lost

I'm waiting for Mom to come home. She's gone somewhere, maybe lost, but she's out there - she's just not back yet. I'm waiting, holding my breath. My intestines are cramping, my stomach hurts, I still can't sleep. I think I'm waiting for her to come back home, I'm waiting to hear her voice again, I'm waiting to see her so I can hug her, stroke her arm, tell her I love her, and I'm happy she's not lost anymore. I'm waiting...

Well, that sucks, doesn't it? How stupid am I? I was THERE when she died, I was there when they lowered her urn into the ground, I've still got the sack of her ashes in my purse. Is this what they call denial? The realizations come gently, slightly, like sharp pricks with a knife, stabbing me just a little so that I jump, remember that she's gone and I'll never see her again. Then I cry. Like in church, singing the doxology, or with Dad yesterday, for no reason other than to say, "I miss Mom, Dad," and to see him wiping his eyes. Again. Again and again.

I'm assuming it will be like this for some time, gradual, unrelenting, bare. I'm tired, I'm lost, I don't want to pick up my life yet, write that article, write my column, book my clients, get Bill's absessed tooth pulled, on and on. I just want to curl up and listen to music and stare, and think about Mom, to just breathe her into me. I don't want to run away. I know she's gone, and it's all right, really it is - I'm doing better than I thought I would. It's just this pernicious stabbing that surprises me. It's powerful, and when it comes, I let it take me over, like letting the wave wash over me, I don't fight it, because I know it will be gone in time. Until it comes again. Then I'll be waiting for it, this realization, these feelings, this love for my mother. God, I love her. I miss her. I sort of feel lost without her. But it will be okay, it's okay right now. It's just different, that's all. And it hurts, right there behind my ribs, pulsing out in waves that ebb and flow, but never stopping. I'm drifting, a little lost right now...