Your Tail Feathers" and I imagined what I looked like, but not REALLY caring. I wonder about my future, about Steve's future, what's going to unfold for my children, for the world. I'm curious, okay? I'm glad I'm a psychic because that lets me get a little heads-up as to what's around the corner, but really, it still remains a mystery, able to change in a single breath. All that we think, or suppose, or predict - it can all fly out the window with a little phone call, or one single event, or one choice. So where does that leave us? In the middle of our lives, making the best decision in every moment, trusting that we are moving exactly where we need to move, doing what we need to do. So what do I need to do right now? Wash some of this sweat off, drink some more water, and then who knows?