I love you, Mom - P.S. we need more paper towels!

I'm restless. I don't want to slow down, so I attack each drawer and closet angrily, throwing out 4 garbage bags full of long-forgotten 'treasures.' Then I see it in a pile of important papers - a note from Kari, written in about her 10 year old hand. I love you, Mom - P.S. we need more paper towels. Perfect - I lift it out of the pile and use it to mark my place in "The Friday Night Knitting Club." I use unique notes and photographs and cards and receipts for bookmarks, makes it interesting and fun when I pick an old book up and see that I ate salmon salad and creme brulee at the country club back in 2003. This note is stunningly perfect, combining familial love with responsibilities. She loves me AND I need to buy more paper towels. And so it goes. I baked chocolate chip cookies today, can't sit still, threw out some old potholders and icky knives. I'm cold, ironic with it so hot outside. At least I think it's hot outside - I haven't been out all day. But the air conditioner's on, so that must be why my hands are so cold. The rest of me isn't cold. Then I think my thyroid's acting up, then I think I should just relax and quit worrying about my health so much. I'm fine. It's all fine, this current shift that's leaving me exhausted and irritable. I'm just not happy. It's like I'm waiting for this huge change to come, and I know when it DOES, it will be really fast, so I want to be prepared, only I don't know HOW I'm supposed to prepare, and for someone with my personality, that does create a conundrum.

So what do you do with this time? I don't know - read, cook, clean, go for walks, hug the cat. Beyond that? Kari's coming home tomorrow, gosh, it's been SO long. I miss her so much. Just to have some female energy in the house again will be a godsend. Maggie's party is tomorrow, so that will be fun to have some girl time. She's making some fabulous food, but then, she always does. This will be the 5th party I've been invited to in the past 2 weeks, the first one I'll actually be GOING to. Why? I don't know - I just can't muster up the strength to get my butt out of the house and smile. Steve's Aunt Ruth called with her sympathies over Mom, and I couldn't get Steve on the phone fast enough. I could tell she sounded disappointed that I didn't talk to her longer, but I just couldn't. You understand, don't you? It's all just too difficult sometimes, making small talk, pulling myself up out of this deep spot that my emotions are hidden in right now, to put together articulate thoughts. Too much too much. So I protect myself, stay indoors, or outdoors, picking up sticks from the tree we chopped down, planning what flowers to plant along the back fence. I don't know anymore, much about anything. I'm seeing clients, finishing up my current nutrition class, seeing some friends, but mostly? I'm just hanging out, trying to relax, calm down, hug my brain gently and tell it everything will be okay. Sometimes it believes me, and sometimes it doesn't. It just depends, sort of like everything else these days.