forbearance...

I will not speak about feeling kicked in the teeth, I will not talk about being brought to my knees. Okay, maybe I will ... just a little bit. It's not the specifics of these various situations all around me that are causing the intensity, but just the fact that it's an energy thing, and things are piling up without resolution (even putting bamboo flooring on our steps - first they sent the wrong color front piece, and now they're out of stock, so we have to carefully walk up and down a rickety, half-finished set of stairs). I know, I know, I ALWAYS say "it's an energy thing," but I can't possibly come up with any other explanation. Why else would I be sitting here at 1:44AM typing, when I should be in bed, resting up to go to Bismarck tomorrow? Not to mention the fact that I fell asleep at 8:30, with Bill still reading his new Sharon Creech novel. So I have already had a GOOD solid 5 hours of sleep, well, 4 since I woke up at 12:45.

It is intense, this current time is - a potential lawsuit on my end with a company (5 months of frustration), Erik going through some unfair times, not being able to have any workable computers (well, this one, sort of), people around me nipping at my heels (and ankles and knees and thighs and arms and on). What is different about this time? I've ALWAYS been able to stay on top of my game, rise above it all, stay optimistic, but I started crying this afternoon, those hot wet tears that just won't stop, and why? Because I couldn't find a software disk for my new computer, then I couldn't remember my new password, and couldn't retrieve it, and all of a sudden, everything just seemed so d**n difficult, like I was trudging uphill in snowstorm. It's usually not difficult. Bill says just not to think about it - that we choose how we're going to feel (little Buddha), and I understand him. I look into his deep eyes and try to pull that knowingness into my own life right now, but I can't seem to.

As I lay in bed I pray: "Dear god - help me understand my lessons right now - how can I see this all from a higher place of understanding - what can I learn right NOW that will help me in my life?" and I hear one word: "forbearance." So of course I go look it up in my "New Age" Merriam-Websters Dictionary, circa 1985.

Forbear: to endure, to do without, to leave alone, to hold oneself back from especially with an effort of self-restraint, TO CONTROL ONESELF WHEN PROVOKED, patient.

So I am feeling provoked right now, prodded as if with a stick, poked, go on, try and bite me, try and get me - jab jab, and I feel like growling and lunging at anyone who's close. I know I'm not perfect, well, wait, yes, I AM perfect, because perfect means "whole," not someone who never does anything "wrong" or "messes up," because if you look at like without judgment (which I work at every day), everything really "just is," so ... I know I'm "whole" and this interests me, it really does - how I can go through my days helping everyone else, giving them expanded information from this beautiful place, and yet I find myself just wanting to curl up and rest my head on someone else's shoulder for a while. I feel tired right now (I know, besides the fact that it's now 1:54AM), and I know this time will pass, so I think I'll go journal for a while and see if I can clear and calm my energies. For right now, right now, I will say that my life feels like things are being "kicked up," and some things will clear and calm back down, and some things will be carried away on the wind, and maybe that's what this time is all about, anyway - raising a ruckus to finally shake the predictable up and make some changes. Because, if nothing changes, nothing changes, and to expect anything different is insanity.