Ego takes a hit ...

Emotions are high everywhere right now. People saying things they've needed to say for a long time, do things that are long overdue, to bring correction to their lives, get them firmly back on their paths. I'm no different, but apparently am having trouble saying what I need to say because my throat hurts and is coated with something. I have to keep clearing my throat. I know it's energetic, because it's happened before, but there's something new about this pain, almost like my body's disappointed that I'm not saying what I need to say. What is it? I'll have to keep trying to figure it out, I guess. I'm sure it's around the concept of boundaries (or lack thereof). I think it's harder because I'm a psychic, and have always just sort of blended with everything and everyone around me, connected to the All, or something like that. But like I tell my clients, if you don't put a fence up around your house, you can't get mad at the cows for trampling your flowers!

So I continue to walk the fine line between insecure ego actions and healthy ego boundaries. It's so hard to tell sometimes, but a clue for me is that when I feel the need to defend or attack, that's my insecure ego rearing its head. When someone hurts my feelings, it's okay (and necessary) to tell them that their words or actions have hurt me. I'm not asking them to change, just taking care of myself. Can't you just feel it? That hurt, if you let it in, just stings in your body. I don't want that in my life. I also think there's a lot of projection out there - people saying things to you that are really about them, but it's too painful for them to see it in themselves. Maybe if they can dump it on you it will relieve their pain? No, but people continue to do it. What will it take for us all to take responsibility for our lives? To see ourselves and our lives clearly so we don't have to take it out on anyone else? I'm human, goodness, I'm far from perfect in the sense of never "messing up," but there's so much pain caused by our own insecurities, that I really strive not to hurt anyone else by my speech, thoughts, or actions.

After two difficult situations arising yesterday, my beautiful sweet mom said something that caused me to get a little upset. I chose to remain silent for a moment, then, sensing her hesitation back toward me, decided to tell her (briefly) about the two painful things that had happened, and suggested that maybe we talk about her stuff tomorrow. She instantly softened, and we were able to keep talking. I love my mom more than anything, and don't want anything to come between us, not me having a bad day, and certainly not ever me taking anything out on HER. For goodness sakes, aren't we evolving past that? I certainly hope so. So I am in training to stay mindful and conscious in the midst of these changes; to stay soft, and open to seeing and doing things in a fresh way. "How can I see this situation differently? What else can I say or do? What is in this person that is causing them to act this way?(because it's not about me)"

That's the intriguing part for me - it's all about me, and it's all about you, and you, and you. If we live our lives from our insides, we see everything through our colors and distortions, so everything is relative to our focal point. So if I say something to you, and you choose to take offense (and I didn't mean to hurt you), then it's all for you to figure out what's going on with you that you translated my words into hurts. If you tell me I'm mean and fat and ugly, I can either look at myself to see if there's any truth in it, or just put my mirror up so you can look at what you just said and figure out what's in YOU that made you see me that way. You see? It's like an endless set of mirrors bouncing reflections back and forth forever. What's real and what's a reflection? It seems to me both are real AND both are reflections.

So I sit here this morning and think about hurtful words that have been spoken to me in the last 24 hours, and if there is any truth in them, or if these people are striking out in their own pain, or maybe a little of both. It's hard to know sometimes in this human soup, where we're all swimming around, bumping into each other, trying to find our ways and be happy. But I DO know some things for sure, and they are these: we are not in this alone; we are all connected and there IS something beyond this physical existence. WE continue long after our physical lives are done, and we're in relationship with a deeper reality than we see here. And lastly, but never leastly, that love is the only thing there is - really, this I know FOR SURE.