4 Things that Matter Most (and some other stuff)

Okay - I'll start with the other stuff, as it's really puzzling. Steve (and I) have been working our butts off with this campaign since January. We've contacted people, written e-mails, letters, postcards - gotten cards, driven all over the state, and on. Hundreds and hundreds of hours trying to get the word out. Then the Forum comes out with an article this morning stating that there are only TWO candidates for the PSC nomination. Oopsies - they forgot to mention Steve. When Steve called the reporter this morning, her exact words were, "Yeah - I forgot." That's it? She's a political reporter and she forgot one of the candidates for an important statewide election, one that has been in the papers for the past three months, with THREE candidates? Okay, I'm pissed. Really, I am - hard not to be. She's either purposefully leaving Steve out, or she's ignorant - either scenario is not acceptable journalism. So I sit here trying to figure out what to do with all of this. I don't need any more stress right now, but it seems as if we've been fighting on so many fronts. I wonder - is the fighting to strengthen our resolve, or is the opposition a sign that we shouldn't be doing this?

I know it can work either way. And my heart and gut tell me that this is a GOOD thing, and that Steve will be a great PSC, and North Dakota will be lucky to get his public service. And yet - this is so unfair and intense. So I tune in to this reporter's energy, and it looks like she just doesn't care about it. She doesn't see why it would make that much of a difference, and it doesn't matter that she left him off the line-up. It looks like she's smart, but also a little judgmental and narrow-minded. I don't know what else to do with that, except try to find compassion where it is sorely missing at the moment. I want to scream and swear and tell her, "Do you have any idea how hard we've worked, then you just negate Steve's efforts? How would YOU feel if someone did that to you?" but I don't think it would matter to her. I don't know - I'll keep you updated if I figure anything else out about it. This is admittedly a tough one, and if I can come to bat spiritually, I know I'll be a better person because of it. But right now, well, I'm still feeling really human, not so much spiritual.

On to sweeter things: a friend recommended the book "The Four Things that Matter Most" by Ira Byock. I started reading it. The premise is simple: in order to bring closure with those who are dying, or to improve your relationships with those loved ones who are living, you need to have a conversation that includes these four sentences:

I love you.
I'm sorry.
Please forgive me.
I forgive you.

11 words - he also adds "good-bye" for a total of 12 words. I didn't know if it could be that simple, but with what we're facing with Mom, I really took the time yesterday to think if I had any regrets, or anything I'd like to say to mom. I found two tough times. I thought about them - I looked at my side, at their sides (my parents), and at anyone else's side who was involved. The first situation someone doing something unkind to me when I was younger. I know Mom and Dad felt badly about it, and we'd talked about it a lot, but I'd never said what I was about to say to Mom. Out of respect for those involved, I haven't divulged the nature of the unkindness.

"Mom - I love you. I'm sorry about what happened when I was younger. I realize that I was partly to blame because I wanted attention, and I realize that I caused you and Dad heartache and pain. I'm sorry I upset you. Please forgive me. I forgive you."

I instantly started crying. Unbelievable - it happened 33 years ago, but there it was - but I'd said some things in a new way, and she was free to talk about it. Yes, she knows I love her, yes, she felt horrible about what happened, and for goodness sakes, she doesn't need to forgive me. I'd forgiven her a long time ago, because as a parent I know that we do the absolute best that we know how to do in the moment, and we can't keep beating ourselves up for the rest of our lives for things we wished we'd done differently. Then I moved onto the second thing.

At the end of my first marriage, I decided to not talk to my family for a while, to try to get things straight between my husband and me. That lasted almost 7 months, and I know it caused my whole family great pain, but I also knew that it was necessary, because I knew that if I broke off with them for a while, I could see clearly what the real truth was. The conversation with Mom went like this:

"Mom - I'm so sorry about those 7 months that we didn't talk. I know it caused you all great pain, and for that I am truly sorry. But I think it helped me walk peacefully toward my divorce, so even though the end result was good, I know it was hard for you. Please forgive me."

I didn't tell her I forgave her, because in that case she didn't do anything. I won't tell you what she said, because her words haunt me still. It didn't have anything to do with me, but DID have to do with my ex-husband. How do I feel now? Like I've said what needed to be said, even though I thought it was okay (and it really is), now it's for REAL okay, because I bucked up and just talked about those things, instead of assuming it was all okay. Now I can have peace knowing we talked about it honestly, and got it out in the open. I feel relieved. It's a really good exercise, and one that I'll probably do with my dad next. After I get over that last conversation with my mom. I love her so much - she's so open and willing to talk about anything, and I know she loves me, just because. What a rarity, what a gift. I am so blessed.

Thank you, Mom, for allowing me to have that conversation with you, about the 4 things that matter most. It was important - I'm proud of myself for having the courage to talk about those two things, and I'm proud of Mom for being willing to talk about them (again). Powerful stuff.

In case I don't get on to blog tomorrow (too busy cooking ham and scalloped potatoes), have a blessed Easter holidays. I'll post my picture of our annual Jesus cake. No matter your religion (or non-religion), spring is a time of renewal and fresh beginnings, a time of miracles seen through the first green poking up bravely through the white (we just had a mini-blizzard yesterday and today). So celebrate - whether it's buying a plant for your kitchen sill, or planting a few bulbs and saying thanks, or hugging your friend. Or eating a cookie - it's all very very good.