My New Year's Revolutions...

I call them "revolutions" because I think they are life-altering and life-changing - little revolutions.

1. I will actually WATCH all of the DVDs I own (not counting Bill's Disney ones - I've already seen all of those a thousand times).
2. I will clean out the utility room in the basement (actually, I've already got a good start).
3. I will get my books out of the storage unit (and save $50 a month).
4. I will wear every piece of my clothing, or give it someone who will (yes, yes, I WILL do this).
5. I will cook at least one new dinner a week (and maybe even some stuff Bill and Steve might like).
6. I will finish Dad's book, "Dress Gray" by June 1st (not counting printing time).
7. I will organize my recipes on Mac Gourmet (and maybe make that cookbook I've been talking about for the last 10 years).
8. I will write 5 letters a week (no, e-mail doesn't count).
9. I will get over my irrational fear of health clubs, and thereby start GOING to the Y again.
10. I will learn to belay (wall climbing is a fabulously fun sport, and it would be bonding for Bill and me).
11. I will go to Mount Rushmore, and Denali National Park in Alaska (we've already got these trips planned, so maybe I'm cheating).
12. I will ride a horse again (after Vinny died, I've been too sad to think about riding again).
13. I will love my "defects" - my moustache (I think it's a sign of beauty in some cultures), the loose skin under my arms (it could be worse - I just don't know how), the cellulite on the backs of my legs (hey, I've had that, except for that brief ultra-skinny phase in the early 1980's), the mole on the crook of my right arm (why single that one out? I've got millions), the one hair on my right eyebrow that sticks straight up making me look like Mr. Spock (yes, you can even see it in my baby pictures), my toenails that curl up and cut me (none of my sisters wanted to sleep with me when we were growing up), and anything else I might come up with...

I know I say "I will" as if it's something in the future, so it won't get done, but I'll do all of this, I promise, and if I don't, there's always next year ...

the true meaning of Christmas

6AM - I've been asleep for less than 6 hours, Bill's awake.

"I want to see what Santa brought," he said. "I can't sleep anymore."

"That's okay, sweetie - we can go downstairs."

I drank my usual cup of Peace Decaff Coffee and curled up on the comfy couch in the front room. There, lined up neatly on the mantel, were the 6 Christmas stockings. The kids's 4 were all filled - Steve's and mine were empty. There were two little packages wrapped in foreign Christmas paper, addressed to Bill. He quickly ripped them open - two video games he'd wanted. He started playing. Two hours later everyone else came downstairs and ate the warm gooey rolls I'd made (after dragging my butt off the comfy couch), and we sat around our kitchen table eating and laughing. Our "big" dinner was actually just a normal turkey dinner, nothing extra, but yummy. We met Peggy and her family and went to "Walk Hard." Bill didn't go (if you've seen the movie, it's hilarious, but totally inappropriate for kids). Then Steve, Bill and I went over to Peggy's house (Kari and Erik had to go to their dad's), and Pegs and I made chili and salad while everyone else chatted at the table. Jeremiah was home from Chicago, Josh home from Tacoma, and Rachel here because she goes to a local college. I love my sister and her family, and that is what I want to say about Christmas. It wasn't about the presents (I went overboard this year, totally - had to BORROW money from Steve to go to the movies), or the garbage bag of wrapping paper, or the sweets (yes, I DID eat some fudge, and let me just say ... yum).

Christmas for me this year was hearing Peggy play flute at the Plains, then learning that her friend, the bass player, died suddenly that Friday from heart problems. It was crying for Dave and his family. It was hearing Josh Groban singing a Christmas carol with interjected messages from military folk to their families, and crying my eyes out for a long time. It was watching "The Best First Wedding Dance Ever" at Peggy's house, and talking about Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart. It was seeing a picture of Cuddles on their mantle, and feeling my heart become full (they'd just put Cuddles down a few days before). It was feeling sad that nobody would be with Mom and Dad for Christmas, but knowing we'd be with them in a few days. It was feeling, maybe for the first time, that while most of us are frantically sending out Christmas cards, baking, attending parties, drinking, buying presents, and singing Christmas carols, there's a whole other population standing on the other side of that glass, like the little match girl, staring at the festivities, freezing in the cold. There are those people with no family, or grown children, or divorced, or people who've had loved ones die over the holidays, so holidays have now become a time of remembered grief. There are those people who have little or no extra money, or little or no friends, or who are recovering alcoholics (or active alcoholics) who are reminded daily of the lure of alcohol through increased advertising and party reminders. There are the Buddhists and the Atheists and the Agnostics, and the Muslims and the Native Americans, and the whole rest of the world's population who don't "do" this time of year like some of us do.

I'm thinking of all of those people these days, and I'm feeling my arms opening wider to include that reality, that perspective. I'd be lying if I didn't say I love the baking and the presents and the festivities and the traditions. I love lighting all the candles in the house and decorating our sweet little 20 year old plastic tree. I love reading people's Christmas letters, seeing their pictures, hearing about their lives in the past year. But I don't think necessarily all of this is limited to a one-shot deal in the year. I think the "feeling" of Christmas should be spread out another 363 1/2 days and should be spread out to 100% of the world's people. It's not just Christmas - it's whatever traditions we make - no matter where we are, or what religion or non-religion we are. I just don't care - I love it all. Happy Holy Days - all 365 of them...

frog baby

I was led into the front room where the baby lay. He was about 6 months old, lying on his stomach, and couldn't stop jerking. They called him the frog baby. They told me he did that all the time (jerked), couldn't talk, and asked me to heal him. I asked for a recliner, then gently lifted the baby up to my chest and leaned all the way back in the chair. I could feel him jerking all around, but held his neck and put his cheek against mine and started doing the healing. I whispered into his ear, "Now feel the energy as it enters through the top of your head." When I said that, I felt my own body jerking with the energy - this happens quite frequently. Both my clients and myself feel the jolt of energy and it causes one (or both) of us to jump. I completed the healing, working the energy through his whole body, and by the time I was done, he sat up and whispered something to me. I can't remember now what he said, but it was cool. I said back to him, "Why did they say you can't talk? You CAN."

"Because they didn't want to take the time to listen to me," he replied.

I held this dear child to my chest and felt our energies melding - it was like he was me and I was him. Jung would say that that's how it all works. I didn't want to let him go. I wanted to keep holding him forever - he is so wise and ancient and dear and misunderstood. I was excited that I'd helped him heal from whatever it was that was causing him to have seizures and not be able to sit up. And now he was whole, and fabulous, and I could come visit him and hold him, but he said no - I could never see him again.

I cried and cried and cried. It was strange - it was that heart-aching kind of cry, but it was like I was crying about not getting to be with a part of myself that I've just discovered and love dearly. I tried it just once, walking back into the room.

"You," he said, pointing to me, "Go."

I don't know why I thought he'd changed his mind and would let me stay. I don't know why it was so important for me to get to see him again, but it was very important. But he said no - go, so I left.

I woke up and had tears in my eyes, feeling like I'd lost something important. Steve held me while I cried for this little frog baby that I'd healed - then lost.

oh my gosh

I'm still thinking about the party (and recuperating). I can't believe how tired I felt yesterday, but a good tired, if that makes sense. My poor client (well, I guess she's not so poor - we had a fabulous session), but I kept clearing my throat. The first song I sang at the party was "Baby Got Back." Sharla mentioned something about something, and this morning I open my e-mails to find the link she was talking about, so I thought I'd share it with you.

Best wedding first dance ever

Oh, if you want a big smile on your face, watch this video - it's hip hop hilarious (as my kids would say).

I'm feeling so "full" today, and I'm not worried about anything (I come from a long prestigious line of worriers - I change that to "warriors"), and a strange thing happened yesterday that I can't stop thinking about (I think a lot). My sweet stepson was supposed to fly out to CA for his annual "5 days with his mom" and when I reminded him last week about it, he said he couldn't fly out today because he had finals. I encouraged him to talk with his professor to get the finals changed, then let it drop. When I tuned in about the whole situation, I heard that everything would be all right - he wouldn't go early in the morning, but would catch a later plane. I'm thinking to myself, "Yeah, like THAT could ever happen. If he didn't change flights right away, they would be all booked up, and he'll never get there." Well, I heard Steve talking, er, loudly, to Jordan last night about the trip, then angry because Jordan didn't change his schedule, and told Steve he wasn't flying out in the morning. The phone rang again, I picked it up. It was Jordan.

"Here's your dad," I said.

"No, I want to talk to you," he said.

So I asked him if he remembered us talking last week about this (vaguely, he admitted), then I asked him if his mom had gotten trip insurance. He said she'd told him she supposed he wasn't coming to CA then. I was ready to call her (and believe me when I tell you that act ranks right up there with getting a root canal without novacaine), but at that moment his mom was on the other line, so I hung up. I tuned in AGAIN and asked if everything was going to be all right. I heard that it was just fine - he was going to get a later flight out that day (again, impossible, I'm thinking - it's the holidays, flights are all booked). But I did something that is still relatively foreign to me - I STOPPED WORRYING about the outcome, and watched curiously.

The phone rang again. Jordan.

"You'll never BELIEVE what just happened," he said. "Mom cancelled my early morning flight, and the airlines automatically booked me on a 5:35PM flight."

I started smiling. A miracle? Maybe a small one in this world greatly in need of huge ones, but I'm calling it. Perhaps a bigger miracle is the fact that I didn't emotionally take on the burden of Jordan and his trip ("If you knew about this last week, why didn't you tell me?" Steve asked. Oh, don't even GO there, sweetie), but asked "up" and got my assurances. I wonder - is it possible to do this for ALL of the things that happen in my life? Go to that higher place of understanding and get the broader picture so I don't muddle through so much down here? I know the answer is a huge YES, and I know I'm IN that place of expanded awareness all of the time (we ALL are, I think), but sometimes I forget. But a HUGE thank you to my "help" for this important lesson today. Things are not always as they appear on the surface; in fact, things are RARELY as they appear on the surface, kind of like that whole iceberg concept. So here's to looking below the surface, or rising above it all for the spiritual birds-eye view. It feels so much better, this 100% place - I'm staying here.

the party

Sonia and Audra "strike a pose"


Silly bunnies


Brenda - your hand massages ARE divine


"Since you've been gone..." Okay, so we DON'T know the words


You go, girl


Melissa and I hamming it up... (would you doubt it?)

Highlights of last night:

Learning the Electric Shuffle (I know, I know, I SHOULD know it, being a child of the 60's, and all, but hey, we totally KICKED on the Hustle...
Andrea's roast beef on crostini
Sharla's shoes from Amsterdam
Brenda's hand massages (ahhhhh....)
the girls singing "Since You've Been Gone"
"c'mon girls - rollin' on the river" (doop doo doo doo...)
sweating to the oldies (I could've danced all night)

Oh, man, I'm tired. I can't talk (I know what you're thinking - stop), and I even have a client this afternoon. I teased and said I'm going to just tell her, 'You know all the answers already. You can go," but I suppose that won't cut it. At least I'll have this morning to recuperate. Oh wait - no, I can't - I have to clean the house because Kim's coming to clean. You know how that goes. So I'll leave - 50 fabulous goddesses, tons of food, wine, singing, dancing and laughing - a perfect evening. Thanks, you guys - you're the best.

time

I'm almost done transcribing Dad's letters - there were over 250 in all. And even though I type fast, it still took a long time. Now we start the big work of putting everything together into one fabulous book of memoirs. I'm so excited to do this for Dad (and Mom), but even more than that, I think it's fascinating to read what his world was like back in the mid 1940's. One thing that struck me today as I was typing was a book he'd been reading, in which the author was talking about his fears for "today's youth." Here's an excerpt from that letter:

"I think you would be surprised at the general attitude of many cadets about such a subject as morals, for example. Some author I read a short time ago felt the whole nation of youth especially was heading toward their new (so-called) idea of doing whatever gives you pleasure – satisfies your thirsts, etc. I never have objected to smoking, drinking, and even to a lot worse things that others did. But when a large number of men of a high class institution (!) behave as these men on my table do with no second thought whatever – kind of makes me wonder what is happening in the world. I’d like to see these same men 20 years from now. Maybe that would show the answer."

So, 20 years from then would be 1964, when I was 4. These young cadets would now maybe be parents with children, and does that change everything? How have we, as a whole society, changed since 1944? It seems sometimes that we always have the same questions and concerns. I know I'm worried about kids today - who are their mentors, what are their values, what are their passions? I see no mentors, or maybe Jackass, or somebody like that, I see values sort of like "well, everybody's doing it, and things are different than when you were growing up, Mom - you don't understand - the pressures are MUCH greater than when you were young. Their passions? Sometimes I see just wanting to have fun, watching tv, playing video games (yes, I do those three things, as well, but not as my MAIN passions), drinking, smoking, sex, and drugs (and some pretty heavy drugs, if what I'm hearing is true), so you ask me if I think we're in trouble, and maybe some other day I would be prone to say yes, but today, right now, I think this is true:

I think we're in a new place, and I think part of the reason that kids are in "trouble" today is that they've been waiting for us adults to catch up, to take charge of our lives and of the earth, do what we say we're going to do, and be leaders. I think we're doing that, and I think that transition has made it easier for our kids to grow up into themselves, as well - the enlightenment process is retroactive. As I heal, I heal my ancestors and my children, and my children's children - all the way back on the family tree and forward. So the kids are MORE than okay - they're just where they need to be. They're learning their lessons (albeit some of them are learning the REALLY hard way - that's okay, too - I'm a hard learner as well), and hopefully learning from them, they're figuring out HOW they want to be, along with WHO they want to be, in this world. And I think the world will go on, but in a new, more gentle way.

I think these same kids that we're worried about today will be the visionary leaders of tomorrow. They are the ones who demand to know WHY, who hold us accountable for our actions, who won't back down, so now the momentum is moving us onward and upward, and it's all right, and it's about time.

Right now it's time to get dressed for the Goddess Party - I'll post pictures tomorrow, I promise. There will be singing, eating, laughing, hand massages, and special bracelets for some pretty special women. Here's to friends, here's to connections, and here's to love, in its myriad of forms.

lots of stuff...

It's official. I've pulled my Christmas Baking muscles - seriously. It started slowly, ya know, like warm-ups, with the peanut butter cookies and gingersnaps, but we kicked it into high gear on Friday with the quadruple batch of Christmas cookies (they couldn't even fit into my biggest Tupperware bowl, so I had to go the final few feet to the summit with my bare hands), followed by the puppy chow (shaken vigorously in the closed Tupperware (same bowl as used in above Christmas cookies) to thoroughly coat with healthy powdered sugar), topped off with fudge (stir constantly till it boils (on low - that takes a long time)) and a double batch of brownies.

"What are you baking all of this stuff for?" Kari asked.

"Uhm," answers Mom (me), "I don't really know - I just love to bake at Christmas."

So here I sit on this snowy Sunday morning, my back tight across the shoulders, my 'popeye' muscles on both of my forearms tired, like I've just nailed the hour long Body Pump class at the Y

Am I proud? You bet. Would I do it again? Probably not without warming up better. Is it important to have goals? Yes. Does Christmas baking count as a goal, really? Yes, really, in MY world.

I finished "The Subtle Knife" around midnight last night. It's the second book ini the Philip Pullman trilogy, of which "Golden Compass" is the first book. I found myself dog earing the pages that I found particularly brilliant and true. Here are some excerpts:

p. 25 - this is when Lyra meets Will, who's a human like us. He is surprised to see her daemon, her guardian animal, and she's answering him back:

"You HAVE a daemon," she said decisively. "Inside you."

He didn't know what to say.

"You have," she went on. "You wouldn't be human else. You'd be ... half dead."


p. 271 - this is Ruta, a witch, speaking of why she wants to help Lord Asriel defeat the Authority:

"And he invited us to join him, sister. To join his army against the Authority. He showed me that to rebel was right and just, when you considered what the agents of the Authority did in His name ... And I thought of the Bolvangar children, and the other terrible mutilations I have seen in our own southlands; and he told me of many more hideous cruelties dealt out in the Authority's name - of how they capture witches, in some worlds, and burn them alive, sisters. Yes, witches like ourselves..."

Yes, woven in between the lines of the story are a great Truth, but I acknowledge that it's a Truth I believe, and I can speak for no one else. All I can do is encourage every single person to decide for THEMSELVES what they believe to be true, and not to take anyone else's word for it. Yes, we listen to those we respect, but ultimately, we're responsible for our own choices. We can't hide behind the Church, or our jobs, or our politics, or even our families. We each have a voice, we each have an opinion, and we each have our experiences about what this life is all about. For me, it's about enlightenment, about realization, about knowing, and above all else - it's about love. In the end, that's the only thing that's real. For me.

So I'll finish off the trilogy with "The Amber Spyglass," finish my baking (with cinnamon glass candy and Snicker Doodles), get ready for our neighborhood kid's Christmas party at our house at 5, get ready for the huge Goddess Christmas bash that's on Tuesday, then wind down helping the kids at Bill's school celebrate their Christmas party. Kari's coming home on Friday, and I'm looking forward to hunkering down (whatever that means) for the holidays - with fires, and popcorn, and Christmas lights and sleigh rides, with Mastermind and chess, Scrabble and chicken or pig. Ahhhhhh... I can almost feel my muscles becoming less sore as I take a lot of deep breaths and just enjoy.

I got it all backwards

I haven't been able to get my brain around this whole abundance/greed/manifestation thing, but I think I figured it out yesterday - I've been doing the whole backwards. Okay, imagine that you are building a house. Your contractor has the timeline figured out to make things flow as smoothly as possible. The electrician gets there first, then the plumber, then they put in the walls and floors, and on. But what if the wall guy is like, "Well, I'm coming early, because I want to be done faster," so he puts up the walls BEFORE the electricians get there to do their jobs. NOW they've got to rip into the walls, and it's going to take longer, and cost more money, and make a big mess. All because the wall guy didn't want to go along with the rest of the plans, and didn't want to wait. He just didn't have the bigger picture... sort of like us humans. So we're down here going, "I want this NOW, and this, and this, and this..." and we either don't know (or don't care) that there may be ANOTHER timeline out there that has our broader picture in mind, one that sees the wisdom behind delays or disappointments. If that's the case, now we're working AGAINST our Higher Good, causing delays and messes.

So ... what happens if we FIRST put ourselves in alignment with our Higher Good, like having a meeting with all of the people who are working on the house, so we can plan and coordinate. No one is independent or outside of the project. Now things will flow smoothly, so take a few minutes, close your eyes and take a few deep breath, and INTEND to put yourself firmly on the path to your Highest Good. We don't know exactly what that LOOKS like; we're just intending to be in harmony with the greater picture so we don't work at odds with anything. Now that we're integrated and on the same page, intend away, knowing that you are now working WITH your Highest Good, and not potentially even AGAINST your HG. And I always start my intentions with, "If this is within my Highest Good, I intend this for my life." We can't see everything from down here, so we can't just SAY what WILL happen, because God forbid, then we're like little brats screaming for a bag of candy and to stay up until midnight. If we get our way, we'll become little greedy monsters thinking we run the world. No, our parents (or our Higher Selves, etc.) are there to help us grow up, and sometimes that involves being denied some things, not getting our way, having to do things we'd rather not do (like brush our teeth or take a bath), but that are necessary for the broader picture.

So I'm excited today, finally feeling some of those puzzle pieces falling into place for me. It's not a question of abundance or greed, of being more powerful because you can MAKE things happen, but a matter of placing yourself in alignment with your spiritual path FIRST, and then proceeding from there, in harmony, and in sync. It's what I figured out, anyway - I know we've all got different angles, and that's what's so cool about this place. But at least for me, I'm feeling more mastery over this whole concept, and it makes total sense to me now.

the newest message

It was a magical night, last Tuesday, when we all gathered up at my offices. I do it the first Tuesday of every month, these live messages. I record them onto a CD so I can transcribe them. Well, Diane did the transcribing, and it's ready. I won't print it all here (it's really long) but I'll post the whole thing on my website at www.susanekberg.com as soon as my webmaster can get it up. But here are some pretty powerful, beautiful parts that I really love. I hope you will, too.


This part talks about setting our course to our desired destination, and how that looks:

"The preset course to this land of gold, this land of plenty, this paradise, this heaven, is nothing less and nothing more than a return to your self, your true self, to your core, and to your soul. It has been your home before you came to this earthly plain. it is your hoe when you close your eyes to the rest of the world, and the rest of the wanderings and doings, happenings, excitements and distractions. When you close your eyes as you are doing at this time, feel that land. See it with your 'spirit eyes' right now as it glow golden before you. Feel the wind in your face as your rudder carries your ship beautifully ad swiftly to your goal. Do not ever be deceived, dear ones, by the substitutions and the detours that occur in your lives. Do not lament and say, 'I am off course," for that is an impossibility.

Your course is set within you, within your heart and within your life and you travel that course perfectly and beautifully every moment of every day. You are in communion with us and we are whispering in your ears every moment of the way, "You can do it. We are here. We will never let your ship crash into the rocks. We will never set you adrift." If you feel yourself twirling in an eddy or whirlpool, know that there is a reason for this, a reason for the delay and we will set your ship straight and we will repair what has been broken and we will mend your sails and we will hearten you if you are disheartened. We will breathe fresh life into your lungs and into your life."

If you're wondering if we'll achieve our goals, and how we're going to do it, this excerpt addresses those points:

"We tell you without any doubt, that you will return Home. You will achieve your destination. You are always regaining a part of your soul in every conscious word that you say in love, in every gentle act of compassion and understanding, even if it is said with force. If it is done with love, dear ones,we tell you, you have just regained a part of your kingdom, a part of your soul, a part of your home.Do not ever, ever seek to underestimate this incredible gift and this incredible miracle that is unfolding in your life every moment of every day."


So far as thinking about why in the heck we agreed to come to Earth at this time, this talks about it:

"You entered into this sacred pact and this sacred contract with all the multitudes of heaven cheering you on. As you breathed deep, walked away from all that was calm, and all that was love and all that was good, you set your voyage to this place; to this dear, dear, dense, lost place in order to bring light and in order to help and in order to serve. And we tell you that all of the heavens are humbly kneeling before you in sheer gratitude and amazement for all you have undertaken and for all that you currently are walking through, for it is the walk of the warrior.

It is the walk of the brave soldier who is honor-bound and duty-bound to serve and protect. You are not only walking for yourselves; you are walking for all of those who in fear have not started the journey yet. You are walking for those who are afraid. You say you are afraid and we say 'ah, no dear ones. If you were not brave you would not be able to walk. You would not be where you are right at this moment. Even though you are afraid, even though you DO have fear, also feel your courage.' "

This last beautiful part speaks of how we might be here now, and what may help:

"Love each other; be gentle and understanding and compassionate with each other. We are all striving to do the best that we an in every circumstance; forgive us if we fall short; forgive yourselves when you fall short. Say 'I may choose something different next time; i hope that I may. I'm sorry if I hurt you I'm doing the best that I can.' Be grateful for all that you have that is good in your life; be grateful for all that comes into your life for not one speck, not one circumstance comes into your life save that for our highest good.

Know this to be true, even if in your own limited consciousness, you cannot see the greater reasons for our situations, we tell you that everythig that happens is happening for a reason. Rest in that knowledge and rest in the understanding that you are never alone. Feel us with you now. Feel us holding your hand as you walk out the door. Feel us sitting beside you as you drive home; feel us lying beside you when you put yor head down on the pillow tonight. Hear us whispering in your ear: 'You are not alone; you are never alone. And oh, by the way, have I told you today how much you are loved? Know this to be true; feel this to be true.' And be well, dear ones; oh, be well."


I love my Work; I truly do.

abundance or greed?

I sit here among my beautiful things, amazed at the abundance in my life. Not only do I have material things that I love, but I have an amazing family that I love. I have the love of my parents, some pretty unbelievably fabulous best friends (Missy, Mags, Vicks, Julia, Chitra, Donna, Marie - you know who you are), some great neighbors, a warm, spacious house, work that never ceases to amaze me, and just, well, everything. Everything that I think of just fills me to my gills (wherever those may be located), but the question I ponder this morning is this: if we are supposed to "think and grow rich," what does that mean, exactly? I think the definition of rich is lots of money, but according to my fab dictionary, rich also means "having high value or quality, meaningful, significant, lush." So those are also desirable, right? I don't want any more financial abundance - everything is perfect right now. I want a lake home, but I'll get it if I really want it. Is it right to just want want want material things? Where's the love, where's the dedication to the rest of the human race, where's the simplicity? I "want" Steve to be happpy, I "want" my kids and friends and other family to all be happy, I "want" hurting people to find comfort, I "want" a book contract, and to be able to travel nationwide on a book tour, but when I look at my motives, they're mostly ego-free (except probably for that national book tour which would be a kick in the pants AND help a lot of people). I don't want to win the lottery, I don't want a diamond necklace, I don't want an expensive car, or a bigger house. Maybe it's because I'm fortunate enough to BE financially abundant already. If I wasn't, it might be different, and I acknowledge that possibility.

So when I think of how I'm feeling on my insides, it's already a vast vast landscape, so it doesn't resonate with me to try to "bring" stuff into my life in the way other people seem to be talking about. Maybe I don't understand their concepts, or haven't really heard them. I really don't know what all mindsets are out there - there are probably thousands of books that talk about finding abundance, and I'm thinking these people find abundance through their book sales? Maybe people need to start on the physical to feel that if they can get what they want down here they will feel comfort and support, then move toward feeling that feeling of abundance on the spiritual plane? As above, so below? Holographic? I don't know, but there's a whole lot of excitement out there about "getting it all," and I want to understand what that means to others, I really do, but I just don't seem to be getting it - I DO place intentions, I DO watch my thoughts to stay in the light, I DO work at being conscious every moment of the day, I DO meditate and pray, I DO do my good work that helps others AND myself. It's just different languages, maybe, but still part of the Whole.

Maybe it's okay not to get what other people are doing - maybe it's enough just to keep doing what I'm doing - it works for me. Only I can decide what's abundance or greedy... for me... not for anyone else. And I figured something out - I AM greedy - it's just about different things. I intended for Bill to win the trout tournament, and he did. I intended great things for Steve, and he got them. I'm intending a golden life for me and it's unfolding. Maybe others would say that I'M the greedy one, because all they want it for their husband to be healed of his cancer.

So who determines what's abundance and what's greed? I can't be judgmental, so I've changed my mind. It's all the same, just different - so go ahead and go for it, guys - intend a yacht, a handsome husband that calls you his Queen, a fulfilling job. I think everyone deserves whatever is in their Highest good, and that's a LOT, from where I'm sitting - more than we can ever imagine. And I'm sorry that I don't quite understand it all - it's all good. If I believe that all paths lead Home, then we're all ultimately saying the same thing, just differently. So I continue to think about abundance and greed, and what exactly it all means. I sit in the center of my life and continue to be amazed, and for me, that's my definition of abundance. What's your definition?

Golden Compass - Part 2 and odd occurrences

I finished the book. I won't tell you anything about the content (I shouldn't have told you that other stuff, in case you're going to read it or see the movie), but suffice it so say I've now got my own professional opinion, and it is this: I would NOT let younger children (under the age of about 12) read it, as the content is kind of gruesome (violence to children, or threatened violence), BUT the premise is positively breathtaking, and I can't wait to get started on the second book. I think Pullman is right on with his symbolisms and statements about organized religion and how that plays in our lives. Again, this is all just my personal opinion, which is all anyone has anyway, right?

Odd occurrences? Uff da, and I'm not even Norwegian (I'm Swedish, to be exact). First, Tuesday night while were getting to do the message, we heard a noise in my front office. I went out to check, and saw that one of my lights had exploded. Yes, we all thought it odd (that's never happened before). Wednesday morning I was in my office typing on my computer, and one of my overhead lights ... yeah, that's right - exploded. That afternoon, my watch stopped working. No worries, I thought, it needs a new battery. Except ... the next day it was working perfectly again. That night I woke up at 2:30 to the strains of single notes being played on a guitar. Had Erik come home? Was he playing? I listened for a while - it went on for about an hour. I asked Erik the next day, just to be sure. Of course he hadn't come back home last night. Hmmmmm. Even for ME that's all a pretty strange 48 hour's worth of oddness. What does it mean? I don't know, but it felt like some energy shifting around inside of me, and that affected the lights, my watch, and maybe increased my awareness so I could hear the celestial guitar playing? Oh, and not to mention all the street lights that popped off AND on during those two days. Well, only 3, I think, but still...

Another TWO odd things happened yesterday. A client actually seemed to SEE what I was seeing while I was doing his reading. I was having trouble describing a certain thing, and he piped up with an answer. I asked him to describe what that thing looked like, and it was what I had seen, but didn't know what it was. Then I saw something else, and was just opening my mouth to tell him about it, and all I said was, "Have you ever..." and he named just what I was about to say. Eerie - I'm used to being able to see into OTHER people's minds, but not used to it being a two-way communication. Later last night I was playing a game with Bill that I've played with all my kids - I write words on their backs, one letter at a time, and they try to guess what I'm saying. I usually write something like, "I love you, Bill" and he gets it right after the "I love" usually, so I tried to shake it up by writing "hi." I made the straight line down, and Bill piped up "Hi?" Seriously... I couldn't believe it. What's going on here?

So I don't know, I just don't know, but it's cool, it is, as if I'm connected to every single thing in the Universe, not just people, or even animals, but lightbulbs and watches. It makes me feel comforted and included, it makes me feel connected, and not lonely. We're all in this together, and I'm seeing more and more how it all works. I know I should just KNOW it by now, understanding that I'm in that place of unity, but it takes a while to get used to the newness, like Neo waking up from his lifelong coma to see that the whole rest of his life had been a dream. That's what I feel like - waking up from a long, LONG dream, and even though it's still a bit eerie sometimes when stuff happens that we can't really explain, overall, it's just really really cool (kind of like the weather outside).

Golden Compass - Part One

Okay, so I'm halfway through the book. I admit, it's not the kind of book that I'd want my 8 year old to read - children getting kidnapped, and a decapitated head, to name just a few choice tidbits. But I'm 47, I can handle it, so I forge ahead. It wasn't until my little bout of insomnia last night that I got to the point in the book that made me cry. Up until now I can't see what all the fuss is about. In the book all of the humans have daemons, or guardian animals, that protect them, support them, encourage them, stay with them until they die. Not a new idea. But the Magisterium is taking children and doing something with them, but we don't find out what they're doing until the beginning of Part 2.

There's talk of a child that's not quite dead and not quite alive, in a village up North, where Lyara is headed with the gyptians to rescue the children. Lyara is guided by the golden compass, which tells her correct answers when she relaxes and focuses on her questions (just like our inner knowing? In the book children have it, adults do not - hmmm). She knows she has to go get the little boy. There she finds out what the Church is going to the children - they are ripping the daemons and the children apart so the children are now alone. That, in and of itself, was enough to make me start crying, because the daemon represents to me our guardian angels, our Higher Selves and guides; all of our connections to our whole selves, our Souls, so to rip that away from the children? It's too horrifying for words. But then we see that the little boy is desperately grasping a smelly old fish, clinging to it, pretending it's his daemon, and the tears started again. Look at all the kids and their stuffed animals, their blankies, their security blankets. Doesn't that kind of feel like the same thing?

So I'll keep reading to the end of this book before the movie comes out, then keep reading the next two, because I want to form my own opinion. It isn't enough just to take someone else's word for it when they send me an e-mail and say, "This is an evil book. This man is bad. And we need to stop him." Maybe. Maybe not. I'll decide for myself what I think, thank you. And I think it's IMPERATIVE that we all continue to do the same in our lives. NO MORE just taking someone else's word for something, just because they tell us we're like them, and if we don't side with them we're the enemy. I just don't buy it anymore. So far I think Philip Pullman is a literary genius, and I'd love to get his e-mail address so I can send him some fan mail. In lieu of that, I'll just post a message to him:

Dear Philip,

Thank you for having the vision and creativity and passion to write your books. I think you are brave, and enlightened, and oh, so smart. I love the way I can FEEL my Truth when I read your words. I can see my Truth behind the story, and it gives me hope for a conscious human race. Thank you for your books, thank you for your words, and thank you for writing your Truth. I do not think you are an atheist, or even an agnostic, but if you call yourselves any of those things, that's fine, too. I think you are a deeply spiritual man, rooted in the Source, with no time for the divisive and controlling ways of established organizations that seek to squish our spirits. Thank you.


My live channeling went swimmingly last night. Great people showed up even if the weather was daunting. I was surprised at the turn-out, but pleased, as always. I spoke of our courage at leaving our safe Homes, and traveling to Earth, and what a great sacrifice it is, and how all of the heavens acknowledge our bravery. I spoke of being in our ship, traveling to our Home, and the necessity of using our compass on our steering wheel to help guide us, along with our True North Star as being our constant, while the swirling constellations all around shift and change. The constellations are our life's situations and people, and as we sail on, everything keeps shifting and changing. But we WILL find our way Home, because Home is inside us, and we need to treat this self-discovery like our primary job right now. It is not self-centered, but essentially Self centered, which is a whole different ball game. Diane's thankfully going to transcribe the whole message, so I'll post it on my website at www.susanekberg.com as soon as she's done. I love doing this live once a month, on that first Tuesday - it's something you can count on, and that seems to be a rare commodity these days. Loving life, and everything in it ...

lions and tigers and atheists ... oh my

I first heard of the Golden Compass controversy over a month ago. A mother came up to me at the book fair at school and asked if I'd seen the e-mail going around that says Philip Pullman is an evil man who's using his books to get people to hate God. AND he's an atheist. "That's interesting," I said, "because if you're an atheist you don't believe in God, so why would you try to get people to hate something you don't even believe exists?" Well, the mother hadn't thought about that. Then another mother asked me about it at Boy Scouts the other night. I said I hadn't read the books, but that my brother-in-law (who's a Lutheran pastor) had recommended them to me. THEN I got an e-mail from a friend who'd also received this mysterious e-mail (I hadn't seen the e-mail yet), and she was wondering what my take on it was. I told her that sometimes it seems like people act out of fear when they don't have all the information, and I was withholding my judgment until I'd read the books (I started last night and am 1/4 way through the first one - it's fabulous so far...). She agreed, and said that she worries about censorship (I do, too).

Then I got an e-mail from our head Boy Scout leader WITH the link to snopes that talked about the infamous Pullman and his nefarious books, and about him killing God. I e-mailed the Boy Scout leader back and suggested that maybe what Pullman was killing was our limited human creation of a God that has had immeasurable horrible things done in that God's name for centuries. He said he would check out the Time article. I was totally psyched to actually get the link, so I checked it out. It didn't make much sense to me, like I wasn't getting the whole story. Then this week's issue of Time magazine came, and there, on page 86, was an article about Pullman. It says, and I quote

"In Pullman's world, the church has evolved into a sinister totalitarian bureaucracy called the Magisterium that perpetrates massive cruelties in the name of good... WE're used to fantasy literature either warily skirting religion... we're not used to fantasy taking on religion foursquare. But to be fair, it's not religion that Pullman has a problem with, exactly, or religious believers; it's what happens when religion mixes with politics. "religion is at its best when it is furthest from political power" he says. "The power to send armies to war, to rule every aspect of our lives, to tell us what to wear, what to think, what to read - when religion gets hold of tat, watch out! Because trouble will ensue." Pullman has even received warm praise from members of the clergy, including the Archbishop of Canterbury, for his exploration of spiritual issues... "I'm not arguing a case. I'm not preaching a sermon. I'm not giving a lecture. I'm telling a story. Any position I take is that of a storyteller who says, Once upon a time, this happened."

What are we so scared of? That someone is strong enough to actually be able to strong arm us into believing something evil or bad? That somebody is that powerful that they can somehow trick us into becoming bad people? That our children will be lured away and brainwashed somehow? God forbid that some institution or authority figure should try to tell us what to do - sheesh, give me a break. So... here's my truth for the day. I cannot understand what "Christians" are so afraid of. I have many Christian friends who are absolutely fabulous - they're loving and kind and gentle and respectful of other's beliefs. Then there are the not-so-Christian Christians who are hateful and hurtful, unkind and disrespectful of anyone else's beliefs but their own - and they'll tell you just exactly how wrong you are and how positively right they are, and they won't listen to a word you're saying about your beliefs - disrespectful. Then there are my utterly fabulous agnostic or atheist friends - some of the best people in my life. They are good, kind, loving, loyal, respectful - my best friends. Then there are my Buddhist friends, and my New Age friends, and my Wiccan friends, and my Native American friends, and my ... oh my. Does it really matter, people? Seriously --- where's the love? I concentrate on my feelings toward others. How am I judgmental (I'm judgmental towards judgmental people, and I hate hateful people - makes sense, doesn't it?), how am I limiting someone else's beliefs, how am I being kind and respectful in my life, how could I be kinder and more respectful?

I'm not perfect - FAR from it, but I realize I'm not perfect, nor are my opinions necessarily the best ones around... for anyone else. They're good for me, and I DO happen to think that love is the best option across the board - one of those universal truths, I believe, but beyond that - why can't we just give that fear factor a rest, sit back, pour a good cup of peppermint tea, and read a good Philip Pullman book like good little bibliophiles? C'mon, it's not so bad ... there you go ... ahhhhhhhhhhh.

peace and light

It was a magical weekend. Steve, Erik, Bill and I packed up the Hybrid and headed southeast to Minneapolis. Even with the killer storm on the way, no WAY would we miss Kari's last Christmas Vespers. It was clear all day Friday and Saturday morning, but the snow started around 10AM. Thank goodness we made it to our hair appointments, but as we got coiffed we watched the snow falling heavier and wetter, the cars slipping everywhere. We were going to take a taxi, but they were unreliable time-wise, so I drove to Central Lutheran Church in downtown Minneapolis. What a beautiful church it was - high high high ceilings, the chandeliers decorated with elaborate wreaths and balls, candles in deep blue and purple and red votives were lit all around.

The orchestra started up and the main choir came walking in through the back of the church. I saw Kari with her fabulous new haircut and color, and I started crying. It's a big joke in my family, how much and easily I cry - during movies, when I say good-bye, when I'm moved. But I don't care - I love feeling so full in my heart that I'm easily moved to tears. Tonight was no exception. The choir sang "Dona Nobis Pacem" by Ralph Vaughan Williams. Here are the lyrics:

Nation shall not life up a sword against nation,
neither shall they learn way any more.
And none shall make them afraid,
neither shall the sword go through their land.
Mercy and truth are met together,
righteousness and peace have kissed each other.
Truth shall spring out of the earth;
and righteousness shall look down from heaven.
Open to me the gates of righteousness, I will go into them.
Let all the nations be assembled; and let them hear,
and let them hear, and say, it is the truth.
And it shall come, that I will gather all nations and tongues.
And they shall come and see my glory.
And I will set a sign among them,
and they shall declare my glory among the nations.
For as the new heavens and the new earth,
which I will make, shall remain before me,
so shall your seed and your name remain forever.
Glory to God in the higher, and on earth peace, goodwill toward all.
Dona Nobis Pacem.


And yes, that made me cry. A lot. That was about peace, and I sat there full-hearted once more, wondering why we can't have peace in the world, why we fight all the time, and you can tell me about religions and politics and boundaries, and I don't care. Just because we're different means we have to fight each other. And I wonder what I can personally do about it all, then I realize I can use some of my morning meditation time to just meditate peace, not meditate FOR peace, but meditate the feeling, so maybe others can just FEEL what that perfect feeling of peaceful bliss is like. That's something I can DO, so I will.

The other symbol was light, and some wonderful quotes were used, among them being:

From within or from behind, a light shines through us upon all things and makes us aware that we are nothing, but the light is all. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Your light, O God, fills our whole being and is the light unto our path." - Matthew 6:22 - Psalm 119:105

I believe in the truth of all of those words, and I wonder if I have the words to speak my own truth. Sometimes I worry what others may think about me, if I'm strange, or bad, then I think, "How in the world can I be strange or bad if I'm just being myself?" then that makes me feel a little bolder to speak my truth - I think it's CRUCIAL that we each speak what we know, so I take a deep breath and vow to speak more of my total truth, no matter what. What is my truth today? That I think it's imperative that we all wake up, each of us, to what our hearts and souls are telling us. That we connect with that perfect, unblemished part of ourselves and LISTEN to what it's telling us. I think its message is one of love, and trust, forgiveness and patience. Of respect and service to ourselves and others. But most of all, I think our heart's message to us is simply this: "love."

it makes me sick

Steve reads the Drudge Report every day. I read it sometimes. I like Peggy Noonan; I think she's pretty smart. I don't know too many other writers - I try to read someone new every once in a while; yesterday I found a link to a funny t-shirt site. Figures I'd start out looking at the news and end up shopping. Two days ago Steve told me about one of the top stories on Drudge - 50 year old English women are going to Kenya and picking up young men on the beaches, wining and dining them, having their way with them, buying them some clothes, then saying good-bye. They interviewed one of the young men and here's a snippet of what the article said:

"Many of the visitors are on the lookout for men like Joseph.

Flashing a dazzling smile and built like an Olympic basketball star, the 22-year-old said he has slept with more than 100 white women, most of them 30 years his senior.

"When I go into the clubs, those are the only women I look for now," he told Reuters. "I get to live like the rich mzungus (white people) who come here from rich countries, staying in the best hotels and just having my fun."

At one club, a group of about 25 dancing men -- most of them Joseph look-alikes -- edge closer and closer to a crowd of more than a dozen white women, all in their autumn years.

"It's not love, obviously. I didn't come here looking for a husband," Bethan said over a pounding beat from the speakers.

"It's a social arrangement. I buy him a nice shirt and we go out for dinner. For as long as he stays with me he doesn't pay for anything, and I get what I want -- a good time. How is that different from a man buying a young girl dinner?"



Now, it's not the sex part that bothers me - I can understand that, but there's something about these poor young kids having gone through tough life circumstances (I'm assuming), then having to essentially be prostitutes to stay alive. How about these 50 year old women instead just giving the boys the dinners and clothes, to let them know that the world CAN be a kind, gentle, loving place, and not a place where people use others for their own pleasures, no matter what that other person has gone through?

It's been on my mind these past two days, and I can't seem to shake the sick feeling in my stomach that I get when I think of it. If you want to check the article out for yourself, here's the link: http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN2638979720071126?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=22&sp=true

Why even write about this? I don't know for sure - there are a lot of other worse things going on out there, maybe I think women should be the spiritual leaders and not do this, maybe I'm surprised at how judgmental that last phrase sounds, but it's churned something inside me, and it's interesting to follow my feelings to see what's at the center. Would I ever do something like that? I don't think so. Would I be critical if I found out a friend of mine had done that? I'd first be curious - ask her why, and what it was like, but then yeah, I'd probably be judgmental, so maybe that's at the heart of all of this. If I seriously just let everyone make their own decisions, and believe that's their right, then I wouldn't be getting my panties in a bunch over this. So maybe I still have control issues, thinking MY way is the right way, the best way, and wishing that others would just ... be more like me? Horrifying thought, when I think of all those other not-so-spiritual thoughts and actions I have, so I guess I'll just have to keep spelunking my soul for more self-awareness.

wow

That's all I can say today - wow. I went to Monika's this morning, and she did some amazing energy work for me (thanks, Monika), but I left there feeling REALLY sleepy and out of it (I know what you're thinking...). I transcribed 10 more of Dad's letters (now we're at the point where he's given her the "A" pin, but she won't wear it, because she met Vince down in Florida during the three months they shut down Wellesley for the war, and her parents live in Florida, so she spent January-March of 1943 there - she doesn't know if she loves Bill at this point, or Vince (Vince was very pushy)). Thank god I know how all of this turns out, or I'd be a nervous wreck. Suffice it to say that this book is going to be FABULOUS when we're all done. I'll keep you posted.

I've spoken with a ton of folks who are all feeling long-term nauseous, as well as uber-crabby (my crabbiness seems to be ebbing, but I'm still strangely keeping myself a little distant from Steve) and aching knees. But, even with this freak snowstorm last night, and even though my hands and feet are chilly, due to some temperature imbalances in the house (most rooms won't get above 59 degrees or so - brrrrrrrrrr), my insides are still feeling more and more sunny and fabulous. I'm liking THAT feeling, I tell you, and I think my body's integrating more and more each day, and I'm eternally grateful.

I don't know why some people feel a lot of stuff, and others don't feel anything, or why I seem to feel most EVERYTHING, but it's all okay, and it doesn't bother me that much anymore. Heck, after all I've been through this past year and a half, I'm getting to be quite a professional at talking to myself about it all ("okay, now, Susie - you've had this symptom before. You need to just trust and let go - it will pass soon enough. Do something else - read a book, bake something, meditate, call a friend - you're just fine - you're in perfect health, moving to something greater and greater every day") and I really believe in my body's ability to go through all of these changes just fine. I'm keeping my good diet (even though I'd like to work out a little more), I'm sleeping really well lately, really deeply, and I'm overall feeling pretty calm and peaceful. Still restless about my future, though, and I don't really know what to do about that. Some days I feel like moving to Montana, other days I feel like building a new house here in Fargo, some days I feel like buying a condo in Florida, other days I feel like building a lake place, other days I feel like doing ALL of the above things. On and on, and in the end I do ... nothing. But that's okay for now - with everything else moving so fast, who in the heck knows where we'll all end up? I know I'll still be surrounded by those I love, and everything will be the way it's supposed to be. I believe we're all moving toward a really GREAT place, even if it doesn't always feel like it right now. I believe, I really do.

turning on a dime

The weather's doing it - starting with a beautifully clear blue sky, slight breeze (okay, a slightly MORE than slight breeze), but still I'm able to walk to school to pick Bill up. It remains clear at 6 for basketball practice, but we take the car. Then we hear that a blizzard's moved in in the last hour. I don't believe it until I go outside and see 4 inches of snow. Turn on a dime. What was clear is now obscured, just like how I've been feeling on my insides. The strangest sensation is of being FAT. Well, not fat exactly, but bigger, more bulky, heavier, having more density, but I weigh exactly the same. And Melissa feels the same way, as does Maggie. We went bowling yesterday (I won with a 137, pulled it out right at the end, not that I'm competitive or anything), and my knees hurt SO much, even today they're sore when I squat down. And I know I have good knees. Maggie's knees hurt, too. She mentioned that a friend of hers simply told her "higher ups" that she doesn't want the nausea anymore (we're all still feeling pretty queasy, which has been explained to me as feeling like you're on a merry-go-round energy-wise), but we're all wondering if we can do that, and what it means if we do. Will it mean that we are opting out of this energy round, and then we fall behind, and have to catch up at a later time? Is it like accepting drugs in labor, so that you still have the child but don't feel so much pain?

I don't know the answers to any of it - I just know that I've been feeling really crabby lately, for no apparent reason. I want something to shift, to move, to get me off the mark. I feel like I've just been WAITING for something for a really long long time, and I want to get the party started. I hear about all of these things that are coming - amazing, spectacular, miraculous, the answer to all of my wildest dreams, and I just say, "Well, we'll just see when we see," and continue on with my life.

Great news - I got a working printer. It's been almost 6 months, and you wouldn't think it was a big deal, but it totally is - I'm 100% functional (well, computer-wise speaking, anyway), so I got to print out 75 pages of Dad's letters today. I feel so organized, and THAT'S a really good feeling. I got two e-mails from two separate people both with the subject "help." And the e-mails were right next to each other. Now what are the odds of that happening? And I'm glad I can help people, and I'm glad we're all in this together, and I'm glad to see that I'm not alone. It really seems to help by lessening my schedule - just doing the most necessary things, but still making a list of everything I need to accomplish for the day, broken down into little pieces. But still ... I'd be lying if I didn't say that I'll really be glad when this intense energy time is through - I don't know when that will be, but my instincts tell me somewhere around the first of the year. Are you in the first wave? Are you feeling anything? What helps you? Being with my family, close to home, really feels good and comfortable, so that's what I'm choosing to do. Oh yeah, and cooking Carolina Soup helps, too.

I'm so excited...

that I just can't take it. So many exciting things, but where to start? We had an incredible Thanksgiving with Mom and Dad. Not too much cooking, but FABULOUS food (yes, Melissa, I may just start on publishing my cookbook of incredible eats), and so many laughs. We watched "The Greatest Game Ever Played" and Dad loved it, just like I thought he might. Mom and Dad got to play Wii bowling with the older kids, while the way older kids (Steve and I) and Billy slept. I made goopy rolls the next morning (ah - dreamy ...), worked with Dad on his super-fabulous memoir we're co-writing, then headed back to Fargo. We missed the horrible accident by Jamestown by about 2 minutes. Everyone in the car prayed for the victims, I breathed deeply for about a minute and wiped away some tears, then kept on our way. I think that was one of the best Thanksgivings ever. A friend sent me an e-mail the other day, and it said, "You go through your life thinking it's all little things, then when you get to the end of your life you realize it was the little things that were the big things," and I think I finally understand that. My family is the most important thing to me in my whole life, and loving them and taking care of them is what I want to do. I wouldn't change a thing.

BUT... I ran into a friend yesterday whose daughter-in-law is a well-published writer who's coming to Fargo for Christmas. She asked what I was working on and I told her about Dad's book of memoir. "Okay," she said, "that's it, then. I'll have her call you when she's here and you two can get together and talk about your work." I don't know, but it feels magical. Just to get to talk to another writer, maybe get some ideas about how to network, or who to contact - it just feels good.

Combine that excitement with the sheer excitement of this whole book project - I've already spent over 200 hours on it, and expect to log another 500, at least. I'm in the middle of transcribing 130 letters Dad wrote Mom during the years of 1942-45 while he was at West Point and she at Wellesley. It's an unbelievable love story, and combined with Dad's narrative, we're weaving together a story of his life, as told through his letters, photos, and other memorabilia. So much richness, creativity, and excitement - I can already see the finished book in my head, and it's just beautiful.

I met with Bill Lucas today to talk about turning my final channel on my latest meditation CD into a mini-movie. The track is called "Just Breathe" and we both seem to have the same vision. His son Tucker is a filmmaker, and hopefully wants to get on board, as well. We're just in talking stages, but again, the eery part is that I see it already done, and it gives me shivers just to think about it. What I want to convey with the piece is to inspire people to believe in the unlimited possibilities of their lives and of themselves. The weirdest part for me? Bill looks just like I envision my Higher Self, Sam, to look like, so of course he'd play Sam in the movie. I'll keep you posted as talks continue...

Anything else? That's probably it, although I probably WILL start thinking about putting together a cookbook of all of THEE bestest recipes in my whole life. So it's a one-shot deal, as I blow it all putting 100% of them into one book, but whenever I think of it, I get really excited. I already typed them and put them into spiral bound notebooks for my kids - it's called "Susie's Yum Yums" but I'd probably tweak that name a little bit. So, it's exciting all over, as I continue to see double my client load, and bask in the glory that is my current life of living EXACTLY as I want to live. It's all a hazy miracle sometimes, it seems. But if it's a dream, I just don't want to ever wake up. But I have the distinct feeling that I'm the butterfly dreaming I'm a woman, not a woman dreaming I'm a butterfly. And so I fly ...

easy peasy I feel queasy

Will this never end? Seriously, I'd think something was wrong if Melissa didn't feel the EXACT same things at the EXACT same time. Now even Stevie's feeling them. Mags was sick yesterday, as well. So what's going on here? It appears that we go through these cycles of detoxification (can you say "toilet?"), which start with bloating and constipation (sorry to be so graphic, but these things must be said ...), then you probably feel queasy, then things "release" (enough said), then you may feel "tight," like you've got a temple headache, or a sore neck and back, hips and knees sore. Then you're through this round ... and it starts again. I know it's intense, and I'm puzzled when a friend looks at me and says, "I haven't felt ANYTHING," and I know she's spiritual, so I can't answer the question as to why some of us are feeling it all more intensely, and others aren't. Maybe we just have different language.

Last night I was watching an episode from Season 3 of "Scrubs." Ben, Jordan's brother, dies. We knew he had leukemia, but the way it was shown on the episode, it was really sudden. AND Dr. Cox is crying, because Ben is his best friend. There it goes - the geyser of tears - seriously, I couldn't stop for almost an hour. Was it about "Scrubs?" No - I'm certain not, as I KNOW it's only a show, and Brendan Frasier is still very much alive (thank god). So just another emotional interlude? It appears so - so don't be upset when you cry for no reason - no, it's not the lack of sunshine or the appearance of those little white flakes. Don't be upset when things don't feel like they're moving forward. Heck, EVERYONE I know is feeling this sense of frustration and just hanging around, not going anywhere. I don't mean ANYWHERE, because everything is just perfect in my life, really it is - I've never been happier or more balanced with my work, home, friends, and myself, but still ... something's going on underneath the surface, and we can never quite put our fingers on it. Doing the public channels the first Tuesday of each month helps, but I've got to find someone to transcribe them so I can post them on my website. Meditating to Andrew Weil's "Breathing" CD has done phenomenal things for my integration process (I highly recommend that CD if you haven't heard it yet - I leave my body when I listen to it - really). Cooking also relaxes me, as does cleaning (not too much of that, though, just enough to clear my head).

I'm all packed and ready to head to Bismarck to spend Thanksgiving with Mum and Dad. It's Kari's golden birthday tomorrow (22 on the 22nd), and she sweetly said she wants to spend it with her grandparents. We're only going for a day, but we're bringing our video camera so we can tape Kari singing for Mom and Dad, along with our still camera to take pics of all of us together. And in the end, isn't that what it's all about? Family, friends, and love? Oh, and good food. Always good food.

Happy Grateful Giving Thanks Day to you all - I'll post when I get back on Friday...

lessons

We needed a new floor - the carpet we put in on the stairs was ruined a few months after it was installed (6 years ago). I wanted bamboo - green, and all that. One disaster after another, and one month later it turns out we're going to have to rip the whole thing out and start over. And we can't salvage the bamboo as it was glued down. This makes my heart sick - it's ironic, don't you think? The reason we went with bamboo was so we could be ecologically-minded, and now we're going to waste a whole heap of it because the installer did a horrible job (don't get me started). I know it needs to be done - there are gaps and splinters and nails sticking up at all angles and smudges that won't come off, but still, it has me wondering - what's the lesson in all of this?

Steve thinks I'm just ahead of the curve, and maybe people don't know enough about bamboo to install it properly. North Dakota isn't THAT behind, is it? I don't think so. I remained kind throughout it all, understanding, I never yelled or called anybody a name, I was patient, so it isn't my fabulous ongoing lesson of patience. Do you think that everything that comes into our lives has a lesson for us? I read somewhere that during these times right now, we're learning at an accelerated rate through our adversities - man, I'm on the fast track for sainthood at the rate adversities are appearing in my life. And right now, I'm really okay with it ALL - if I step back and look at the worst things that can happen, I can still live with everything - it's just money, it's just my time, it's just a hassle. But what if I'm supposed to be helping those OTHER people learn their lesson? Like how it's possible to mess up and NOT be yelled at, or how it's really NOT okay to lie to others, and sometimes you will be held accountable for your actions. Okay, so maybe that's it. Maybe it's fine not to wonder about the lessons and just handle things as they come up.

I'm being encouraged to just sit back and be patient, waiting for the next phase of my life to develop. There's something big just around the corner, just wait... and wait and wait and wait. Okay, so patience isn't my long suit, but c'mon, folks - it's been a really long time of just waiting for this new stuff, hasn't it? All the talk of evolution and ascension and enlightenment, and we're here, sure, maybe, but there's still a hold up for most of us, and then I think, who said how it's supposed to go? Who said there was a timeline for anything? Do I really believe that everything unfolds in Divine Order, or am I just a hypocrite who knows the right things to say, but not necessarily how they pertain to me? I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know, but today my thumb feels better (still a little hot and swollen), and I'm actually getting some work done, so maybe it's okay just to release my own expectations for the time being, suspend them until after the holidays. After all, what's the rush? We have all the time in the Universe, don't we?

devolving

I'm not going to lie to you - this is an embarrassing story. I am not coordinated; in fact, I have always been extremely clumsy. In 7th grade, I broke my right ankle slipping on the ice on the way to school - I thought the dark patch on the ground was water (in the middle of February - did I mention that I also don't have much common sense?). I walk into doors and walls, I hit my head on most everything, and one time - oh, one time, back in 1979, I was walking with my boyfriend Jim down at Kirkwood Mall, and we were saying goodbye to our friend Warren. While saying goodbye, we were walking backwards, away from him, you know, like you do. Well, just as I was turning around to walk forward again, my foot hit something - the plastic seats that are in the middle of the mall for weary shoppers. An elderly couple was sitting on the seat. I fell DIRECTLY ON TOP of the elderly couple, and I threw out my hand to catch myself, only to have it fall straight into the trash can. Sigh - it's a visual. Jim walked away laughing (can you blame him? We broke up shortly after that).

So suffice it so say that although it hurt, I wasn't that surprised when I slammed the toilet lid on my thumb early this morning (don't even ask ...). Surprisingly, I'm not mad at Steve for not lowering it (even if I fell in once last week - again, in the early morning), so that's something new for me. I'm not instantly blaming someone else for my unfortunate events that occur almost daily. But what's amazing to me is that I never realized how much I rely on my thumbs - that whole "opposable" thing. Even right now as I'm typing my thumb is throbbing every time I hit the space key. I have work to do - 20 of Dad's letters to transcribe for his memoir book, a chocolate rum cake to bake for Thanksgiving, maybe even a little Guitar Hero (hey, I'm up to "hard" on most songs). I think of all the jokes about animals not having opposable thumbs, and how that makes them inferior to us, and I never really thought about all of the things you need thumbs for (it was a BEARCAT to put my tight jeans on this morning). Think about it - we evolve with certain gifts and talents, and we take them for granted. So I've evolved in certain areas, and I haven't really stopped to think about any of it, but this whole black-thumbnail-it-will-probably-fall-off incident stops me in my tracks on this gray Sunday morning. I think maybe I am still moving too fast, not walking slowly enough through my days to be mindful of the toilet lid, or whatever it was that cut my OTHER thumb, or caused that bruise on my upper right thigh.

So if I'm not DEVOLVING, exactly, I'm certainly not appreciating where I am in my current state of evolution. Today is a slow day, a play day, and tomorrow is a baking and grocery shopping day. But today I'm wondering if I got the lesson right - slow down, and before you sit down, for gosh sake's, make SURE you're holding the lid tightly before you let go...

What is this feeling?

I haven't always loved my body. Heck, I haven't always even LIKED my body. I've been 6'1" since I was 12 years old, I have HUGE feet, the space between my ankles and knees goes on FOREVER, as does the space between my wrists and elbows (FOREVER). My nose kind of looks like a horse's nose, and I've got a manly kind of body (not many curves). Hey, I'm a realist - I see things as they really are - I know that it could've been a lot worse. My body's strong, it's healthy, it's proportionate (except for the leg thing). So I've gone through most of my 47 years looking at my body in a utilitarian sort of way - as an instrument for getting things done. It helps me work, do projects, kind of like a workhorse. But an odd thing happened to me the other day. I was lying in bed, right before I got up, and I usually take a few minutes just to sit quietly. I looked over at my arm that my head was resting on, and really looked at it. It's the same old arm, with the same old moles, a little more wrinkled. Then I felt something start in my heart and spread out hot and electric-like through my whole body. I couldn't figure the feeling out - what was it? I'd never felt that before when I'd looked at my arm (or leg or face). Then I got it - it's love... I'm in love. I think I may have even kissed my arm at that point (sort of like that old joke - "Let me kiss the hand of the most beautiful person in the whole world" - then you kiss your own hand - it's hilarious).

The feeling was almost overwhelming as I realized that I not only liked and accepted my body - I was in LOVE with my body. But not just my BODY body, but this whole physical thing that my energies are housed in. It's more a realization that I'm in intimate partnership with another intelligence, my body, and it's not only intelligent, it's fabulous. I breathed that feeling for a while before I started my day, but I'm still stuck with the feeling of receiving that precious gift, and excited to see how our relationship will unfold. It's as if I woke up and found myself with the most wonderful person in the whole world, AND I NEVER SAW THEM BEFORE. How could I miss that? How could I just take myself for granted all these years? How could I not see how much my incredible body does for me? There's no way I could do all of that stuff all by myself: "Okay, heart, pump. Pump again - oh darn - I forgot - pump again..." It's amazing, it really is.

So today I'm thankful for my body, and so grateful that it's stuck with me even when I wasn't nice to it, even when I filled it full of chemicals and dyes and fats and sugars and poisons. Even when I ignored it and filled it full of caffeine to keep it going. Even when I took an aspirin instead of resting its sore back. Even when I looked in the mirror and saw that little roll of fat on my belly and felt a little repulsed. Even when ... what kind of an incredible gift is this to us in this lifetime, to have these bodies that are taking us through the tumultuous waters of ascension and enlightenment? How can we thank them? I do Reiki on myself whenever I think of it, and send loving thoughts to my body, I pay attention to BEING in my body, I eat good foods and take plenty of time to rest and play. I choose my thoughts as often as possible (Billy's helping me), I stretch and walk.

It's just so odd to not have gotten it before, but it's never too late to start this love affair so late in life. My body never went anywhere - it was just waiting for me to wake up (or grow up), and I'm so grateful I have.

climbing without a safety net

Bill's a great climber. Every Wednesday he goes to the Y to climbing club. He's learning about different holds, how to belay, how to tie on, and how to become a stronger climber. Yesterday I was watching him through the window on the main floor. They start climbing in the basement and climb up 50 feet, past the big picture window in the front lobby. I watched him carefully but quickly climb the corner rope, heard him ring the bell, then I turned around to study. Then something felt odd in my heart - not IN my heart, exactly, but all around it. I turned around quickly and saw Bill still at the top, clinging to the rocks. I ran downstairs and asked him if he was okay.

"No, I'm stuck," he said in a small voice.

I didn't know what that meant, but I was starting to panic, looking at how he was only inches away from that rope at the top, and wondering if it was safe, and not knowing how to help him.

"Take some deep breaths, sweetie," I said calmly, "just stay calm. Everything's all right."

"What happened?" I asked Kevin who was quickly tying himself onto a rope to go up to get Bill.

"His rope twisted a couple of times, so by the time he got up to the top, it was slack, so it feels like you're going to fall," he explained. "It actually happens a lot."

So Bill wasn't actually STUCK, but he was just scared because it felt like nothing was holding him. It was deadly quiet in the whole room, and everyone was watching Bill. Kevin shimmied himself up to the top and grabbed firmly onto Bill's rope.

"See, Bill? I've got you - you're safe. You're not going to fall. Now just push back against the wall and walk down it. You're okay."

Bill wiped his face against his sleeve and kept his head bent as he descended. I wanted to run up to him and help him get untied, but I knew I should let him take the lead, so I stood there and just watched and waited. Nobody said anything when he got down, but Kevin asked him if he'd like to get a drink and come back and climb again. Bill nodded and we walked upstairs to the drinking fountain.

"I think you were very brave, Bill," I told him.

"I was kinda scared," he said, "I cried a little."

"I would've cried a LOT," I said, "I would've felt the EXACT same thing - scared because it felt like I'd fall." And I hugged him tightly, then let him go climb the wall again.

I think what's so amazing about this story is my reaction to it all - I don't think I would've had the nerve to climb again - heck, the last time I was on a treadmill my pulse raced up to 160 for some unknown reason and I quit the health club and haven't been on a treadmill since. I'm a chicken in some ways. But Bill isn't. Even though he was scared dangling up 50 feet above the ground without a safety net, he went right back up that wall 5 minutes later. He has faith, he has trust that sometimes bad things just happen. I even tried to blame the young belayer (I know, I know, shame on me, but I'm a mother, we have to blame someone sometimes, don't we?), asking Bill if he thought she was too young to be belaying for him.

"No," he said, "she's pretty good," and didn't even sound mad. Now THAT'S a spiritual being - someone who doesn't blame others (whoops), has the faith to get back up on that wall even if they're scared they'll fall, and someone who isn't afraid to admit when they're scared. Bill is my hero - he is my Teacher and an overall pretty amazing guy, and I need to remember his moxie the next time I feel like I'm climbing without a safety net (which is pretty much every minute of every day). I'll hear Kevin's voice in my ear saying, "Don't worry, I've got you," and maybe I'll be able to keep climbing, even when I'm scared.

walking proudly or being dragged...

it's up to us, but we're going anyway. I've been thinking about that these past few days, along with the amazing realization that there are still some people who don't seem to be going through any of these things that have been such a prevalent part of my life these past 5 years. Some insinuate that I make it all harder, some hint that they're more evolved than me, so it's easier for them, some worry that it hasn't started for them, some probably wonder what planet I'm from. This is what I think: I've been immersed and interested in this work for over 20 years - you could call it a passion, a quest, a hobby, but when you're passionate about something you spend time with it, so I've spent a LOT of time immersed in the spiritual world. So I'm interested in it - there are some people who aren't interested in it, or not tuned into it, or who don't use the same language I use, and that's all right. It doesn't mean that anyone's right or wrong, better or worse, just different. So when I know that we're all walking to this new place of being, that's just my opinion, but we don't seem to be able to stop the global process, we can only kick and scream and drag our feet, like kids not wanting to go to bed - "But Moooooooooom," we scream as she throws us over her shoulder and starts up the stairs. Really, all we do is tire ourselves out by making a scene, by trying to change the inevitable outcome - we know it's past our bedtime, and a part of us knows it's in our best interests to get to bed - heck, we even LOVE sleeping... once we get up there. It's just that whole switching from one activity into the next - the transition time that gets us, don't you think? I'm used to my life, and now I'm expected to just stay fluid and open from one moment to the next, not trying to control outcomes or keep things the same, and it's hard to do something different when I've done something my whole life (heck, for ALL of my lives, probably). So we're transitioning from the old into the new.

Are you kicking and screaming? Are you being dragged into the new? Are you walking proudly? Okay, admittedly I'm probably not walking PROUDLY, but I think I'm walking, probably, still probably bitching a little about the whole thing (why does it have to take so long, why does it have to be so intense, when will it be over --- ARE WE THERE YET???????????). So I think about releasing the old and just concentrating on walking, every day, every step, easily and unencumbered into the unknown, trusting that I'll have everything I need provided for me, and that I have everything inside of me to deal with the next step. I had a dream last night in which I thought I was going to die. At the moment of my death I had this thought - it's not so hard dying - just let go."

So that's what I'm doing right now - just letting go. We won't crash, we won't fall, we won't crumble - we will finally realize that all this time we could fly. And that's exactly what is called for at this time - being light enough to fly.

Acclimatisation Process - ascending the heights

FASCINATING STUFF... I was doing my weekly tune-in for Melissa (she does one for me, too) and the information came forward that the physical symptoms many of us are currently experiencing are a result of our ascending to a new place, and needing to acclimate to the higher frequencies. So, I googled "altitude sickness symptoms" and this is what I found:

Acute Mountain Sickness (AMS)

AMS is very common at high altitude. At over 3,000 metres (10,000 feet) 75% of people will have mild symptoms. The occurrence of AMS is dependent upon the elevation, the rate of ascent, and individual susceptibility. Many people will experience mild AMS during the acclimatisation process. The symptoms usually start 12 to 24 hours after arrival at altitude and begin to decrease in severity around the third day.

The symptoms of Mild AMS include:

Headache
Nausea & Dizziness
Loss of appetite
Fatigue
Shortness of breath
Disturbed sleep
General feeling of malaise
Symptoms tend to be worse at night and when respiratory drive is decreased. Mild AMS does not interfere with normal activity and symptoms generally subside within two to four days as the body acclimatises. As long as symptoms are mild, and only a nuisance, ascent can continue at a moderate rate. When hiking, it is essential that you communicate any symptoms of illness immediately to others on your trip.

Moderate AMS

The signs and symptoms of Moderate AMS include:-
Severe headache that is not relieved by medication
Nausea and vomiting, increasing weakness and fatigue
Shortness of breath
Decreased co-ordination (ataxia).

I don't know about any of you, but I've been feeling these symptoms for the last three weeks, ever since I went to Minneapolis and almost fainted on Saturday morning. It appears that we've "graduated" from our ascension symptoms into the acclimatisation symptoms, so that's why I wanted to bring this information forward for anyone to ponder. It makes sense to me, only in that I've been feeling almost carsick on and off for the past week, like I've been reading in the back seat. It's fascinating to me, and I know I'll have a lot to think about at least for the rest of the day.

To be in this new land, and to know that it's never been done before, and to realize that we're all in this together - well, it's exciting to me - I love adventure, the newness of not-knowing, like the explorers must feel, on the edge of a big discovery. Only this time, the discover is ourselves, and that's a grand discovery in my books. So we're all Edmund Hillary, ascending Everest for the first time, not knowing how we'll be affected or how we'll feel, but having that prid in knowing that we DID it - and it's never been done before. But now we're all asking the big question - NOW WHAT?

I wanna be ...

just like my dad. I think I'm like BOTH my mom and dad, and that's a really good, too. He's 84, in perfect health (after a few scares in earlier years), and has a great outlook on life. We're sharing "The Great Course" on the introduction to philosophy, and another one in understanding physics. We're both listening to them, trading them, listening to the OTHER ones, then talking about it. He even knew about the horseshoe structure out over the Grand Canyon. He never stops being interested in the world around him, even though much of his days are taken up with the day-to-day meal preparation, medicine adminstering, and catching up on sleep. Oh, and the great drives around town. What do I really want to say? I want to be the healthy one - the one that only has to take one Vitamin D tablet a week, the one who can walk without help, who doesn't need to go to several different doctors for several different reasons.

And this is NOT about my mom, whom I love DEARLY, but it is about me, and about my dad, and how I've been wondering lately if I'm taking such good care of myself because I want to avoid being dependent and crippled up in my later years. And I've been wondering if I'm expecting Steve to stay healthy because I'm scared that I'll have to take care of him when he's old, and then I'm wondering how cruel and heartless that sounds to be predicting the future on such a conditional basis - of course he'd be there for me if I needed him (I'm thinking he would be - it hasn't been tested yet); isn't that true love? It's more of a "we're in this together" mentality, than a "you'd better not get sick" mentality, and I think it's because of what I went through in that hospital last summer with Mom - the night I spent with her when she was dying, and I saw how hard it was for Dad, and I was so sad, and so drained.

And I can't stop thinking about that night lately, and I think I may need to talk to a friend about it some more. If it's still in the front of my mind, I must still be feeling some things. Maybe it's more about wanting to be strong for Dad, and my sisters, and everyone else, and less about how I actually FELT sitting beside Mom in that room, rubbing her arm, talking to her, wondering if she'd be alive in a few hours, and not possibly knowing how I would ever be able to carry on without her, my mom. It's just life, I know that, in its fullness - no good no bad just ... life, and we can't predict our futures, even WITH a great cholesterol count, or zero inflammation. Sometimes stuff just happens. Maybe Steve will live to be a robust 100, and I'll drop over in a few years - who can say? We go when we go, and there's little control on this plane when that happens. So I found out something about myself, and it is this: I think it's really GOOD to take exquisite care of yourself, because you're the most important person in your life, but to have your motives be in expectation that you'll get more years, or better years, well, you just can't buy that kind of promise, so I'm releasing yet again back into the Void of "Just Because-ness" and loving my health and body just because I do, and I love my husband, and I'll be there for him no matter what he needs from me, because he is my love and my heart, and I still want to be like my dad, but I suspect I already AM.

breaking through

Bill and I and some of my family (sisters and Mom and Dad) went to China. Bill was a baby at the time, so I didn't get to do much "fun stuff" besides take care of him (common part of these kind of dreams). All of a sudden we're all sitting in the family room at our childhood house in Bismarck. "Mom," I said, "is this okay that we're in the house? It belongs to the Abused Women now."

"Yes, it's okay," Mom assured me.

"Are we allowed to house our spirit bodies on the main floor just while we dream?" I asked her again.

"Yes," she replied.

Wow. First of all, I realized I was dreaming (lucid dreaming) because I talked about "housing our spirit bodies on the main floor for our dreams." Second of all, the symbolic childhood house appears to be where my family "gathers" to talk about stuff. I remember telling one of my sisters that her recent incredible e-mail to me made me cry. Then she told me she loves my blue eyeliner. Then I remember waking up WHILE I was saying a LONG sentence, really loudly and clearly. I don't remember what I said, but I remember that my own voice was so loud that it woke me up. I was firmly telling somebody something, which goes along with what I was talking to Mom about yesterday - the difficulty (at least in our family) we have being straight with people, especially when they've done something that's hurt us in some way. Isn't it our DUTY to let others know when they've stepped over that line into OUR space? I think so, but we're just so gosh darned worried about hurting OTHERS that we keep quiet, or worse, talk about it to others, not to the person themselves. So apparently I'm working out stuff in my dreams, and I've been falling asleep around 9 every night, and waking up at 5AM without fail for the past few nights. I made Carolina Soup yesterday morning, and it made for a GREAT hot breakfast. This morning I started in on my antixodant textbook for my holistic nutrition studies (FASCINATING STUFF).

Right now I'm peaceful, although smack in the middle of three unfinished, frustrating events that are swirling all around me. But when I just let the plates slow down of their spinners, then put them carefully on the counter, I realize that I don't have to spin them - that's the illusion. That doesn't mean I don't have to deal with them, but I don't have to keep my eye on them at all times - that's too tiring. So I'll get those papers off to the lawyer this morning, and I'll talk to Cassie about the stairs later today, and I'll grapple with the Toyota office when I get the chance, maybe next week, but until then, we've got a 4 day weekend, a refrigerator full of good food, a fireplace that's just screaming for some action, and even some organic popcorn that might make its way onto the stove today. Life is good. No - I take that back - LIFE IS PERFECT.

accountability

"... answerable, capable of being accounted for, explainable, responsible." My heart is so full of so many things today, I will gather them all up in my arms and label all of them "what I am responsible for." I love my mom and dad more than almost any people on the entire Earth. I told my mom this morning that she did the best she could raising all of us, and at a certain point, she gets let off the hook for our childhood, and we become responsible for our actions and our behavior toward Mom and Dad. If we choose to see them as mean or cruel, that's OUR problem, and it's NOT Mom and Dad's faults - all of us sisters are responsible for our feelings towards our parents. I believe that's true about our relationships with everyone, including ourselves. I feel responsible for my mom and dad's well-being - I take time every day to send them love, and see what I can do to make their lives a little lighter. I would do anything for them.

I love my husband, Steve. He is the most forgiving, patient (holy cow - don't get me started), loving, sweet, kind person I know. He would give not only his shirt to someone who needed it, but would also invite them into his closet to pick out some other stuff they might like. I pray for his happiness, I pray that he feels safe, and loved, and nurtured, accepted and understood. I love all of my children. Kari, down in Minneapolis, forging a life separate from mine, complete with her own distinct set of beliefs and values. I worry about her - is she safe, is she eating well, is she taking her supplements, is she overdoing it. She is my jewel of a daughter, and I respect her strength and her beauty. I love my son Erik, my responsible, strong, so sweet young man, who's making incredible strides out there in the "real" world - I ache for him sometimes, wishing I could make anything bad go away, but I can't. I love my stepson Jordan, who I worry about, sometimes more, and sometimes less, but I DO worry. I wonder if he knows people love him, I wonder if he loves himself, or even knows himself, I wonder how he will BE in this world. And I know that I can't do anything FOR him, he needs to live his own life, but still I feel responsible. And Bill, sweet William - my little Buddha boy. I can't imagine my life without our sweet youngest, those big eyes when they look at me and say, "Choose another thought, Mom," or the way he bumps the side of my head while we're walking to school, my arm around him, and says, "Bump ahead, Mom." (get it? Bump "a head").

Sometimes I love everyone SO much I wonder if I'm leaning too far over into their lives, hoping for certain things, expecting certain behavior, wanting them to live or say or think or be the way I think they should be. That's not unconditional love - that's control (yup - issues, I know), and that's conditional love, and I do it out of love, but that's what every single "good" mother across the globe says - "I do it because I love you," and that's not working for me anymore. I want to walk down my path and feel like I'm solidly on my path, and not looking over at everyone else on their path and saying, "Can I get you anything? How are you feeling? Is that pack too heavy? Here - have all of my water." It just doesn't work anymore - this sacrificial, martyr-like thing that I do, giving everything up kind of mindset. I can feel it in my insides when things start to melt down, as they did last week - then it all feels imbalanced, and I wish I had ALL of my energies back so I could tend to my own life, and make decisions. How much do we do out of responsibility, because we feel accountable to someone for something?

Today I envision myself at the hub of a wheel, and all those I love at the tips of the spokes around the wheel. We are connected, but I'm at the center of my life, balanced and centered. If I feel the urge to lean over into someone else's life, I can ask myself, "Is this serving them in the best way possible for THEIR life?" If the answer is no, or I can't answer the question, chances are the answer is NO, and I might pick another possible action or conversation.

I am feeling sad about a sister, and how I don't feel like I know her anymore, and when I "look" at her I see her standing all alone, sad, but I don't know what else I can say to her, other than what I've already said. She doesn't want any of us in her life, and I feel sad for her, because I know what it feels like to feel all alone. We never really ARE alone, but sometimes we can FEEL that way, and I'm going to keep sending her love, all the while knowing that none of us are responsible for anybody else in this world except ourselves, and our actions and decisions in our lives are just that - OUR actions and OUR decisions - and those are the things that we ARE responsible for.