accountability

"... answerable, capable of being accounted for, explainable, responsible." My heart is so full of so many things today, I will gather them all up in my arms and label all of them "what I am responsible for." I love my mom and dad more than almost any people on the entire Earth. I told my mom this morning that she did the best she could raising all of us, and at a certain point, she gets let off the hook for our childhood, and we become responsible for our actions and our behavior toward Mom and Dad. If we choose to see them as mean or cruel, that's OUR problem, and it's NOT Mom and Dad's faults - all of us sisters are responsible for our feelings towards our parents. I believe that's true about our relationships with everyone, including ourselves. I feel responsible for my mom and dad's well-being - I take time every day to send them love, and see what I can do to make their lives a little lighter. I would do anything for them.

I love my husband, Steve. He is the most forgiving, patient (holy cow - don't get me started), loving, sweet, kind person I know. He would give not only his shirt to someone who needed it, but would also invite them into his closet to pick out some other stuff they might like. I pray for his happiness, I pray that he feels safe, and loved, and nurtured, accepted and understood. I love all of my children. Kari, down in Minneapolis, forging a life separate from mine, complete with her own distinct set of beliefs and values. I worry about her - is she safe, is she eating well, is she taking her supplements, is she overdoing it. She is my jewel of a daughter, and I respect her strength and her beauty. I love my son Erik, my responsible, strong, so sweet young man, who's making incredible strides out there in the "real" world - I ache for him sometimes, wishing I could make anything bad go away, but I can't. I love my stepson Jordan, who I worry about, sometimes more, and sometimes less, but I DO worry. I wonder if he knows people love him, I wonder if he loves himself, or even knows himself, I wonder how he will BE in this world. And I know that I can't do anything FOR him, he needs to live his own life, but still I feel responsible. And Bill, sweet William - my little Buddha boy. I can't imagine my life without our sweet youngest, those big eyes when they look at me and say, "Choose another thought, Mom," or the way he bumps the side of my head while we're walking to school, my arm around him, and says, "Bump ahead, Mom." (get it? Bump "a head").

Sometimes I love everyone SO much I wonder if I'm leaning too far over into their lives, hoping for certain things, expecting certain behavior, wanting them to live or say or think or be the way I think they should be. That's not unconditional love - that's control (yup - issues, I know), and that's conditional love, and I do it out of love, but that's what every single "good" mother across the globe says - "I do it because I love you," and that's not working for me anymore. I want to walk down my path and feel like I'm solidly on my path, and not looking over at everyone else on their path and saying, "Can I get you anything? How are you feeling? Is that pack too heavy? Here - have all of my water." It just doesn't work anymore - this sacrificial, martyr-like thing that I do, giving everything up kind of mindset. I can feel it in my insides when things start to melt down, as they did last week - then it all feels imbalanced, and I wish I had ALL of my energies back so I could tend to my own life, and make decisions. How much do we do out of responsibility, because we feel accountable to someone for something?

Today I envision myself at the hub of a wheel, and all those I love at the tips of the spokes around the wheel. We are connected, but I'm at the center of my life, balanced and centered. If I feel the urge to lean over into someone else's life, I can ask myself, "Is this serving them in the best way possible for THEIR life?" If the answer is no, or I can't answer the question, chances are the answer is NO, and I might pick another possible action or conversation.

I am feeling sad about a sister, and how I don't feel like I know her anymore, and when I "look" at her I see her standing all alone, sad, but I don't know what else I can say to her, other than what I've already said. She doesn't want any of us in her life, and I feel sad for her, because I know what it feels like to feel all alone. We never really ARE alone, but sometimes we can FEEL that way, and I'm going to keep sending her love, all the while knowing that none of us are responsible for anybody else in this world except ourselves, and our actions and decisions in our lives are just that - OUR actions and OUR decisions - and those are the things that we ARE responsible for.