Mr. President...

the strange dreams continue. Last night I was friends with the President, only it wasn't George W. - it was a younger, dark-haired man. He was very kind, and we just liked hanging out together. This isn't the first strange dream over the past weeks. I can't even remember any of the others - they fade with the morning sun. I still can't sleep - Billy got up at 7 this morning and wanted to stay up. I wore my cute blue and green dress for two days in a row. Even I'M starting to worry a little. I sat and needlepointed for three hours, couldn't seem to get going today. I DID make the rhubarb crunch to bring to Uncle Jerr's tomorrow, but I feel like I'm swimming underwater, and I can't come up for air.

I went to the street fair, but in the midst of the people I suddenly felt all alone, lonely, even. Is that silly? I thought, "None of these people knew my mom - none of them know she's gone," then I started crying (again). Thank goodness I was wearing my sunglasses - you can't see my eyes. I'm fine, really, I am - it just feels like a strong pair of hands is holding me down, and I know that's the description of depression, but I'm not depressed, really, I'm not. I've got a lot of energy, but I just want my mom here. I want her with Dad - I know he misses her, and I try not to take on his stuff, too, but it's hard sometimes when I'm so empathetic and I love them both so much. How to navigate it all? One breath at a time, one thought at a time. Now it's okay, now I'm sad. I still miss her. I say it out loud, and Bill says sagely, "Don't think about her." Well. I hadn't thought of that before - maybe I'll try it.

What could that dream possibly mean, if anything? That I have dreams of grandeur? That I think I'm cool enough to be friends with the President? Maybe it's just a dream? I liked it, I won't lie, I like being friends with powerful people, if only in my dreams. In the meantime, I pick my way carefully over this current terrain. It feels like I could fall off the side of the mountain if I don't watch what I'm doing, so I try to stay as conscious as possible, and try to remember to breathe.