tired

If you think you're going to find something energetic and enthusiastic in me today, you are mistaken. I feel tired, soul tired, from the inside out. It is as if someone has died. It is as if you give up everything for three months, trying to help, then at the end of it, someone dies. You're left with nothing, and you don't know what to do next. How do you pick up your life and just go on, when everything feels different? Like you've been slung by a giant rubber band out into the middle of the ocean, then left adrift, stranded in the middle of nowhere. At least BEFORE you knew where you were - you had your bearings, everything was familiar.

Now I feel deserted, alone, sad, aching for Steve. He came home at lunch, icing his hernia, just wanting to rest. All I wanted to do was cuddle up next to him and tell him that I loved him. I wanted to write a note and stick it on the front door that read, "I love you and I'm so proud of you," but what did I do instead? Get bitchy because he hadn't unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it back up again. Just one more thing for me to do, to be in charge of, and frankly, well, I'm tired of having to do it all. And I know it's not ALL, but it's making Bill's lunch, giving him his shower, reading to him, cuddling him, watching him play his video games, grocery shopping, laundry, picking up, cooking, nothing stops or even slows down - it's just dovetailing into more work, and sometimes it's just too much, you know?

I don't expect a parade, I don't expect applause, I don't want Steve to thank me, I don't want anything, really, just a little break. Just a little break - just something spectacular to come along and affirm that everything we've been doing these past 47 years has been for something GOOD, and NOT just our "rewards in heaven," oh no - I'm not at that point right now - I want some rewards RIGHT DOWN HERE ON EARTH. And if you mention "The Secret" or trying too hard (it's all so easy) or just having the right attitude, then I might just have to yell at you. It's NOT one-sidedly "easy" - it's complete, whole, 360 degrees of feeling every emotion and embracing the experiences. It isn't sugar-coating or running away or medicating - it's about uncovering the very kernel of yourself and having the guts to get mad, to ask questions, to keep coming back to it. It's about being honest.

Is that seriously too much to ask? Perhaps. I don't know anything today, as I sit here, needing to go to Penney's to return Bill's shorts then get some groceries for dinner tonight. I don't know, really - I won't turn my back on everything and everybody, tempting though it feels, I've been through too much to be that silly, but I WANT TO, really I do - just get dramatic and say, "Well, I'll be in my room ... for the next year!" but I can't do that for some reason. I can't get into a victim mode - don't get me wrong - I'm pretty upset right now, but I'm not mad at specifically ANYONE, for I chose to do what I did these past months, without any assurances of outcome. My eyes were wide open. I wanted to support my husband and his dream. But there's just something in my gut today, and I haven't quite figured it out yet, so not knowing, I won't write anymore. But thanks for listening to my rant anyway - after all, I'm only human...