The Land of Reality - Day 2

I washed the dirty blinds in our bathroom and cleaned the dust off the window ledge. I looked at it and thought, "This is clean, so why can't Mom be healthy and live longer?" I took a shower, flossed and brushed my teeth, put olive oil on my face and put on my makeup, then looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "I'm 100% clean, so why can't Mom be healthy and live longer?" I notice these things.

I gingerly step over the "incident" itself to the other side, to try on some different feelings. I see myself sitting quietly in a sun-drenched room, fully breathing in the pain. I see myself curled up on my bed, wrapped in my soft white blanket, crying, feeling alone. I see myself being brave, staying with Dad, just sitting with him and his enormous pain. I see myself hugging my other sisters, kindred spirits, motherless. I see myself reaching for the phone to call her, then realizing I have no mother to call. It's all a useless exercise, I know it is, but I like to be prepared. I've got control issues. I like to KNOW. But I won't know. I can't know until it's time. I have to stay present in each moment because that's all we've got anymore. Who knows what my world will look like 5 minutes from now? I know that's how it ALWAYS is, we never know, but this feels different, this Land of Reality. It feels, well, so present, if you know what I mean. But I'm choosing to stay here, and to strive to be as honest with myself and those around me as I possibly can. And I guess that's the best that anyone can ask for, right?