It's all my fault

I got my physical yesterday, then asked my doctor about my yearly slew of preventative tests I always have run, but imagine my surprise when she said no. She said that it's people like me that are ruining the health care system. I asked her how in the world she came to that conclusion, and she answered, "Healthy people getting unnecessary tests." I explained that Mom had just died from diabetes, so I didn't think a glucose test was unnecessary. She asked if I had any symptoms, and I said no, so she said I don't have diabetes and don't need the test. I explained to her that I exercise, eat well, take my vitamins, keep my weight down, ALL out of my own pocket (no insurance money for tennies, vitamins, massages, yoga class), and that we pay IN over $6000 to the insurance company, and hardly use a fraction of it throughout the year - no hospital visits, procedures, prescription meds, clinic visits - NOTHING. How am I ruining the health care system? Isn't it more responsible to keep yearly tabs on my numbers so I can see the beginning of a trend, and head off any serious ailment early, thus SAVING the insurance companies millions of dollars in subsequent meds, procedures, operations, hospital visits? PREVENTION IS the key to turning around the whole health care crisis.

In all fairness to my doctor, she DOES believe in preventative medicine, and I can understand her point, but I still don't understand how my using up $500 a year in my insurance premiums, giving the companies a yearly net gain FROM me of $5500 is ME ruining the system. Yes, I'm frustrated, yes, I'm peeved, yes, I'm 100% healthy, and yes, I want my yearly slew of tests. This feels like the whole Wall Street bailout all over again - I'm responsible, I don't take advantage of anything, and now I'm being punished and penalized by other people's actions. There must be some lesson or gift here for me, maybe it's about standing up for myself more and speaking out (I know - you may think I DO speak out, but I really don't - I want people to LIKE me - they won't like you if you speak out, will they?). I'll have to figure it out. In the meantime, I'm writing my doctor a letter, explaining those three points: 1- I pay IN way more than I pay out, 2- I pay for my own preventative things, and 3 - preventative tests will save the companies money in the long run, as they'll catch nasty stuff early. I don't know what she'll think, and I don't much care. It's just important for me to tell her how I feel, and if need be, I'll switch doctors to somebody who might be able to understand my point of view a little better. But seriously ... give me a break - please. This was a really crappy, intense summer in a lot of ways (beautiful and fabulous in other ways), and I just want somebody to wrap their arm around me, hold me, and say, "I'll take care of you for a while." Just a little break - that's all, even if just from my doctor.

fun times

Well, here it is - one of the statue pictures. How fun to have my whole family there, to share the moment. I went to Holly's party afterward, and had a grand time bonding with everyone. We made plans with Deb and Gabe for dinner, and Lisa Lee and Max for dinner - I hope Steve doesn't mind. We don't go out much, well, okay, NEVER, so it's time to start, right?

I had my yearly exam today, and told my doctor I wanted my annual tests run, but she said no - it's abusive to our health care system to call for unnecessary tests on healthy people. I told her, "Listen - I AM healthy - I exercise, I am a good weight, I eat well. I only come in here once a year for my exam and for the tests. I don't go to the hospital or clinic, I'm not on any prescription meds - I'M not the one costing the health care system - I PAY IN $7000 a year for insurance, and we don't come anywhere NEAR using that. So how am I abusing the system?" Well, she said, multiply people like you by the thousands, and there you have the problem - healthy people getting unnecessary tests. I'm still a little angry. Shouldn't I be allowed to have these preventative tests every year, if that's the only thing I do? But she caved a little, and is letting me get my blood sugar and cholesterol checked. I'll see if I can go somewhere else to get the total blood count, and thyroids, and any other tests I want. Do you think that's fair? Okay, I'm mildly ranting, so I'll calm down. My blood pressure was fabulous (despite this rant), and when I mentioned my hair was falling out - a lot - she said that grief and stress was the major cause of hair loss, so that makes me feel a lot better. It also made me feel a lot better to hear her tell me I'm healthy, and not to worry.

So I won't - I'll enjoy the rest of this morning before my Symphony board meeting - maybe go for a long, slow walk, or meditate some more. Although the sun is shining, it feels like a lazier day to me, but then lately, they've ALL seemed like lazy days, even if we ran around this whole weekend. As Scarlett O'Hara says, "Tomorrow is another day." And I want to express my sadness of the passing of Paul Newman - he was a great guy. That's the only part about this mortality stuff - it's finite. Fun times, fun times.

ahhhhhh

I love unique things, doing extraordinary things, novel things. Last night was no exception to this amazing fall of new adventures. I had no idea what to expect, as we'd never been in FULL dress before. I slipped my black turtleneck over my head, pulled on my two pair of tights, and let myself be "dressed." Then I had my makeup "done," and I admit - I felt like a famous model, being primped over - I'm NOT a primper. Having 4 older sisters and just one bathroom AND being on the basketball team for 10 years and only getting 3 minutes to go from sweaty to out the door, I never got the knack of "primping." So this is fun - really fun.

When Kyle was done with my makeup, I looked at everyone else looking at me. They all had kind of scared, slightly revolted expressions on their faces. Not so good. I looked in a mirror - the whole left side of my face was painted pure black, then smudged over to the right side of my face, with some brown patches worked in. Scary. Kind of like I'd been halfway charred. But good because the Giacometti statue looked like that. I walked in to the Green Room in full dress, and all the musicians said, "Whoa!" "I'm SO wearing this home tonight to play dress-up with my husband," I said in a smoky voice. "Keep it fresh," Deb, the flutist, said. The piece started - the Elmwood statue was first, then the Picasso, then the Divine Potter, then me. My heart was pounding. No, I wasn't nervous, but kind of nervous to wonder if I could stand on that pedestal and not fall over for the necessary time. They led me out, I stepped up into the device, stuck my chest and pelvis out, pushed my hands into my sides, all like the sculpture, then clenched my jaw (I'm sad and angry), and looked midway down. When Holly sang, "I can't see myself," I looked out coldly and slowly over the entire audience, and when she struck her final note, "Ah," a low D, I slowly lowered my head. Awesome.

The crowd went crazy for Holly's performance, screaming, standing for at least 5 minutes. They screamed when we statues walked out, and Holly went back at least 4 times to bow again. An overall amazing night, and one that I am SO grateful to have been a part of. Something creative, artistic, new, fresh. The next step? Another concert this Sunday at 2PM at the Plains. If you're in the mood for an experience, check it out. As for me for today? I'm off to assemble Bill kitty litter cake for his birthday party tonight, then who knows? The sky's the limit, baby, and I'm feeling ahhhhhhhh-some.

financial crisis? Chicken Little, much?

Is the sky falling? Is the world ending? Or is everything okay? I e-mailed my financial advisor last week and looking at my numbers in my portfolio, asked her what they were doing to protect my assets? They'd dropped over 30%. She e-mailed back that she had no idea where I was getting my numbers, but we were doing really great. Looking this morning, I'm down another $17,000 from yesterday. Yeah, really great. I e-mailed her back this morning and told her to just forget about it - I just hope my portfolio doesn't drop to zero, in the meantime.

Am I worried? Yesterday I felt tired and dizzy upon standing, disoriented. I thought it was from all the body work I'd had done to help with my tight muscles and re-root canal, but then I figured I may be tuning in on the global fear factor at play right now. Bush saying the economy is in danger, this bail out going on. I had a great idea, walking home from dropping Bill of from school - why don't we ask all the Wall Street traders and company owners who've made hundred of millions of dollars in the past years, to donate half of their earnings? Aren't we partially bailing everyone out because of somebody's greed? I know there are some consumers who were greedy, buying second houses, mortgaging up the yin yang (whatever body part THAT is), burning up the credit cards to get more toys (hey, I love things, too, so I'm not being unkind), trying to milk the system to get the most out of it. So is that wrong? Then what about the others who got into trouble legitimately? I haven't heard any of their stories, so I don't know, but I'm sure they're out there. I'm just a little peeved that I keep my credit cards at 0, only have one house mortgage and one house, don't have extra toys or go on trips, and now I, a taxpayer, have to bail somebody out. I feel like the responsible older child getting punished for the behavior of my younger, immature, greedy sibling. Why should I have to suffer? I know, I know, we're here to take care of each other, but what lessons will everyone learn if we keep bailing everybody out? If you're a parent, you know the answer to that question - they'll know they can get away with it, and they'll keep doing it (being irresponsible and greedy and immature). An answer? Tough love, but how do you do that with a whole nation? I have no idea. I'm just talking here, but I don't want to be a Chicken Little, running around saying that the sky is falling because I felt one clunk on my head. I believe that what's happening is supposed to be happening - it's all a question of balance - if it's true that the US (and other countries, as well - it's just not us) have gotten in over our heads, overcommercialized and overmaterialized, then something's got to give - it can't just keep going over to that side - the rich get more and more stuff, while the poor are dying in bigger numbers than ever.

I don't know, I don't know, I just don't know. Today I am giving money to the Diabetes Association, to WALKsudan, to the Fargo Public Library and to the Symphony. I keep the money flowing through to those who need it, and trust that what I need will come my way. Do we put our money where our mouths are (so to speak)? Do we believe in unlimited abundance? And I'm NOT talking about seriously working on manifesting winning the lottery or a trip to Hawaii -that's just more greed. I'm talking about being a PART OF the rest of the world - where do we fit into the whole picture? Up at the top, fat and smug, looking down at everyone else, relieved that we aren't like them? Or realizing that maybe we have an OBLIGATION to help others if we're in the financial position to do it, and I guarantee you if you're reading this on your computer, you're richer than most people in the world.

Maybe we can just stop a minute and think about it - do I really need another J Crew skirt? A new TV? No and no, so I won't buy them. Stop. Think. That's what I'll be doing these days, not automatic, not knee jerk, not fear. Just mindful presence and realization of the abundance that's found right inside of us, just by us being here and being us - that is eternal and never-ending, and if we really FEEL that, maybe we won't need to keep buying all the stuff, and then needing bailouts, and crashing the stock market, and I'm talking about ME, folks, nobody else, because I like to buy stuff, and I buy more than I need, and if I stop to think about it, it really IS a question of not feeling like it's ever enough, like my life is filled up by having more and more 'things' but I know that's not true - it's never been true. Sure, there are a ton of people that have more than us, but if it's too much for me, then it's too much for me, not comparing myself to anyone else.

Maybe that's the heart of all of this financial crisis - not that there's not enough money anymore, but we've just been spending it in the wrong way, and now we're given the opportunity to look at our lives and our patterns and make changes that will benefit us. I don't know - I'm just thinking out loud this morning (something I do a lot). It's pretty interesting, pretty deep stuff, though, from MY standpoint, anyway. But NO Chicken Little for me, that much I'm sure of. What will be, will be, sings Doris Day- que sera sera. I'm going to go look up those words on lyric.com...

canned

What a great day yesterday was - my bff Melissa came over yesterday (bff = best friends forever - I want matching rings like Spongebob and Patrick, with little miniatures of the other person on the rings - funny!), brought a box of jars, and all the other accoutrements (wow - I had to spellcheck THAT word), and we got to work. I was her pupil, she my Master. I think I did well as a student - I'm in that role of master a lot, teaching others, so it's great to just sit back and get to learn for a while. We had a ton of fun, washing jars and talking about boys (we always talk about our boys). I can tell her anything, and believe me when I say that I tell a lot of people a lot of things, but I think she knows more about me than anybody ever. There's just that safety issue - I trust her, and that is not an easily won commodity. So, thank YOU, Missy Pooh, for the fabulous afternoon - I've got your jar of tomatoes on the counter. That was one thing I'd always wanted to do - can. Go figure. This appears to be the summer of firsts. I was with someone (Mom) when she died, I married Trin and Melissa, I canned, I ate a cricket. Oh, the list goes on.

Hey - check out the front page of Lifestyles, lower right - that's the recital I'll be a statue for. It's great they put it as a recommendation for the weekend. Holly Wrensch, the mezzosoprano is absolutely unbelievable. I was instantly transported when I first heard her sing in rehearsals. PLUS - world class musicians Leigh Wakefield, Deb Harris, Russ Peterson, Jane Capistran and others are part of a chamber orchestra - we need some really good energy right now in the midst of this mess, don't we? Friday at 7:30 at Concordia Recital Hall, and Sunday at 2PM at the Plains Art Museum - I'll be the uh, tall one, standing in the front, in the bronze and black girdle and headdress.

It is raining, and the candles are lit, and Justin Timberlake is singing of summer love, and I can still smell the chocolate chip cookies I baked last night - a double batch, first of four batches of cookies I'm making for care packages for Dad and Kari. Today I'll make snicker doodles, gingersnaps, and Christmas cookies (in shapes of leaves and pumpkins for fall). I love Dad and Kari, and I think they need care packages - I know I always loved them - I'll bring a few extra for the boys at the post office - they always ask.

So the sky is light steel gray, the leaves are greener than usual, the air is heavier, moister, and I feel like curling up in bed, having not gotten out of my jammies for two days in a row, but I will, I will - my day awaits.

community

Dear Kari sent us an e-mail yesterday. An Augsburg student was murdered on his way back from teaching kids in the projects. Expecting to read about it in the paper, imagine her surprise when there was only a teeny blurb on one of the back pages. What took front page? A slight development in a murder case (old case) of a white woman by a white man, not even in the area.

The young student's name? Ahmed. Yeah, he's not white, and he's not FROM America, but is he a part of the community? Is he a part of the US's community? Or is he just another one of those darned "others?" What a nuisance, trying to get them to speak English and adapt to our ways, and our tests, our society. It's just so much WORK. What's 'our' community, then? The middle income white Scandinavian folks we've grown up with? Is there room for anyone else? It's like my memory of going into a small rural church and being totally ignored (that doesn't happen in every rural church, but DID happen in this one) - I felt like an intruder on their little club. They didn't WANT anyone new there - they were happy exactly the way it was. So I left, without having talked to anyone, or had anyone come up to talk with me. That was okay, but I sure didn't feel welcomed.

What's the big deal, then? Are we afraid of losing ourselves, or losing something if we let others in, who may have different skin colors or experiences? Can't we learn from them, make our own little world larger? What can we do? I don't have any of those answers, but something has stirred deep within me these past few days, starting with writing the article for WALKsudan, and talking with Roy, to hearing from Kari. I urged her to write a letter to the editor of the Star Tribune to tell them how she feels about the unfair reporting and treatment of others who are not white, and she gave me permission to print it here. I love her so very much, and am so very proud of her and who she is in this world.

I am deeply disappointed and disturbed by the Star Tribune's
coverage of the murder of Augsburg student Ahmed Ali, who was fatally shot Monday evening after tutoring neighborhood Somali children at a community center. As a recent graduate of Augsburg I received an e-mail Monday night notifying me of the terrible news. Tuesday morning I logged on to StarTribune.com expecting to see a full page spread of the event. To my shock I learned that Ahmed Ali's murder didn't even make the front page. In fact, the story barely made an appearance. I had to search "Augsburg" on the website to even locate the article.
I want to be cautious here in my criticism and emphasize that any murder is horrible, unfathomable, and deplorable. I cannot help, however, but be struck by the disproportionate attention placed on the murder of Joe Sodd in June compared to Ahmed Ali and 18-year-old Abdullahi Awil Abdi last April. In the past year, three men have been murdered in the same neighborhood. The two who were Somali (Ahmed Ali and Abdullahi Awil Abdi) received little to no media attention. The
good-looking, white male (Joe Sodd), however, received at least three days worth of newspaper attention in addition to a full page spread along with reactions from community members.
This is most definitely and obviously an issue of racial discrimination, but I believe there is even more at stake here. The
Star Tribune's failure to equally represent the murders of two Somali men is a reflection of the failure of our community. We have neglected to embrace our East African immigrant brothers and sisters, and therefore we have failed ourselves as a community.
When I was a student at Augsburg I volunteered at two after school tutoring programs similar to where Ahmed Ali volunteered. I worked firsthand with East African immigrants high school students and personally experienced the oppressive forces working against these courageous, young people. As a good-looking, white, upper class, Midwestern young woman who has had every possible advantage in the system, for the first time I found myself truly frustrated and disempowered as I tried to help these people apply for college, apply for jobs, and work through the medical insurance system, the education
system, and the law system.
I learned for the most part they feel like they have no place in our community. They feel like they have no power to affect change. They feel like they have no ownership of even their own lives. And I think they are correct in feeling these things. Aside from the best efforts of a few non-profit organizations and various churches, our community has not done much to welcome or integrate our immigrant brothers and sisters.
The solution is simple but not easy: it requires a transformation of how we view the world and define community. In a society that compartmentalizes individuals and expects everyone to pick him/herself up by the bootstraps, we live in danger of forgetting the neighbor. Even if it is the fault of a system for disenfranchising certain groups, it is our responsibility to reform those systems and name injustice when we see it. Therefore, I call for a reform of the Star Tribune, asking for a balanced approach that equally includes all voices of the community's members. I also call for an intentional integration of the East African immigrant community into the Midwest. I challenge the Star Tribune's readership to contemplate these things
and act accordingly.

In order to see the disparity in reporting, here are the links to three murders in the last year. Joe Sodd is a white boy, and Abdullah and Ahmet are black.

Joe Sodd: http://www.startribune.com/local/20302819.html?location_refer=Most%20Viewed:Homepage
Abdullahi: http://www.startribune.com/local/17577514.html
Ahmed: http://www.startribune.com/local/29418994.html?elr=KArksUUUU

In defense of the Star Tribune, here's the second article they wrote about Ahmed: http://www.startribune.com/local/29652984.html?page=1&c=y

I admit it - I am crying to think of that stupid, senseless and tragic loss of a bright, young life. What in the world is going on?
So I sit here today, about to go meditate and pray, and I will ponder what community is to me, and who is included. I want everybody included, because we are all connected and the same part of the One. I know that to be true. As I told Kari, I just think we're all in different stages of remembering how much we are loved, and how precious we are. Once we ALL remember that, the world is going to look a LOT different. That's what I think.

walkSUDAN

I just finished interviewing Roy for the High Plains Article on the walkSUDAN event coming up on Saturday, Oct. 4th. Of course we've heard of the Lost Boys - they went to Oak Grove with Erik. It was horrible - boys as young as 4 and 5 forced to walk thousands of miles to get help. Civil war, death, loss. But then what? One of them, Machien went to Fargo South and played soccer with Roy's son, Jeremiah, my nephew. Roy helped Machien get into Concordia, where he's a professor. Roy taught a class called Celtic Christianity, which Machien took. They studied the book, "How the Irish Saved Civilization." When Rome was falling, the Irish saved the precious manuscripts and took them back to Ireland, so civilization was saved through these manuscripts. Roy posed the question: If the US is the modern-day Rome, who's the modern-day Ireland? Machien came up to Roy after class and answered, "Sudan." So began the journey to build the first library in the south of Sudan, where there is none.

Jeremiah started walkSUDAN to raise awareness for the Lost Boys and Sudan, and to raise money to build the library. Our whole family is going to walk (and donate money). I wouldn't miss this for the world - as many Lost Boys as can come will be there. A woman who walked in one of the other walkSUDAN's said the boys chanted (I personally can't wait to hear that). Why get excited? I have no idea, but I really care, and want to help spread the word that this great event will be here in less than two weeks.

If you want more information, you can go to www.pacodes.org. Roy and Machien started that organization right here in Fargo. Who knew? I didn't know, and Roy's family! But now I'm educating myself, and I'm so proud of this good work going on right here in our beautiful community. Why should we care about something happening halfway around the world? Roy told a good story from a Pakistani mystic poet - the poet said that if East and West look into a mirror, they see their opposites, but they are still part of the same body. What affects one of us affects all of us - that is why we should care.

What's neat is that they're starting at Roosevelt Park at 8:30 (right by NDSU), then walking over to MSUM, and ending up at Concordia, joining all three colleges in a show of unity and connection. I don't know - this whole thing is just making me all warm inside, and I can feel the excitement building. I'm going to be there - come join me!

not enough time

There's not enough time to think about all the things I used to think about. I don't have time to worry, or obsess, or go over things over and over again that are out of my control. I don't have time for "what-ifs." How do I know this? Because I spend 1/2 hour every morning and 1/2 hour every evening praying, meditating, and doing healing work, and when those other thoughts crowd in, I don't have enough time to do what I REALLY want to do - help myself and help others. When I pray, I first visualize myself held lovingly in my hands, then I go through each of my family members, taking the time to see them clearly, then pray for their health and well-being. I send them all love. Then I move on to each of my best friends, then all of my friends, then clients, students, neighbors, politicians, and anyone else I can think of. Then I move on to my meditation, which is 20 minutes. I love that quiet time. Then I move on to my healing work, and make sure to take the time to sit with each of the people or animals I'm sending healing love and energy to.

But sometimes I start thinking about what I have to do for the day, or what I should do, or planning Christmas, or Christmas presents, or where I can find the perfect black pumps (it's true - I have goals). Fade away. No - I gently tell myself and pull myself front and center again, to the present moment, but it's hard, and I wonder when I got to be this way, or if I've always been this way. I suspect I've always been this way, and that's okay - recognizing the situation is the first step to recovery, right? So I'm planning my 4th annual Prayer and Meditation Day. I'm going to sit for 6 hours and stretch out my work so I can include everybody and everything. If you've got any prayer or healing requests, please e-mail me at seeker818@aol.com and I'll put you on my list. During that prayer and healing time, if I receive any images or information for you, I'll write it down and e-mail you back. I'm planning this to take place in the next two weeks or so, depending on my schedule. If you want to join me in spirit, please do so - it is my thought that if just one of us joins in prayer, it's powerful, but the more that come together for the good of all, miracles can occur. Just think - all of that great energy going out to the world to help it right now, when we need it the most! I'm excited - I'll let you know when it is.

There's just not enough time for that other, lower stuff. It's not good or bad - I'm just realizing I don't have enough hours in the day to keep my neuroses going (that's judgmental - I don't mean 'neuroses' - I really mean those things that just don't serve me anymore). Is it a process? Sure, slow and steady wins the race, and as I always say "forward movement is good." Where did I get that from? When 4 of us girls were golfing, and were REALLY bad (but we looked darned cute in our outfits). Sometimes the ball would just dribble a few inches from where we'd hit it. But that's okay, because why? "FORWARD MOVEMENT IS GOOD." It doesn't matter if it's a few inches or 250 yards - we're moving forward, one inch at a time sometimes, but onward and upward, always for the good. Not enough time for complaining that we're not good enough, not doing enough, not accomplishing things? In my mind there's not enough for those thoughts. That's what I'm thinking today.

peace

Tomorrow is National Peace Day, and I'm thankful for that, but I'm thinking we should concentrate on being peaceful every moment of our lives, don't you? I know they have "days" or "weeks" or "months" to help us celebrate and remember different things (like "Red Crayon Day"? or "Hug your Horse Day"), but I'm thinking it's enough for me just to be present, to BE peace (as Thich Nhat Hanh says), and that is very good. I'm remembering a day a couple of years ago when we were visiting Mom and Dad in Bismarck. Dad and I and Billy Boy were going for a walk, and we saw a young girl and an older man heading for the house. We stopped to talk to them, then Dad went inside and brought out some money and gave it to them. The girl gave Dad about 20 chocolate candy bars. I was shocked, a little - Mom's a diabetic, and Dad doesn't even like candy. But Dad wanted to help this girl, so he bought her chocolate. That's how I was raised - love in action, caring, generosity. So when little sweet Christina from Bill's class just called me to buy wrapping paper, I paused. Bill's selling wrapping paper for the boy's choir, so I don't NEED it (you know we'll be buying a ton from him), but then I stopped, and remembered Dad, and said, "Of course we'll buy something, Christina - you come right on over."

Is that celebrating Peace Day? I think we start with ourselves, first of all, then we move our kindness and patience and respect and consideration to our loved ones we share our home with, then out to our dear friends, then neighbors and acquaintances, and then strangers, then enemies (whatever our definition of 'enemy' is). Is it peaceful inside of me today? Yes - very. Am I happy? Yes - very. Is it all good? Yes - very. No matter what? Yes - because there will always be difficulties, and challenges, and sad things happening, but there is also all this incredible beauty and good everywhere. Sappy? Heck no - I'm a realist, but I've been through some pretty tough times, and I know that it's a choice we make, every moment. How do I feel? How do I choose to feel? You can tell me I don't REALLY know tough times, but I tell you back that we ALL have our tough times because we ALL have our unique lives. What one person calls tough may not be another person's definition, but who are we to judge?

Okay, I judge, but I'm aware of it. What am I judgmental about? People who don't have any kids, then tell me how to raise my kids, or tell me that other parents are BAD parents. I'm judgmental about people smoking, doing drugs, drinking too much. I'm judgmental about prejudiced people (you might even say I'm prejudiced against prejudiced people, which doesn't make ANY sense, seeing as I'm then one of "them"). I'm judgmental about stinginess and lying and hypocrisy. Am I ALL of those things I've mentioned? Yes, but not the drinking, smoking or drugs things - never done them, never will. Don't want to. What does this have to do with peace? Being awake, I think, being aware, caring enough to stay malleable and open to change. That's what I strive for, even when I'm tired and I just want to walk away. I stay, just a minute longer, and that's what Pema Chodron says is the sign of a spiritual warrior. A PEACEFUL spiritual warrior.

So take some time to feel peace, feel is permeate into the center of your being. That's what I'm going to keep doing, but will be even more mindful of these next two days, in the midst of the Symphony premiere, and meditation class, and Sunday school and Boy Scout meetings - peace AND life, together, intertwined, no separation, because there isn't - it's all one. Peace.

today

The wiser the soul, Susie, the greater the simplicity.
In everything,
The Universe

Kind of simple today, huh, Susie?

That's the message from www.tut.com for today. Tut is Mike Dooley's website, and if you haven't seen it, it's really good (I think, anyway). He sends daily personalized messages for you, and usually they're dead on for relevance. Today is no exception for me, as I sit here sweating, having just cleaned out the whole basement and hauled up boxes and bags of garbage. No, it's not MY stuff, although I DO have a lot of er, 'stuff.' This is years old, put away, I'll never look at it again, kind of stuff. Feng shui? Sure - mentally I don't like the clutter, so it felt really good to just bite the bullet and DO it. Actually, I made a long list of that extra stuff I never seem to get to (like paying my bills!), to making my will. If I can just see it down on paper, it makes it a little easier to get to it.

My tooth hurt a little last night, but with a healthy dose of willow bark tincture, I slept well, and when I woke up this morning, it didn't hurt at all. Some people have asked me for a short list of what natural products I take, and for what, so I'll list them here now, but I want to be clear that this is through YEARS of trial and error, and just what works for ME. That's the key - everyone's different, but this is ALL gentle stuff, no side effects, no heavy duty supplementing or anything. Just so you know.

Susie's Short List of Important Stuff
zinc - when I feel under the weather a little - helps boost my immune system
Oscillo - I SWEAR by this stuff! Comes in a little white box, six vials - empty a vial of pellets under your tongue - they're sweet - excellent for whenever you're under the weather - has been used in Europe for over 20 years for flu symptoms
silver biotics - that's the brand name, not just the silver stuff - this is a spray, or tincture, that you put under your tongue when you don't feel well - the silver helps your cell walls stave off invaders
fish oil - I take this every day - great for heart, cholesterol, everything, really!
either B complex OR digestive enzymes with probiotics - I know this sounds like opposite things, but I switch off so I don't get too many supplements in me - the brand is from a chiropractor in Mandan, and the supplements are assimilated, to get more into your body - I LOVE THESE SUPPLEMENTS
willow bark tincture - anti-inflammatory - the base from which aspirin comes, but all natural - good for pain
Bioplasma - cell salts used for headaches - it really works!
Hyland's hay fever - this really kicks those sneezes - actually, I LOVE homeopathics because they don't have ANY side effects and don't interact dangerously with anything else
Hyland's Calms - for when I can't sleep (homeopathic)
Moondrops - for when I can't sleep (homeopathic)
Ignatia - for when I can't sleep (homeopathic) - are you beginning to see a trend? Since Mom died, I've been having trouble sleeping...
Garlic oil with white willow - EXCELLENT FOR EAR INFECTIONS - one day Bill started screaming (he never screams), because his ears hurt so badly. Not wanting to put him on antibiotics (which don't help ears infections OR sinus problems because of lack of blood flow to those areas), I tried the garlic oil. You heat the bottle up in a glass of warm water, then just drop three drops into each ear. Bill stopped crying immediately, and the pain was totally gone within a few hours. Magic! My friend Chitra says in India that's an old folk remedy.

If you want, I'll keep adding to it as I remember things. What I look for is good quality, natural, no side effects, homeopathic if possible, not too high of a dose (as in some supplements, but that's just me - some studies say we NEED megadoses, but I still think our bodies just need 'spanx support,' not a whole girdle!). I am willing to try things other people suggest but I always rely on my own intuition as to what makes sense to me and my body. I even ask my body what it thinks. To date, I haven't taken an over-the-counter or prescription med for over three years (and I'm grateful that I haven't needed to), and god willing, I intend to keep to that path. As we get older (okay, 48's not THAT old), our body's tend to need a little more nurturing and care and attention. That's why I'm also exercising, meditating, stretching and doing weights a lot more faithfully. I'm keeping my work load light, taking the time to enjoy life with friends and family, and making sure to get enough sleep and TRY to stay unstressed (issues issues!).

If you have any suggestions for alternative products, please e-mail me at seeker818@aol.com. I'd love to hear about it. So I'm off to shower off all of the dust, grime, and ancient particles from my personhood, then what? I don't know - it's only 10:24 and I've got the whole day. Ah..... loving it.

brave little soldier

as I sit here, feeling my hands ice cold. One hour until I leave for the orthodontist, who will do an exam, then do a re-root canal to clear up an infection by my roots. Is this a big deal, really? Okay, NO, but I just don't appreciate dental things - too many past traumatic events, so this is (another) good chance to walk through my fears, to be brave, to just face it and DO IT. Really, it's no big deal - the tooth is dead. The only unknown is what's causing the infection. Am I scared of the infection? Not anymore. At first I thought it was ruining my immune system, but then when I got the "flu" (headache, achey, nausea), I figured out what my lowered immunity was probably because of my grieving work rather than the infection, although probably in the end everything's interconnected. So, why worry? I am practicing the trick I used for basketball, when faced with the impending BIG game. I'd get so nervous I'd literally pop 10 Tums and still not feel much better. So, at 6:30, warming up, I'd keep repeating, "In 3 hours this will all be over, and I'll be resting and relaxing. Just three hours." So I try that now - 2 1/2 hours from now and I'll be done - it will all be over, then I think I don't want to do that TOO much or I lose most of my life, putting my energies into the future, trying to jump over the present.

I am a brave little soldier, I am - I just keep going, even when I just want to rest, or curl up. I may FEEL like a little chicken, but I know the bravest thing sometimes is just to show up. Sometimes that's all we CAN do - just show up. So here I am - not pretending to be studly, with my shaking cold hands, but willing to do what needs to be done, for my health and my life. It's not always easy, nobody ever said it was easy, but it's good - it's all good. And today? It's a beautiful sunny warm day, and I think I'll put on my tennies and go out for a quick walk. Or not. I'll let you know how the whole tooth thing comes out (I hope it won't - come out, that is!)

UPDATE: I'm back, and it totally did NOT suck!!! It was fast, easy, no worries, a little inflammation, all taken care of. Interesting note: The endodontist, Dr. Taylor (highly recommended for your root canal needs) told me that the technique to do my old root canal hasn't been used for 35 years (the age of my root canal). It was a European technique that didn't clean out the tooth thoroughly, but instead poured a caustic substance into the tooth, then filled it with a paste that dried to like concrete. There was also a metal instrument found in my back root, but he said "no worries" (that still worries me a touch). Amazing - a caustic substance has been in that tooth for 35 years. Now you can tell me that it's enclosed in the tooth, but I will tell you that I believe that anything in our body affects the rest of our body, so it will be interesting to see how I feel in the days/week/months to come. Right now? I'm euphoric - I'm BRAVE, yes I am, and I'm very proud of myself.

Statuesque

Cool beans, for sure. I was asked to be a statue today. What? A statue for a concert at the Plains Art Museum the end of the month. They're going to wrap my body in bronze, and I get wheeled onstage, then I get to stand still (what? impossible, you say? Maybe...) As you can see from the original statue, I AM, in fact, that tall, but not quite as busty or slim. What a great opportunity, so thanks for asking, Holly - what a hoot!

With all of the changes in the world, I'm reminded once again of the necessity of "staying up" in the higher energy realms. It feels better. What do I mean "higher energy realms?" It's not some fancy blah blah term, but a simple fact - how do you feel when you're happy? Higher? How do you feel when you're scared? Lower? That's what I mean. Love makes you feel lifted, hatred brings you down. Something to think about. I called a colleague from Minneapolis yesterday - she'd been on my mind for a couple of weeks. She called me back, distraught with her current situation. What's going on, I asked her. My back hurts, my stomach has been awful, my head hurts, I can't sleep, I have anxiety... I started laughing. She didn't see what there was to laugh about, but I did. "I'm feeling the exact same things," I explained to her. We are joined at the hip, Vicky and I, we really are. I don't know why, or how, but every step of the way these past 5 years that I've known her, we have parallel "symptoms" and experiences, so chances are good that if I'm feeling something, so is she. Then we connect and talk about it all. I told her that I hadn't been to a doctor for any of it (she'd had a ton of tests done with several different doctors and found out - she's totally healthy! Go figure...), but had figured out that it was all part of this current process that is requiring us to REALLY let go of all of our previous, unhealthy patterns and thoughts and tendencies. For me (then also, maybe for HER) that included worry, fear, anger, control issues, overdoing it, taking on other people's energies. Fear is stored in the gut, back issues are burdens, head issues are thinking too much - makes sense now that you look at it that way, doesn't it?

So if we all take the time to STOP and take a few deep breaths, tune in to our sweet bodies and just hang with them, ask them what's going on, relax, chill, we might get our answers. We certainly aren't getting them from the tests and doctors, because they're not showing up on this physical level. Sure, we FEEL them in our physical bodies, but that's not where they originate. It's like there are layers of "us-es" piled on top of each other, and the stimulus comes in through that outermost layer, then keeps sinking deeper through "us" until it gets to our physical body. That's where we feel it, but it's really permeating ALL the levels and layers, so that's where we need to take care of it, not just on the physical level. For me, it's a matter of trust - do I trust this process? Wow - that's a difficult question sometimes - what if THIS time there REALLY is something "wrong" with me? Over and over again it's been proven to me that I'm 100% healthy, just working through this stuff. For Vicky and I, I saw that for the next 30 days, we're to connect "up there" and send each other some positive energy, so when I did that last night, I saw a beautiful rainbow energy coming out of me and traveling to her. I saw a beautiful gold energy coming out of her and traveling to me. Back and forth - I think we need those connections on those higher planes where there's no fear, or worry, or anything "low."

So we do what we can to help each other, and continue to walk forward as gracefully as possible. I know I stumble a lot, and drool and snivvel and complain and rant, but I know that I also KEEP walking forward, and in the end, that's the most important thing.

it makes my heart happy

what with all the hullabaloo over Sarah Palin - did you catch SNL on Saturday night? If not, here's the link to the Sarah Palin/Hillary Clinton speech. Oh, it makes me laugh, watching it again today. Here it is:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/09/13/tina-fey-as-sarah-palin-o_n_126249.html

To be able to take all of these painful and intense times, and turn them into something we can all relate to and laugh about (hopefully Sarah and Hillary can laugh a little at the skit), well, that's one of the great things about being a human. I don't personally agree with everything Sarah stands for (actually, I don't agree with everything ANYONE else stands for - that's why we're all individuals), but I think it's interesting that a few people have said I remind them of Sarah Palin. WHAT? I say. How, exactly? So that interests me a little, okay, a lot. What, what? Well, in how you talk to people, personal, homey, approachable. Oh, that and the fact that Sarah was called Sarah Barracuda while playing basketball. I once knocked a girl out cold while playing basketball - they had to carry her off the court. Am I ashamed of that? Uh, not really - it's kind of studly in that masculine energy sort of way. I'm thinking I could use some more of that kind of energy these days to overcome that soft, scared kind of energy that's seeped into my life.

So life is good today - I go to the endodontist on Wednesday to do a little root canal reworking. I'll be sure to bring along my iPod and find some really cranking tunes to zone out to. Conquer your fears, I say - walk straight into them and don't let them grab you by the throat and squeeze your life's energy right out. Just do it - the Nike creed of living life straight and direct and powerfully. What else am I afraid of? Can I face that? Uhm, I'll have to think about that. Right now it's enough to still be in my jammies at 10:55 and thinking about Tina Fey and how much I'm beginning to admire her.

P.S. It's now 5:59PM, and I effectively stayed in my jammies all day. But for the record, I did not knock the above-mentioned girl out on PURPOSE - the top of her head accidentally came in contact with my elbow while going up for a rebound. Okay, she WAS the one that threw Steph into the bleachers, but I REALLY didn't mean to hurt her. Call it karma.

sour cream banana bars

Life is soft today. I made sour cream banana bars for the Symphony potluck picnic, made a double batch of browned butter frosting, and felt my heart soften as I spread the warm frosting over the warmed bars. There's something visceral about cooking for me, something that lets everything extraneous drop away and lets me walk unhindered to my Center. It's a beautiful thing that saves me, over and over again.

I don't know what sent me into that spiral of the past week, I don't really care. I just know that each time is different - I'm able to be observer AND participant, and can make decisions every step of the way as to how I'm going to act/react. Sometimes I do it with dignity and honor, sometimes I crawl and snivel and whine, but I still keep going, and that's what counts, in the long run. I don't pretend to be better than I am - I'm just here in the thick of it like everyone else, trying to carve out a unique life, trying to help others however I can, trying to understand the greater things. Sometimes it's a breezy walk, sometimes the hurricane force winds turn me back and make me cry out in frustration and anger. Will nothing stop this process? The answer appears to be a constant "no" so I just choose to keep going. Forward movement is good. I choose to keep writing, and connecting with others, I choose to keep cooking, and hugging, and working with clients, and having parties and lunches and coffees with precious friends. I choose to keep my heart open, even if it's still pulsing with the physical loss of my dear mother. I choose my husband, again and again, even when I'm tired, or bored, or restless. I choose my life, every single day. I wouldn't trade one single second of it for anything else, especially not those sour cream banana bar moments - those are heaven to me, and probably constitute a bulk of my spiritual experiences to date. Odd? Maybe. Me? Most certainly.

my happy place

I went to Vidya's advanced meditation this morning, and really looked forward to lying down and taking some deep breaths. I'm usually so good about pacing, and trusting, and releasing, but I seem to be on the edge of this anxiety spiral that is grabbing me by the throat. I can't shut my mind down to get to sleep before 1AM, and my stomach is usually doubled up with cramping pain. Great on the weight loss department, not so great on me. My neurosis kicks in full bloom. What am I scared of? I'm scared that I didn't take care of my infected tooth for the last year that we knew I had it, and now it's magically gone into my brain, because my head feels funny and my neck hurts, and that's why my neck's been hurting for the last year, and you know the story - it multiplies until it's the worst scenario. Melissa reminded me that I don't worry about cancer or tumors or any of those things I was worried about two years ago when I went through my spiritual "growth" period that was SO intense and yes, scary. But now I've got this new, REAL thing - my infected tooth.

I stop and take a deep breath. Where does this come from, this fear about every little thing that comes in front of me? Didn't I used to be brave? Didn't I used to NOT worry so much? Who have I become? Breathe again, and remember - trust. My happy place? Oh - meditation with Vidya (yes, my mind wanders, but if you've stayed so far, you can come along on the interesting meandering journey with me). We were in the middle of a longer meditation with our mantra, and all of a sudden I felt a click in my whole body, like it was shifting somewhere, then I felt like I was floating IN my body. I was calm, detached, but still aware - I'm fairly certain I wasn't asleep. I stayed like that, and it felt REALLY good. Then I realized I'd had that feeling before - when I listen to Andrew Weil's "The Deep." When he gets to that middle part, I feel like my body is floating apart, but in a good way, just like today, and I call it my happy place. Occasionally I go there when I used to take a short afternoon nap. At any rate, it's a good place to go - my heart rate is way slower, my body is loose, my mind is calm. So I take note of this and slow down the rest of my day, my weekend, my next week. I realize I've gone too long and too fast on that ol' hamster wheel, and to get off it, I just need to step off. So I did.

I asked Steve how we could help EACH other. I said, "I don't listen to you, do I?" He laughed. He said, "It's like you telling me not to salt my food, but I do. I KNOW I shouldn't, and I know you're right, but I do it anyway." He's right. He's brilliant, my husband, and when I think about him, I am so grateful for his patience and wisdom and love. Along with Bill, those two definitely make up my happy place in this crazy world. Who's YOUR Steve and Bill?

be brave

I don't feel brave right now. I got backed into a fear corner this afternoon, and kind of came unglued. Okay, I won't lie to you, I came unglued earlier this morning when my back started freezing up, then the pain crawled around to my lower stomach area, and it wouldn't let up. I just felt tired, overwhelmed, it's just too much. I had so much fun with Dad in Bismarck, but Bill called, still upset with everything, and I felt torn between trying to be his emotional support, and just trying to hold everything together. Don't get me wrong - I'm strong, I don't crack easily, but when I do, man, run for the hills, because there's a lot of cracking to do. And this afternoon I got the news from my dentist: my tooth is infected, and they either have to do a re-root canal to try to save it, or pull it, with some special techniques to put a titanium implant in, six months later, after it heals. Either scenario involves some things that scare me, but I won't get in to that. The point is this: I was driving back to Fargo tonight, instead of tomorrow, having missed the dinner party, but having gotten to cook for it, when I just kind of came unglued. That was a horrible sentence, but you know what? I'm not going to change it. Anyway, what does "unglued" mean to me? It was sort of like this floaty feeling, when I tried my darndest to run to the safest place I could think of, and just stay there. There MUST be a safe place where this tooth thing is concerned. But it doesn't look like there is. So I can't outrun the monster anymore - it's been hanging over my head for a year and a half, knowing it was probably infected, but not taking action - I was too scared. Me, scared? Heck, YES! But that's the point - while I'm driving, feeling just totally scared, I heard Mom's sweet voice in my head, telling me, "Be brave." I thought about what that meant. I think it means that I can still feel scared, or angry, or overwhelmed, or tired, but I can be brave. I haven't felt so brave lately - there are just too many things that scare me. Like what? Novacaine, sedation, anesthesia, something happening to my loved ones (and that's a pretty big circle), over-the-counter drugs, prescription drugs, diabetes, heart problems, cancer. Wait a minute - I see the connections - these are all things that either I've experienced, or those close to me have experienced. It's sort of like I gather all the "bad" stuff, then worry about it. See? Be brave.

I wonder how to do that. Should that be my mantra for the next while? Should I take some time to take care of myself so my body doesn't keep crumbling, wanting loving attention for the brave work it did these past months? Should I take a tae kwon do class and learn how to scream and kick a board? Should I go climb some more walls? I don't know, but I know this is my next lesson - to not be so afraid anymore. It's so tiring, really, it is, and I'm tired of being scared. I want to be brave all the time.

worry

Bill. Billy Boy. My love. My sweetest sweet. Having a difficult time. I think we would've muddled through well enough with just Grammy dying, but then his friend from school had her house blow up in a gas leak, and it leveled the whole darn house, and hurt and/or burned some of the kids and adults. We talked about it, and the school advised us NOT to drive by it, as that could traumatize the kids, then they put up photos of the leveled house all around school. Last night Bill said, "What if I had a sore throat and there was a fire and I couldn't yell?" I went through the whole "crawl to the door and feel if it's hot" thing, then I realized his deeper question - could this explosion happen to us?

What's really going on? Grammy died, so any one of us could die, too. Ilhan's house exploded, so our house could explode. Suddenly the world doesn't seem so safe or secure anymore, and what do you say to that? I hold him in my arms, and we talk to Grammy - ask her questions, tell her we miss her, ask her what she's doing, ask her to show us a sign that she's still with us. I tell Bill that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that when we love, we are never apart from each other, and that this connection down here on Earth is only a little part of the whole thing, and to remember and concentrate on the part of Grammy that's now a part of him. I tell him that I think there's a path and a Plan for each of us, and we've made that Plan WITH God, so whatever happens to us, we're firmly WITH God in God's arms, and everything is safe. I reminded him of the 35W bridge collapse, and how we would've been RIGHT THERE when it collapsed, BUT I had mysteriously gotten so fatigued and sick that I had to lie down for 4 hours, and so got a late start and heard about the collapse about 1/2 hour out of Minneapolis. We weren't at the restaurant that was 200 yards away from the bridge, we didn't hear the collapse, we weren't in that immediate energy field - WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, SO WE WEREN'T. Period, end of story. What is supposed to be, will be, and what isn't supposed to be, won't. I firmly believe that. Yes, bad stuff happens, but it will always be okay.

We went to talk with someone this morning, and they asked Bill how he felt about Grammy, and he said sad. She asked him who he went to when he needed to talk, and he said, "Mom." Then the woman leaned over, and asked me quietly if I was talking to anyone about Mom dying, or if I was taking the time to grieve, and I just slightly smiled at her and turned back to Bill. But it made me think - am I just trying so hard to take care of everyone and everything else, that I'm just not doing it 100%? Should I be doing something different, or slower, or deeper? I think I'm just great, albeit a little tired, and my back really hurts, but I feel good about keeping the house up, and taking care of Bill, and cooking, and and and. All the "ands" from before that I'm supposed to juggle. But just sometimes, like today, when I'm driving down to Bismarck, I cry... a lot, and I feel overwhelmed, and I worry. Yes, I worry, and Bill worries, I see it in his eyes. And I think he worries because he and I are so close and he feels me worrying, and I don't want HIM to do that - Kari does that, too. We come by it honestly, Mom was a worrier, too, but I don't like that - I don't. It's too much, and it doesn't help, and right now, just right now, it's too much.

What do I want to do? I've said it before - I want to go to a spa somewhere and just lie down for a week - get a massage, get a facial, have my dinners prepared for me, go for a walk, listen to some sweet music, enjoy the scenery. Will I ever do that? Probably not - why? I don't know - life, I guess, but then that's my choice, and my decisions. I just don't want to leave Bill (I've left Bill to come to Bismarck for a few days), I don't want to leave Steve, but really? I don't want to leave myself in my old life, because there's structure, and purpose, and tasks. I just keep going. But right now? Right now I'm thinking I need to STOP for a while. Just a day or so. Maybe even an hour or so. Lay out flat on the floor, close my eyes and listen to "The Deep" and go away - just for a while. To a place where there's no worry - only peace and quiet. That would be great.

what's going on energetically these days?

I thought I'd devote today's whole blog to seeing what's going on with everyone. A lot of head congestion, sore spots all over your head, heat on top of your head, sore neck, sore lower back, and achy joints (especially in the hip and knee area). Weird dreams that feel really real, but don't make much sense, an increased sense of synchronicity (you intend it or think it and BAM - it's right there - so, be careful what you wish for, you may get it seems to be the advice of the day), a growing sense of restlessness, and a continued need to declutter. While the summer (and indeed for the past two years) people have been pulling back into themselves and away from group activities, there seems to be a renewed desire to connect with others, but on a smaller scale, and ONLY with people who you resonate with. There's no more room or time for fluff and stuff, or people that do not "feed" your soul. There is an increased need to "find your passion," so people are switching jobs, homes, cities, relationships in the intense search for soul fulfillment.

There also seems to be an increased need to connect with our Higher Selves on a more personal level, and those who are moving in to help others become empowered are the most sought after. No longer are those "masters" who proclaim their expertise and knowingness sought, for they seek to TAKE power from others, and are fed mostly be ego, and there is a line that is set up; they are higher than someone else, who is higher than someone else, etc. This all represents the old, and the new looks something like this: "I am here to help you however I can. If there something I can say that can spark knowingness and recognition for you in your life, then feel free to take that into your life, make it yours, and use it to help you understand yourself and your life more fully. I do not have all the answers, I do not think I know more than you, I will not try to force you to do what I say. I only offer myself and my wisdom in whatever ways are most helpful to you," then that true Master lets go of outcome, does not desire affirmation or acknowledgment, but again, is only interested in the higher purpose of helping people find their own unique paths in their own unique ways. There is no longer any BEST way or TRUE way, other than every single person's way, so the language becomes subtly different, and if you stop, you can FEEL the old vs. the new, inside of you. The old lecture at you will make you feel stupid, small, behind, incompetent, and unable to make your own decisions, confused and cloudy. The new inspirations from the "real" Masters (but you won't hear THEM saying they're real Masters - they just do their work) will make you feel energized, powerful, capable, and infinite, intelligent, creative, and a creature of unlimited possibilities and potential.

There is no longer any class or instruction or specific product or discipline that is THEE best or THEE most powerful. And people are no longer satisfied to be talked down to - they just need support, not to be parented or belittled. This is exciting, because when people are empowered, they take responsibility for their lives and their actions, and they are then better able to make healthy and conscious decisions that then affect everyone around them in a positive way, and that IS good for everyone. The order of the day? Trust yourself, trust in your abilities to find your Truths and live them and speak them. Trust that everything is perfectly choreographed in every second of your day, and that there are no coincidences. Nothing is happening by chance. But also realize that YOUR timeline may not be God's timeline, and there seems to be only disappointment and frustration when you try to impose your human wishes upon the greater Plan that is in place for you.

Now I'm not saying that God is the man in charge and you're just a puppet doing everything, that you have no choice, but there IS the strong sense that we are all in this together, and that we are CO-creating our lives every moment, so we are NOT victims, we are NOT puppets; we just don't see the WHOLE picture. That is when we're called upon to trust. There is a different rhythm in the world today, and that is the rhythm of faith and trust - it's more like a swaying tango than a sprint to the finish line. The emphasis is on the beauty of the dance, not upon crossing the finish line first, or faster than the last time, or about beating a record. It is about the thing itself, about your one precious, beautiful, perfect life, and understanding the deepness of that, and of going within to understand and embrace your whole self.

We are being encouraged to take the time every day, throughout the day, to just sit, to be silent, and to just BE with ourselves. How beautiful is that - we're all AMAZING beings, if we take the time to get to know ourselves! We are being encouraged to explore our deepest desires and dreams and bring them out and dust them off and put them on our mantles as precious possessions to honor and appreciate and HAVE in plain view. They ARE us, they ARE our reality, and our birthrights, and there is no longer any time to just work work work on the external world, helping others, or doing our many important things. We need that sacred balance of Spirit in human form, whatever that means to you. Not just a machine, or a doing being, but simply an exquisite BE-ing.

We get frustrated because we feel things aren't turning out the way we think they should - our business isn't picking up. We switched jobs to follow our passion, but the customers aren't there. We're discouraged, we don't understand what's happening, and I say back, "Are you taking the time to be happy in your life? Are you laughing and having fun? Are you enjoying your life and doing what you want to do?" If you are, then chances are you might still feel frustrated about that other "stuff," but overall you will have a deep sense of peace and calm and bliss. You will FEEL deep, like you just go on and on and on (and you DO!). So for the time being, until this current time of alignment and integration and organization is complete, we could revel and be grateful for our "down time" to do those things we've been wanting to do for years - go on vacation, learn to belly dance, join a knitting club, learn Japanese. Take the time to get to know yourself as the best friend you will ever have, because you are! A renewed sense of connection with yourself, a new appreciation of yourself and your gifts, an amazement at your talents and your lovingness. It's all so so good, so during this fall transition time, trust, rest, believe, renew, and have fun!

moving blog

I'm going to be moving my blog in a little while, but no worries - it will direct you where to go. Why? I want to streamline my life, and putting it on my updated website will be just the way. I love my website (thanks, Linda!), but I couldn't enter the information myself. Now I can, PLUS do all the rest of the stuff that I'm passionate about - enter all my favorite recipes, include health and nutrition news and weblinks and books, have a GREAT calendar of events (there's so much fabulous stuff going on, and hard to keep track of it), along with my messages (I'll be able to get them out regularly again - the e-mail way just wasn't effective, and cost me a lot of $$ - too much for volunteer work!), and upcoming parties (yes, it's time to par-tay!).

So forgive me if you liked coming here to read, but in a little while, just go to www.susanekberg.com and you'll get the whole enchilada, the whole 9 yards, the combination plate, hit the home run. Life is just like that right now for me - rearranging, cutting back, cutting down, throwing out and decluttering (the main theme). How did I get so many things, just sitting everywhere? My whole library is filled to the brim with yard sale stuff. And yes, I'll put it all in my garage, and have a "donation" rummage sale, that is to say, no prices on anything (well, maybe some of the bigger stuff as a suggestion), then people can come and get what they need and just leave a donation. I think that will work just fine. We keep going back and forth about whether we want to move to another house, then I walk around and feel the good energy and think how much I love this house, and think it would be nice for at least one of our four kids to get to grow up in the same house their whole childhood, and be with the same friends the whole time. I don't know - what do you do? Do we go close to Dad, do we try to get him to move down here? Would he move in with us? If he does, we should probably move, as there isn't a perfect place for him in the house to live. Can we ever find all the answers now, before they come up? No - I know better, but still, this trapped in the starting blocks, ready to run, has frozen up my back, given me leg cramps and a tight butt (no, not in the good way), so I hope everything gets going quickly and shortly here, but then as it usually goes, I'll be like, "Whoa, slow down - too fast, too much, too soon," so I guess I'll just keep going, and let the moving happen where it needs to happen, and enjoy the ride (as Erik's tattoo on his right leg reads).

Happy pre-fall equinox to everyone - powerful shifts and dreaming at this time, for sure. Feelings of not knowing what's real or not, strange aches and pains, synchronicities ABOUND, sleep patterns all messed up, feelings of wanting to end some friendships and start others up, restlessness - are you feeling any of them? I'll write more on that more often, as people ask me what's going on. It's not that I KNOW the Truth, I just know MY Truth, and will share it with you. If it's helpful, all the better!

feeling groovy

And the great feeling persists. It was a Melissa Day, so that's always a good thing. While I was working on her, I was like "blah blah blah" (talking non-stop - so what's new?), and she commented that I always seem to flow so seamlessly while doing intuitive work. I realized something. I don't know when it happened, but there's no longer any difference between my "intuitive" work and my regular life - it's all superimposed and the same now. I don't know when, I don't know how, but I DO know why - it's the process, the path, the journey that leads all of us more directly into our own center, and that is an amazingly miraculous place, indeed. I'm loving it here, and I'm certainly not going anywhere. I call it my place of "I know better." What in the heck does THAT mean? That while I still may be bitchy sometimes, or mean, or crabby, "I know better." There's always that separate part of me that's looking down at my actions and my life, and is like, "Oh, look at her doing THAT." I know better. Am I perfect? Heck no. Is everything perfect? Heck yes. And besides that, I'm totally feeling groovy. Can't explain it, don't know what that means, I'm just feeling it. It IS all good, everything. No worries, anywhere. Life is so very very.

Intense? Yes. Upheaving? Yes. Changing? Yes. Unpredictable? Yes. Exasperating? Yes. Amazing? Yes. Exciting? Yes. Energizing? Yes. So there I go, ready for my Symphony Board Retreat tomorrow, positively blown away by all the instantaneous synchronicities exploding all around me, 24/7. I just sit and watch and shake my head slowly, smiling. AMazed (I meant to capitalize the "m"). I am just so so so so happy, I could scream. Wait - isn't that an oxymoron? Whatevs - I'm happy.

yay!

It was a great day. I got to have lunch with the Con-Meister (shrimp flatbread and chicken and pear salad at Dolittles? Heaven), then got to see a great client (I love my work), then play with Bill. Then I burned my knuckle roasting the farmer's market vegetables, then cut that same finger when a glass broke. I felt my anger rising, then took a deep breath and just ... let it go. It's all right. I went to see Vidya tonight in her premiere meditation at the Spirit Room. I couldn't even get all the way up the stairs - there were over 50 people there! I was shocked. Dawn Morgan had to lock the door because there simply wasn't any more room. How great for Fargo - how exciting and energizing. I am just totally pumped for the possibilities. I LOVE US! I'll be doing the advanced meditations starting a week from Saturday, and will go on to get my individual mantra, but all the while? This is just what I need right now - Vidya is amazing - calm and so patient with everyone, funny and really smart. The perfect teacher, in my books. It feels good to have a teacher again - it's been over 6 years, and that work taught me a lot of things, but not really too much of the positive stuff, more along the lines of learning what I really don't want to do or be like. But it's all good, right? We learn things through all sorts of ways, and this is my gentle, easy, great way. I'm happy.

I need to go cuddle Bill, who's downstairs watching cartoons, while Steve's upstairs watching the Convention. Sometimes I wonder what the difference between politics and cartoons is. I'm just teasing, but you know what I mean, don't you? It's sort of like a game, a show, an entertaining kind of club and pep rally kind of feeling. That's not all bad - I just have to keep remembering what I think is real. And sometimes that gets hard. But not right now - right now I feel solid and happy and really really good.

outraged (kind of)

Sarah Palin and her family (on the left)

Sarah Palin has five children. Her ability to be an effective vice president has been called into question. I say, "what in the world could make you a BETTER leader than to have successfully raised 5 children? Now I'll get outraged. Does anybody EVER question a man's ability to be a good leader if he has children? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5? NO - because it DOESN'T MATTER - he's not the one that's supposed to be responsible for his children - the woman is. That's what it feels like to me. I suppose no one questioned Hillary because she only has one child, and an adult one at that. What IS this all about? Someone once told me that if I wasn't a feminist I wasn't doing the right thing. I tried to explain that I'm a humanist - I want what's best for ALL people, not just women, but seriously (or serially, as we say in our family), this really gets me riled up. I think it's ridiculous to criticize Sarah for her 17 year old's pregnancy (since when can mothers supervise their children 24/7, other than locking them up and following them everywhere they go - oh, and making sure there's no one there with them behind their locked door), I think it's mean to bring up her beauty pageant past. What kind of a person is she? I don't really know - she speaks in a little bit here, so I'm going to watch so I can make up my own mind, separate from what others are saying.

Someone sent me a picture of Sarah in a stars and stripes bikini with a gun in her hand. I think the send was a Democrat, but I didn't want to insult him, so I replied, "that looks like a lot of fun. I love doing target practice out in my backyard," and I thought later that I might've gently PSed. "Are you a Democrat?" I know he is, but that might make him a little more aware that I may not be the one to send insulting e-mails to (like the one of Bush holding the flag upside down at the Olympics - WHO CARES?). Sigh. If you're not going to say something that will help, don't just bash someone else, please. Don't just bitch (you say it like it's a bad thing) about somebody if you won't put your money where you mouth is and do something to make the world a better place.

One of Bill's classmates was in a horrible house explosion that hurt 18 people. Bill and I went through his toys and filled his old backpack full, along with some tennies and clothes. We filled a baggie full of pennies for the penny drive, and I wrote a check out to the Fargo Foundation for the families. We can all DO something, every day, whether it's something small or medium or large, or super-large, like running for President (and Vice-President). I respect all four of those people - they're doing something because they love America, they want to help. They don't get paid THAT much, and it ages everybody immensely, so I just want to say something to everybody right now, and that is "Be THANKFUL that there are people who are willing to run for President, who are willing to put in the hard work to do what they believe in, who are wanting to help make a better America." I don't care if you're a Republican or a Democrat or an Independent or a Libertarian or a Green Party or a whatever (whatever that is) - let's focus on the POSITIVE, of what we can do, and stop ripping down what others are doing (or can't do). It's just a thought, as I'm feeling a little frustrated and outraged at the stupidity of the thought that Sarah Palin can't do it because she has a lot of children. Seriously - give me a break. Having raised four children, I think I could run for Queen of the Universe with everything I've learned and can do - juggle all the schedules, responsibilities, jobs, negotiating and fight interventions, compromises. Oh, and working, oh, and being a wife, oh, and being a daughter to elderly parents. GIVE ME A BREAK - mothers rock, mothers are the best, mothers are the glue that holds everything in this world together, mothers are da domb. I love mothers. Sure, and fathers - but this is about mothers right now, and Sarah is a mother, so no matter what you believe in, can you see my point? Thank you for considering and listening and being open to thoughts. What do you think?

a blessed relief

I felt it rolling in last night with the thunderclouds. I could feel it in my muscles and tendons and sinew as the thunder rolled in the distance. The air shifted, got cooler, the wind picked up (even more), then the storm hit. I was so relieved, and if you know me, you know I usually would be hiding under a bed (and I'm not even kidding) at the first lightning crack. But it is all different now, this feeling deep inside of me - a fullness of being, perhaps, a lifting of the gray hands of grief. I can see light again, and am able to move and get things done again. I don't cry as much (except today as I was eating a taco salad from Wendy's - Mom's favorite), and I miss Mom as much as ever, but that unbearable ache isn't clutching my chest so much. I think I can live without her. I know I can, and that knowingness is a blessed relief.

I'm just a little confused...

I admit it - I'm following politics. McCain appointed Sarah Palin as his VP choice. One of her strongest credentials from the conservative right is that she's totally pro-life. She says something like, "You can't get a stronger pro-life candidate than me." Why? Partly because while pregnant with her fifth child, it was discovered he had Down's Syndrome, and she chose to carry him full-term. He was born in April (I'm not sure if it was this past year or the year before - I was watching a YouTube of an interview with Glen Beck). That makes her pro-life? Well, I'm not going to get into my personal views on abortion, but suffice it to say that if I found out a child of mine had Down's Syndrome, I wouldn't get an abortion, but I don't see eye-to-eye with Sarah Palin. Can't you choose to have a special needs child AND be pro-choice? I'm just a little confused. Where did we get so black and white?

While at the lakes with everyone, talk turned to politics, and previous staunch conservatives were extolling the virtues of Obama (and Michelle, in particular). Liberal Democrats were citing McCain's strengths - I watched most of it with my mouth hanging wide open. Previous discussions along this line ended in turkey flying around the room and loud words exchanged. Now THAT kind of conversation excites me - the lines are blurred. Nobody has to take a stand and stick with it for the rest of their lives. We're free to change our minds as we figure different things out. Alliances change - it's not all one-sided, really, it isn't, so no one has to be afraid that they'll standing on one side all by themselves. There are a myriad of "sides," anyway - take your pick. Or make your own side. Or choose NOT to be on any side at all. That's mostly what I do - I'm just me. I know I confuse others - "Is she a Democrat or a Republican? She ACTS like a Democrat, but she also acts like a Republican!" Am I a Christian or a Buddhist or a New Age person (what ARE New Age people called? New Agers?) or a post-modernist? Who knows? I could never be held down to any particular organization or institution that stated their list of beliefs and asked me to sign on the dotted line. Life is just too amorphous, human beings are just to unique and changing, don't you think?

So I sit here and watch the hurricane as it hits New Orleans, and I think life is a huge circle - around and around and around all again, like a square dance (or should I say a round dance?) - a beautiful, crazy hodge podge of feelings and emotions and thoughts. And I, for one, am excited to study with Vidya Anderson when she comes to the Spirit Room - I am SO totally going to learn individualized meditation. The key word? Individualized - unique. Just like us.