distant

My sister called - we compared notes. I've changed - she says her family says she has, too. I asked Steve if I'd changed. "Yeah," he said, "You're more distant and withdrawn." "I am?" I asked. I didn't think I was. I wonder if it's permanent, these feelings, or if it's necessary. I almost have to withdraw, distance myself from others - they weren't there, they don't understand how I feel, even if they had parents who've died - they aren't me.

Well, no one else IS me, but you know what I mean. How do I feel? Oh, a little angry - someone who ignored Mom for most of the past 5 years is now all about being with Dad, and that hurts me - it's disrespectful to Mom. I'm still protective of her. I don't even care if you didn't like Mom - respect her and cherish her and honor her. That's all I ask - I don't think it's too much, is it? Unconditional love? Maybe I'll have to unconditionally love this certain person (it's hard to do the right thing sometimes).

I sure wish I could sleep. I cleaned out Bill's toy room today - filled two garbage bags full of junk. Where does all this stuff come from, and why is there so much more, and why can't I just shovel the whole lot of garbage in my house into a dumpster? Why do I think everything is so precious, so needing to be kept? I'm tired of things, too much stuff. Too much. Do I seem distant to you? I'm right here, but I'm quieter, more reserved. I don't like to joke or laugh all the time. I notice that. But I'm still fun, really, I am - I think. I don't know what I am right now - feeling full, but not having eaten all day. Tired, but having slept a little bit last night, sad, but nothing really to feel sad about, restless, not knowing why. And distant? Sure, probably I am, withdrawn, too. I think I'll lie low for the rest of the summer, see how I feel in the fall. Maybe lie low then, too. Who knows for sure? It depends on how I'm feeling. I don't think I'll be like this for the rest of my life, just until it stops hurting so much to miss Mom.