climbing without a safety net

Bill's a great climber. Every Wednesday he goes to the Y to climbing club. He's learning about different holds, how to belay, how to tie on, and how to become a stronger climber. Yesterday I was watching him through the window on the main floor. They start climbing in the basement and climb up 50 feet, past the big picture window in the front lobby. I watched him carefully but quickly climb the corner rope, heard him ring the bell, then I turned around to study. Then something felt odd in my heart - not IN my heart, exactly, but all around it. I turned around quickly and saw Bill still at the top, clinging to the rocks. I ran downstairs and asked him if he was okay.

"No, I'm stuck," he said in a small voice.

I didn't know what that meant, but I was starting to panic, looking at how he was only inches away from that rope at the top, and wondering if it was safe, and not knowing how to help him.

"Take some deep breaths, sweetie," I said calmly, "just stay calm. Everything's all right."

"What happened?" I asked Kevin who was quickly tying himself onto a rope to go up to get Bill.

"His rope twisted a couple of times, so by the time he got up to the top, it was slack, so it feels like you're going to fall," he explained. "It actually happens a lot."

So Bill wasn't actually STUCK, but he was just scared because it felt like nothing was holding him. It was deadly quiet in the whole room, and everyone was watching Bill. Kevin shimmied himself up to the top and grabbed firmly onto Bill's rope.

"See, Bill? I've got you - you're safe. You're not going to fall. Now just push back against the wall and walk down it. You're okay."

Bill wiped his face against his sleeve and kept his head bent as he descended. I wanted to run up to him and help him get untied, but I knew I should let him take the lead, so I stood there and just watched and waited. Nobody said anything when he got down, but Kevin asked him if he'd like to get a drink and come back and climb again. Bill nodded and we walked upstairs to the drinking fountain.

"I think you were very brave, Bill," I told him.

"I was kinda scared," he said, "I cried a little."

"I would've cried a LOT," I said, "I would've felt the EXACT same thing - scared because it felt like I'd fall." And I hugged him tightly, then let him go climb the wall again.

I think what's so amazing about this story is my reaction to it all - I don't think I would've had the nerve to climb again - heck, the last time I was on a treadmill my pulse raced up to 160 for some unknown reason and I quit the health club and haven't been on a treadmill since. I'm a chicken in some ways. But Bill isn't. Even though he was scared dangling up 50 feet above the ground without a safety net, he went right back up that wall 5 minutes later. He has faith, he has trust that sometimes bad things just happen. I even tried to blame the young belayer (I know, I know, shame on me, but I'm a mother, we have to blame someone sometimes, don't we?), asking Bill if he thought she was too young to be belaying for him.

"No," he said, "she's pretty good," and didn't even sound mad. Now THAT'S a spiritual being - someone who doesn't blame others (whoops), has the faith to get back up on that wall even if they're scared they'll fall, and someone who isn't afraid to admit when they're scared. Bill is my hero - he is my Teacher and an overall pretty amazing guy, and I need to remember his moxie the next time I feel like I'm climbing without a safety net (which is pretty much every minute of every day). I'll hear Kevin's voice in my ear saying, "Don't worry, I've got you," and maybe I'll be able to keep climbing, even when I'm scared.