sunlight and nighttime

it shines on the chair starting at 1:45 these days. If I'm home I try to spend some time there. I brewed my peppermint tea, took my editing pages and a square of Ghiradelli dark mint chocolate and sat down. I tried to concentrate, but all I could feel was the warm sun on the right side of my face. It was warming up my hair, and I reached up to feel my hair, then felt the sun warming my hand, as well. So I left my hand up on top of my head and opened my folio to arrange the sheets. I set out my paper clips, and post-its, and highlighter. I looked down at the page, excited to start, and yet, it was as if something came over me. It felt like I was slipping deeper into the chair, and my vision became a bit blurry. Not like I'm sick or dizzy or anything, but like I really needed to take a nap. But I couldn't take a nap - I only had 20 minutes until Bill got out of school. So I did something else.

I put down the papers, sat up straighter, still keeping my face in the sun, then just stared straight ahead, not STARE stare, just gently stare. The whole room became softer, and thicker, if that makes sense, and I felt myself returning fully to myself, and it was an incredible feeling. I hadn't realized how far out I'd gotten these past few days, helping Steve on his campaign, talking about Jordan and what could help him, talking with Erik about his options, talking to Mom and Dad every day. I realize I have the tendency to lose myself pretty easily into other people's lives. I don't know what that is - control issues, I guess, like they NEED me or else they just can't have a good life.

I know that's not true - I know Steve to be a beautifully competent, intelligent, wonderful being. I know my mom and dad will be just fine, I know Jordan and Erik are creating their own lives, and I know that Kari is making perfect choices for herself. I'm here for everyone, I am - Mags and Melissa, Donna, Chitra, Julia and Marie - my bestest friends in the world. I'm here for you. But today I remembered to be here for ME, as well, and it was perfect. Stunningly perfect. I think I'll be here for myself tomorrow, preferably BEFORE Steve's press conference at 4 down at the HoDo.

Then I hear the still voice encouraging me, "Breathe," it whispers, "Breathe." So I do. And I feel happy. And perfectly filled up. What a beautiful day it is today - sunny, and cold. But that's all right, because everything travels on a spiral, and today is on the cold part, and next month will be on the warmer part. That's just the way it goes. It can't always be warm and sunny. That would burn everything up. I think that's what I want sometimes - for everyone to be alive and happy all of the time, but that's not a whole life, that's just a partial life. I believe in a whole life, as messy as it is. It's what makes me alive. But I DO love the sunlight on my face - I just do. But I also love the darkness of the night, when I can just rest for a while.