my happy place

I went to Vidya's advanced meditation this morning, and really looked forward to lying down and taking some deep breaths. I'm usually so good about pacing, and trusting, and releasing, but I seem to be on the edge of this anxiety spiral that is grabbing me by the throat. I can't shut my mind down to get to sleep before 1AM, and my stomach is usually doubled up with cramping pain. Great on the weight loss department, not so great on me. My neurosis kicks in full bloom. What am I scared of? I'm scared that I didn't take care of my infected tooth for the last year that we knew I had it, and now it's magically gone into my brain, because my head feels funny and my neck hurts, and that's why my neck's been hurting for the last year, and you know the story - it multiplies until it's the worst scenario. Melissa reminded me that I don't worry about cancer or tumors or any of those things I was worried about two years ago when I went through my spiritual "growth" period that was SO intense and yes, scary. But now I've got this new, REAL thing - my infected tooth.

I stop and take a deep breath. Where does this come from, this fear about every little thing that comes in front of me? Didn't I used to be brave? Didn't I used to NOT worry so much? Who have I become? Breathe again, and remember - trust. My happy place? Oh - meditation with Vidya (yes, my mind wanders, but if you've stayed so far, you can come along on the interesting meandering journey with me). We were in the middle of a longer meditation with our mantra, and all of a sudden I felt a click in my whole body, like it was shifting somewhere, then I felt like I was floating IN my body. I was calm, detached, but still aware - I'm fairly certain I wasn't asleep. I stayed like that, and it felt REALLY good. Then I realized I'd had that feeling before - when I listen to Andrew Weil's "The Deep." When he gets to that middle part, I feel like my body is floating apart, but in a good way, just like today, and I call it my happy place. Occasionally I go there when I used to take a short afternoon nap. At any rate, it's a good place to go - my heart rate is way slower, my body is loose, my mind is calm. So I take note of this and slow down the rest of my day, my weekend, my next week. I realize I've gone too long and too fast on that ol' hamster wheel, and to get off it, I just need to step off. So I did.

I asked Steve how we could help EACH other. I said, "I don't listen to you, do I?" He laughed. He said, "It's like you telling me not to salt my food, but I do. I KNOW I shouldn't, and I know you're right, but I do it anyway." He's right. He's brilliant, my husband, and when I think about him, I am so grateful for his patience and wisdom and love. Along with Bill, those two definitely make up my happy place in this crazy world. Who's YOUR Steve and Bill?