Mom is having trouble with somebody in her life. This somebody isn't there for her, doesn't visit, doesn't phone, doesn't seem to even care. And that hurts Mom. She wonders what SHE'S done to deserve that kind of treatment, and she asked me what I thought. So I told her.
When we're born, we're pointed directly toward our parents. They're holding mirrors up to reflect ourselves back. They have the power to tell us if we're beautiful, smart, talented, kind, or selfish, ugly, fat, and stupid. So we're molded and shaped by what we see from them when we're small. But at some point, maybe around age 21 or so, we start to turn ourselves around to face the rest of the world. Then we ask the rest of the WORLD to reflect us back to us. They (our friends, neighbors, significant other, boss) tell us by their actions, what they think of us. They may tell us we're bitchy, generous, too tall, or whatever, and so now we've got a much broader base from which to decide how to view ourselves from the different facets.
We're now responsible for our lives - WE decide how we're going to act, WE decide what we believe about ourselves and our world, WE decide what to say (or not say). There's no big authority out there shining their mirror back at us, based on what THEY believe and how THEY were raised. True - I think we ALL mirror and shadow each other, but there's something different about a complete stranger flipping us off in traffic than if our own parents were to do that. With a stranger, it's most likely about THEM, and we can see that, but when it's someone who's supposed to love you? Well, that must mean I'm a horrible person, and they don't love me. We can then carry that pain for the rest of our lives, never moving that outside authority inside, empowering ourselves in all that we do, asking ourselves, "What do I think?" first, not "what would THEY think?"
So I told Mom she's off the hook, so far as I can see. This person is now almost 60. "Isn't that time?" I asked Mom, and she burst out laughing. I hope she feels better. I hope she realizes what a mom she was in MY eyes. I told her what I felt like with her raising me.
"I thought I was the smartest, most beautiful, powerful, creative woman ever born. I believe I can do anything I set my mind to. I believe I always make the best decision for myself in the end. I believe I'm a wonderful parent, wife, daughter, sister and friend. I believe I'm generous and loving and kind. How could I believe all of those things about myself if you didn't mirror that for me, and if you didn't believe that about yourself?"
No, Mom, you did the best you can. That's all ANY of us can ever do. And if someone chooses to turn their back on you, or treat you disrespectfully, that's about THEM, because you deserve the utmost respect and consideration. You have given almost 30 years of your life raising us, and almost 60 as a mother, caring about us. ALL of us. So whatever you see, I urge you to see the beautiful huge mirror I'm reflecting back to you, because it is the absolute highest reflection of who you are, and if you look closely into MY mirror I hold for you, you will see yourself as you truly are - a luminous golden being of light. I love you eternally, Mom - know that.
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