a little better

I'm feeling a little better today. I can't tell you why, other than I slept kind of deeper than I have since the end of May, and that's GOT to be a good thing. I was still upset about the whole "now I'm close to Dad" thing with this other person, but smart, best friend Missy Pooh shed some really good light on it for me. She said that people sometimes don't know what to do with someone who's dying, so they run away. But afterwards they do what they can to make up for it, whether that's taking care of the living person, or whatever. I understand that - I still don't know where this person was for the past 16 years. Mom wasn't dying that whole time. Oh well - I guess it's not for me to figure out - it's not my business. It's their's. I kept thinking of the story of the prodigal son all day, and how I felt like the eldest, staying, doing all the work, while the youngest took his inheritance, squandered it, then came back, and the dad got excited and embraced him. Now, wouldn't I want Dad to do that for me, if I had walked away from him? Sure I would. So what's the difference? I'll have to think about it - I wish it wasn't so hard sometimes ot do the right thing. Sometimes I just want to be a bitch.

I kept hearing the song "All For the Best" from Godspell today, as well. I didn't think about it until I paid attention to what I was singing. Here are the lyrics that kept running through my head:

Some men are born to live at ease, doing what they please,
Richer than the bees are in honey
Never growing old, never feeling cold
Pulling pots of gold from thin air
The best in every town, best at shaking down
Best at making mountains of money
They can't take it with them, but what do they care?
They get the center of the meat, cushions on the seat
Houses on the street where it's sunny..
Summers at the sea, winters warm and free
All of this and we get the rest...
But who is the land for? The sun and the sand for?
You guessed! It's all for the best...

Don't forget that when you go to Heaven you'll be
blessed...
You guessed! It's all for the best.

You must never be distressed
Yes, it's all for the....
All your wrongs will be redressed
Yes, it's all for the....
Someone's got to be oppressed!

Yes, it's all for the best!!!

So I'm feeling like others are rich, taking it all, and I'm oppressed? But when I get to heaven I'll be blessed, and all my wrongs will be redressed, and yes, it's funny if you've heard that line, "someone's got to be oppressed!" really it is, go listen to it, it's like a vaudeville show, making fun of everything, because after all, it really is just one big game, isn't it? A big party? A big play where everyone's just acting out their parts? First I'm rich, then I'm poor, then I'm happy, then sad, then angry - one life after the next, always different, always shuffled around. It's just that it feels really up close right now, and it's harder sometimes to step back and detach from the drama, but right in this very moment, at 6:26PM, I'm feeling pretty centered and okay, so that's a real blessing, it really is. It makes me think that I will actually make it through this current storm that I'm walking through, not able to see my feet in front of me, or the road before me, holding my hands over my eyes so they won't get stung by the flying sand. I'll make it, I know I will...