I can't sleep

still, and I'm wondering when it will calm down, when I can start my life again. I have nightmares almost every night. Not about Mom, just about bad things happening all around me. Sometimes I wake up, sometimes I don't. Some of my sisters are having them, as well. I got up at 5:30, and now notice that I have dark circles under my eyes, where there were none before. The big thunderstorm traveled right over us, but it was surprisingly comforting to hear the big crashes and rolls, see the sky light up white. I feel lost, I can't get my sea legs yet, or my land legs, wherever I am right now. I don't know. I head back to Bismarck tomorrow, and it all feels like one LONG dream.

Steve said I do a better job of running the house and taking care of Bill, but I know that I just love doing it, that's all. It's not that anyone's better, it's a matter of desire, I think. And what do I desire right now? Calmness, predictability, stability. I desire not to miss my mom every second. It's still inconceivable that I'll go for the whole second half of my life without hearing her voice, without having her in my life. I just don't get how I'll be able to do that. Maybe I need counseling or a support group. Maybe I just need my friends. Rock best friend Melissa is bringing over lasagna later today - gosh, I've missed her. I'm overwhelmed with the e-mails and cards from friends. I never realized how important losing your mother is. But now I do. And I'm grateful to you all, to everyone out there, whether you've lost your mom or not - it's so good to feel loved and supported and understood. My ex's sister even e-mailed to offer her best wishes and to thank me for going to HER mom's funeral. I told her, "I wouldn't have missed it for the world." I loved Leora, my ex's mom, like she was my own mom. She was kind, and generous, and so loving. Sigh. I love moms, as John Strand says.

So I start my day at 10:11AM, still in my pajamas, wondering how in the world I'm going to muster the energy to get dressed.