I don't know what to say...

I want to be honest, totally honest, to write what I'm feeling, yet I resist. Why? Because maybe I think I'm supposed to be "up" all of the time, the eternal cheerleader, the optimist, the one who always supports everything, who believes in more than the eye can see. And I AM those things, but I am also honest (writing practice training - thanks, Nat), and today I am feeling discouraged. Why? Because lately, in these past few days, it feels like I have these visions that I am helping others with, and they don't seem as excited or enthusiastic as I am, and I think, "But these are YOUR dreams, not even MINE, and I feel like I care MORE about them." Now you may just tell me that I should step back and let these people do their own things, but I love all of these people - I love them dearly, and I want to help them, but now I'm thinking that I don't know HOW to help any of them. What I think is helpful, they may think is controlling or overbearing (yes, I've heard it before, unbelievable though it may seem), and I think that may be at the heart of all of this crap - learning new ways to be here, learning new ways to be of help without taking over or thinking it has to be done MY way, because, well, my way is the best. I don't really believe that (I don't think), but maybe I do.

I told Steve that during my basketball years, I was so focused on my playing that the coaches didn't even bother to tell me what was going on anywhere else on the floor. I didn't care. When I saw the ball, I put it in the basket, or batted it away from my opponent. I never saw anyone else around me, and I could mow over 4 opponents on my way to the basket. One coach simply told me, "Don't think." Focus. That's what I do. You could call it obsessiveness, but when I go for something, I throw my whole psyche into it, 24/7 - how can I do it, what else can I do, what's something new I can do, who can I get to help... and on. So I approach Steve's campaign the same way, and Dad's book, and Jordan's life, and Erik's life, and Kari's life, and Bill's life. You get the picture. But now I don't have any time left over to throw myself into MY life. And that's okay - for now, because I believe in Steve, and I believe in this book project for Dad. I WANT to do this, but I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I'm wondering what's going on right now, and I see this is something I'll have to sit with, to ask "up" about, so I will. Hang on: ring ring ring (I'm "calling" my intuition)

Hello, it's us. We can see that you are feeling the current turmoil that is swirling all around you and inside of you, and we wish to point out that it is no different than the current turmoil that the entire world is experiencing right now - wanting to make changes into the new, but coming smack up against the obstacles placed in front of you from the "old." The "old" ways will not work anymore, not in any area of your life, so that can be your new landmark - if you are doing something you've always done, do something else, because the old won't work. It's gone, it's done. (so what about me wanting to help others?) Ask yourself if you are genuinely doing this for THEM, or if there is any part that is doing this for YOU, such as, you want to help your husband because if he's happy it will make YOUR life better, or if you help your dad it will make YOU feel better that he's happy. These are very old patterns for you, dear one, and ones that perhaps push you into directions that you would rather not go into, or at least to the EXTENT that you are wandering in these directions. Maybe not so FAST or so DEEP, is the answer. Maybe pull back on ALL fronts for a while and sit with what YOU really want to do to bring passion and excitement into YOUR life statement. What IS your life statement? Think on that for a while, and breathe, just breathe. It's all here for you, and now is the time to achieve your heart's longing... if only you KNOW what that longing is. We love you, we support you, we respect and cherish you always. Have a great day - us.

So that feels more clear, and I'll go now and sit with myself. Life is not for sissies, just like aging is not for sissies. You have to be present, you have to SHOW UP, and sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and say, "I'm done being a cheerleader - I'm going off somewhere else now for a while - catch you later," then I remember my sweet, patient husband, who never turns me away, who is always there with a smile and a hug, always willing to kiss me, even if he's tired, always there for me, so first I'll re-read I Corinthians (our favorite couple's verse about love - tough stuff), THEN I'll sit with this all - phew - change is pretty challenging, but I'm up for the challenge - after all, I'm a 3-time All-American (hah).