three things I know

We bury Mom today. The funeral's at 2PM. It's already sprinkling, the sky a dark gray. I woke up and said, "This is the day of my mom's funeral." I took a shower and said, "I'm showering for my mom's funeral." And on. I wonder if it will be like this for the rest of the day? Maybe the rest of my life? Ruthie checked us out at Target yesterday, and I told her my mom had died. Why did I tell a checkout clerk this? I have no idea. I just want everyone to know. She said her mom died in 2002, and her best advice to me was to take it one hour at a time, and to understand the grief will probably never totally go away. As I walked away, she said, "Remember, one hour at a time." Amazing.

There are three things I know from being here with Mom and Dad this past month:

1: the number of stoplights between their house and the hospital (7)
2: how to open bathroom doors without touching anything (pushing the handicapped button with my butt), and how to press the elevator keys (with the antenna of my cell phone)
3: that I have exactly one month's worth of clothes, if I don't repeat an outfit twice

I leave for Fargo tomorrow, but my soul is here, at Mom and Dad's house. It feels like home now, the trees across the road, the turtles on their log, the fake "deer" in the field (it's a stand, but Mom always called it her fake deer because it kinda looked like one - kinda), Rolling Cappucino, breakfasts on the deck. How can I go back to Fargo and start again, pick up like it's all fine? It IS all fine, don't get me wrong, it's perfect, actually, but there's just something, something. As I sit here, I realize I am waiting for something, and there's a hole in the air. All I can hear and feel is silence, and I realize I'm waiting for my mom. I'm waiting for Mom. I guess I'll be waiting for a long time, huh?

I don't know if it's better or worse to love someone so much. Your hearts become intertwined, but then it hurts so damn much when they go. I've decided it's still better to love someone with everything you've got, just totally throw your arms out, arch your back, and jump off that cliff. You may be smashed to smithereens when you hit the bottom, but god, what a ride.