tired

If you think you're going to find something energetic and enthusiastic in me today, you are mistaken. I feel tired, soul tired, from the inside out. It is as if someone has died. It is as if you give up everything for three months, trying to help, then at the end of it, someone dies. You're left with nothing, and you don't know what to do next. How do you pick up your life and just go on, when everything feels different? Like you've been slung by a giant rubber band out into the middle of the ocean, then left adrift, stranded in the middle of nowhere. At least BEFORE you knew where you were - you had your bearings, everything was familiar.

Now I feel deserted, alone, sad, aching for Steve. He came home at lunch, icing his hernia, just wanting to rest. All I wanted to do was cuddle up next to him and tell him that I loved him. I wanted to write a note and stick it on the front door that read, "I love you and I'm so proud of you," but what did I do instead? Get bitchy because he hadn't unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it back up again. Just one more thing for me to do, to be in charge of, and frankly, well, I'm tired of having to do it all. And I know it's not ALL, but it's making Bill's lunch, giving him his shower, reading to him, cuddling him, watching him play his video games, grocery shopping, laundry, picking up, cooking, nothing stops or even slows down - it's just dovetailing into more work, and sometimes it's just too much, you know?

I don't expect a parade, I don't expect applause, I don't want Steve to thank me, I don't want anything, really, just a little break. Just a little break - just something spectacular to come along and affirm that everything we've been doing these past 47 years has been for something GOOD, and NOT just our "rewards in heaven," oh no - I'm not at that point right now - I want some rewards RIGHT DOWN HERE ON EARTH. And if you mention "The Secret" or trying too hard (it's all so easy) or just having the right attitude, then I might just have to yell at you. It's NOT one-sidedly "easy" - it's complete, whole, 360 degrees of feeling every emotion and embracing the experiences. It isn't sugar-coating or running away or medicating - it's about uncovering the very kernel of yourself and having the guts to get mad, to ask questions, to keep coming back to it. It's about being honest.

Is that seriously too much to ask? Perhaps. I don't know anything today, as I sit here, needing to go to Penney's to return Bill's shorts then get some groceries for dinner tonight. I don't know, really - I won't turn my back on everything and everybody, tempting though it feels, I've been through too much to be that silly, but I WANT TO, really I do - just get dramatic and say, "Well, I'll be in my room ... for the next year!" but I can't do that for some reason. I can't get into a victim mode - don't get me wrong - I'm pretty upset right now, but I'm not mad at specifically ANYONE, for I chose to do what I did these past months, without any assurances of outcome. My eyes were wide open. I wanted to support my husband and his dream. But there's just something in my gut today, and I haven't quite figured it out yet, so not knowing, I won't write anymore. But thanks for listening to my rant anyway - after all, I'm only human...

What I'm Grateful for about the last 3 months

1. My husband and I are now a stronger team than ever
2. I found out I'm really good in politics (I always knew that Steve was)
3. Everyone in the state now knows what an honorable, wonderful man my husband is
4. I found out I could do anything intensely for a short period of time
5. I learned that we have a lot to learn about the political process
6. I learned that those years of being a good sport through basketball saw me through going BACK to convention this morning for the prayer breakfast and talking to everyone with a genuine smile on my face
7. I learned that the most important thing is to go for your dream - shoot high - and don't ever give up
8. I found out that Governor Hoeven is a REALLY great guy - along with all the other wonderful people this weekend
9. I learned that there is honor in just showing up
10. I learned that you CAN be with friends with those whom others think are your enemies ("Why is Stenehjem sitting at Steve's booth?")
11. My husband is energized about life
12. I'm excited to see what the future brings, fulling trusting in the Divine Order of Things
13. That I am blessed with so many amazing friends
14. That Erik is interested in politics
15. That this campaign is over (hey - I'm not going to start lying now!)
16. That I can SLEEP now

close, but no...

Nomination. Steve gave the best speech of the whole convention, he really did. Everyone said so. I know he was nervous, being the dark horse, but hey, if you don't give your dreams their best shot, you don't have anything. I'm so proud of him - Bob Stenehjem, one of the other candidates, would be seen most times sitting at OUR booth, with Steve, chatting away like old friends. That's the kind of guy Steve is. I'm so proud of him.

It's just so hard to see someone you love NOT get their dream, but again, I'm reminded that I SAID I believe that everything happens for a reason, and if not this, then it's because there's something else planned that's in our Highest Good. And I HAVE to believe that, or everything I stand for and work for is a lie. So, here I am, feeling like I want to cry, but knowing that we did absolutely ALL that we could've done to win this race. So we can't see the broader picture. Okay, I believe that, and am putting myself in the hands of my Higher Ups - okay, guys - the ball's in YOUR court now - what will you do with it?

Thanks to all of our friends who supported us: Missy Pooh, for showing up to hold our hands and "smooth our auras" Erik for being a sweet delegate (sorry your hands got sore lugging in those huge boxes of t-shirts and pens), Tommy for manning the booth and handing out kisses (the chocolate kind), and Diane for closing up the hospitality room. And all of you who sent supportive e-mails - thank you thank you thank you.

The sky is overcast and there's a distinct wind blowing from the northwest. I'm sipping my decaf skinny honey latte, wondering what it is I'm supposed to do now. Breathe a little, I think. Tomorrow's another day (didn't somebody say that in a movie once? Like Scarlett O'Hara???). But, well, tomorrow IS another day, and we'll be opening a whole other chapter in our lives, as yet unwritten. Now THAT'S exciting!

C Day is here

Convention Day. It starts today, with mostly setup for us - the popcorn machine, posters, banners, cards, pens, t-shirts, flowers, tablecloths - you know. Party stuff. I haven't been sleeping well for the last few nights, anxious about the weekend, I'm sure. I wrote my second speech last night, and although it was funny, I still think it was good. I read it to Steve and asked him if it was okay that I proved his financial responsibility with questioning my shoe purchases, and he said, "Who cares what anyone thinks, Susie? I just want you to be yourself." What a guy - here I am, dressing up in my black dress and Jackie O. pearls and sensible shoes to appear as "normal" as possible, yet he still encourages me to just be myself. Is that all right? Demons from my past drift forward - those doubts that whisper, "You're too much - you're too odd, too eccentric, too bohemian - just be normal. Say normal things, do normal things, act like a normal human being." Then I realize - what the heck? None of us are normal - what does "normal" mean, anyway? Boring, most likely - fitting within a VERY narrow range of behavior, determined by middle of the road behavior, set by middle of the road people or tests (are there tests for normalcy?)

So although I'm still wearing my sensible (but beautiful) black dress, I'm wearing my bright yellow suede heels with the puff balls on them, and my beautiful glass necklace with gold and rainbow flecks in it. I'll be 6'4" - I don't care. We're going out there to have fun. We have no idea what's going to happen, we just know we each gave it our best shot. I will rest, however, after this is done. Returning to teaching Sunday School, seeing clients, teaching God and Me at Boy Scouts, and going to visit Mom and Dad. On second thought, I guess it's not taking a rest at all - just taking a rest from the campaigning. Do I like politics? I don't like some of the deceit I've been seeing - candidates lying, or being unethical. I always wanted to lash out (but didn't), and Steve kept saying, "We're running a clean campaign." But it was frustrating to see opponents lying - saying they supported something when it's in the record that they opposed it, seeing they using lists that they weren't supposed to be using, saying they were qualified when they weren't. Did we do that? Honestly, no. We looked at the facts, looked at Steve's history, and carefully spoke truths about Steve, not anything negative about anyone else. Will this honesty, will this new energy commitment pay off? Will it triumph over the good ol' boys network, business as usual, you scratch my back I'll scratch yours energy? We'll just have to see. At any rate, we can hold our heads high, knowing we ran this campaign with integrity, honor, and compassion.

Thanks to all of you who supported us through e-mails and phone calls (even contributions). We are blessed to have so many friends in this world. Look for me to return to a quasi-normal state in the near future (whatever normal means). I'm off to go for a LONG walk before starting last-minute errands and setups. Phew!

it's a miracle - I love my work

I promised Mom and Dad that I'd do readings for them. I don't know why - I just felt like it. I know they like to hear from me, so yesterday morning I sat down at my sweet computer and got started. I did Dad's first - I love my work. When I enter into that space, I feel like I'm giving the whole Universe a huge hug, or maybe like the whole Universe is giving ME a huge hug. Either way, it's good. I had to do some work, and didn't get to Mom's until later in the day. She'd had some bad news from the doctor, and was feeling kind of down. Mom is the brightest star, and her reading was equally spectacular. Again, I entered into that huge hug space. I think I'll just STAY there always - doesn't that sound like a good idea? Eternal hugs? Mmmmmmm...

Whenever I get stuck down here, whenever I feel at a standstill in my life, whenever I feel restless, I simply close my eyes and focus on my heart area. I take a few deep breaths and just concentrate on that area. It's so beautiful, our hearts - they hold such heavenly energy, supporting and loving and encouraging us. So when I pull all of my energies into my heart, I get centered, I see the broader picture, I have love for everyone, no matter what they've "done to me" down here on Earth. In my Heart Space, all is love, and everybody is love, even if it doesn't translate that way in the physical world.

I look at dear Steve, as he enters into the Convention. I wonder "down here" what the outcome will be. I try to look ahead and see the path, and one of the paths has Steve getting the nomination and moving forward confidently to a November victory. Another path has a huge surprise, a huge gift waiting for us, and it's not about the PSC race - it's something else. So what should I put my energies into? How do I work with manifesting for our Highest Good? Well, I've decided to do just that - leave it up to the Universe to help us with what's in our best interests. I keep sending love and light out for this convention, but I know in my heart that what's best for us will come about, so I rest easily knowing we're well taken care of. I DO believe that, just as I believe that the national election for President is divinely led to give us the absolute best for our country, and I will support whomever is elected, with my whole heart - I will pray for them and encourage and support them to do their best. Just as I do for my sweet Steve, and for my Kari, and my Erik, and my Jordan, and my Bill, and all of my friends and other family, and well, okay, on out to the whole Universe. My deepest wish is for all to be in this beautiful place of universe hugs - it's definitely my happy place.

the ol' college 10 (again)

Well, I can't quite seem to get off this subject, as the numbers continue to grow (so to speak). Now almost everyone I've spoken to has gained 10 pounds in the last month. Except me, now I've lost 5 of those 10, so hopefully we're moving through the whatever-it-was that was packing 'em on. Interesting to note that Karen Bishop's NEW energy alert talks extensively about it, so I'll post some of her alert here. You can read the whole thing by going to www.whatsuponplanetearth.com. I even sent Karen a contribution in thanks for all she's doing for us. Here's part of it:

Most recently, many of us are experiencing a substantial amount of weight gain all over our bodies. We can look in the mirror one day and be quite surprised to see the shocking image reflecting back as it may appear that we suddenly gained a huge amount of weight almost overnight! For some, we have never been this weight in our entire lives.

Here is what is occurring: When we are interacting with the denser energies of the old world, or with any energies that we do not resonate with, we begin to hold more light as a protection. We are thus holding in a resistive fashion, whether we are consciously aware of it or not. This creates a tightness and a flow can then not be created. Also, we have had to let go of so much of who we thought we were, or our lower vibrating density, that in order to remain “here” on this planet, we subconsciously think we need to create a heavier physical form to keep us “here.”

As we are carrying more light for the whole, we were thus “carrying more weight” than others. We knew we needed to “pull our own weight” by being in our integrity, by coming from our highest stance, and by being a purified version of who we really were (our own individual gifts and talents).

This extra weight then, was needed while we were interacting with the whole and influencing it through our presence alone. I frequently notice that when I visit my family in California, and am in the energies there if even for a week, I come home with a bigger belly. At lower levels, these interactions with the lower vibrations can cause stress (I’m not specifically referring to my family here…sorry mom), and this state creates a chemical change within us which can cause weight gain as well. All the same thing.

But now things have changed. We have been released from this role. Thus, our weight will begin to fall off the more we begin residing on the “other side.” Again, the more time we spend and the more connected we are to the old world, the more uncomfortable we will be. Trusting that we can let go of the old will allow the new to arrive.




So, there you go! Take what makes sense, or make your own sense out of things. I've been given this FABULOUS new meditation for tuning into your higher energies, establishing communication, then making it conscious, then bringing it into your body, then getting concrete recommendations. I've done it with several clients already and have seen amazing results. I'll keep you updated - I think I'm going to record it and have it available as a single meditation so I don't have to wait to get a whole bunch to make a completely new CD. We need the new information FAST, don't you think? And I'm all about speed when it comes to this energy integration process, aren't you?

Interesting to note, that besides really intense and kind of yucky dreams lately, I vacillate between sleeping deeply and not being able to get to sleep and then sleeping lightly. I also went for my daily walkies yesterday, and couldn't just walk - I had to run. Now, I am not a runner - my knees will tell you so, but there was something inside of me that had to run and run and run. It felt good, and I can't explain it, I just go with the flow.

Another interesting thing I've learned to do is sit quietly and just ask my BODY what it wants, and it recently kept insisting on more rest and Vitamin C (which I know helps moves toxins out faster). Now it just says it wants rest, so that's what I'm focusing on (amidst the convention planning and errands). Try it - you may be amazed at the information you get if you just tune in and go right to the source. Your body knows best, of that I'm assured. I went to the eye doctor today for my yearly exam, and my eyes were a touch more near-sighted. He said that just keeps happening as you get older. I asked him if there was anything to do to help, and he said Vitamin C, E, zinc and lutein. I already take the first three anyway, so I considered lutein, but when I asked my body, it emphatically said NO, not now, so that's what I'm doing (or not doing). It's funny how I tend to still jump when someone tells me something I should do, before stopping to see what my body thinks (or even what I think), so that's another new (and probably more cost-efficient) way of doing things, don't you think? It's a new way of being in my body, it's interdependence - my body can't do it without me, and I can't do it without my body, so why not defer to my body when it comes to things it needs instead of consistently insisting that I know best? I DON'T know best about my body - I usually tend to listen to the "experts" who say "now do this, don't do this - this is healthy, this is now bad." Maybe for some people, maybe for me, maybe not for me. I need to ask my body first, so that's what I'm doing. What a novel concept - doing what's right for you. I may be slow, but eventually I get it.

Wright... or wrong?

By now we've all heard about Obama's pastor, Pastor Wright, and his inflammatory sermons about America, white people and the world. I read his accusations, especially about America being run by rich white men. That upset Steve.

"Why?" I asked him, pausing a second, "it's true."

"No, it's not," he replied. I don't ever really "fight" with my sweet husband - he's just too darned cute, and we really agree on most things. Besides, it's not worth fighting, when you can just look it up.

"I think there's probably about 20% of all political offices held by women, and probably the same for top executive positions," I suggested.

"That's not true," he countered.

He's right - I probably should've said "19.8%" to make it sound like I had some REAL statistics.

I opened the discussion up to my brilliant 22 year old poli sci major daughter. She sent me the following e-mail (although we were sitting 2 feet from each other on the couch - ah the wonders of computer technology).

http://www.cawp.rutgers.edu/Facts.html#elective

Taken together Blacks, Latinos, and Asian-American minorities
today represent approximately 12 percent of U.S. Congress, the vast proportion of whom serving
in the lower House.3 (pg 4 of the document attached)

Women occupy approximately 16.1% of elected offices. Women, however, are more than half of the population in the United States

Women : 151,886,332
Men: 147,512,152 (as of July 1, 2006 from the US Census Bureau)
Total: 299,398,484

Women: 50.7%
Men: 49.3%

Blacks in the United States: 38,342,549 (or 12.9% of total)
Asians in the United States: 13,159,343 (or 4.4% of total)
Hispanic or Lations in the United States: 44,321,038 (or 14.8%)

Minorities = 32.1% of total US population, yet only have 12% elected representation in Congress

Aren't you glad my political science major is useful? That stats and methodology class is a life saver.

love you
roo

Now, we can't get the TOTAL picture of the statistics, seeing as the possibilities could be women who are also Black, who would then decrease the total percentage (you can't add the women stats with the non-white stats), but if you look at it, I'm pretty right on the mark. Even though there are MORE women then men, they only hold 12% of all political offices, well, you can read the rest. Very interesting. I asked my daughter why she thought this was, and she ventured that it was our culture. How is our culture then different from other cultures? Do we prize wealth and males and whiteness above all else? I suggested that we also value our movie stars and give their opinions lofty status, as well, which really doesn't make ANY good sense.

So, while we may not agree with everything Pastor Wright says, I still maintain that there rings some truth in his words, even if they ARE borne out of anger. I think if we react with the same amount of anger, we lose the chance for dialogue, which is what Obama's most recent speech was all about. There ARE race issues, and if we don't address them, then we just delay the inevitable. So I'm going to keep thinking about Wright's words, and have them make some sense to me.

Jesus Cake and Star Wars Monopoly

So there you have it - this year's Jesus Cake, complete with silver candies and red sprinkles. It was delicious, and once more we have a visible reminder of exactly what Jesus did for all of us those many years ago. What a tradition.

We played Star Wars Monopoly late Saturday evening. Erik was the hands-down master, leaving Bill and I in the dust by 9:30 to start the upstairs trek to Harry Potter and bed. Kari fell by 10:30, just in time to watch SNL, with Erik accumulating the vast majority of properties shortly after that to see Steve throw in the towel. He could've mortgaged all of his hotels, but decided just to concede. Along with freshly popped popcorn on our big tabletop industrial sized popper, we were good to go. In my mind, it's not necessarily about the holiday itself, but what that time off can represent to us. Several of my friends didn't even know it was Easter yesterday, and while that surprised me, simply because of the Cadbury egg commercials ever 5 minutes, but just because it's so ingrained in our country, these Christian holidays. And again, for me this year, it WAS about remembering Jesus, even just historically and physically, and what he said and did that was so great, but also the huge sacrifice he made because he loved ALL of us so much (not just a certain select few).

So I cooked and ate - turkey with bunny bread, ham with scalloped potatoes, scrambled eggs, bacon and goopy rolls, and the best darned split pea soup ever concocted on the planet earth and beyond. Too much too much, as my great-grandmother Florence would say, but ALL so good. So now Steve's back at work, Erik's back to his apartment, Kari's getting ready to leave, and I go to work while Bill plays with friends. Business as usual? Maybe, but the undercurrent is definitely one of gratitude and warmth and family love. Again, warmest wishes for a fruitful spring season.

4 Things that Matter Most (and some other stuff)

Okay - I'll start with the other stuff, as it's really puzzling. Steve (and I) have been working our butts off with this campaign since January. We've contacted people, written e-mails, letters, postcards - gotten cards, driven all over the state, and on. Hundreds and hundreds of hours trying to get the word out. Then the Forum comes out with an article this morning stating that there are only TWO candidates for the PSC nomination. Oopsies - they forgot to mention Steve. When Steve called the reporter this morning, her exact words were, "Yeah - I forgot." That's it? She's a political reporter and she forgot one of the candidates for an important statewide election, one that has been in the papers for the past three months, with THREE candidates? Okay, I'm pissed. Really, I am - hard not to be. She's either purposefully leaving Steve out, or she's ignorant - either scenario is not acceptable journalism. So I sit here trying to figure out what to do with all of this. I don't need any more stress right now, but it seems as if we've been fighting on so many fronts. I wonder - is the fighting to strengthen our resolve, or is the opposition a sign that we shouldn't be doing this?

I know it can work either way. And my heart and gut tell me that this is a GOOD thing, and that Steve will be a great PSC, and North Dakota will be lucky to get his public service. And yet - this is so unfair and intense. So I tune in to this reporter's energy, and it looks like she just doesn't care about it. She doesn't see why it would make that much of a difference, and it doesn't matter that she left him off the line-up. It looks like she's smart, but also a little judgmental and narrow-minded. I don't know what else to do with that, except try to find compassion where it is sorely missing at the moment. I want to scream and swear and tell her, "Do you have any idea how hard we've worked, then you just negate Steve's efforts? How would YOU feel if someone did that to you?" but I don't think it would matter to her. I don't know - I'll keep you updated if I figure anything else out about it. This is admittedly a tough one, and if I can come to bat spiritually, I know I'll be a better person because of it. But right now, well, I'm still feeling really human, not so much spiritual.

On to sweeter things: a friend recommended the book "The Four Things that Matter Most" by Ira Byock. I started reading it. The premise is simple: in order to bring closure with those who are dying, or to improve your relationships with those loved ones who are living, you need to have a conversation that includes these four sentences:

I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.

11 words - he also adds "good-bye" for a total of 12 words. I didn't know if it could be that simple, but with what we're facing with Mom, I really took the time yesterday to think if I had any regrets, or anything I'd like to say to mom. I found two tough times. I thought about them - I looked at my side, at their sides (my parents), and at anyone else's side who was involved. The first situation someone doing something unkind to me when I was younger. I know Mom and Dad felt badly about it, and we'd talked about it a lot, but I'd never said what I was about to say to Mom. Out of respect for those involved, I haven't divulged the nature of the unkindness.

"Mom - I love you. I'm sorry about what happened when I was younger. I realize that I was partly to blame because I wanted attention, and I realize that I caused you and Dad heartache and pain. I'm sorry I upset you. Please forgive me. I forgive you."

I instantly started crying. Unbelievable - it happened 33 years ago, but there it was - but I'd said some things in a new way, and she was free to talk about it. Yes, she knows I love her, yes, she felt horrible about what happened, and for goodness sakes, she doesn't need to forgive me. I'd forgiven her a long time ago, because as a parent I know that we do the absolute best that we know how to do in the moment, and we can't keep beating ourselves up for the rest of our lives for things we wished we'd done differently. Then I moved onto the second thing.

At the end of my first marriage, I decided to not talk to my family for a while, to try to get things straight between my husband and me. That lasted almost 7 months, and I know it caused my whole family great pain, but I also knew that it was necessary, because I knew that if I broke off with them for a while, I could see clearly what the real truth was. The conversation with Mom went like this:

"Mom - I'm so sorry about those 7 months that we didn't talk. I know it caused you all great pain, and for that I am truly sorry. But I think it helped me walk peacefully toward my divorce, so even though the end result was good, I know it was hard for you. Please forgive me."

I didn't tell her I forgave her, because in that case she didn't do anything. I won't tell you what she said, because her words haunt me still. It didn't have anything to do with me, but DID have to do with my ex-husband. How do I feel now? Like I've said what needed to be said, even though I thought it was okay (and it really is), now it's for REAL okay, because I bucked up and just talked about those things, instead of assuming it was all okay. Now I can have peace knowing we talked about it honestly, and got it out in the open. I feel relieved. It's a really good exercise, and one that I'll probably do with my dad next. After I get over that last conversation with my mom. I love her so much - she's so open and willing to talk about anything, and I know she loves me, just because. What a rarity, what a gift. I am so blessed.

Thank you, Mom, for allowing me to have that conversation with you, about the 4 things that matter most. It was important - I'm proud of myself for having the courage to talk about those two things, and I'm proud of Mom for being willing to talk about them (again). Powerful stuff.

In case I don't get on to blog tomorrow (too busy cooking ham and scalloped potatoes), have a blessed Easter holidays. I'll post my picture of our annual Jesus cake. No matter your religion (or non-religion), spring is a time of renewal and fresh beginnings, a time of miracles seen through the first green poking up bravely through the white (we just had a mini-blizzard yesterday and today). So celebrate - whether it's buying a plant for your kitchen sill, or planting a few bulbs and saying thanks, or hugging your friend. Or eating a cookie - it's all very very good.

an imperfect 10

Not like the Bo Derek 10 (although her corn rows WERE smashin'), but like 10 as in pounds. They started creeping after Christmas, but understandable with those one daily cookies. Shame on me? Heck no - it's all good. It's just one cookie. But this past week, I noticed a 3 pound leap from Tuesday to Wednesday, and I hadn't eaten sugar for 2 weeks, and had cut my eating back to "normal." The biggest shock, however, comes this morning, as I ingested approximately 1400 calories yesterday, and GAINED a pound this morning. I'm not going to pretend that I understand this 10, but Steve said everyone at his work has mysteriously gained 10 pounds recently, as did Vicky in Minneapolis and all of HER friends. Several here in town have said the same thing. I might think that the campaign stress has done it - produced more cortisol or toxins, which then need more water to protect my organs, hence the fact that all of my clothes still fit perfectly, and I look the same in the mirror.

What is this monstrosity about? Karen Bishop from www.whatsuponplanetearth.com talked about it in her last energy alert. She put forth the idea that our bodies NEED the extra weight to house all of the new energies, but then I'm thinking, "Man, I must have a LOT of new energies to need this extra 10 pounds." You see - it's not as if I'm this skinny little pick that will float away on the slightest breeze. No, I'm a solid 6'1" Amazon that scares some short men (I don't mean to, really), so I don't especially appreciate the extra poundage. So I'm not going to weigh myself for a month, watch what I eat, drink plenty of water, get my walkies in, and get lots of sleep. Melissa doesn't ever weigh herself, and she's got the build of a teenager (in a good way), so maybe I can take some cues from her. It's just that my fat side whispers in my ear, "Yeah, good idea - don't weigh yourself - then you won't see those pounds creeping up on you," so I don't know what to do today. I'm competitive, and I like to see those numbers going down (sort of like Mark on The Biggest Loser), but Bill says I worry too much, that it's stress, Vicky says I should drink more water and breathe, and be sure I'm not taking on anyone else's energy, Steve says I look the same.

So I say I've gained 10 pounds, maybe it's just a temporary loan for some reason. Do I trust? Can I just let this go? Do I need to step back from the intense campaigning after the convention? Hopefully yes yes yes. This is just a touch too intense, this campaign manager stuff - just when I think it's done, something else comes up and Steve looks at me to do it. But I'm done now - the last postcards are addressed and stamped, the last e-mail ready to go out. The rest, as they say, is history. No more anxiety coursing through my veins (if you've ever felt this rush of chemicals, you know what I mean - not a pleasant feeling) as I go through my list of to-dos. Don't get me wrong - I want to help my husband, but it's this old crap of taking everything on, of thinking it has to be done MY way (although MY way HAS been working spectacularly on this campaign, along with Steve's visionining), of obsessing about things -over and over and over and... It may be a good time to change that pattern, let most of it go. I'm done, remember? The convention is all set to go. Except for ordering those 100 signs, and getting workers for Friday evening, and...

Just watch - on April 19th I'll weigh myself and report back here. You'll be the first to hear (yeah, like we even CARE that much, but still - it's important somehow in this universal scheme of things, isn't it? Maybe you've gained that 10, too, an am a little worried about it, too - now you know you're not alone). Does it matter at all? Yes and no. Probably right now a little more yes than no, if I'm to be totally honest. And that's what I always strive to be.

Wow - it's snowing. I just looked out Kari's window, and big beautiful flakes are falling heavily and fast. Beautiful. I know we hope for spring, and it's almost felt like summer these past few days, but there's just something about that snow... spring WILL come, but in the meantime, go outside and make a snowman and have one last snowball fight. I'm going to. "Hey, Bill..."

the ankle bone's connected to the shin bone...

Tammy's a godsend, coming to my house almost every Wednesday for the past year or so. She totally saved my life regarding my ears and hearing loss - she was the only one that could help that. So when I felt that huge bump behind my right ear yesterday, and felt my left ear "full" again, I know I needed her help. Here's the strange energy cycle as I experienced it this last time. I felt it all building up until about 3 weeks ago. I felt increasingly "squeezed," like people were pressing in on me. I was irritable and restless. I felt like I was just waiting for something. Then something popped, and I felt an instant release. That was 3 weeks ago. Then I felt instantly dizzy, my vision blurred, and my previously deep sleep (up until that three week mark) started becoming lighter, my dreams stranger and deeper. Then my whole upper torso twisted (seriously), and my hiatal hernia came back, which signals nausea and extreme heartburn. The whole upper left side of my back ached. Then THAT moved up into my shoulders and neck, as of last week or so. Nothing would help that soreness, front and back. Then it moved into my neck, so that even if I just turned my head I'd feel a shooting pain. Then onto the BACK of my head, where the prominent bump on the right was felt, sore to the touch. Then the tingling all over my head.

Now, at this point you may be saying, "Well, that's probably all just stress from the campaign and from all of your traveling. It's the change of seasons. It's flu season, that's the natural way that the muscle stress is felt - it travels." But I will respectfully disagree with all of those answers, seeing as how this cycle has been occurring with any degree of severity for the past 2 years. That's how come I've learned to become a little more confident and comfortable with it all, uncomfortable as it is. How come nobody's talking about this incredible recent energy shift? I wondered that, then I figured out that it was so powerful, many people who would be the ones normally talking about it (myself included) were enmeshed in simply getting through it. It's a little harder this time to step out of the experience and write about it, but I'm doing that today.

Hopefully what eventually happens is that you become accustomed to your body's unique way of integrating these new energies, and you can relax and enter into that state of openness that seems to make the whole process go more smoothly and be less difficult on your body. Think flood passing through your house. It's far better (and advised) to open up your doors and all your windows and simply allow the water to flow through unhindered. Otherwise, if you lock the doors and bar the windows the water will come anyway, but now it will crash through and destroy your home. I know that sounds a little harsh, but that's the picture I keep getting to explain the energy cycles. Again, I don't think it's imperative that you agree with my exact wording, but see if you are FEELING any of the things I talk about, then you can make your own sense out of it. Use whatever language you want - in the end, it's all the same, no matter the language.

I think the reason it seems as if everything's falling apart is because, well, it is. Anything old, anything that doesn't work, is dishonest or cruel or mean or hypocritical - all gone with a sweep of the hand. Go ahead and try to hold onto something that isn't supposed to be there. You'll only get tired, and in the end you'll still see that thing leaving your life. I don't know again, about YOU, but that's what I'm seeing. For example - our lives. We've been essentially doing the same things for the past 20 years, and now we stand poised for everything to change. We ask ourselves - will we move out of this house? Will we move out of this town? Will we move out of the state? Will Steve change jobs? Will I move more into writing, less out of teaching? I know I'll still see clients - that is my love, my passion. But there's a current underneath that's moving us somewhere. It's exciting, and a bit nerve-wracking. I think it's because my inner life is so rich and freeform that I rely on a constant structure in my outer life to bring me balance. When something comes up to challenge that status quo, everything inside of me is like "whoa nelly - lets' just slow this train down, shall we?" But it doesn't do any good. I think this whole process was supposed to go even faster. In fact, I think it WAS going faster, then most of us started really breaking down, freaking out, so the whole thing was s-l-o-w-e-d down to allow for an easier integration.

We are in new territory, doing new things, this integration of higher energies and cleaning out of the accumulated, dense energies that have been layering for millions of years in our physical bodies. But it's necessary, I know it is, otherwise our physical bodies couldn't house any lighter energies (I think of the Bible verse that says, "you can put new wine in old wineskins - the wineskins would burst", or something like that). So I go back to my basic instructions: trust, breathe, be open, be gentle, rest when you need to, and just keep going.

Oh - I was talking about Tammy. Wow. So, the title for today regards the current energy cycle. I ended up with the bump on the back of my head that moved around to both of my temples. She said my sphenoid bones were totally off-balance, the worst she'd ever seen them. The sphenoids are on your temples. I asked her if that could cause my nausea and she said definitely. So then I wonder if everyone else's "flu" symptoms are actually this energy manifesting as an imbalance in the sphenoids as well. There's no way to really tell, unless you have everyone get cranial sacral, and Tammy does tell me that a lot of people come in with the same complaints during the weeks. One week it's lower back pain, the next it's C3 problems (neck), and on. So I think there's a correlation. Does it really matter, in the long run? Not really, because it's all still going to just be continuing, but I think there's power in understanding. If I can understand what's going on, what's happening in my body, and WHY, then I can relax a little more, not worry that I've got cancer, or a tumor, or liver problems, or whatever you may think is associated with a current feeling you're having. It all changes, don't you see? One day it's your stomach, then it's your knees, then it's your neck, so you KNOW you're fine, physically - it's just the energetic things that are unfolding. And THAT you can deal with, right?

ch-ch-ch-changes

It's everywhere - this call to change. Whether it's the balancing of the inner and outer - what we say vs. what we do (see articles on New York's governor) to bringing to light that which was previously hidden (see articles on Obama's former pastor's thoughts). It seems as if everyone's up in arms about something - things aren't going right, we don't feel well (I'm STILL feeling queasy, achey and tired, and I never get sick), people are acting crazy, the stock market's puking. Is everything still all right, is all still well with the world? I answer yes, and here's why: if we are to create something new, something old HAS to come down. You can't keep building over the top of the old. Eventually the whole thing will crumble, especially if the old is out-of-date or broken. So what in our lives is broken or out-of-date? I can only speak for myself, and it seems like there's a LOT of old stuff out there. The way I think about my "enemy" or opponent is just one example.

I had the occasion to sit with a client and look at a difficult relationship she was in. Oddly enough, I'd had run-ins with this same person, so it was an interesting exercise for me to set aside my personal feelings and go to that neutral place where we're all connected, a place where I could drop my stories and convictions and resentments. And the great thing was - I felt fabulous being in that place. Which makes me think, why do I ever choose NOT to be in that unity place all of the time? I don't know the answer to that, other than to put forth the theory that we're programmed to be where we are, and it takes some time and practice to move ourselves permanently to another place, to another viewpoint. That's what I'm thinking, anyway. Change is crucial, but change can also be difficult, such as changing where we put our car keys. If it's an automatic thing that we throw them in the basket by the door, it may take a while to become conscious of the fact that now they're hanging on the nail. Automatic actions are necessary, but not for every aspect of our lives. Maybe it's time to look at the changes taking place within my own life, and see what I can become more conscious about. All while still leaving some things automatic. I don't want to have to take 2 hours to get dressed every morning, do you?

chocolate crepes and breast cancer

It's on my list: learn to make crepes, so last night Bill wanted donuts.

"I tried before, they didn't turn out so well, plus we don't have any oil," I told him.

He continued on, trying different tacks, wanting fresh donuts.

"How about crepes?" I asked.

"Uhm, sure," he answered, not knowing what crepes were.

I raced upstairs, to get the three recipes I'd downloaded from foodtv.com (I'm a foody - love Rachel Ray and Giada, plus they've got great recipes). I thought I'd try the simplest one from Paula Dean (I had all the ingredients, too). I found my biggest saute pan, melted the 6 tablespoons of butter, whisked the 3 eggs, 3/4 cup flour, 1 1/3 cup skim milk (plus a touch of organic heavy whipping cream, just in case), and 3 tablespoons of cocoa powder. It seems awfully thin, but since I'd never made them before, I had nothing to compare it to.

I greased up my saute pan with a touch of butter, then poured the 1/4 cup of batter in. I could see teeny bits of dark from the unwhisked cocoa powder, and touches of unwhisked flour, but oh well - the recipe said small lumps were okay. I waited with my blue rubber spatula in my hand, for the edges to start to curl - there they were, curling. It was like magic to me. So I slid my spatula under one side of the crepe and tried to loosen it from the bottom of the pan. Paula said it only takes 30 seconds to cook, and I was pretty sure it had been 30 seconds already. Rats - the crepe kept ripping every time I tried to flip it. Steve came in, grabbed our big honking gray spatula and expertly flipped the crepe over. It held together - I was amazed.

"Now you'll just have to stand here while I do all the rest," I told him. He smiled and left the kitchen.

Really, now what was I supposed to do? I flipped the first crepe, albeit with a couple of good-sized rips, onto the plate and dipped the 1/4 cup measuring cup into the batter to start again. I found that I didn't need to keep oiling the pan, what with 6 tablespoons of melted butter in the batter (those crazy French). Now I found my rhythm - I waited until the edges curled, ran my blue spatula all around the edge, shook the pan a little until the crepe moved, then used the big gray spatula to turn it over. 10 beautiful crepes later, and I was dancing around the kitchen. I don't know if it was because they were so perfectly beautiful, or if it was because I had accomplished one of my goals, or if I was craving carbs. I don't care - I was happy. I got out the red plastic scoop and filled it with powdered sugar, powdered a crepe, rolled it up, and brought it, warm, to Bill. He dutifully ate it, but declared it kind of blah-tasting. Steve, too. I thought it was heavenly, and I DO recognized that you're supposed to actually FILL the crepes with something - that's the nature of crepes - to be the vehicle through which the rest of the culinary dish is carried, kind of like tortillas or lettuce.

Standing in the kitchen washing up the saute pan, the phone rang. It was my friend Kim from Mayville, the one who's going to walk the half marathon with me. We've got matching t-shirts that read "Wild Women Walking" on the front, with our names on the back. Man, we're going to look hot come the middle of May. When I'd first asked her to join me in the half marathon, she told me she'd walked the Avon 3 Day 60 mile walk last year, and had loved it. I told her I'D wanted to do that last year, but hadn't known anyone. She said it was too late to start training and raising funds for this year, but we promised each other we'd do it NEXT year. But her phone call last night told a different story.

"I have a friend up here who had breast cancer 15 years ago," she told me. "Now it's back. I want to walk. Will you walk with me?"

Call me crazy, blame it on the chocolate crepes, but I instantly said yes, and we both started crying a little, relieved, scared, sad, happy, determined. Train to walk 60 miles in 3 days? Will my knees and back and hips take it? Will I have enough time? Can I raise the $2200 necessary to enter?

You know what? I don't know the answers to any of those questions. All I know is that life is short, and you have to grab it by the horns (or other body parts) and hang on and just go for it. Whether it's learning how to make crepes, or walking a half marathon, or walking 60 miles, or running for Public Service Commissioner (and giving up everything to help someone do it) - life is a hands-on sport, it's a contact sport, and I've been resting on the sidelines for too long. NO MORE. I'm present, I'm here, and I'm going to be kicking some life butt and taking names. Just watch me. Wait - don't just watch me - kick your OWN life butt... and take names.

love me tender

Relationships. It doesn't matter if they're with your parents, your kids, your friends, business associates, husbands or wives. We're all in relationships. And sometimes we take them for granted. Sometimes we aren't very kind. Sometimes we yell. Sometimes we hit. Sometimes we leave. I got it twice today, this relationship stuff, and it came from two different arenas. One was a story that makes me cry just thinking about it, of an alcoholic and his wife, and the pain he's caused her. Steve says we forgive, because the man's trying not to be like that anymore, and he's wiser than I am about this, because he's walked the walk for 25 years. But me? I ask my husband, "So what if he starts drinking again and beats the crap out of his wife again? Do you forgive him again?" I have to take a deep breath.

Then I get a call from a friend who knows someone who's on their third marriage. He started out nicely enough (again), but now that things are stressful, he's starting to take it out on his wife. I know her - she's so sweet, really quiet, just takes what she gets. My friend wants to do an intervention - I feel sorry for the wife. Steve's in the back room watching TV. I stand in the doorway and ask him if he loves me.

"Yes," he says, smiling that beautiful smile at me.

"Am I a good person?" I ask, needily.

"Yes, you're a good sh**," he says (that's a great compliment, trust me).

"Are you glad you married me? Am I good to you?" I ask so many questions.

"Yes, very glad, and I'll never leave you," he adds for good measure (he's SUCH a good boy).

Where does this come from, I wonder, with tears in my eyes? This sudden realization that things could be a lot, LOT worse, and I don't always appreciate or realize how good I've got it with this smart, sweet, loving man that I share my life with. And why do I even think I NEED to think about it? Well, because I think about EVERYTHING, especially when I feel it, right, BAM, in my gut, right above my belly button. The tenderness of family, the trust, how we can positively screw up our children by making them witness our stupidity. How we get the valuable opportunity of being gentle in every encounter, being patient and kind, and how I think of how most of the time I am those things (I hope), but sometimes I am not, and that makes me sad. I don't drink, I don't hit people, but I most certainly take things out on Steve and Billy sometimes. Usually, though, I try just to stay away and be silent, so I don't do or say anything hurtful, until I can get rested, or calm down.

So I'm curious as to why I'm so angry at these two men I've heard about today, and I know it isn't always men, but a lot of time it seems to be them, and the women are the quieter ones trying to smooth things over, make them work, and I think Steve and I are equals in that regard - he lets me do my crazy stuff, but doesn't let me go totally over the edge. He gently reels me back in by asking pointed questions, challenging me. And I support him. I love him, I do, and it's really good. So today in the sun and the warmth, I am thinking about love, and about why we choose to stay with the people we stay with, even if they hurt us. And I have trust that everyone will leave when they need to leave, knowing they are strong enough, and worth enough, to be treated with respect and consideration, and above all, to be loved very tenderly.

investments

We've talked about buying land in Montana for years now - somewhere south of Missoula, somewhere pretty. Steve's brother is a realtor in Montana, so he's been keeping his eye on the market for us. When he called to tell us about the 14 acres in the BItterroot Valley, and the price (ridiculously low), we sat up a little straighter. So the thought now becomes - do we take advantage of this sudden opportunity to buy our dream land?

We aren't looking to turn around and sell it for a profit - we want to build on it and have a place to go to every year. Let me tell you about it - it's on the Bitterroot River, there's a stream running through it (hey - "A River Runs Through It" - only 400 miles east of this place), and a pond on the property. There are pine trees and mountains, and it looks positively dreamy from the pictures. Steve calls it "boy heaven." Billy doesn't know what that means, but I do. There's a boy heaven close to Moorhead, a secret little tuckaway alongside a slowly moving stream, surrounded by trees. You can just lay in the 4 inch deep running water, or swim in the 4 feet of water to the other side. You can catch frogs or look at plants. The feminist in me says, "Hey - boy heaven? How about girl heaven? Or kid heaven?" But I understand his logic. He has an older brother - they used to go out exploring all day long, doing that traditionally boy stuff in Miles City. He doesn't mean to be sexist - he's just feeling that juicy feeling of nature and the possible. And besides, my man is nothing less than a full-fledged GUY.

So we signed the papers this morning. It makes me nervous, but then again, pledging amounts of money always makes me nervous, even if I know it's a sound investment, and even if it's what I want to be doing. The conservative side tells me to keep the money in my portfolio, even if the people in charge of the portfolio are losing me a ton of money. I don't know a lot about real estate. But I kind of know Montana, and I know that land is getting bought up very fast by the Californians, and especially around the Bitterroot Valley. It's so beautiful down there. When we go I'll take pictures. We've got our RV and our Rice Krispie bars (okay, maybe our granola bars), and we're ready to travel in a few months.

So the question then could become: what do we invest in? Our time, our money, our energy. What's important to us? How do we determine what's important to us? Sometimes I just DO stuff without thinking about it, and that's probably not always such a good idea, either. I could be more conscious, more aware, more purposeful. Like right now - I'm still in my jammies (give me a break - it's only 8:45), but soon I will get up and have 1 1/2 hours until my first client of the day. How will I fill that time? I could needlepoint (Mom gave me 5 beautiful needlepoint pieces to do that she couldn't finish because of her macular degeneration - I used to needlepoint all the time, so don't think I'm a nerd - okay, so maybe I AM a nerd), I could finish writing Steve's postcard and letter information, I could work on next week's column, I could read, I could rest (I'm still feeling kinda crappy), but I really don't know at this moment. I may just sit here and think about what's important to me, what are my priorities, what I invest in. And occasionally sneak a peek at the pictures of our "boy heaven" that Jimmy sent. And dream.

inside and out

Generally, typically, and most of the time, Susie, it's those who consider themselves to be the least spiritually mature who are the most, and vice versa.
Holy cow,
The Universe

That's the thought of the day from the Universe (found on tut.com - check it out), and it's got me thinking about so many things. I'm thinking about Client Number 9 and the 22 year old call girl. I'm thinking about what CN9 stood for, how others were angered at his high and mightiness when it came to ethics. I'm thinking about the $80,000 he spent on call girls last year, I'm thinking about his wife, standing by his side looking tired and in shock. I'm thinking about the 22 year old girl's mother (I have a 22 year old, so the mother and I are probably close to the same age). I'm thinking about the energy behind standing on a soapbox and telling everybody about how holy and spiritual and good you are. I'm thinking about the hundreds (maybe thousands) of clients I've spoken with that don't think they're as spiritual as other people for any number of reasons, only to have me tell them ALL of the beautiful ways they ARE highly spiritual (one of them being what I call practical spirituality - it's more important to just LIVE your spirituality than to talk about it or convince others of how spiritual you are). So I sit here this morning thinking about karma - it was even the point of one of Bill's cartoons last night, as the poor boy refused to give $3 to a save-the-kitty fund, and all sorts of horrible stuff kept happening to him. His friend explained karma to him like this: "You do something bad, something bad happens to you. You do something good, and something good happens to you." I don't know if it's that simple, but I DO believe in the concept of karma as a universal balancing phenomenon. If you lean too far too the right, the left HAS to come at you to help you return to the middle again.

How am I hypocritical in my own life? Do I spend time TELLING others about how spiritual I am, rather than just living it? Do I act like I'm spiritual, then do mean things behind closed doors? (Okay, for the record - the other night I was TIRED when I said that thing to Steve - you'd understand if you were there) I sincerely try to walk that middle road between listening to what I'm saying and weighing it against my actions. I think the Universe just bites you in the butt otherwise, and I've had that happen plenty of times to know it's true for me. So the Universe says, "those who are the most spiritual are those who don't consider themselves to be, and vice versa." They're the ones down in the trenches, just doing it, while others are speaking ABOUT it. I remember hearing from a VERY wealthy person once that a friend of hers had just lost her husband to a really sad disease (okay, I guess they're ALL sad, but the fact that he died was sad, I guess). Then she found out she had to have all of her teeth worked on for some reason, and it would cost thousands of dollars. This wealthy friend then proceeded to tell me about how brave her friend was, and how faithful, and how she prayed and never lost her faith, and all I could think of was, "You've got millions of dollars - why don't you just PAY for your friend's teeth?" because that's what I would've done. Now I border on that soapbox thing as I say that I've anonymously sent several friends money for things over the years, without any expectation of being paid back. A friend needed a procedure to find out why she couldn't get pregnant, another, well, I can't write anymore because they're all current friends, then they'd know it was me, and that kind of negates the anonymity concept, doesn't it?

It doesn't matter, none of this really matters, except that it's brought up to me over and over again, so I'm paying attention. This concept of karma and balancing our insides with our outsides, making sure we're conscientious enough to keep them relatively balanced. It's only when they get unbalanced that the Universe seems to sweep in and bring the balance, no matter the consequences. And if we've let it go on too long, this imbalance, the more people seem to get hurt, and the harsher the outcome. I don't especially like those times, so I'm thinking about all of that today. Today I want to let go of expectations, resentments, past hurts and memories ("Why should I help when they never helped me?" kind of thoughts), and ask myself this: "Who am I today? Who am I right now? Am I living who I am and say I am right now?" That may be a good Secret to hear and think about. And I'm sending love to Client Number 9, and his wife, and the 22 year old girl, and anybody else affected by this difficult karmic event.

hopes and dreams

Interesting - I answered a question last week about a 22 year old feeling aimless and drifting, then received an e-mail from an older woman asking for clarification on the same issue, then read an article in this month's "Body and Soul" that talked about the exact same thing. What I thought was fascinating was that the article recommended to do almost exactly what I told the reader to do in my column. What was that? Remember what you loved to do when you were a child, and how fearless and full of possibility you felt, then make a current list to draw inspiration from. I sort of do that - what I do is make a short list of little, medium, AND big things, then work on at least one from each category at the same time. So my big thing is training to walk the half marathon. It gets me up in the morning, and out to Concordia or the Y, it revs me up and is helping my butt look better (not that that's why I'm doing it, but still...). I've got my list of books I'm working my way through (I'm almost done with "Three Cups of Tea" and am ready to start "The Spectrum Diet" by Dean Ornish). I'm still researching how best to learn Italian (that's a really big one), as well as how to make crepes and the perfect pie crust (I've been working on that for at least 15 years, if anyone has any helpful hints, I'd be grateful to hear them).

I'm not feeling so scattered today, but am still feeling like there is a LOT of work to be done, combining my care of Bill AND being Steve's campaign manager, but I must say, I'm pretty good at it, and that's really teaching me a lot about myself, AND it's fun. It's ALL fun, really, just a lot. The alarm clock woke me up this morning just as I was slam dunking a basketball during an important game. I told Billy that, and he didn't quite grasp the importance of that dream. You see, I used to play basketball, so the fact that that image comes up in dreams is not surprising. For the past 10 years, however, I could never play basketball in my dreams. I would forget my shoes, or my uniform, or I'd quit the team, or I was out of shape, or I couldn't catch the ball, or run, or run in slow motion - you get the idea. So the very fact that I jumped up for a rebound, flew through the air, and slammed that ball right into the rim like an NBA player really meant something in my life. What? I'm not fully sure yet, but I'm excited to find out.

So I will use this blog to post my list of dreams today. I'll start it and add to it as I go. I think I need to remember and focus on some of those things again, as life gets real, well, life-like sometimes. So, here goes:

Susie's List of Dreams (the short AND long of it)
1. Learn Italian
2. Go to England, Spain, France, Austria, Switzerland, Germany and Italy in one long 3 week trip
3. Go to Andy Weil's ranch in Arizona
4. Go to Miravel Spa (maybe study with Wyatt for the Equine Experience, too)
5. Go to Mount Shasta
6. Write my memoirs
7. Write my young adult spiritual series books
8. Be on Oprah (or if she's not around, some other similar talk show)
9. Meet Stephen Colbert (maybe give him a hug or handshake)
10.Meet Stephen King (don't ask why - I just want to, okay?)
11. Have a huge organic garden
12. Learn to can
13. Become an elected official
14. Get every second grader in North Dakota a book
15. Meet the Dali Lama
16. Do walking meditation with Thich Nat Hanh
17. Swim with a dolphin
18. Get really buff arms
19. Volunteer at Hospice again
20. Serve at Churches United for the Homeless on a regular basis

Okay - that's a longer list, but I'll keep going, I promise. It's a good start, these hopes and dreams.

Happy birthday to you

Mom turned 86 yesterday. It's amazing, a miracle, who would've thunk? Not us. She saw her doctor a few days ago, and he said she FAR exceeded his expectations for life expectancy on this new drug. We almost lost her 9 months ago - the time it takes to grow a new baby - that's how much longer we've had her with us on this physical plane. She tries to figure out the greater Purpose, but I don't think that's possible. I think you just have to be grateful and walk on, which she does. Every morning she wakes up and is grateful for another day.

Do I do the same thing? Not now - I wake up with my long "to-do" list for Steve's campaign, and I put my nose down and get to work. Poor Steve - I worked 5 hours on his stuff yesterday, putting everything else in my life aside until after April 1st. It's okay that I do it, I'm committed to helping him, but when I asked him if he'd made calls to delegates, he said no. He has over 700 to call, and only 50 called. He doesn't feel well. I woke up nauseous yesterday morning, and it continues this morning. No morning sickness jokes, please - it's mildly insulting. Melissa and Bill feel queasy, as well. Part of this "in a new energy place" integration sort of thing, but it feels like I'm car sick or air sick - not a pleasant feeling.

I slept deeply, but after 10 1/2 hours, am still tired. So, no, it's not easy to just stay in that relaxed, happy state when I need to make sure I'm on task to get that next letter out. We need help - it's just he and I, and that's okay for now, but after he gets the nomination, we've got to get help. I can't do it - I've got Dad's book and my own work. I wonder if I'll ever do any work that's so important in Steve's eyes that he'd give up his own work for a while to help me with mine. I don't know. I just know that I did it for him, and that's all I can do.

I started this blog happy, but now I'm starting to feel crabby (I typed "cabby" - heck, maybe I'm feeling cabby as well). My tummy hurts, and I've got to write my column and Steve's letter before I go walking and see my clients for the day. Sometimes I just want to hang and drink peppermint tea. I want to feel the grace that Mom feels, without feeling the constraints that her life presents to her right now. I love my mom - I'm so grateful she's still alive, and I'm grateful that she lived to see her 86th birthday. She's outlived her mother by 6 years, and her father by 15. That's pretty good, Mom, pretty good.

drugs drugs everywhere and not a drop to drink

I'm not surprised, are you? 41 million people affected by pharmaceuticals found in drinking water? I'd heard about that years ago, when studies were done to find out why young girls were getting their periods sooner, developing sooner, and getting cancers sooner. Birth control pill hormones excreted into the toilets. I'm not scared, just convinced now, and I'm glad to see that other people are actually looking into it. We can't keep on going like this. I trace it all back to one truth that I'm positively sure of - we cannot do anything that isn't 100% natural. We shouldn't eat it, put it on our body, put it in our water or air or land.

But if we attempt to define "natural" we can get in trouble, so let me try to clarify. As much in its natural state as possible. If it's dug up from the earth, or plucked from a tree. We eat as close to live food as possible, not something sitting in a box on a shelf for 4 years, designed to let it be ABLE to sit for years without spoiling, hence all the preservatives. But I digress.

Pharmaceuticals - I have a headache - I pop an aspirin. I have high cholesterol. I don't need to exercise or watch my weight, or watch what I eat, I just need lipitor. I have heart problems, diabetes, restless leg syndrome, anxiety, depression, arthritis, chronic fatigue syndrome. There are pills for absolutely everything. Now walk into a health food store and look at the shelves. Rows and rows of supplements and homeopathic solutions, healthy food and reference books. Bill had a screaming (emphasis on the screaming) ear ache. Swanson's had white willow bark garlic oil that I heated up and put 3 drops into each ear. He immediately stopped screaming - ear ache gone. He had a sore throat - I gave him honey and lemon and a dehumidifier - sore throat gone. We're a people of quick fixes - now now now, and it's poisoning us. I'm not melodramatic (though I know I can be) - I'm being truthful. Mom is now on 165 pills a week, albeit some of them are supplements. But that's just too much. We're treating one part of our bodies, then another, until all we are are pieces taking pills. What happened to the whole person? That's why I love naturopathic medicine so much - they treat the WHOLE system, not just parts. The theory is that our body is uber-intelligent, and given our support, will take care of us just fine. "Medicines" don't heal or cure, they just mask and shut up our body's mechanisms, block them from doing their work, shut them down. And I believe that.

So we're slowing shutting down our bodies by inhibiting them from doing their work. We're not asking, "How can I help you today?" We're saying "Shut up and get back to work - I don't want to hear any bitching from you," and we pop an aspirin. I had a really tough headache the other day, and I thought, "in past years I would've taken a Tylenol for it," but I realized I hadn't taken any OTC's in over 2 years, and no meds (except for one that I quit 1 1/2 years ago) for almost 5 years. I wasn't about to start. Instead, I took some deep breaths, moved into my headache, moved into my head, sat with it, felt what it felt like, massaged my temples and my whole head, realized I was under some stress, apologized to my head, then just stayed in my body. Mary Struck once told me that we judge our pains by saying they're bad. Why not just accept and acknowledge that we feel all sorts of different ways, and that not one way is better than another? When we do that, we're judging, and it seems to make it worse. So I do that, and the dialogue goes something like this:

"I'm feeling achey and hot right now - my throat is sore - I feel tired."

That's it. Now, "YUCK - I'm sick - I feel horrible - I need to feel better."

This is the way I feel now. Later I'll feel differently. Now, what about people with REAL problems? Severe heart problems? Bad diabetes? Am I saying to not give them meds? One of the things I'm passionate about is education, and including exercise, nutrition and alternative help for ALL medical "problems." I think most "problems" are CAUSED, or at least exacerbated, by unhealthy lifestyles. It's never too late - high fructose corn syrup, excess salt, white flours, inactivity, stress. Heck - just eliminating those as much as possible will improve your life immensely.

It's not too late, but gosh, I hate hearing about about these drugs in our water - it's sad to me. If it affects us (and I know it does), what's it doing to the rest of the wildlife? Sigh. So that's my thoughts for the day. NO MORE DRUGS. Hugs and snugs.

Sunday dinner

We invited my niece Rachel over for dinner tonight - homemade pork eggrolls, sweet and sour sauce (the thick kind with pineapple chunks in it), and fried rice. Then Steve informed me he'd be in Tuttle speaking. No worries, I thought, we'll still have Rachel over - it will be fun - just the four of us. Then Rachel e-mailed - she's sick, and can't come to dinner. No worries, I thought, we'll still have the three of us. So I cooked the onions, added the pork, then the oyster sauce, cabbage, carrots, bean sprouts and water chestnuts. I tried something new this time - I drained the whole batch in a colander to get the excess moisture out, then stored it out in the garage to cool it down a touch before I put the rolls together. The other times I think the insides were too hot, and the steam cut open the wrappers. I put the brown rice on to cook, cut up the green onions for the rice, got the eggs out, and assembled the plate and paper towels to stack the rolls.

I put the cornstarchy wrapper on the plate, then spooned a big glop of the mix into the middle. I wet my finger with cornstarch mixed with water and ran it along the whole outside edge, then wrapped the eggroll like a diaper. One down, 26 to go. I put a whole big bottle of canola oil on to heat to 350 degrees, careful to tell Bill to stay out of the kitchen for a while. That high heated oil really makes me nervous. I could cook 9 rolls at a time, pausing to scramble the eggs for the rice and let Rusty in from outside. I tented the rolls with foil to keep them warm, then mixed the scrambled eggs, green onions, bean sprouts and tamari sauce into the rice and stirred it all around. I made a double batch of everything but the sweet and sour sauce - I QUADRUPLED that (don't ask me why - I don't know). I put the sauce into a two-cup measuring cup and put it on the table, set it with three plates, three spoons, and three cups. Just Erik, Bill and me - that's a cozy Sunday dinner, isn't it? With all 27 rolls done, I dished us up, then called Bill to the table. We sat for a minute or two, waiting for Erik. But he didn't come. Finally, we ate without him. Just the two of us.

"That wasn't a very good Sunday dinner, " Bill said kind of sadly when we were done.

"Oh, I think it was," I replied. "Any time you and I are together is a party and a half."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Bill said, "Only I wish Dad were here, and Rachel, and Erik."

"Yeah, that would've been nice," I said, "but sometimes things are different, and that's okay, too, isn't it?"

"Yeah, I suppose it is," Bill said, taking another bite of his eggroll.

let there be peace on earth

and let it begin with me. I drove home from Minneapolis just in time to drive over to Concordia and hear Greg Mortenson speak. He's the subject of "Three Cups of Tea," which has been number one on New York Time's Bestseller list for I think 51 weeks or so. An amazing book - I am humbled, awed, and inspired, to say the least. I had to sit WAY in the back, as I got there late (too late to have him sign a book for Dad, who really wanted to come, but couldn't leave Mom), and by the time it was over and we made our way out, there was already a throng of people around him, so I didn't think I could go meet him then, either.

He was a shy man, a quiet man, and totally didn't look like the type of man that would have done all the things he's done - climbing Mount Kilaminjaro at age 11, building 65 schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan, getting kidnapped for 8 days, getting interrogated by the CIA, and on it goes. He lives in Bozeman with his wife and two children, so hopefully we'll get the chance to pop in and say hey the next time we're on our way to Missoula.

His whole point is that education will end the hatred and violence, and especially education of girls, because they're the ones that raise the children to become peaceful, they're the one that can encourage compassion and acceptance. And I agree. It all makes me feel like I'm not doing enough in my life to make a difference in the world. Mags and I were talking about that this morning - how we feel like we're treading water, not getting enough (or anything) done, of feeling stagnant. Maybe we have too high expectations for our lives? Maybe what we think is important really isn't that important, and we need to sit down and do some re-evaluating? Maybe it's time just to rest for a while and not run around wildly so much? I don't know. I know that raising Bill takes a lot of time and energy, as does raising the rest of the kids, for that matter. No matter how old they are, they're still your kids. And I know that being Steve's campaign manager is taking up a lot of my energy, as well as helping Mom and Dad. But when I think about all of the things I want to do, and am not doing, I wonder if that's a good thing.

Then I think that all of these things that are taking my time and energy have a time limit to them. And everything continues to change and evolve. Nothing is the same today as it will be tomorrow, I know that from experience. So why do I feel this deep frustration that I'm supposed to be doing something more than I'm doing right now, and I don't know what that is. So I suppose the only thing I can do is surrender to the Greater, and just say this simple prayer: "Use me as you think best. Show me the way that I should walk. Give me direction and energy for my greater Work. I will wait patiently."

So, patiently (well, sort of) I sit here today, looking around at my cluttered and messy house, thinking I should clean, tidy up, make things perfect, but feeling tired after my travels, only wanting to rest, but still feeling restless, restless. If Greg Mortenson can travel halfway around the world and build 65 schools, what in the heck am I doing? I don't know. But until I DO know, I'll strive to remain peaceful about it all, until I get my next assignment.

Rest

It's supposed to be another day of rest in my half marathon training, but I went to Concordia and decided to walk the bigger track. I called my sister, and we talked for an hour. I logged almost 10,000 steps just from that - some rest, I'm thinking. The beef stroganoff smelled delicious in the crock pot when I walked in the door, but it seemed as if I swandived from one thing to the next all day, not stopping until right now, at 7:36PM. I'm not complaining, I'm just amazed and slightly dizzy as I look at everything I'm supposed to be doing, and don't have the energy to do. I don't know how others do it, with too much on their plates. Melissa says I'm doing too much, but it's okay - I love being busy.

Bill's a townskid in the Missoula Children's Theatre's production of the Pied Piper. Although he doesn't get to take a script home, he does have speaking lines. He's pretty fired up. He'll miss basketball on Saturday, though, and was sad about that. Steve's website is up and running (thanks, Phil), so check it out at www.steverisher.com. What am I feeling today? Tired right now, wanting to put my jammies on, and cuddle with Bill, so that's the next step. Am I worried about anything at this moment? Nope - I'm drifting in this lovely place of no-worries that I usually manage to stay in most of the time. Why bother when there's not much you can do about anything until it comes up in front of you. How will you know how you'll feel about something? When my mom dies? When Steve gets the PSC party's nomination? When I'm sitting in the dentist's chair? When I go to sleep tonight?

Speaking of, STRANGE dreams lately. Anyone feeling it? Wow - like they're real, but so odd that as soon as you wake up, you go, "Whoooo - that was weird." I can't even remember last night's dreams, but I DO remember that they WERE weird. Good times. I AM having a little difficulty getting clients scheduled for appointments, like I don't know if I'll be in town and available, or I'll have to ditch out to Bismarck and have to re-schedule. What to do? I have no idea, seriously - I keep reinventing my life, so I guess I shouldn't expect myself to be too predictable at any point. That's pretty boring in my book, anyway. Keep it all fresh. I'm rambling, which is how my head feels about now, so it's off to jammyland and a little cuddle time. I can't wait to hear what happens to Molly Moon and her hypnotism book (the book Bill and I are reading right now). Sweet dreams, not odd dreams, to you.

okra

"I've known your parents for 26 years," she said as we stood side by side at the island, me chopping up a carrot, her, an onion.

She slid them into the frying pan and added a little olive oil.

"I was working as a waitress at a restaurant, and your father and his friends would come in all of the time. I would get so excited when they'd come because they were so nice to me."

I rinsed the celery under the tap, while she diced the garlic sprinkled with dried dill.

"Then they left for Florida, and we were so sad," she said. "They stayed away for a year, but then they came back. By that time I had quit waitressing, had gone back to school, and was now working at the hospital. That was where we saw your mom again. I called my husband, and we were so excited."

She put the cut up celery and garlic into the pan, along with some peeled zucchini and cut up blanched tomato. She closed the lid and turned to me. I was sitting on a chair across from her.

"They are our family. We don't get back to Africa very often. Your parents..." she said.

My eyes teared up.

"They are SUCH good people," I whispered to her.

She took my hands, tears in her eyes, and we just sat there holding hands for a while.

She smiled at me, her brown eyes crinkling up just a touch around the edges, and slipped the okra into the pan and closed the lid again.