worry

Bill. Billy Boy. My love. My sweetest sweet. Having a difficult time. I think we would've muddled through well enough with just Grammy dying, but then his friend from school had her house blow up in a gas leak, and it leveled the whole darn house, and hurt and/or burned some of the kids and adults. We talked about it, and the school advised us NOT to drive by it, as that could traumatize the kids, then they put up photos of the leveled house all around school. Last night Bill said, "What if I had a sore throat and there was a fire and I couldn't yell?" I went through the whole "crawl to the door and feel if it's hot" thing, then I realized his deeper question - could this explosion happen to us?

What's really going on? Grammy died, so any one of us could die, too. Ilhan's house exploded, so our house could explode. Suddenly the world doesn't seem so safe or secure anymore, and what do you say to that? I hold him in my arms, and we talk to Grammy - ask her questions, tell her we miss her, ask her what she's doing, ask her to show us a sign that she's still with us. I tell Bill that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that when we love, we are never apart from each other, and that this connection down here on Earth is only a little part of the whole thing, and to remember and concentrate on the part of Grammy that's now a part of him. I tell him that I think there's a path and a Plan for each of us, and we've made that Plan WITH God, so whatever happens to us, we're firmly WITH God in God's arms, and everything is safe. I reminded him of the 35W bridge collapse, and how we would've been RIGHT THERE when it collapsed, BUT I had mysteriously gotten so fatigued and sick that I had to lie down for 4 hours, and so got a late start and heard about the collapse about 1/2 hour out of Minneapolis. We weren't at the restaurant that was 200 yards away from the bridge, we didn't hear the collapse, we weren't in that immediate energy field - WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THERE, SO WE WEREN'T. Period, end of story. What is supposed to be, will be, and what isn't supposed to be, won't. I firmly believe that. Yes, bad stuff happens, but it will always be okay.

We went to talk with someone this morning, and they asked Bill how he felt about Grammy, and he said sad. She asked him who he went to when he needed to talk, and he said, "Mom." Then the woman leaned over, and asked me quietly if I was talking to anyone about Mom dying, or if I was taking the time to grieve, and I just slightly smiled at her and turned back to Bill. But it made me think - am I just trying so hard to take care of everyone and everything else, that I'm just not doing it 100%? Should I be doing something different, or slower, or deeper? I think I'm just great, albeit a little tired, and my back really hurts, but I feel good about keeping the house up, and taking care of Bill, and cooking, and and and. All the "ands" from before that I'm supposed to juggle. But just sometimes, like today, when I'm driving down to Bismarck, I cry... a lot, and I feel overwhelmed, and I worry. Yes, I worry, and Bill worries, I see it in his eyes. And I think he worries because he and I are so close and he feels me worrying, and I don't want HIM to do that - Kari does that, too. We come by it honestly, Mom was a worrier, too, but I don't like that - I don't. It's too much, and it doesn't help, and right now, just right now, it's too much.

What do I want to do? I've said it before - I want to go to a spa somewhere and just lie down for a week - get a massage, get a facial, have my dinners prepared for me, go for a walk, listen to some sweet music, enjoy the scenery. Will I ever do that? Probably not - why? I don't know - life, I guess, but then that's my choice, and my decisions. I just don't want to leave Bill (I've left Bill to come to Bismarck for a few days), I don't want to leave Steve, but really? I don't want to leave myself in my old life, because there's structure, and purpose, and tasks. I just keep going. But right now? Right now I'm thinking I need to STOP for a while. Just a day or so. Maybe even an hour or so. Lay out flat on the floor, close my eyes and listen to "The Deep" and go away - just for a while. To a place where there's no worry - only peace and quiet. That would be great.