I love people

It's a strange feeling, walking into Mom and Dad's church this morning. The last time was for the funeral last Tuesday. I've been pretty good about everything, but Dad started talking about Mom yesterday, and those last weeks, and my stomach started hurting again. Maybe I'm just pushing it all away right now, waiting for the chance to really just be with it all. I don't know.

As I looked around at everyone in the church, I was filled with this deep love in my heart, and it seemed to stretch out to my whole body, until I felt like a big love, uhm blob. I don't know what to call that feeling I had, but I felt tender, and so loved and included and grateful to be alive. We went downstairs afterwards and talked with everyone for almost 45 minutes. Dad's like a rock star, I tell you. I think how my priorities have shifted these past three years, from being totally driven to do my work and get it out to the world - they all need me! To relaxing and chilling out enough to trust that whoever needs my work will get it, and the rest of the time I can actually live my life. That's included spending the time just to be with friends and family - parties and barbecues and lunches and movies and trips to the park and picnics and bike rides and coffees. It's all so good, I can't even tell you. Connected and a part of, and loving every minute of it.

Has this past month changed me? Unequivocally, yes, in every aspect of my being. I feel like a great pole that has been pushed deep into the ground. Not so that I'm stuck, but so that I'm sturdy and strong and straight up. I can't get knocked over or pulled up. I'm here, deeply, and surrounded by a gaggle of people who love me, and whom I love, dearly. Even my casual friends. I'm hugging everyone, even strangers!

I can't believe what a great time I had at my 30th high school reunion. Everyone was hugging and laughing and telling me they loved me - Lynell calling me honey? Wow - I was overwhelmed. I couldn't quite understand it all, but I laughed my butt off with Rick, remembering our infamous double date (WE didn't date, but were with others). All the basketball girls surrounded Dad, who came with me last night to say hi (rock star status, I'm telling ya), and sharing memories. Perry Lee? Oh my gosh, the most popular boy in high school, telling me that our pool parties made his whole junior high a great experience. Chuck? With a cane, with MS, but still with bright eyes, telling me he was so thankful we could talk and hug. Amazing. And my grade school friend that used to punch my arm all the time? He was there, too, and we were so happy to talk again, after 30 years. Again and again. The pictures, the memories - some good, some not so good, but all precious. I didn't especially like high school (no one did, my dad explained), but I love these people. I love people! And it just keeps getting better.

I leave for back for Fargo tomorrow, after a dentist appointment (yay), then I can start my summer. I wouldn't have traded these past 5 weeks for love nor money, but I would be lying if I didn't say that my soul is tired, and I look forward to figuring out what my new normal is going to be.