full moon rising

Steve walked in the door yesterday at noon, fresh from stock breaking hell with the market down 400 points. I greeted him with a big hug and just held him for a moment. Something was wrong. "Last night Jordan left at 2AM, headed for California," he said. A deep calm came over me and I said, "He's fine. It will all be fine. It's all okay. It's all right." Steve just looked at me. I wonder if he thought I would break down and get hysterical (okay, it's been known to happen), or get upset. But I didn't. Jordan needs to do what he needs to do - he's almost 20, and he knows what to do. We've given him all the help we can. At some point you realize you can't live someone's life FOR them - they're the only ones that can do it. We're here to support each other, to love each other, to inspire each other, and to care for each other, but we can't DO it for them. No one can.

We each have to live our own lives as we best see fit, influenced, perhaps, by those around us, but inevitably responsible for our decisions. It's no one's fault, how we choose to live our lives - sure, we may have had a crappy childhood, but crappy stuff happens all along. It's what we DO with what we're given that makes us who we are - it defines us, shapes us, helps us, even, in the end. You can spend your whole life blaming others, but what does that get you in the end? Probably nowhere, and you probably always feel pretty powerless, letting others control your life - "but it's not my fault - it's yours." We're strong - we can take responsibility for our lives, really we can. And that's when the deep change can begin - the transformation back to the fullness of our Being.

I hugged Steve, rubbed his back vigorously a few times, then patted him and wished him well on his speech to the delegates at the convention in Underwood. I told him to be himself, to be happy and confident, to believe in himself. I told him not to ever give up on his dream, but to keep his eye on his goal and just go for it.

This morning the full moon hung low and bright in the western sky. I thought it was a street light until I noticed how large it was. I love the moon - I love the full moon and the fingernail moon. I love how she just hangs in there, cycle after cycle, not needing to do anything else but reflect the sun back to us. I don't think she's a dead rock - I think she's a mirror, here to help us somehow, even if I don't quite know how. I can just feel her, and I make sure to spend the time just looking up, if for no other reason than to remind me that there's something more than just what we see down here. I think that's our sanity - remembering who we are. Who we REALLY are.

I love Jordan - I send him the reflection of who he really is back to him - a strong, handsome, intelligent, loving young man that has his whole world to look forward to - a world of his own choosing. I know that to be true, and I pray he knows that, as well.