I can't believe I did it!

I deleted a whole post from today. I've never done that before, and I'm wondering what that's about. Was I being too honest, too whiny, bitchy, even? That's nothing new, but I think that I did it because I didn't want to talk about that other stuff, I want to talk about how thankful I am for so many things in my life. I want to focus my energies on those things, because that's what will grow when I do that. I am thankful for Steve, and Dad, and Kari, Erik and Bill. I'm thankful for my sweet sisters, and their husbands and children. I'm thankful for Kari, and Verena, and Eden, and Charlene - all of those wonderful women who have taken care of Mom these past years. I'm thankful for Anne and Nancy and Vivian - Mom's best friends. I'm thankful for Maggie and Melissa - my two best friends, without whose friendship I seriously don't know if I'd be alive today (and I'm not exaggerating). I'm thankful for Donna and Chitra and Julia and Marie - the fab 5, we are. I'm thankful for Barb and Maggie and Ellen and Barb and Sandee and Jodi and Katie, some of my amazing neighbors. I'm thankful for everyone at church, at the High Plains Reader (especially John), I'm thankful to all of the sweet sweet people who have come out of the woodworks since Mom died, to surround me with support and love, and I can't possibly name everyone here - the uncountable e-mails and cards and phone calls. On and on, and as I type I am slightly overwhelmed. How can I be in this huge life of abundance? How can I have lunch with everyone, coffee with everyone, e-mail and send letters to all of you whom I love so much?

So the best I can do is hold everyone in my heart, expand it so you all know you're there. Can you feel it? It's warm and beautiful, there are flowers everywhere, and green, and it's peaceful and sunny, with a slight wind in your hair. Ah - I love it here. I think I'll just stay here for the rest of the night. I'm GLAD I deleted the last posting - it was low energy, it's not really who I am, or even really how I'm feeling. THIS is real, how this feels, and I'm feeling blessed and grateful tonight, from the moist turkey and sweet green beans fresh out of the garden, to hearing Dad and Billy talking about drawing, to hearing Dad and Kari talking religion, to seeing Dad relaxed and laughing. It's all just so precious, you know? This is the real stuff - this is what matters. The other stuff? Fluff and stuff, I blow it all away and it evaporates like the mist that it is - it's not real. How I'm feeling right now? This is real, all of it, from the crying to the peace, from the frustrations and impatience to the calm and clear knowingness. It's all me, the good the bad and the ugly, encased in one crystalline being. How can that be bad? It can't. It's good, really really good. So I stay here - join me for a skinny decaf latte or just some sweet water. I'm here.