brave little soldier

as I sit here, feeling my hands ice cold. One hour until I leave for the orthodontist, who will do an exam, then do a re-root canal to clear up an infection by my roots. Is this a big deal, really? Okay, NO, but I just don't appreciate dental things - too many past traumatic events, so this is (another) good chance to walk through my fears, to be brave, to just face it and DO IT. Really, it's no big deal - the tooth is dead. The only unknown is what's causing the infection. Am I scared of the infection? Not anymore. At first I thought it was ruining my immune system, but then when I got the "flu" (headache, achey, nausea), I figured out what my lowered immunity was probably because of my grieving work rather than the infection, although probably in the end everything's interconnected. So, why worry? I am practicing the trick I used for basketball, when faced with the impending BIG game. I'd get so nervous I'd literally pop 10 Tums and still not feel much better. So, at 6:30, warming up, I'd keep repeating, "In 3 hours this will all be over, and I'll be resting and relaxing. Just three hours." So I try that now - 2 1/2 hours from now and I'll be done - it will all be over, then I think I don't want to do that TOO much or I lose most of my life, putting my energies into the future, trying to jump over the present.

I am a brave little soldier, I am - I just keep going, even when I just want to rest, or curl up. I may FEEL like a little chicken, but I know the bravest thing sometimes is just to show up. Sometimes that's all we CAN do - just show up. So here I am - not pretending to be studly, with my shaking cold hands, but willing to do what needs to be done, for my health and my life. It's not always easy, nobody ever said it was easy, but it's good - it's all good. And today? It's a beautiful sunny warm day, and I think I'll put on my tennies and go out for a quick walk. Or not. I'll let you know how the whole tooth thing comes out (I hope it won't - come out, that is!)

UPDATE: I'm back, and it totally did NOT suck!!! It was fast, easy, no worries, a little inflammation, all taken care of. Interesting note: The endodontist, Dr. Taylor (highly recommended for your root canal needs) told me that the technique to do my old root canal hasn't been used for 35 years (the age of my root canal). It was a European technique that didn't clean out the tooth thoroughly, but instead poured a caustic substance into the tooth, then filled it with a paste that dried to like concrete. There was also a metal instrument found in my back root, but he said "no worries" (that still worries me a touch). Amazing - a caustic substance has been in that tooth for 35 years. Now you can tell me that it's enclosed in the tooth, but I will tell you that I believe that anything in our body affects the rest of our body, so it will be interesting to see how I feel in the days/week/months to come. Right now? I'm euphoric - I'm BRAVE, yes I am, and I'm very proud of myself.