not again...

I was talking to Mom last night, and I was trying to figure out when something had happened. I told her, "It must've been before Thursday, because Dad was still alive." Mom said, "Dad wasn't the one who died." And I just looked at her, understanding slowly dawning. I started crying and crying and crying until my whole face was wet. Mom was the one who'd died. It just isn't possible. How long will it take my heart to catch up to my head? And will I dream about her every single night? Don't get me wrong - last night's dream was great. The night before? Not so great - it was sort of like she just got dumped into my dream, and she had brown splotches on her - yuck. But give me a dream with my mom, however I can haver her, any day, er, night, of the week.

Sweet Kristin called from New York last night. She's my dear soul sister from 5 years ago in Oregon. We traded readings for our birthdays. She said I've completely changed, but I'm not very patient with myself, so I need to give myself two weeks to let everything catch up and integrate. I can't do it this week, as I've got deadlines for three (count 'em, three) articles for Open Magazine and the High Plains Reader. One is on Judith Valente and Charles Raynaurd, who are going to be doing a workshop at the Presentation Prayer Center on September 14th and 15th. The other is on Dr. Vidya Anderson, who will be in Fargo the whole month of September, doing meditations, teaching work on Byron Katie, and other stuff. She'll be at the Spirit Room. I'm especially excited for both of those, because one's on writing, the other on meditation - two things that are close to my heart. Maybe that's the next step I'm walking in - writing, but something more? Writing and speaking about this integration of soul and body that's been unfolding in me for the last year, no, 5 years, no, 10 years, no, 20 years - okay, for my whole life. Isn't that what this whole thing is about? I don't know, and as usual I'm just going to let everything unfold in its natural time. It just doesn't work to push anything.

For Kristin I saw a large barge being towed down a river by a strong cable. The large barge was her huge soul, but the important piece was that it was being TOWED - she didn't have to do any work - it was taking her where she needed to go, and I suspect that's how it works for all of us. So here I sit on my own barge, looking out at the scenery, talking with Mom, in dreams and waking (at least in my dreams I get to SEE her - maybe next time I'll try to hug her), feeling awestruck at the course my life is taking - everything is different now. Everything. But I suppose deep in my core it's the same, just altered somehow, deepened, maybe. I don't know yet what it is. I guess I just have to be patient and wait to see.