... what dreams may come

I dreamt that there was a bowl full of cut up Pop Tarts, and I was eating blueberry ones with sprinkles on top. I told myself I could eat one little bite of each kind. There was vanilla ice cream involved, as well, but I didn't eat any of that. This isn't the first sugar-eating dream I've had. I've devoured pans of brownies, scraped my tongue on the bottom of fudge plates, smelled Snickers when I woke up. Steve says it's probably what alcoholics experience when they sober up - years later they can still dream they're drinking, and wake up smelling the alcohol. It still disturbs me sometimes, because I really DON'T want to eat unhealthy food anymore, but it's like my brain's saying, "Heck yes - pop some of those M&M's right in the ol' moutharooskie." So I'm resigned to the fact that while my mind and body say "yes yes" to healthy eating, my subconscious mind slinks out at night and raids the pantry in search of Chips Ahoy and frozen Snickers bars.

It's a strange feeling that's surrounding me this afternoon, like there's something big on the horizon that's about to get here. Or I'm going to meet IT, or whatever is happening. Things around our house have calmed down in the wake of this latest "say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done" energy shift, but there's still drama building with one of our own, and it could go either way, I'm thinking, but that's how it feels for most ALL of us right now. What's building inside me, and how is it going to manifest? For me, that's a non-issue - it's always for the good, but that's a judgment term, meaning there IS bad out there, and I think everything is all shades of the Same Thing, whatever that "thing" is. We all need to figure out our own paths, and how we walk them, and we all get to decide what we discover along our path. But one thing that definitely feels like it's up right now is the urging for each of us to take responsibility for our lives. No more victims, no more blaming. That's going to be a difficult one for me, coming from a strong heritage of martyrdom. Our standard family joke is to cough and say, "Oh, don't worry about me - I'll be all right," which is a good thing to say to remind ourselves when we feel put upon or overburdened. For that's probably what the message we ARE trying to convey to others when they ask us to do something we don't want to do. We'll DO it, but we'll make darned good and sure that they KNOW what an imposition it is for us, but in the end, we'll be all right. Well, we'd BETTER be all right, because we're all we've got.

So, what's building in me, then? The passing away of the old and into the new. I love my family, I love my kids, I love my mom and dad, but I worry about them. I take care of them, too much probably, as I hover and ask questions. It can get annoying. My favorite joke with Steve is to ask him over and over and over again, "Am I high maintenance?" That also reminds me that if I'M catching that I may be too demanding of him for anything, that I AM being high maintenance in those moments, and I need to fall back and start taking care of myself. Goodness sakes - can you imagine what kind of beautiful world we'd live in if everyone took care of themselves? So I've adjusted my over-parenting concerns - I've stepped back and let the boys do their things, telling them that I love them, but not swooping in to wash their clothes or pick up their dishes or repark their cars on the street if I'm penned in. No - not anymore. How can we expect others to become self-sufficient if we keep giving them the subtle messages that they can't take care of them as well as WE can take care of them? Sure, there's an amount of satisfaction to be gleaned from being needed, but sheesh - I get tired of having 7 people hanging out on my back - those are some mighty heavy burdens to carry, and I don't think we're able to CARRY other people's energies anymore - that's why you'll probably be seeing a lot more flare-ups between different relationships as the rules are changed.

I know my family doesn't like some of our new rules - "why are we being punished?" was one loud question asked the other day. Interesting to note that we were just stating RULES to be followed, and there were actually NO punishments being doled out. That child was equating rules with punishment, as if it were impossible to follow rules, or that there should be NO rules, or something. I'm not quite sure, but something has definitely shifted inside of me, and I'm curious as to what's next. I'm not actively looking for it, because that's tiring. But when I notice my body starting to stiffen as the new energies come in anew, I instead tell my body to trust the process, relax, and open to the transformations taking place. That seems to help the whole process. But trust is hard, isn't it? That letting go of your tiny little kingdom, that you never even ruled in the first place? Ouch - maybe that's just me that thought I was in control of my life. Think about it - there's not much you ARE in control of. Maybe letting go is the wisest decision - I'm still working on it, to be sure.