be brave

I don't feel brave right now. I got backed into a fear corner this afternoon, and kind of came unglued. Okay, I won't lie to you, I came unglued earlier this morning when my back started freezing up, then the pain crawled around to my lower stomach area, and it wouldn't let up. I just felt tired, overwhelmed, it's just too much. I had so much fun with Dad in Bismarck, but Bill called, still upset with everything, and I felt torn between trying to be his emotional support, and just trying to hold everything together. Don't get me wrong - I'm strong, I don't crack easily, but when I do, man, run for the hills, because there's a lot of cracking to do. And this afternoon I got the news from my dentist: my tooth is infected, and they either have to do a re-root canal to try to save it, or pull it, with some special techniques to put a titanium implant in, six months later, after it heals. Either scenario involves some things that scare me, but I won't get in to that. The point is this: I was driving back to Fargo tonight, instead of tomorrow, having missed the dinner party, but having gotten to cook for it, when I just kind of came unglued. That was a horrible sentence, but you know what? I'm not going to change it. Anyway, what does "unglued" mean to me? It was sort of like this floaty feeling, when I tried my darndest to run to the safest place I could think of, and just stay there. There MUST be a safe place where this tooth thing is concerned. But it doesn't look like there is. So I can't outrun the monster anymore - it's been hanging over my head for a year and a half, knowing it was probably infected, but not taking action - I was too scared. Me, scared? Heck, YES! But that's the point - while I'm driving, feeling just totally scared, I heard Mom's sweet voice in my head, telling me, "Be brave." I thought about what that meant. I think it means that I can still feel scared, or angry, or overwhelmed, or tired, but I can be brave. I haven't felt so brave lately - there are just too many things that scare me. Like what? Novacaine, sedation, anesthesia, something happening to my loved ones (and that's a pretty big circle), over-the-counter drugs, prescription drugs, diabetes, heart problems, cancer. Wait a minute - I see the connections - these are all things that either I've experienced, or those close to me have experienced. It's sort of like I gather all the "bad" stuff, then worry about it. See? Be brave.

I wonder how to do that. Should that be my mantra for the next while? Should I take some time to take care of myself so my body doesn't keep crumbling, wanting loving attention for the brave work it did these past months? Should I take a tae kwon do class and learn how to scream and kick a board? Should I go climb some more walls? I don't know, but I know this is my next lesson - to not be so afraid anymore. It's so tiring, really, it is, and I'm tired of being scared. I want to be brave all the time.