is it summer yet?

We drove back to Fargo through the mist and rain. Me driving, leaning with my nose almost touching the front windshield as I couldn't see through the cars speeding by me on the left and the traffic jam from trucks and water spewing up in my face. I admit it - I don't like driving in those conditions, but I was strangely calm. I have felt so protected lately, even now, as I hear the thunder pounding in the distance, the cracks of lightning scaring Jack our cat. Storms like this used to send me crying to the basement. But not anymore. I realize that most of my fears (mostly all irrational) have been replaced with a deep trust that springs out of my Center. I know my time is pre-ordained - when it's time, it's time - not a minute before or after can I add to that.

My - I didn't mean to be morbid! Maybe it's the weather. Yes, that's it. No, it's not. I am feeling all sorts of new and old things swirling around inside of me these days, and it's memories of my previous years. Of Uncle Sam coming to our house for Christmas, then slipping on the steps on his way out. Of smelling the beautiful lilacs in our backyard, signaling the end of school. Of Granny Meyer combing out her long, wispy white hair that reached past her butt. Of Dad racing me in the parking lot in the middle of a long car trip, and letting me win. Of Dad now walking with careful steps, his knees not working quite so well. We used to play racquetball together - he kicked my butt. Of Mom rocking me back to sleep when I'd had a bad dream in the middle of the night (I thought parents didn't need to sleep - mine never seemed to). Everything is happening at the same time, yet some of these memories include people that have died, yet it doesn't feel like they're dead. Then I think that those I love now, and who are alive, are going to dead someday, and then I realize I'LL be dead someday. And please, I'm not morbid, but this is just what I'm feeling, and it's a deep feeling, and it's a good feeling, this realization that I want to live (keep living) my life as fully as possible, to do everything I want to do, every day, without having any regrets. No regrets, please, because you just don't know what's around that next corner.

It will be all right, I know, it always is, but maybe there's one less person in my life, but I can't tell you who won't be there, so I want to love them all - all of these people in my life. And I do, and I continue to, and I want to tell each of them what they mean to me. So next time I talk to each of them, I think I will. Yes, that's it. I'll say, "Thank you for being a part of my life. I love your smile and the way your eyes crinkle up when you laugh. That makes me happy. I love how you sing the Star Wars theme in the shower, and the way you grab me when we're in the kitchen." These are my children and my husband, but there are more - so many more. I will think of them all, then I will tell them how I love them, and that will be very good.