love

I love this man

She told me she thinks all relationships are doomed from the start. Why? I ask her. Because women are complex, and expect men to provide all of their needs, and men only have 4 needs. What? I ask her. Sex, food, sleep, and to acquire things. But I think you can make it, I told her. Look at Steve and me. We've overcome seemingly impossible odds to be even more in love and committed than ever. Yeah, but look at ______. Out of respect I won't print the name, but it's someone she knows well. I tell her what I know at this time: it's almost impossible to make any relationship work if one or both of the people have hurts carried over from their childhood. If they get professional help, or are conscious of their "issues" then they can be awake and aware and work actively to heal and move through the blockades set before them.

If they are unwilling, or seemingly unable, to do the hard work that growing up requires, then they stay stuck back there at age 10, or 5, or whenever the main trauma was. Maybe your dad told you you were a good-for-nothing, or your mom said you looked slutty in that short skirt, or your teacher said you weren't college material. Are you going to keep those stings and hurts locked inside of you, allowing them to color absolutely every other step of your life, or are you willing to say that yes, these things happened, and yes, they hurt, and yes, they sucked, but I'm worth fighting for, and my life is precious, and I don't want to waste one more moment wallowing in self-pity or victim or blaming others for everything that's wrong in my life.

When you take that first step to becoming a whole person, you are more able to be in relationship with someone else. What does it take? Surrender, most of all. Giving up control (yeah, I know - my "issue"), being willing to compromise and give up some things for the good of someone else, or at least being willing to not always have your way. Being willing to listen, and to care about someone else's well being. Being able to just hold someone while they cry without trying to make it better. Making the conscious decision to stay, even if you don't really like that person right now, because you choose to stay. These are the things of which a "good" relationship are made, and it doesn't have to be doomed, Kari, it really doesn't. Are relationships difficult? Definitely yes, even in the best of them. Are relationships worth it? In this big world of crashing waves and cataclysmic storms, it's comforting to have someone else on board your ship, sharing the tumult, the fear of the unknown, the walking into the dark with no clue of what's on the other side. But it's all okay, because you know that person's going to be there with you, no matter what. Because you've chosen each other, you've chosen to share your life, and because you love. Always because you love. That's what I know.