my first party

since Mom died. There were others - Carolyn's, the Mary Magdalene Party, on and on. I tried to go, I wanted to go, but something held me back, hands pushing my shoulders back down, back into the house. I still don't leave much these days. I want to walk, but by the time I finally get out of bed, usually still tired, I just can't muster the strength. Sure, I know I'd feel better, but I just can't. It's a physical limitation. But when Maggie called about her party, I just knew I could go. Michelle was there - we screamed when we saw each other - it's been 2 1/2 years. I love Michelle - she's an amazing woman. Sweet Summer was there, Tami was there - Tams, who helped me through the rough stuff two years ago, and Carol and Noreen, whom I'd just met, then Chanda and Jen later. Then Mags - who cooked the most amazing luncheon (I got her curried chicken recipe - yum!), and of course... the mead. The apple was my favorite.

It probably shouldn't mean THAT much to me, to have gone to this party, but it did - it does. I laughed for 4 hours, cumulatively longer than the last 2 months combined. And so easy, and so fun, and so ... safe. These are women I could talk to, women I trust, and Mags? Well, she's just my blood, she is - closer than one of my own sisters to me. Why? Don't know, don't care. She just is. So today I'm feeling grateful, and calm, and happier than I've felt in months - hopeful, almost. There IS lightness, there IS joy, and laughing possible, even without Mom.

I tried not to think about her on my drive home, maybe because I felt guilty to have felt happiness for those brief hours, then that familiar feeling lodged itself in my chest. But today I welcomed it as an old friend - "You may not ever leave for good, but we can be friends," and I felt the ever slightest shift in its energy. Not demanding or hard or violent, but more insistent, like a child that's hurt, just wanting you to acknowledge it, that's all. You don't need to DO anything, but just know it's there. That's this grief feeling that I have, and am housing. Is it permanent? I don't know I don't know I just don't know. All I know is today, and how I feel, and how my world looks, and right now it looks like love, perfect love. Why? Don't know don't care. Love for Steve, and Kari (she's back!) and Erik and Bill and Dad and Mom and Melissa and Mags and and and. Everyone is included, in ever-increasing rings of awareness and care, circling out of the center point of my life. Perfectly. Perfect.