I wanna be ...

just like my dad. I think I'm like BOTH my mom and dad, and that's a really good, too. He's 84, in perfect health (after a few scares in earlier years), and has a great outlook on life. We're sharing "The Great Course" on the introduction to philosophy, and another one in understanding physics. We're both listening to them, trading them, listening to the OTHER ones, then talking about it. He even knew about the horseshoe structure out over the Grand Canyon. He never stops being interested in the world around him, even though much of his days are taken up with the day-to-day meal preparation, medicine adminstering, and catching up on sleep. Oh, and the great drives around town. What do I really want to say? I want to be the healthy one - the one that only has to take one Vitamin D tablet a week, the one who can walk without help, who doesn't need to go to several different doctors for several different reasons.

And this is NOT about my mom, whom I love DEARLY, but it is about me, and about my dad, and how I've been wondering lately if I'm taking such good care of myself because I want to avoid being dependent and crippled up in my later years. And I've been wondering if I'm expecting Steve to stay healthy because I'm scared that I'll have to take care of him when he's old, and then I'm wondering how cruel and heartless that sounds to be predicting the future on such a conditional basis - of course he'd be there for me if I needed him (I'm thinking he would be - it hasn't been tested yet); isn't that true love? It's more of a "we're in this together" mentality, than a "you'd better not get sick" mentality, and I think it's because of what I went through in that hospital last summer with Mom - the night I spent with her when she was dying, and I saw how hard it was for Dad, and I was so sad, and so drained.

And I can't stop thinking about that night lately, and I think I may need to talk to a friend about it some more. If it's still in the front of my mind, I must still be feeling some things. Maybe it's more about wanting to be strong for Dad, and my sisters, and everyone else, and less about how I actually FELT sitting beside Mom in that room, rubbing her arm, talking to her, wondering if she'd be alive in a few hours, and not possibly knowing how I would ever be able to carry on without her, my mom. It's just life, I know that, in its fullness - no good no bad just ... life, and we can't predict our futures, even WITH a great cholesterol count, or zero inflammation. Sometimes stuff just happens. Maybe Steve will live to be a robust 100, and I'll drop over in a few years - who can say? We go when we go, and there's little control on this plane when that happens. So I found out something about myself, and it is this: I think it's really GOOD to take exquisite care of yourself, because you're the most important person in your life, but to have your motives be in expectation that you'll get more years, or better years, well, you just can't buy that kind of promise, so I'm releasing yet again back into the Void of "Just Because-ness" and loving my health and body just because I do, and I love my husband, and I'll be there for him no matter what he needs from me, because he is my love and my heart, and I still want to be like my dad, but I suspect I already AM.