Golden

I was only at Colorado College for my freshman year, some 30 years ago (am I really that old?). Basketball was still a big part of my world, and we started in with training right away. Because the elevation was so high, as opposed to North Dakota's elevation (898 feet), it was hard to get used to lack of oxygen, but we kept at it. I was really good for a freshman, and got to start, even - how exciting. I remember my very first game ever, because I'd gotten some er, issues in my intestines and needed to watch my food intake - heavy on the rice and apples, as I remember.

I loved basketball - the sound of the balls pounding on the wooden floors, the squeak of our shoes, the whistles blasting through the gym, the sweating, the focus. She was our coach. I remember her hair swirling across her forehead, and her beautiful cat eyes. I thought she was positively exotic, Laura Golden, our coach. I thought she was old, but then, I was only 18, so how old was old back then? Turns out she was 37 at the time (really old). I remember knowing that she loved to hike up mountains, then would take in the magnificent view while smoking. I remember thinking that was really silly, and I didn't quite get it.

I had a love/hate relationship with Laura that year, because when Betsy came back from volleyball, I was benched for the rest of the year (even though I was better than Betsy - really, I was - trust me). I had a really difficult time snapping out of that - I was used to being a star player, and one time Laura really let me have it - calling me a spoiled brat, and telling me to grow up and snap out of it, join the real world. Looking back on it, I'll have to think about the whole thing again. Sure, I tend to run toward spoiled - still do - but I also have a real sense of my worth, and I WAS a really good ball player. Should she have benched me just because Betsy was older? I don't know - I don't think so, but I'm not a coach so I can't really say for sure what logic they use.

I've thought about Laura and CC over the years. I went on to be a 3 time All-American (it's actually a standing joke in our family), and be really happy. I wondered what happened to all my friends - Irma with her long fingernails, Janyce, who could down whole jars of jalapeno peppers without flinching (I couldn't even lick one without screaming in pain), Anne and Lorna, my role model with her long black hair.

I got an e-mail a week ago. Laura had breast cancer, and wasn't expected to live much longer. I popped off an e-mail to her, telling her all about my memories, and what I had learned from her. I sent it the minute I got the e-mail. Two days ago they said that she'd died, at the age of 67. It's too young - I wonder what she looked like in those later years. And selfishly, I'm glad I've got everyone's e-mails so I can see what everyone's up to. It's all so fast, this life thing, and I know I talk about it a lot, but here it is again - death. So I'm thinking about Laura Golden today, and how she WAS golden, in so many ways.

God speed, Laura - on to your next adventure - one of your players wishes you well.

happy

My back has frozen up tighter than the ice storm scheduled for tonight... and I'm happy.
It was cloudy most of the day... and I'm happy.
I felt so tired that I took long nap... and I'm happy.
I finished the last of the editing on Dad's book ... and I'm happy.
Steve's in Lamoure speaking at their District Convention ... and I'm happy.
Eastgate Funeral Home called Mom - I need to sign some papers ... and I'm happy.
Kari needs to get her eyes checked ... and I'm happy.
Rusty won't stop howling most days and nights ... and I'm happy.
Bill starts basketball tonight ... and I'm happy.

I guess what I want to say is that it's an odd feeling - no matter what's going on in my "real" world, I'm happy, like it's all bubbling up to the surface and spills over. Okay, I got crabby last night because I can't even walk upright, and my back hurts like a son of a gun, but that's okay, because ... I'm happy. Kari and I talked for over an hour last night - she has come to the conclusion that she's has control issues, and realizes that you don't have much control over a lot of things. I'm 47, and I'm still figuring that one out. I think if you can get a handle on that, you'll be, yup, answer for me ... happy.

Because, after all, it really IS a swift ride this time around, and if you're not happy, then you're probably sad. Or mad. Or bad. Or something else that ends in "ad." Rad? No - that would be a GOOD thing to be. A cad? I'd rather be everything that ends in "appy" like nappy, sappy, (not crappy). Okay - get it now? It's all in how you look at things, how you decide to feel, maybe even beforehand, that counts. I remember living the first two Reiki principles for a whole week. They are "Just for today, do not worry. Just for today, do not anger." Okay, everyone - try those on for size. It was easy for me not to worry, but not to get angry? I realized I had some issues around that emotion. So, I'll try them both again for this next week - do not worry, do not anger. And hey, guess what? The sun's come out, if just for a moment, before it dips down and we watch the ice storm stream in. Those are so dangerous, even walking, when the ice sheets thick on your car windows and you can't even drive, and there are accidents everywhere. So I choose to stay in tonight, and read "To Kill a Mockingbird" (I know, shocking that an English major has never read it - but it was highly recommended by Mary Holtey, so I'll take her recommendation), and wait for sweet Steve to come back from his talk. I hope he misses the ice storm, but either way... I'll be happy (AND I won't worry or get angry). Just for today.

my hero

He dressed in my favorite blue suit, the dark one with the light blue stripes. He wore his Jerry Garcia tie and his North Dakota pin on his lapel. He kept lightly drumming his fingers on the table and looking around. Nobody else could tell he was nervous, but I've been with him 17 years. For him, that was nervous. It's been a while since he's been in front of the camera. As a county commissioner, he was used to the media - they were all friends, in fact. He still keeps in touch with one reporter who moved to Washington. But that's Steve - friends to all. We put up the posters and watched as the people came walking in. I'd even found blue and green Lindt chocolates to match Steve's campaign colors (blue and green). Melissa was there (thank you for your support) and Erik (my anchor and rock). Bill was at Andrew's house (thank you, Mary, for being such a godsend).

He'd practiced his speech - short, but to the point. He's interested in advocating for people - will make big businesses accountable for their actions - will develop wind energy to its fullest potential (Hello? North Dakota? Flat? Windy? Duh...). He's got experience, but he's fresh, as well - no deeply entrenched political experiences to bog him down. He's perfect. But then I'd say that - I'm his wife.

But it's more than that. While he was standing in front of the camera crews and audience, I could feel an energy from him - it was pure spirit, an enthusiasm and excitement to be doing what he loved. I think we should ALWAYS be doing that, don't you? So I'm excited for him, and for us, for this journey. I'm excited for the possibilities of his life and our future. I'm a little tired (I won't lie), but now it's Steve's turn to zigzag the whole state a few times, talking to all of the delegates before our state convention. But I told him, "Just be yourself. That's what's going to win you the election." Once you talk to Steve, you love him. He's easy to talk to, and he loves people - he just does. That's what being a public official is all about, isn't it? Or maybe it SHOULD be, but isn't always. But for Steve it is. His way of contributing back to the world.

Will he win? I doggone sure think so (even if he has a wife that says "doggone"). But we'll know more as time goes on. I'm just so thankful for everyone who showed up yesterday to show their support, and all the e-mails (thanks, you guys). And I'm thankful that Steve's so excited about this. Meet and greet (oh yeah, and drive...)

Off to the pinewood derby - Bill's car is uber-fast, so we're anticipating some kind of victory, then I don't know what. We've postponed our Minneapolis trip for a while - just too much going on. But that's okay - it's nice just to hang out, as well. So, a'hanging we will do... until I teach Sunday School tomorrow...

sunlight and nighttime

it shines on the chair starting at 1:45 these days. If I'm home I try to spend some time there. I brewed my peppermint tea, took my editing pages and a square of Ghiradelli dark mint chocolate and sat down. I tried to concentrate, but all I could feel was the warm sun on the right side of my face. It was warming up my hair, and I reached up to feel my hair, then felt the sun warming my hand, as well. So I left my hand up on top of my head and opened my folio to arrange the sheets. I set out my paper clips, and post-its, and highlighter. I looked down at the page, excited to start, and yet, it was as if something came over me. It felt like I was slipping deeper into the chair, and my vision became a bit blurry. Not like I'm sick or dizzy or anything, but like I really needed to take a nap. But I couldn't take a nap - I only had 20 minutes until Bill got out of school. So I did something else.

I put down the papers, sat up straighter, still keeping my face in the sun, then just stared straight ahead, not STARE stare, just gently stare. The whole room became softer, and thicker, if that makes sense, and I felt myself returning fully to myself, and it was an incredible feeling. I hadn't realized how far out I'd gotten these past few days, helping Steve on his campaign, talking about Jordan and what could help him, talking with Erik about his options, talking to Mom and Dad every day. I realize I have the tendency to lose myself pretty easily into other people's lives. I don't know what that is - control issues, I guess, like they NEED me or else they just can't have a good life.

I know that's not true - I know Steve to be a beautifully competent, intelligent, wonderful being. I know my mom and dad will be just fine, I know Jordan and Erik are creating their own lives, and I know that Kari is making perfect choices for herself. I'm here for everyone, I am - Mags and Melissa, Donna, Chitra, Julia and Marie - my bestest friends in the world. I'm here for you. But today I remembered to be here for ME, as well, and it was perfect. Stunningly perfect. I think I'll be here for myself tomorrow, preferably BEFORE Steve's press conference at 4 down at the HoDo.

Then I hear the still voice encouraging me, "Breathe," it whispers, "Breathe." So I do. And I feel happy. And perfectly filled up. What a beautiful day it is today - sunny, and cold. But that's all right, because everything travels on a spiral, and today is on the cold part, and next month will be on the warmer part. That's just the way it goes. It can't always be warm and sunny. That would burn everything up. I think that's what I want sometimes - for everyone to be alive and happy all of the time, but that's not a whole life, that's just a partial life. I believe in a whole life, as messy as it is. It's what makes me alive. But I DO love the sunlight on my face - I just do. But I also love the darkness of the night, when I can just rest for a while.

full moon rising

Steve walked in the door yesterday at noon, fresh from stock breaking hell with the market down 400 points. I greeted him with a big hug and just held him for a moment. Something was wrong. "Last night Jordan left at 2AM, headed for California," he said. A deep calm came over me and I said, "He's fine. It will all be fine. It's all okay. It's all right." Steve just looked at me. I wonder if he thought I would break down and get hysterical (okay, it's been known to happen), or get upset. But I didn't. Jordan needs to do what he needs to do - he's almost 20, and he knows what to do. We've given him all the help we can. At some point you realize you can't live someone's life FOR them - they're the only ones that can do it. We're here to support each other, to love each other, to inspire each other, and to care for each other, but we can't DO it for them. No one can.

We each have to live our own lives as we best see fit, influenced, perhaps, by those around us, but inevitably responsible for our decisions. It's no one's fault, how we choose to live our lives - sure, we may have had a crappy childhood, but crappy stuff happens all along. It's what we DO with what we're given that makes us who we are - it defines us, shapes us, helps us, even, in the end. You can spend your whole life blaming others, but what does that get you in the end? Probably nowhere, and you probably always feel pretty powerless, letting others control your life - "but it's not my fault - it's yours." We're strong - we can take responsibility for our lives, really we can. And that's when the deep change can begin - the transformation back to the fullness of our Being.

I hugged Steve, rubbed his back vigorously a few times, then patted him and wished him well on his speech to the delegates at the convention in Underwood. I told him to be himself, to be happy and confident, to believe in himself. I told him not to ever give up on his dream, but to keep his eye on his goal and just go for it.

This morning the full moon hung low and bright in the western sky. I thought it was a street light until I noticed how large it was. I love the moon - I love the full moon and the fingernail moon. I love how she just hangs in there, cycle after cycle, not needing to do anything else but reflect the sun back to us. I don't think she's a dead rock - I think she's a mirror, here to help us somehow, even if I don't quite know how. I can just feel her, and I make sure to spend the time just looking up, if for no other reason than to remind me that there's something more than just what we see down here. I think that's our sanity - remembering who we are. Who we REALLY are.

I love Jordan - I send him the reflection of who he really is back to him - a strong, handsome, intelligent, loving young man that has his whole world to look forward to - a world of his own choosing. I know that to be true, and I pray he knows that, as well.

playing the game

Don't look at your portfolio today. That's what Dad said. And Steve said. But I did. And I've now lost enough money to, well, I've lost a lot of money. But have I really "lost" it? Did I even "have" it in the first place? For all I can see, there are some numbers punched up onto a computer screen. There's no REAL money - just some numbers. Am I worried? It makes me a little sad to see how everyone's scrambling this morning, fearing that the whole world is falling apart, that the nation's in a recession, maybe headed for a depression. I sit back and try to figure out why. I know some would be quick to point fingers at the presidency, but I think that's a little too easy and convenient. In fact, I'd LOVE to have some of these people who are spending so much time complaining about the crappy job OTHERS are doing, would spend that same amount of time DOING something constructive. I don't know what they could do, but it doesn't help to spread that lower energy around.

When I sit back and meditate, I see myself sitting in a beautiful field, surrounded by gold. It's peaceful and quiet, and I'm extremely calm and happy. That's the reality I see for myself and my life - it's not about money or mortgages or portfolios, but I'm not in a position of losing my house, so I can't speak for those people. But I DO know that there's a lot more to this whole human experience than things, whether it's spending my time trying to manifest loads of money or trips or cars, or spending my time working at a job that brings me agony (won't do it - never have - never will), or struggling through the struggles because life is a struggle and I'm struggling (I don't believe that). I think it's not only possible at this time, but CRUCIAL, that we take the necessary time and steps to connect with our Higher Energies, our Higher Self, to God, and to STAY in that space, to FEEL what it feels like to reside in that reality, and commit to staying there. The more of us that are there, the more we can create THAT reality down here on Earth. It makes sense to me, and I sit here today feeling the difference between the two: fear or faith, hope or hopelessness, loss or love, illusion or inspiration. I know what I choose. The other is sheer madness, but go ahead and see for yourself - that's all that matters - what do YOU think? What works for you? What makes sense? We all have to figure this out for ourselves.

I wonder why there are those that make it all so difficult. They come to me for help - "HELP ME" they cry, so I tell them what I think they should do (my mistake). But they don't do anything, or do what they want to do, then paint themselves into yet another corner, and fling themselves at me saying "HELP ME." But I've run out of ways to help these particular people - I don't know how to help them anymore, so I hold their hands and say, "I love you, but you need to figure this out for yourself - this is your life. You need to live it. You can do it." We live the lives we see and believe. If you don't like your life, see another life for yourself. I'm reimagining my life every moment - is this what I want? Is this? What DO I want? I choose that. It's a process. But life isn't getting any "easier" down here on this physical plane. It's requiring us to become conscious creators of our own precious lives, not followers of others, but leaders of our own lives. Do what you need to do, but you may want to sit with other options, because a lot of the old ways aren't working anymore. That's what I've noticed around me, anyway. And I'm not playing the game anymore - the game of earthly realities - stock markets and mortgages and Lexus's (although I drove in one once and they ARE sweet cars) and big homes. Sometimes it feels like it's all coming crashing down around us. Why? I don't know for sure, but I think it has to do with peeling off the outer to reveal the true inner, and when I think about it, I only feel relief at where we're going. Home. To ourselves. Our true selves.

yay - it's here...

Digital mammography. I maybe shouldn't be SO excited, but I've been waiting for this for over 5 years. I was ready to travel to Minneapolis for it. I asked the technician here in Fargo if they've got it, and she said it cost $5 million dollars (if I'm remembering correctly - maybe that's too high), too expensive to justify. But aren't we women worth it? It takes less time, renders a clearer image, and doesn't expose us to any radiation. I've been wondering about that lately - I haven't had an x-ray taken in years (not dental or otherwise), but add them all up over the years - dental, doctor's, mammograms, and you get a hefty dose of radiation hits to your body. So - yay to Fargo - Innovis has it, Meritcare is getting it next year, and my place sometime after. Sorry, my place, I'm switching to Innovis for my imaging. Which brings me to my next thought for the day: exams.

Smart friend Dr. Maggie (I call her just Mags) came over yesterday to hang for a while and help me out with my naughty little ribby that won't stay in its socket (do ribs have sockets? Hmm...). We were talking about health care, and having insurance. In the back of my brain I'm always wondering if insurance is worth it, if you live a clean life. I haven't been to the doctor in over two years, except for my yearly exams, which cost a total of $1000. Insurance pays for my monthly visits to Dr. Deb, my chiropractor, and yearly vision tests and part of our dental costs. We pay around $3000 a year for insurance for all 6 of us - no one else has really been to the doctor, either - Erik for some bronchial stuff, that's it. Kari for some stuff, as well, but $3000 worth? So Mags says she keeps it for anticipated catastrophic emergencies that could cost thousands of dollars - I can see car accidents, etc., but still, is it worth it? She said she doesn't believe in testing. If you live a clean life, you won't get sick. But if Steve hadn't been monitoring his prostate, he would've gotten in serious trouble, not detecting his "stuff" and getting it removed to stop anything from spreading.

Even if we live clean lives, stuff happens - it just does. And I said that it might be worth monitoring our genetic issues - if everyone in our past had cholesterol issues, we may want to monitor that. Same with heart or diabetes. Just be aware and take all precautionary measures possible. I don't know - I don't pretend to know the answers, as I keep grappling with the precautionary testing (some say that by the time any abnormalities end up in your blood it's WAY too late - I can understand that, as well), but there's the competitive side of me that says, "triglycerides are only 63? That kicks butt. That's studly." I like comparing my "numbers" and seeing how healthy I am. Could I give that up? Probably. Do I want to? I don't know. But we've got digital mammography here in Fargo, and I, for one, will be among those women calling for their screenings.

Happy 2008

We're almost ready to send out our holiday cards - here's the picture we're using. Haney's does an unbelievable job, making everybody look SO GOOD. We're enjoying the clear blue sky, even if it's like 15 below - sometimes, just sometimes, I ask myself why we still live here (National Geographic article notwithstanding), then I remember - I love Fargo, I love North Dakota.

What I Love About North Dakota (and Fargo):
1. The HUGE open sky
2. Not very bad traffic (although pretty bad drivers)
3. The beautiful fields
4. The Fargo Theater
5. The terrain west of Bismarck
6. That we have a city named "Hill" (come to think of it, I'm assuming it's a city - maybe they're just pointing out that we actually have one hill in North Dakota?)
7. The eclectic nature of Fargo - anyone see that nun standing next to that young guy with 100 piercings?
8. We care - and we'll fight for what we believe in
9. We're loyal - hey, if you don't live in North Dakota, you probably won't get it, okay?
10. Everybody's either related, used to be married to each other, or went to school with someone else - just ask someone from North Dakota if they know ________ - I guarantee you they'll know them, or someone who knows them - seriously
11. Just about everything

So there you have it. I'm off to address 132 letters to delegates and District heads for Steve's PSC campaign - the letterhead is beautifully perfect (thanks, Sheyna - you're a genius), and we're off to the races (so to speak). I just love politics - knowing that you can make a difference - it makes me feel all excited inside.

and the walls come tumbling down...

Bill and I are sitting on a blowup two-seater sled in the front room. We're back to back, each reading our respective books. He, "Ice Fire" and me "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." It was a hard day yesterday, I'm not going to lie. I won't go into the details, but there were some loud words, some tears, and some hearts beating fast. So it was nice to be alone with Bill, sitting back to back on the blowup sled, just relaxing. CRASH CRASH CRASH. The sound of glass smashing and things falling - LOUDLY and a lot of them. Bill sat up, stunned, and just looked at me. Oh no, is she going to stream and start crying? I opened my mouth ... and started laughing, really loudly. Seriously, what else could I do? Something really horrible had just happened, and we had no idea what.

We walked into the kitchen, and three shelves in our pantry had collapsed from too many things being placed on them - the burden was simply too much to bear, and they all collapsed. How could we fail to see the beautiful symbolism? It didn't get past me, so as I sit here typing, thinking I need to be responsible for my parents, my husband, and all 4 of my kids (not to mention my readers, clients, students and friends) I realize I may placed one too many low-sodium chicken broths on my pantry shelf, and it's in serious danger of collapse, so I took some broths off the shelf, and cleaned up the pantry floor, threw out what we never used anyway, and put back half that was there before. That sounds about right in my life, as well - take back 1/2 of what I'd carried. Most of it wasn't even mine to carry - I'm just so used to it, just like the shelves were before they came crashing down. I don't want to crash. I just don't want to carry so much.

The Land of Reality - Day 2

I washed the dirty blinds in our bathroom and cleaned the dust off the window ledge. I looked at it and thought, "This is clean, so why can't Mom be healthy and live longer?" I took a shower, flossed and brushed my teeth, put olive oil on my face and put on my makeup, then looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I'm 100% clean, so why can't Mom be healthy and live longer?" I notice these things.

I gingerly step over the "incident" itself to the other side, to try on some different feelings. I see myself sitting quietly in a sun-drenched room, fully breathing in the pain. I see myself curled up on my bed, wrapped in my soft white blanket, crying, feeling alone. I see myself being brave, staying with Dad, just sitting with him and his enormous pain. I see myself hugging my other sisters, kindred spirits, motherless. I see myself reaching for the phone to call her, then realizing I have no mother to call. It's all a useless exercise, I know it is, but I like to be prepared. I've got control issues. I like to KNOW. But I won't know. I can't know until it's time. I have to stay present in each moment because that's all we've got anymore. Who knows what my world will look like 5 minutes from now? I know that's how it ALWAYS is, we never know, but this feels different, this Land of Reality. It feels, well, so present, if you know what I mean. But I'm choosing to stay here, and to strive to be as honest with myself and those around me as I possibly can. And I guess that's the best that anyone can ask for, right?

mom and dad

I've seen it there for the past 4 visits, at least, but I'm always busy, you know - I've got things to do, important things, like cook, organize, run errands, watch comedies. But this visit was different. I opened the lower cabinet on the island and took out the big metal bowl that Dad used to make bread in every Saturday morning. He keeps onions in it now. I took out the 2 cup glass pitcher, and the little bowls of what looks like baking soda and nutmeg (maybe it keeps bugs away?). I washed down the bottom of the cupboard, then got another wet paper towel and washed away the thing brown streak of something that had spilled countless days or month ago. It was on the insides of both of the cupboard doors. It's not as if anyone would ever have seen it, and it shouldn't have really mattered, but for some reason, this trip it did matter, so I cleaned it. Now I know it looks nice, and clean, and well taken care of, and loved.

Mom is still coughing a lot, and has trouble breathing, swallowing, and sleeping. I've been in the Land of Denial for some months now, but I decided this trip to return to the land of Reality, as cold and harsh as it may feel. My mother's going to die very soon now, and I want to be fully present for her passing. We went over more details for the funeral, and the gathering beforehand. I'm going to look for a good picture of her to blow up and frame for the altar, and put the funeral service notes in the folder with the rest of the information we got together last summer. We'll be all set.

I watched Mom sleeping today. She spends most of her days in her blue recliner, even most of her nights now. I watched her mouth moving and her body twitching - maybe she's remembering her younger years when she could talk loudly and chase us around. The tears started - no surprise - I cry very easily these days - then I looked over at Dad. He was looking at her, too. With such a look of tenderness in his eyes that that really made me start crying. But I figured he couldn't see me as I was sitting at least 10 feet away. He looked up at me and nodded really big and smiled, and I smiled back at him and nodded. It's okay, it's good, it's perfect, it's beautiful, but it is just so d*** hard to love someone so much that you wish stupidly that they could live just forever. Can't be done - shouldn't be done - this is just a stopover, I know, I know, you don't need to remind me or tell me everything will be all right, because I don't know how I'll feel afterward. I don't know if I'll be able to give her eulogy, or if I'll be doing that hiccuping kind of crying where I can't even speak. Maybe I'll be calm and beautiful and have a strong voice. I just don't know.

Maybe I'll cry for a year, maybe I won't. I know I'll be sad, but maybe it will be different than I think. I just don't know. I've never lost my mother this time around. Maybe I'll talk to Sandy, who lost her dad last summer, or Dave, who lost both his mom and dad, or John, who lost both HIS mom and dad, or Carol, or Shannon. I get it - there are many out there, and it's the natural "Lion King" circle of life thing - I get it. But still ... returning to the bare Land of Reality is kind of taking my breath away right at the moment, and I'm having a little trouble concentrating on much of anything, so forgive me, will you? I know it will be just the way it's supposed to be, so I'm concentrating on just putting one foot in front of the other, and being grateful for everything I have in my life.

leaving in a hybrid...

sung to the tune of "leaving on a jet plane." Off to Bismarck to see Mum and Dad for a few days, almost fully recuperated from pulling a rib out (again) - phew, that hurts a lot. I don't even know it's happened until I can't breathe. I'm sitting here thinking about my Work, and about the 180 my life has done in the past 6 months. I've gone from teaching Reiki, holding gatherings and healings, teaching at Moorhead Comm. Ed, teaching at my offices, speaking and leading workshops all over the place, to finishing up with my clients who've scheduled, to writing almost full-time and helping Steve on his campaign. It's exactly what I want to be doing, but it's so odd that after 20 years of being on the frontlines, taking the hits and the facing into the wind, standing firm and staying for the alternative community, being a voice for what the eye cannot see, to feeling almost, shudder, normal. What does that even mean? I'm not sure at this point, but it's as if something has lifted from my shoulders, some burden, maybe, that it's up to ME to "help" Fargo and the area get exposed to spiritual options. It's good work, I love my Work, and I know I'll always do it, but something has shifted, and it feels good, like I'm letting out a huge sigh. Besides, there are a lot of others who are using their voices to do spiritual work, and although I'm not familiar with all of it, and don't resonate with some of it, it's all good in this big wide wonderful world, right?

So I leave for a few days, to cook, and clean, and organize, and lay hands on Mum and Dad, and laugh with them, and help however I can, because I love them, and that's what you do when you love someone - you sit with them, and you stay. And so I'm Steve's right hand woman in his campaign - helping him, supporting him, encouraging him, believing in him. And what's next for me? I don't know - it's all wide open, like a big field, and I sit in it with my eyes closed and a smile on my face, and wonder what will happen next - it's magic, it is. And I believe in it, and I believe in my life.

news and miracles

The press release went out yesterday. I've taken these past two weeks to work on Dad's book, and the last week to help Steve. I had no idea there was so much work to getting these first steps done. We've pulled together an amazing team to help us, and it warms me to see how many people are excited about Steve going for the PSC office. Sheyna made an AMAZING logo for us, with a windmill and "wind" blowing across the "Risher" - just perfect for what he believes in - alternative energy resources and freshness for the state. I've been praying for help - "just help us" is my daily prayer. So the first "miracle" was finding the perfect pen for promotion. I know, it may seem like a tiny thing, but let me explain.

Bill and I had lunch at the Plains, to hug Andrea and wish her best wishes in her new culinary endeavors, and we saw these great blue pens with silver sparkles in them. The Plains Art Museum uses them for their promotion. I asked them where they got them. They didn't know - they'd had them over 4 years. Now, what are the odds that I could go on-line and find those EXACT pens? Well, it took me about 30 seconds to track them down - Galaxy Pens, they are, so I say a HUGE thank you to the Universe for your Help. Also, we heard yesterday that there was a news story in which some of the Republicans were encouraging Stenhjem NOT to run because he's the Majority Speaker, and the Democrats could come in then, and, well, it's all politics, isn't it? If that's true, that would give Stevie a little more fighting chance.

Speaking of Republicans and Democrats, I had a few surprised friends - "you guys are Republicans? Surely YOU'RE a Democrat, Susie." I don't know what that last statement means, but I've heard it quite a lot in the last 20 years, and most of my friends are Democrats (or Libertarians, or Green Party), but my logic is this: we need ALL voices represented in ALL parties, don't we? Otherwise we can get too polarized and rigid, so I like the idea that we can be inspirational, visionary, FOR the citizens AND Republican. Why are there the strict lines, anyway? Or ARE there any lines? I don't know - I like to think that we're free to do what we want to do, and express ourselves however we feel best fits our needs. And besides, I've got smart Republican friends, and smart Democrat friends. I don't care what you are, or what you CALL yourself - if we can talk and respect each other, and hear what each other is saying, that's the most important thing.

So we keep seeing miracles all around us, and keep being thankful, and keep asking for help from friends and families - just spread the word, I think, as we still need to get the Republican endorsement first. It's exciting, it's fun, it's invigorating to think that Steve will make a difference in this state, because I love North Dakota, and her people, and we stay because we believe in it. And that's all I've got to say about THAT.

IT'S OFFICIAL

Steve sent his papers off to Al Jaeger's office yesterday, and his press release is going out later today. Let me explain: Steve was a Cass County Commissioner a while back and really loved it. He ran for office because he said if you don't like the way something is done, then do something about it. For him that meant becoming an active part of change and he'd been feeling that pull again for the past two years, but didn't know what office he felt passionate about. The answer came about 6 months ago. We sat down and I said, "If you could do ANYTHING in the whole world, no limits, what would you do?"

"Be the Public Service Commissioner," he answered. "That's where I can do the most good right now."

Why? I asked. Because PSC sets rates for cell phones, and sets regulations about pipelines and alternative energy, and I hope I'm getting everything accurate, because when he mentioned alternative energy I perked up - wind energy, solar, water - my current passions. I could help, too. But there were no positions open, until a couple weeks ago when Susan Wefald announced she wouldn't be running again. A miracle? That's what I'm thinking. So we're getting our act together, gathering our help, our committee's forming, and he's got an inspired, fresh game plan.

I'm so proud of him- he's the most dedicated, hardworking person I know - when he has a vision, he gives it his all. So I continue with Dad's book project AND join my husband's campaign for freshness and vision. Are we excited? Heck yes. He's getting a website (I already put together a blog for him) - boy, there's a lot of work involved, but it's blown newness throughout our whole house - faith in tomorrow, belief in making a difference. Watch for those t-shirts around the state - maybe a cute bumper sticker or flashy pen? Can you tell I'm in charge of that stuff? Cute is key - hah. So here's to tomorrow, here's to caring enough to get in the game, here's to new things coming into our lives.

P.S. A special request for love and hugs to Pam and Larry Sabby upon hearing the news of the passing of Larry's sweet dad. I love you both.

interesting form

I don't know how I got on the Health Freedom's e-mail list, but I read today's report and found it interesting, in light of the fact that I had a little chat with my sweet pediatrician about vaccines recently. I respect him, but I found myself disagreeing with some of his logic. Health Freedom suggests (probably mildly tongue-in-cheek) bringing this form to your doctor's and having him or her sign it before giving your child a vaccine. See what you think. At the very least, it brings up some VERY interesting questions - do they REALLY use sheep's blood in vaccines? Yuck. I don't know what anyone else thinks about the whole vaccine thing but I can tell you that I HAD the measles, mumps and chicken pox when I was growing up, and now there are vaccines for absolutely everything, it seems. My smart friend Maggie says there's a test called the Tighter Method that can test for antibodies in your blood, and if you have them, then you don't need that vaccine. Now THAT makes sense to me. I haven't researched it yet, though. But for your viewing pleasure, here's the form from Health Freedom:

PHYSICIAN’S WARRANTY OF VACCINE SAFETY

I (Physician’s name, degree)_________________________, _____ am a physician licensed to practice medicine in the State of ________________ . My State license number is __________________ , and my DEA number is _______________.
My medical specialty is __________________________________________________________.

I have a thorough understanding of the risks and benefits of all the medications that I prescribe for or administer to my patients. In the case of (Patient’s name)___________________________ , age _________________ , whom I have
examined on this date __________________________________________, I find that in my professional judgment certain risk factors exist that justify the recommended vaccinations. The following is a list of said risk factors and the vaccinations that
will, in my professional judgment, protect against them:

Risk Factor Vaccination:
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________

I am aware that vaccines typically contain many of the following
fillers:

• aluminum hydroxide
• aluminum phosphate
• ammonium sulfate
• amphotericin B
• animal tissues: pig blood, horse blood, rabbit brain,
• dog kidney, monkey kidney,
• chick embryo, chicken egg, duck egg
• calf (bovine) serum
• betapropiolactone
• fetal bovine serum
• formaldehyde
• formalin
• gelatin
• glycerol
• human diploid cells (originating from human aborted fetal tissue)
• hydrolized gelatin
• mercury thimerosol
• monosodium glutamate (MSG)
• neomycin
• neomycin sulfate
• phenol red indicator
• phenoxyethanol (antifreeze)
• potassium diphosphate
• potassium monophosphate
• polymyxin B
• polysorbate 20
• polysorbate 80
• porcine (pig) pancreatic hydrolysate of casein
• residual MRC5 proteins
• sorbitol
• sucrose
• tri(n)butylphosphate,
• VERO cells, a continuous line of monkey kidney cells, and
• washed sheep red blood

and, hereby, warrant that these ingredients are safe for injection into the body of my patient. Reports to the contrary, such as reports that mercury thimerosol causes severe neurological and immunological damage, are not credible. I am aware
that some vaccines have been found to have been contaminated with Simian Virus 40 (SV-40) and that SV-40 is causally linked by some researchers to non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and mesotheliomas in humans as well as in experimental animals.

I hereby give my assurance that the vaccines I employ in my practice do not
contain SV 40 or any other live viruses. (Alternately, I hereby give my assurance that said SV-40 or other viruses pose no substantive risk to my patient.)

I hereby warrant that the vaccines I am recommending for the care of (Patient’s name) ______________________________________ do not contain any cells from aborted human babies (also known as “fetuses”).

In order to protect my patient’s well being, I have taken the following steps to guarantee that the vaccines I will use will contain no damaging contaminants.

Steps taken:
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

I have personally investigated the reports made to the VAERS (Vaccine Adverse Event Reporting System) and state that it is my professional opinion that the vaccines I am recommending are safe for administration to a child under the age of 5 years as well as for patients over that age.

The bases for my opinion are itemized on Exhibit A , attached hereto, “Physician’s Bases for Professional Opinion of Vaccine Safety.” (Please itemize each recommended vaccine separately along with the basis for arriving at your professional conclusion that the vaccine is safe for administration to a child under the age of 5 years and indicate which information provides the basis for arriving at your professional conclusion that the vaccine is safe for administration to a patient over that age.)

The professional journal articles and other peer reviewed sources I have relied upon in the issuance of this Physician’s Warranty of Vaccine Safety are itemized on Exhibit B , attached hereto, “Scientific Articles in Support of Physician’s Warranty of Vaccine Safety.”

The professional journal articles or other peer reviewed sources that I have read which contain opinions adverse to my opinion are itemized on Exhibit C , attached hereto, “Scientific Articles Contrary to Physician’s Opinion of Vaccine Safety.”

The reasons for my determining that the articles in Exhibit C were invalid are delineated in Attachment D , attached hereto, “Physician’s Reasons for Determining the Lack of Validity of Adverse Scientific Opinions.”

Hepatitis B: I understand that 60% of patients who are vaccinated for Hepatitis B will lose detectable antibodies to Hepatitis B within 12 years. I understand that in 1996 only 54 cases of Hepatitis B were reported to the CDC in the 0-1 year age group. I understand that in the VAERS, there were 1,080 total reports of adverse reaction from Hepatitis B vaccine in 1996 in the 0-1 year age group, with 47 vaccination-associated deaths reported.

I understand that 50% of patients who contract Hepatitis B develop no symptoms after exposure. I understand that 30% will develop only flu-like symptoms and will develop lifelong immunity.

I understand that 20% will develop the symptoms of the disease, but that 95% will fully recover and have lifetime immunity. I understand that 5% of the patients who are exposed to Hepatitis B will become chronic carriers of the
disease. I understand that 75% of the chronic carriers will live with an asymptomatic infection and that only 25% of the chronic carriers will develop chronic liver disease or liver cancer, 10-30 years after the acute infection.

The following studies have been performed to demonstrate the safety of the Hepatitis B vaccine in children under the age of 5 years.
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

The following studies have been performed to demonstrate the safety of the Hepatitis B vaccine in patients over the age of 5 years.
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________

In addition to the recommended vaccinations as protections against the above cited risk factors, I have recommended other non-vaccine measures to protect the health of my patient and have enumerated said non-vaccine measures in Exhibit D,
attached hereto, “Non-vaccine Measures to Protect Against Risk Factors.”

I am issuing this Physician’s Warranty of Vaccine Safety in my professional
capacity as the attending physician to (Patient’s name) ________________________________.

Regardless of the legal entity under which I normally practice medicine, I am issuing this statement in both my business and individual capacities and hereby waive any statutory, Common Law, Constitutional, UCC, international treaty, and
any other legal immunities from liability lawsuits in the instant case. I issue this document of my own free will after consultation with competent legal counsel whose name is _____________________________, an attorney admitted to
the Bar inthe State of __________________________________ .

__________________________________ (Name of Attending Physician)

__________________________________ L.S. (Signature of Attending Physician)

Signed on this _______ day of ______________ A.D. ________

Witness: ____________________________ Date:_________________________

Notary Public: Name______________________________ Signature ________________________________________ Seal___________________________________________ Signed Before Me This Date:_________________________

wisdom from my Mom and Dad - part 1

Dad - "Why would anyone want to look younger anyway? Just look at all these beautiful lines." He holds up his big, beautiful, lined hands and admires them.

Mom - "Sure there's probably some more stuff that I could work on, but I think, hey, at my age, I've done enough. Now I'm just going to enjoy every minute I'm alive."

Dad - "If you can do something you love and get paid for it, you'll be the happiest person alive."

Mom - "I'm happy right now, very peaceful and content. I wish I'd figured that out years ago."

Dad - "You've got to eat a peck of dirt." (in reference to just DOING stuff, not worrying about cleaning everything, or getting dirty)

And so it goes. I'm almost done with the editing part of Dress Gray - it's absolutely fascinating reading, and I'm really proud of the way I can fit the pictures and articles and letters with the text. Sheyna found some fabulous archival pictures to use, so that inspired me to go on the West Point website and find some more pictures to use. This book project is so much more than a book project - it's Dad's heritage, it's me showing my love for Mom and Dad, it's learning about another era, plus it's interesting. I never really had an appreciation for Dad going to West Point, but the more I read about it, he was the cream of the crop, and even graduated 54th out of a class of 1000. Wow - that's something, isn't it? And he's my dad. And he loves Mom, and Mom's "pretty pro and spoony," to quote Dad. I've started a blog for the book, but it isn't really up and running quite yet - I'll let you know when it is.

Also, we've got some BIG BIG news at our house, but we won't issue the press release until tomorrow, so I'll have to break the news then. But I promise you'll be the first to know...

for one more day

As part of my New Year's "Revolutions" I'm finishing reading all of the "started" books in my extensive library. I don't have a count, but if you really need one, I'll get on that today. I thought I'd start small, so I picked up "for one more day" by Mitch Albom. I'd already read about half (why do we DO that? I have no idea...), so I thought it would be a quick one day read. Bill's in a reading challenge for school - they're supposed to read 1000 minutes by the end of the year for a present, but Bill figured out that if he read an hour a day, he could get over 5000 minutes in 12 weeks, and that would be a new world record for his teacher. And my son loves challenges (I wonder where he gets that from? Hmmm), so we get all sorts of juicy reading time now (no tv - thank goodness). So we curled up on our overstuffed striped couch in the front room, lit a blueberry cobbler soy candle from O'Day Cache (check them out - SERIOUSLY, they're FAB), sipped on our peppermint tea, and settled into a long reading session (my idea of heaven, and I'm not even kidding). This is what I read:

"Is Miss Thelma dying, too?"
"Soon," my mother said.
I stepped in front of her.
"Mom. Please?"
"She called for me, Charley."
We both looked toward the bed.
"Miss Thelma? She summoned you?"
"No, sweetheart. I came to her mind, that's all. I was a thought. She wished I was still around and could help her look pretty, not as sick, so here I was."
"A thought?" I looked down. "I'm lost"
My mother moved closer. Her voice softened. "Have you ever dreamt of someone who's gone, Charley, but in the dream you have a new conversation? The world you enter then is not so far from the world I'm in now."
She put one hand on mine. "When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times."

Seriously - goosebumps from head to toe - my trigger that something's True for me. Why did I read that on this particular day, out of all the thousands of books on my shelves? I don't know, but I did, and it's perfect. Absolutely perfect.

I continue to do my deep conscious breathing every day, I continue to take my antioxidants, I continue to meditate in the morning and at night, I continue to do my long-distance healing for my family and friends, I continue to keep the pace of my life slow enough so I can be here, I continue to see the beauty all around me and be thankful for it, I continue to be amazed at the abundance in my life - it's all filled to overflowing, and I love my life. And everything in it. For one more day...

getting ready and letting go

I'm getting ready for something; I don't know quite what yet. I'm seeing everything through new eyes. Actually, that's how I've felt increasingly for the past two years, but this is a physical thing - whatever was in my old world that doesn't belong in my new world is being recycled, thrown out, or given away. What fits gets to stay, which fits my old mantra "what is true, remains." It's probably silly and redundant (you can say that again) to say this, but I never really quite realized how much "stuff" I own. I mean, I'm sure everyone could say that, but I really FEEL that. Every knick knack, every piece of extra china, every book, and CD on my shelf, every piece of paper - so much. Too much, really - it's weighing me down, so off it goes. It's all about letting go - the second part of my day today.

I'm the type of person that hangs on to things - memories, hurts, good feelings, people, sentimental things (those especially - family stuff - if you throw it out you're effectively throwing that PERSON out that it belonged to - seriously, it's what I think). But when you hang on to anything that shouldn't be hung onto, it becomes a weight on you, because now you have to carry it. Now, accumulate a whole lot of stuff to hold onto and you become paralyzed with stuff. It's like your computer that runs out of hard drive. Ironically, my old Apple says my hard drive is full, no matter what I delete. There's some deep symbolism in there somewhere. I'm hanging on to my mom and dad - I just don't want them to die. Either of them, ever, and that is the silliest thing I can ever type, but I'm honest when I type it, so I will. If I tentatively try to fast forward to the time when neither of them will be here, well, it's just too much for me. I don't possibly see how I could do it right now - not to have them? They're two of my best friends, two of the finest people I know. They're who I aspire to be. Why? Let me tell you five facts about each of my parents:

Mom:
1. She's a fighter - god, I want to be just like here - she just doesn't give up. Ever.
2. She's got a sense of humor - even in the hospital, she jokes with everyone that comes in.
3. She's grateful - she thanks Dad every time he brings her her pills or a glass of ice water, or rubs lotion on her feet.
4. She's generous - with her time and her things - she will talk to a friend who's having a bad day, even if she's tired, and gives college scholarships to local kids, only asking them to do the same for someone else later on.
5. She's trusting - even though she knows she's close to dying, she says, "I know it's a beautiful, warm, loving place that I'm going to - I'm not scared."

Dad:
1. He's a worker - yeah, he is - from his childhood years of catching minnows for pay to his adult years of working shifts running cameras when the cameramen were stranded in the blizzard to his later years of lovingly and selflessly taking care of Mom 24/7.
2. He's a Renaissance man - he taught himself how to program computers (back in the early 80's), to playing classical guitar, to violin, to piano, to art, to model airplanes. Where there's an interest, there's Bill.
3. He's interesting - he can talk to absolutely ANYBODY intelligently about anything and know what he's talking about.
4. He's loving - even when everyone else has turned their backs on someone, he's still standing there with his arms open, waiting to welcome them back, never judging or blaming.
5. He's patient - it can't be easy for Dad right now, but I have rarely seen him lose his temper. When I ask him about it, he says, "I'm just grateful for every day I get to spend with that woman."

So what is this about? I started on my things and my life, and ended with my love for my parents - both about getting ready and letting go, I'm thinking.

a hill of junk

Okay, just my junk, other people's treasures, but it's grown to literally the size of a small mountain. I can't stop decluttering - this morning, after an all-night marathon of "Scrubs," I got up at 6AM and cleaned Bill's room top to bottom - poor kid woke up to the vacuum in his ear around 8. Worked my way into the spare bedroom and dragged all of his stuffed animals out. We found the ones we could give away, but he teared up as he held them all to say good-bye, so I think we'll wait until he's at school to walk them out the door.

What is this decluttering madness? I can't say for sure, but I think it has to do with the new energy place I'm in. It's a place that doesn't have any room for unwanted stuff, and boy, do we have unwanted stuff. The utility room got it last week - 4 garbage sacks hauled out to the curb, with a baby mountain of giveaway stuff from that room. Is it any wonder "Clean Sweep" is one of my favorite shows?

It all started when I got back from Mom and Dad's. I help them get organized, and the momentum seems to carry over into my own house (our house needs it, let me tell you). So I know the key is not to replace anything with new valuable "stuff." That's plain silly, but I don't think we're doing that. We're getting ready for something, something big is coming, and even if we don't know quite WHAT, we do know that it IS coming, and that's enough to get us all mobilized, organized, and ready for anything. Besides, it just plain feels great to have all your DVD's in one place, all your books together, your old toys given to kids who need them. So I'm spending the next week clearing everything out of the house, oh, and seeing clients, but this is my main push, and lord knows I go with my intuition.

I love goals, I love plans, I love accomplishing goals, and I love how our house is beginning to feel - more open, like it's saying a big "ahhhhhhhhhh." Happy 2008, everyone, it's starting out with a bang.